A Single Green Light 1/1
Title: A Single Green Light
Author: writen0w
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,502
Summary: Things with Jared are going fine. So fine, in fact, that Jensen's struggling more and more to tell his boyfriend about his asexuality.
A/N: Written for this prompt during the last round of blindfold_spn.
A Single Green Light
Jensen's fiddling with his iPod, searching for the perfect song to keep him company on the way home when he hears something sounding suspiciously like his name being called out. He stops and looks around, tries to spot the source in the crowd of students fleeing the building and heading into their weekend.
“Jensen!” the same voice calls again, closer this time, clear enough for Jensen to pinpoint where exactly it's coming from.
He turns to the right, a familiar flutter rising in his chest as he watches Jared struggling his way toward him, knitted scarf wrapped haphazardly around his neck, a pile of books jammed under one arm, and two cups balanced precariously in his hands.
As soon as Jared reaches him, he grins widely and steps close. “Surprise,” he says and presses his lips against Jensen's. The kiss means hello and is short but makes Jensen's heart beat faster, like almost every touch of Jared does.
When Jared pulls back, it is to lean in again a second later, this time to nuzzle his cold nose against Jensen's cheek. Jared's breath fans across his face, warms Jensen's skin and heats the tips of his ears.
“Hi,” whispers Jared, looking as happy as Jensen feels.
“Hi,” Jensen replies stupidly, dopey grin on his face as he takes in his boyfriend. “What are you doing here?” he asks, dropping his iPod into the pocket of his coat and relieving Jared of half of the books.
“I finished my paper early. The thing basically wrote itself.” Jensen isn't surprised-Jared loves talking about literature and probably takes to writing about it just as well. “So I thought I'd come and pick you up.” He beams, dimples carving deep into his cheeks. “I even brought you coffee.”
Jensen accepts the offered cup and takes a sip, eyes not leaving his boyfriend. It's only been seven weeks since Jared had asked him out, but Jensen's falling hard and fast. He loves it; spending time with Jared comes incredibly easy, is so natural. They go out on dates or curl up at Jensen's place-he has his own room, unlike Jared who's still stuck in the dorms with a roommate.
Sometimes, Jensen can't believe his luck, and he wonders when exactly this relationship will go up in flames like the handful of others did before.
Jensen swallows another gulp of his coffee, then matches Jared's smile, accepts the offered hand and links their fingers when Jared starts leading the way to Jensen's apartment.
Holding hands is another thing he enjoys doing with Jared. It leaves him all tingly and feeling safe whenever Jared squeezes their joined hands and presses close to Jensen's side, sharing warmth and just being there beside him.
They follow the throng of students, and Jensen has to concentrate hard on watching where they're going. The more days pass, the more often he catches himself staring at Jared, observing him and cataloguing the way Jared moves. Jensen knows what he's doing; can admit to himself that he's taking in his fill while he still can, before they reach the inevitable point of being over.
“They're looking for someone to help out at the library,” Jared tells him as they leave campus.
“Yeah? You thinking about applying?”
“I don't know.” Jared shrugs. “I mean, it would be perfect, but …” he trails off, and Jensen gives him a playful bump with his shoulder, prompts him to continue. “It's silly and not at all an adult thing to do, but I … I kind of want to spend some more time with only you.”
Gripping his coffee cup that little bit tighter, Jensen stays silent.
“We've only been together for a few weeks, and I'm not ready yet to start real life again. You know? I want to have time to be with you.”
It's the perfect moment. Jensen should tell Jared now. He deserves it. He deserves to know that he's putting his life on hold for something Jensen can never give him. Jared's the nicest and gentlest guy Jensen has ever met, and it isn't fair to keep him hanging, to wordlessly promise him something that will never be.
It's the perfect moment, and much like all the hundreds before, Jensen lets it come and go, lets it slip right through his fingers.
It's easy to not grasp the opportunity, when in exactly that moment Jared catches him around the waist and leans down. He brushes a kiss to Jensen's temple, so sweetly and innocently, so unsuspectingly that Jensen can't help but shove his worries into the back of his mind. For now, he can have this.
Jensen pushes close and hugs Jared. “I love being with you, too,” he murmurs and holds on to his boyfriend until Jared breaks their embrace to dispose of their now empty coffee cups.
