Maybe

[daisy_adair]

Hello. I did Prose Prompt #29. It's late, I know (sorry), but I did time myself, and it took about an hour. Just to clarify, I'm not trying to be all sexist. This was meant to show how much teen angst a girl could feel within like 3 minutes. I wasn't really sure how to go about making it clear that her thoughts were thoughts. Was using quotation

Comments

[nyarhotep]

methinks you should limb the fourth paragraph down to: "A single word, 'Hello'". it's obvious her turn-around, you don't need to belabour it. i also think you should look to breaking up the blocky paragraphs - they don't lend themselves to Veronica's sporadic thoughts. witness:          She contemplated changing the channel. "Who cares what's on next? It's probably just another unfunny sitcom based on hot people turning real-life problems... into jokes

[daisy_adair]

Ummm she doesn't say anything out load though. Everything's she's thinking is just one big rant. Like random thoughts just popping through her head as she's waiting for the next show to start. I dunno... maybe using italics would be a good idea.

[dragonlaire]

Perhaps...It makes for smoother reading and looks better uncluttered. On the other hand, your paragraphs introduce organization and structure into stream-of-consciousness which may be contrary to her purposes.

Using different 'characters' to represent contrasting perspectives is a good technique, but I don't think the line of demarcation is clearly defined in this example.

i'll be really pompous and assume you're talking to my comment

[nyarhotep]

the rules are a touch different in a piece this short. if she were writing a short-story or a novella, i agree: she'd have to define a more stringent, user-friendly convention. in this case, however, methinks something more rudimentary and primal is called for. stream of consciousness doesn't need to be blocky or front-end; Woolf's style is hardly blocky and it's hailed as the grandmother of SoC

though, i agree the delineation between agressive and demure thought patterns isn't striking. however, that can't really be altered by pagination, it's an authorial issue. i didn't want to rewrite her flash-fic in my style - just insinuate what might be possible with a different outlook

Re: i'll be really pompous and assume you're talking to my comment

[dragonlaire]

Yes, I was referring to your suggestions. Not at all pompous, and I welcome the response.

Re: i'll be really pompous and assume you're talking to my comment

[daisy_adair]

i don't really get what you guys are saying... :-(

and can someone please explain exactly what "stream of conciousness" is to me?

[journeys__end]

While I definitely understand the teenage girl and her boy troubles, I had a very hard time getting into this. The character, while realistic sometimes, spoke to herself very oddly sometimes. I like the whole common language thing you have going on, but I just got really annoyed. Maybe that was the point. Teenage girls are annoying.

I think the end came too suddenly. While, yes, teenage girls' emotions do float all over the place and change in a whim, I just didn't believe it when it happened to her.

I think maybe your character may need more fleshing out, and maybe that will change the feelings I'm having right now about it.

[timestreason]

It was a good piece...a bit flighty, but very good. The only part that really stands out to me is the pants vibrating. Maybe put 'something in my pants pocket vibrated.'

[daisy_adair]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I'm gonna work on it some more... I guess I'll add onto this post.