what i wanted them to. you know, in other cultures, kisses imply attraction.
That is a really great line. Unfortunately, this poem is a cliche. Sounds more like lyrics to a pop band.
Repeating yourself makes the poem sound childish and boring.Grargh. I cant think. Instead of lamenting this dude that didnt give you a chance in a poem, try to take a different approach. Think of some new way to say 'fuck you laterz' because that's pretty much what you did.
"you dream of a girl with long hair and a high-pitched laugh - of a girl who got into college because she can play soccer - of a girl who drinks herself unconscious."
This, right here, is the shining jewel of the poem. Honestly, most of this was just run-of-the-mill "Damn him!" poetry, except for this part. These little humble collection of lines just distills all that rage, despair, and jealousy into this beautifully crystalized moment. Get rid of everything but definitely keep this.
You've got a couple great lines here-- I'm in agreement with tophet_perish and voz_de_fuego about the ones that they pointed out-- but I think a lot of it can be cut. It needs to be condensed, I think, so that your emotion comes through stronger than it does here.
Right now, we're buried in all of the habits of the person the speaker addresses. Too many details, not all of which are important enough to get a sense of who this person is or how the speaker feels about the situation, know what I mean? Get to the heart of the thing and get to it earlier. Really make it hit home.
I completely agree with voz_de_fuego, this need to be bare bones. Refine this concept and cut down the essence of the rage, much of this is just filler.
Comments 5
kisses imply attraction.
That is a really great line. Unfortunately, this poem is a cliche. Sounds more like lyrics to a pop band.
Repeating yourself makes the poem sound childish and boring.Grargh. I cant think. Instead of lamenting this dude that didnt give you a chance in a poem, try to take a different approach. Think of some new way to say 'fuck you laterz' because that's pretty much what you did.
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and a high-pitched laugh -
of a girl who got into college
because she can play soccer -
of a girl who drinks herself unconscious."
This, right here, is the shining jewel of the poem. Honestly, most of this was just run-of-the-mill "Damn him!" poetry, except for this part. These little humble collection of lines just distills all that rage, despair, and jealousy into this beautifully crystalized moment. Get rid of everything but definitely keep this.
Reply
Right now, we're buried in all of the habits of the person the speaker addresses. Too many details, not all of which are important enough to get a sense of who this person is or how the speaker feels about the situation, know what I mean? Get to the heart of the thing and get to it earlier. Really make it hit home.
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