Jared immediately rejoins their hands, and they continue strolling down the sidewalk, Jensen listening to the unending stream of words spilling from Jared, filling him in on the happenings during the few hours they spent apart.
-*-
Jared flops back onto the couch with a grin on his face. Jensen is amazing. Jared doesn't know what he did to deserve a boyfriend like him, but you know, he's not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
His friends tell him it's the honeymoon period and warn him not to get used to it since it'll probably be over soon enough. Jared thinks it isn't like that at all.
Sure, they're in this phase where everything is exciting and new, and stars-in-the-eyes. But Jared did experience the famous honeymoon period once or twice before, which means he's able to judge and classify the thing he has with Jensen. And he's come to the conclusion that their relationship is at a place that's much more than your typical honeymoon phase.
Jared often wonders why that is the case, and he doesn't really have an answer, except that he and Jensen? They click. Jared isn't ready to admit it to anybody just yet, but in his head, there's already this voice telling him Jensen is the one. His mama once told him that Jared knew when he'd met the right person. And now? Now Jared knows.
They're going on two months, and Jared already feels like he can't ever let Jensen go.
Oddly enough, what has always defined closeness in a relationship for Jared, is something they haven't done yet. He's not sure why they held off on sex, but somehow, it never came up. Jared would be lying if he said he didn't think about it or didn't want it. Because he does; Jensen's hot. But people always tell Jared he has no sense of boundaries or being considerate of personal space, so he held himself back. Plus, he doesn't want to pressure Jensen into anything. Jensen hasn't let him in on any details, but Jared knows his last relationship ended badly, and maybe Jensen still needs some time. Which is fine by Jared. He gets his fair share of hugs and cuddles, and kisses, thank you very much.
But yeah, he's thinking about it, especially in moments when Jensen comes back from taking his contacts out, with black-rimmed glasses perched on his nose and his hair rumpled from cuddling, and with worn jeans slung low on his hips, revealing a stripe of skin practically begging for Jared to taste.
Jensen comes to a stop in the middle of the room, looking unsure, and suddenly, a thought jumps into Jared's mind. What if Jensen is waiting for Jared to take the first step, to show him he's ready for more?
Standing from the couch, Jared steps up behind Jensen, circles both arms around his waist and tugs him close to his chest. Jensen smells good, Jared determines as he noses along his boyfriend's neck and up the side, spicy and rich. He kisses the spot that never fails to make Jensen shudder-right below his ear-then drops his voice a level to sound dark and smoky; Jensen's going to like it.
“I want to take you out next Saturday. To a good restaurant so that we can celebrate our anniversary in style.”
“Jay, you don't have to-”
“But I want to. Let me spend some money on us. Let me spoil you. Just for one evening, okay?”
Jared has one hand sitting on Jensen's belly, rubs it in tiny, lazy circles across his boyfriend's middle.
“Okay,” Jensen breathes out.
“It's gonna be real nice,” murmurs Jared between kisses to the side of Jensen's face. He lets his imagination run wild, can practically see them in his mind's eye: sated by a good meal, pleasantly buzzed with alcohol and laughter, and love. “We can talk to Misha and convince him to leave us the apartment for the night.”
Jensen sucks in a breath; Jared feels it with his fingers while they continue their incessant journey along Jensen's stomach. He slips his thumbs under the waistband of Jensen's jeans, and Jensen is so surprised by it, he stiffens in Jared's arms. “It'll just be the two of us,” Jared goes on and draws Jensen flush to his chest. “Us and all the time in the world. I can't wait, Jen. I want to make you feel so good.”
The words flush Jared's cheeks, ignite a fire of lust. It's going to be amazing. “We already know each other so well. And I trust you. I … I want to be with you.”
When Jensen doesn't react at all, Jared tunes out the bout of embarrassment rising up in him. He never had to actually spell it out like that. But maybe Jensen wants to hear Jared say it?
“I want to sleep with you,” he whispers in a rush. And God, does he want it. The thought alone makes his dick swell in his pants.
Jensen tips his head forward, and Jared seizes the chance to trail more kisses up his boyfriend's neck. Hiding his heated face in Jensen's hair, he resists a thrust of his hips, lets his hands wander further, instead, seeking out Jensen's crotch.
Before Jared can register what's going on, Jensen is out of his arms and across the room. He's not looking at Jared, but his posture speaks volumes. Seeing him biting his lip, head lowered and eyes fixed on the ground, the arousal drains from Jared's body as if someone pulled a plug.
