Comments | write_away: A Return to the Desperate Plea for Feedback

mm511 in write_away

A Return to the Desperate Plea for Feedback

Mar 09, 2007 16:30

Please don't hate me for clogging up your friends page and this journal and I promise I won't post for at least another like week or something, but I'm taking the wonderful suggestions of dragonlaire and akirad and posting the first scene from my short story, Disdaining Men and Oxygen, to hook you into wanting to read the whole thing, which I begged you to do in ( Read more... )

user: mm511, type: prose

Comments 14

jeff2001 March 9 2007, 22:24:53 UTC

Interesting. You have talent, that's undeniable. You've taken pains to make sure we all know it. ;-)

I found the first part sort of boring. I mean, 5 big fat paragraphs, the import of which is: "I summoned a demon." But then again, I've read several stories where someone summons a demon, so I'm jaded there. It wasn't until we got to "the dishes" request that I began to smile and chuckle.

My only advice would be: tighten it up. Your audience will love you for it.

mm511 March 9 2007, 22:58:17 UTC

Yeah, I suppose I know what you mean. This is actually why I don't like posting the first few pages of something longer, because those first few pages are inevitably worse than the rest of the something. I think I had to go into the long descriptions of the summoning ritual, if only to get me into the story and into the mind of the character. I did try to make the descriptions humorous, at least insofar as I want it to appear she's summoning a demon for something Big and Bad, but really it's just to do dishes.

And thanks for the talent comment? I hope I'm not too overbearing or too in-your-face. I don't mean to be, really. I just want some feedback, and for something long like this, I feel like I have to be a bit more... present... than I would for something that's only a paragraph or two. :)

jeff2001 March 9 2007, 23:57:05 UTC

No, I mean the literary flourishes that abound in those thick paragraphs. They're the kind of thing that writers put in to show everyone that they are Writers.

If you had to go into the long descriptions, that's one thing -- but what you need to do as a writer and what I need as a reader are two different things. So be kind to your reader and snip out that which is you investigating your thesis, and leave in only which that moves your story along.

If your first few pages are worse than the rest, then eliminate them. Don't assume readers have the patience to slog through something that is less than your best, because they don't! :)

mm511 March 10 2007, 04:19:18 UTC

I'm curious to know what literary flourishes you're talking about. Can you give me an example or two? I've never put anything in simply to show off, and I'd hate to appear pretentious or snobbish or like a Writer. I always just assumed the fact that you're writing would be enough to show everyone that you're a writer.

Obviously, the things that aren't necessary will be snipped out during editing. But I post to this community not to please you as a reader but to help me as a writer and to learn what things need snipped, you know? It's particularly hard sometimes, at least for me, to realize what is extraneous stuff that I needed to get the story written.

Thread 5

dragonlaire March 10 2007, 01:31:11 UTC

Okay...I'll bite. Send the complete ms to my LJ ebox. I'll try to get to it next week.

nebanebet March 10 2007, 09:09:14 UTC

...and I def. need to make sure to read the community again before I go saying things like email addresses not working.

suki_fleet March 10 2007, 10:21:36 UTC

I like this, it's easy to read and it flows well. I do agree with jeff2001 though that the first few paragraphs could be condensed, some details seem unnecessary. I'd like to read the rest but I can't promise I'd be able to do it any time soon. If you want to, e-mail it to me randomlikejazz at aol dot com.

first_spike March 10 2007, 13:21:43 UTC

I'm getting a picture of a Paris Hilton who can summon spirits from the vasty deep, and does so because she doesn't want to risk breaking a nail, or a sweat. There's potential in this situation.

I think there is a lot of repetition. Some of it - mystic - is meant for comic effect. How many times do we see these: pentagram or five-sided figure; demotic Demonic; summoning; black hole or vortex or portal? Given that it's in first person, perhaps this is part of the main character's voice.

There are other repetitions (and these might be among the "literary flourishes"): that's why I chose to summon... that's why I sat there, near five...; it began to rotate, to spin on its axis... scowled angrily

I also think many words are used on things not germane to the story. For me, the summoning process has one purpose: it shows us that the main character regards summoning a demon not just as ordinary, but as the easy option. The foot-tapping, whistling, and nail biting convey that well. The detailed description, however, makes it ( ... )

mm511 March 10 2007, 21:19:31 UTC

Hmm, I'm particularly disturbed by what you've said about Brigitte. I don't want her to appear to be Paris Hilton, at all. A lot of other people who have read the story in its entirety have claimed that Brigitte is very unsympathetic, that they didn't like her at all, and I don't want that, either. You missed the rest of the story, in which you learn that she is a famous summoner and has made quite a lot of money for herself and has been basically business-business-business all her life ( ... )

first_spike March 10 2007, 23:15:07 UTC

Ouch. Sorry about that...

OK, here are the things that made me think of a Paris-Hilton character. The concern for the "beautiful hardwood floors". The no clothes on the demon and the attention to the musculature. Birdsong, and having to plug ears. The mention of school. Above all, the dishes, and the character's utter uselessness in the absence of her maid. All these things (to me, at least) suggest someone concerned with form over substance and who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

What might characterise (or caricature) business-business-business? Absolute focus on the desired result. Irritation with any deviation from the plan or "unnecessary" delays. Concern for detail, possibly bordering on the obsessive. Direct speaking. And when it comes to the dishes, I don't think she would be in the least incapable of washing them; rather, it would be "I expect not to do them myself". What would she do while waiting for the demon to appear? Consult her To-Do list in her Getting Things Done file and dispense with a pending item or ( ... )

mm511 March 10 2007, 23:35:56 UTC

I keep forgetting you haven't read the whole thing, and so I keep wanting to bring up stuff that happens later, and I can't and it's killing me! Argh!

Later on, you see that she broke up with the man she loved because he didn't seem motivated enough, ambitious enough. And just now, by telling you that, I realize I totally screwed up that part of the story, because why she rejects him is not that reason at all, which does make her seem shallow and unlikeable! Breakthrough! Epiphany! THANKS!

But anyway, yes... I agree with what you said, although I don't want her to appear THAT business-like. Basically, she's already beyond well-off, so she doesn't need to be psycho-business all the time. I want her to appear lazy almost. And attention to musculature doesn't make you Paris Hilton! Or then, if it does, I'm Paris Hilton, too (cf. lj icon).

Without a doubt, you've given me lots to think about, and only on the first scene. I really appreciate it. I just hope I can motivate myself to shape it up rather than ship it out. *gulp*

Thread 5