(no subject)
Okay, so I've posted in this community once before. In retrospect, it was probably a poor example to post for critique, because it was meant to be as more of a personal piece. But since then I've done some critiquing of others' works, and would like to post a couple other things I've written.
Both of these have been posted to other communities, but I figure I'll post them here for further and more specific feedback.
=X=X=X=X=X=
A simple urge
To creat order from chaos.
(Or chaos from order?
Or in all likelihood,
Clash the states of confusion
To create a bigger mess.)
To make something pretty
From disorder in my mind
And hope the voices in my head say something poetic.
(Could the devil on my shoulder be a muse?
Certainly not, for all his malicious intent.
But the angel on the other side is missing.
Is it too late to repent?)
Make music from malice
Form flight of fantasy from fear
Or perhaps the words on the page
Really do mean nothing at all?
Are you calling my bluff?
"But of course.It's your own fault you know."
Yes, I know, and I feel the remorse.
Depressed?
Repressed?
Or simply possessed?
Perhaps not so simple; let's put this thought to the test.
Will I grow?
Will I fade?
Can I keep what I've made?
Will I fall?
"It's your call.
Nothing's wrong after all, dear, you're simply afraid."
=X=X=X=X=X=X=
Take me to a place I've never been.
Heres what you'll need:
A blindfold,
A compass,
And a map,
The latter two for you alone;
A mode of transportation;
A far-off destination that I'll barely recognise.
Cover my eyes and lead me into the unknown.
Then take the blindfold off;
Point me any way and let me walk.
I love the thrill of getting lost.
But more than that I love to know
I'll never find the starting point again.
Instead I'll find another place I've never been.
=X=X=X=X=X=
I think I like the second one more. The first one, to me, seems a bit cliche and it doesn't flow as well, not to mention there are some repeated words that I think kind of throw it off. It was my first stab at poetry in quite a while, after getting really into LiveJournal and beginning to really take note of what I liked in others' poems, and was basically just kind of messing around with what I could do with that. The second one, I think flows a bit better and makes more sense and has more of a solid concept to it. I don't know whether any of the technical stuff is any better necessarily, but I'm still learning. =)
Both of these have been posted to other communities, but I figure I'll post them here for further and more specific feedback.
=X=X=X=X=X=
A simple urge
To creat order from chaos.
(Or chaos from order?
Or in all likelihood,
Clash the states of confusion
To create a bigger mess.)
To make something pretty
From disorder in my mind
And hope the voices in my head say something poetic.
(Could the devil on my shoulder be a muse?
Certainly not, for all his malicious intent.
But the angel on the other side is missing.
Is it too late to repent?)
Make music from malice
Form flight of fantasy from fear
Or perhaps the words on the page
Really do mean nothing at all?
Are you calling my bluff?
"But of course.It's your own fault you know."
Yes, I know, and I feel the remorse.
Depressed?
Repressed?
Or simply possessed?
Perhaps not so simple; let's put this thought to the test.
Will I grow?
Will I fade?
Can I keep what I've made?
Will I fall?
"It's your call.
Nothing's wrong after all, dear, you're simply afraid."
=X=X=X=X=X=X=
Take me to a place I've never been.
Heres what you'll need:
A blindfold,
A compass,
And a map,
The latter two for you alone;
A mode of transportation;
A far-off destination that I'll barely recognise.
Cover my eyes and lead me into the unknown.
Then take the blindfold off;
Point me any way and let me walk.
I love the thrill of getting lost.
But more than that I love to know
I'll never find the starting point again.
Instead I'll find another place I've never been.
=X=X=X=X=X=
I think I like the second one more. The first one, to me, seems a bit cliche and it doesn't flow as well, not to mention there are some repeated words that I think kind of throw it off. It was my first stab at poetry in quite a while, after getting really into LiveJournal and beginning to really take note of what I liked in others' poems, and was basically just kind of messing around with what I could do with that. The second one, I think flows a bit better and makes more sense and has more of a solid concept to it. I don't know whether any of the technical stuff is any better necessarily, but I'm still learning. =)