Jensen is the epitome of uncomfortable. Jared's stomach drops. “God, Jen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-you know, I'm sorry.”
Jensen gives a jerky nod, but it doesn't make Jared feel better about any of this. It doesn't make it okay.
“Forget what I said. Please, Jen. I don't want to force you into anything. It's not important, okay?”
Jared wants to turn back time; five minutes would be enough, anything to get them back to normal. He apologizes again, and Jensen's not even responding, not saying a word, and Jared's at a loss. “Do you want me to leave?” he offers, even though it's the last thing he wants to do.
Jensen shakes his head, finally looking up, and it's only then that Jared notices Jensen's sad expression. He isn't angry or mad, he looks defeated. “What-Jensen, what's wrong?”
“I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Jay, but this isn't going to work out.”
“Not-not working out? What are you talking about?”
“I should've told you sooner. And I wanted to. I really did, you have to believe me. I didn't want to lead you on.”
Jared stares at Jensen, trying to get a grip on what he's saying, but it doesn't make any sense. None at all. “You led me on? I don't … I don't get it. We are good together, Jen, we are happy. This is real.”
“I know. That's why I couldn't tell you. But now that you brought it up, I-it's only fair that you know.”
“That I know what?” Jared asks, mentally going through a list of reasons Jensen could have to call their relationship off. He comes up blank, then remembers what started all of this. “Wait. Is this about sex? Because it's not an issue for me. We can wait. I'll happily wait for you to be comfortable and ready. I'm not that kind of guy who pressures his boyfriend into something he doesn't want to do.”
Jensen sighs and scratches the back of his neck. “I'll never be ready.”
“You'll never be ready for sex?” Jared wracks his mind for a hint Jensen gave him, for something that could've told him. “Oh God. It wasn't your ex, right? Please don't tell me your ex has anything to do with this.”
“My ex? No. It isn't like that. It's just something I don't do,” Jensen says, pushes his glasses further up his nose. “I'm asexual. I have no interest in sex.”
“Asexual?”
“Yeah. I don't experience sexual attraction. But I'm still seeking a relationship. I identify as a romantic asexual, which means I want a relationship, I want intimacy, just without sex.”
“You don't have sex, like ever?”
“No.” Jensen shakes his head, and while Jared's mind is reeling with the new information and trying to understand what Jensen said, Jensen seems … relieved. And that just makes Jared think about what it must've been like for Jensen these past weeks, carrying around the secret and being too afraid to open up about it.
“What does this mean for us? For our relationship?”
Jensen lets out a cynical laugh and shrugs. “Well, usually it means you run for the hills and leave me.”
“But I don't want to leave you. I want to be with you.”
“I think you should think things through. It's-I can't ever give you this part of a relationship. I won't ever feel the desire to have sex. It may not sound like much in the beginning, and I get that you have needs, it's just … I'm not the person who can fulfill them. I'm sorry I lied to you.”
“You didn't lie to me. You never promised me anything.” Jared still isn't sure of the consequences, but he can't believe Jensen is ready to give up on them. Just like that. Doesn't he see what they have? “Jen, please, let us try,” he pleads. “I don't want to lose you.”
Jensen's eyes widen in what Jared reads as surprise, as hope, and he knows Jensen wants this, too. He takes the necessary steps to bridge the distance between them, is all ready to wrap Jensen up in a hug when he freezes. “Is this okay?” he stops, motioning between the two of them. “We've been cuddling and kissing, and stuff. Are you okay with this?”
“Yeah.” Jensen smiles at him, small and private. “I like cuddling and kissing, and stuff. I don't see it as something sexual.”
“So I can …?”
“Please.”
Having Jensen in his arms brings relief; they can make this work. Jared's head is swimming with questions, they need to talk, discuss this, but at the moment, what counts is that they're still them. “Promise to tell me when you're feeling uncomfortable with what we're doing.”
Jensen's hair brushes Jared's neck as he nods. “I will.”
-*-
Jared does take him out on Saturday. They have reservations at a restaurant Jared dug up, and the promise of Tex-Mex has Jensen's stomach growling even before they arrive. Sitting in a booth at the back, they laugh and eat food that tastes like home away from home. Their legs brush under the table, their eyes meet, their fingers lace. Dimmed candlelight sets the scene, and it's perfect, even more so because Jensen can let himself go. It's all out in the open. Nothing to hide, nothing to worry about. For now.
