A little help, please.

[untilyoubelieve]

A Bridge Named Magnificence

Comments

[cloudwrapdcity]

i think the most helpful advice i got when i first started writing was read more.

greatpoets.livejournal.com

it's the only thing that works.

[untilyoubelieve]

I figure as much, and I do read a good amount. That comm looks great though so thanks for sharing. :)

[thatsmsbanks]

I sure could use any resource so far for helping me with my stuff. Thanks for that group ref.

[somerled]

A Bridge Named Magnificence no it isn't

Just give me a moment
To catch my breath boring
Adjust my eyes
Stretch my legs
The sun shines too bright to see no it doesn't
I look to you
Confusion the confusion is all the reader's
Why do you stand back?
This place is magnificence overwrought
A thousand tales told
With only silence tales told with silence-unoriginal
I reach for you
Beckoning pick one: reach or beckon
The time has come to give ourselves away who said anything about "we", kid
Muscles tighten skip the vague if you move on to specifics, also this sounds involuntary
My legs
My jaw
My stomach
They know what comes what, like the speaker doesn't?
You rush to grab my hand
Nearly a second too late every moment is nearly a second later, seriously
The water draws up to meet us the water doesn't do anything, why anthropomorphize it?
The darkness fills all around the darkness! cliché
I can feel nothing but your hand untrue
And my heart
Stops the one word line is a blunt instrument, and anyway I don't believe the heart stopping is the

[desolateangel83]

You don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line; just the beginning of each senetence. Also stay away from generalized statesments such as, "This place is magnificant." How magnificant is it? We want to know.

I really did not know this was about suicide. It read more like a love poem at first. That doesn't make me a sicko, does it?

But seriously, even though I'm not a fan of this poem, don't throw the towel yet. Read more poets, study their techniques, and maybe try writing a different genre for a little bit.

[utalkin2me]

I'm sorry I really didn't get the thought of suicide from this poem. The title of the poem for starters made me think of the bridge as something the narrator liked. But I actually didn't even think the poem was about a bridge at all. I thought the narrator was describing a scene with "someone" not something.

The water draws up to meet us

First and foremost this line is confusing. Us? Obviously if this poem is about jumping from a bridge, whoever was the one that did the jumping had a partner.

The darkness fills all around--
I can feel nothing but your hand-- (Again Whose hand?)
And my heart
Stops

I agree with Somerland about it being vague with the heart stopping at the end of the poem.

I didn't consitute it with death but instead when someone feels their heart stop when they are in love--So I really thought this poem was about a first love not death.

[mspixieears]

I didn't get that it was about suicide...

This poem is a tad too 'listy' - is there any way you could make it less so? It might be more successful then.