(Untitled)

[themistressmoon]

Okay, so I've posted in this community once before. In retrospect, it was probably a poor example to post for critique, because it was meant to be as more of a personal piece. But since then I've done some critiquing of others' works, and would like to post a couple other things I've written

Comments

[andyleggett]

The second one is REALLY good. I love the little back and forth tension of seemingly contradictory images (blindfold? but how can he see the map?). And the ideas of "I love the thrill of getting lost"; "Cover my eyes and lead me into the unknown./Then take the blindfold off." Je l'aime.

Parts of the first one are cliched, yes, but there are parts that I really like. Get rid of the third stanza and everything after "and I feel the remorse". It works better as implicit. And have the poem ending just "yes, I know". Are those suggestions too forward? If I block those out in my mind, I really like the first one...

[themistressmoon]

yeep! I'm sooo glad you liked it a lot. I don't write very often, haha. So when I do it's nice to hear it's liked. =)

See, I think I like the rest of it there, just...not the way it is. I also don't like the way it started off as one thing, trying to make beauty from chaos, trying to do something productive with the mess in my head to get rid of it; and ended up totally different, with the "devil" voice in my head telling me nothing's wrong with me to begin with. The progression would have made sense, I suppose, had it been done differently...

But thank you for the suggestions. I at least now know where its weakest points were. Which were pretty much where I was guessing they were.