Jared is spending the night. Jensen's already lying in bed when Jared comes in from the bathroom, freshly showered, and he scoots over, lifts the blanket for his boyfriend to crawl in beside him.
“Mmm, you smell good,” Jensen whispers and moves close because Jared does.
Jared chuckles, pulling Jensen in. “I used your shampoo.”
“I like it.”
He stretches to leave a kiss on Jared's forehead, leans up further and nuzzles along his boyfriend's hairline, inhaling deeply and letting the scent of lemongrass and Jared fill his senses. Lifting one hand, Jensen curls it around the back of Jared's neck, runs his fingers through the damp hair.
Jared arches and leans into the touch. He shifts his legs, entwining them with Jensen's, rubs one heel up and down Jensen's calf, leaving tingles in the wake, causing Jensen to shiver and sigh.
Jared trails his hand from Jensen's arm down to his waist, rests it there, and hesitates. Jensen can read the unspoken question in Jared's eyes, so he nods, signals his okay, and Jared continues, strokes along Jensen's side.
Leaning into the touch, Jensen smiles, relishes the moan Jared releases when Jensen scratches his fingertips gently across his scalp before going back to comb his fingers through Jared's hair. Jensen loves the feel of it, the different textures of the strands, how they curl at the ends, above Jared's ears, the softness and soapy smell, loves to learn these details about his boyfriend.
He doesn't stop playing with Jared's hair until it's almost dry, then shifts focus, wanders lower to the spot where Jared's neck joins his shoulder, kneads the flesh.
“Relax,” Jensen breathes against Jared's mouth, follows it up by a press of his lips. “Let go.”
He urges Jared onto his front, settles himself on the back of the offered thighs and places both hands on Jared's shoulders. Pressing down, Jensen pushes his fingers forward to gradually warm the area up. Jared's back is broad and defined, Jensen notices as he repeats his motions, probably from being on the swim team all through high school.
“This good?” he asks, voice hushed, not daring to disturb the peace and quiet of the room.
Jared moans in approval and buries his face deeper into the pillow. “There's this spot right below my left shoulder,” he starts, and Jensen's already looking for it, skims his hands along the mentioned zone, tries to work the tension out of the sore muscle once he discovers it.
“Next time, I'm gonna break out some of my oils. Warm them up and use them on you.”
“Mhm.” Jared sounds sleepy, is relaxing, little by little, flesh yielding and loosening with every touch.
Jensen carefully rocks his knuckles along Jared's spinal muscles, rhythm slow and leisurely, Jared's calm contagious, enveloping him, leaving him warm, free, sated. Helping Jared to relax, making him feel good, is powerful, causes the proverbial butterflies to flutter in his stomach. Seconds and minutes flow together, pass unnoticed as he works.
Bending forward, Jensen mouths along the nape of Jared's neck, places soft kisses on his way. Jared's scent is most prominent here, between the folds of skin, smell pure and earthy, a mix of soap and sweat. Jensen wants to bathe in it, rub it all over himself and never lose track of it.
“You asleep yet?” he breathes, brushing Jared's hair away from his ear and lifting a finger to trace the bared shell.
“Almost.” Jared sighs and turns his head, catches Jensen's eye. “Was really good. Thank you.”
“I'm glad you liked it.”
Jensen slides off of Jared's back, rolls onto his side and snuggles close to his boyfriend. The urge to be near him is strong, their connection deep; it makes his heart swell when Jared puts an arm around him and pulls him in, easy and loving.
Jared cups his face, starts stroking his thumb along his cheekbone, and Jensen closes his eyes and nuzzles into Jared's palm. The thought of how big this is, how grateful he is for Jared, how much this means, comes suddenly and is almost overwhelming. He swallows thickly and doesn't dare open his eyes, not when Jared is brushing the gentlest of all kisses to his forehead.
Later, Jared's spooned behind Jensen, his fingers busy caressing Jensen's belly. As goosebumps rise on Jensen's body, he wonders if his skin feels as soft to Jared as Jared's does to him. He has to touch again, so he raises one hand and lets it hover above Jared's arm, right where short hairs are tickling his palm.
“Thank you,” Jensen tells Jared, because it seems appropriate. He settles his hand on Jared's forearm. “Thank you for still being here.”
end