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A Return to the Desperate Plea for Feedback
Please don't hate me for clogging up your friends page and this journal and I promise I won't post for at least another like week or something, but I'm taking the wonderful suggestions of dragonlaire and akirad and posting the first scene from my short story, Disdaining Men and Oxygen, to hook you into wanting to read the whole thing, which I begged you to do in
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I'm worried, too, about the humor: I've not read Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams and I don't know what The War At Home is, so your examples fell on deaf ears, so to speak, although your descriptions didn't.
I don't know if this has any effect on the way you see Brigitte's narration, but at the end of the story, the reader finds out that this story about Bob is actually a story in a story (she's testifying in court to get Bob a permanent US citizen pass). I don't know if that will stick around, though; it's had extremely mixed reviews, and I'm just as torn as the readers have been.
In any case, thanks for your comments. I appreciate your taking the time to write them.
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OK, here are the things that made me think of a Paris-Hilton character. The concern for the "beautiful hardwood floors". The no clothes on the demon and the attention to the musculature. Birdsong, and having to plug ears. The mention of school. Above all, the dishes, and the character's utter uselessness in the absence of her maid. All these things (to me, at least) suggest someone concerned with form over substance and who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What might characterise (or caricature) business-business-business? Absolute focus on the desired result. Irritation with any deviation from the plan or "unnecessary" delays. Concern for detail, possibly bordering on the obsessive. Direct speaking. And when it comes to the dishes, I don't think she would be in the least incapable of washing them; rather, it would be "I expect not to do them myself". What would she do while waiting for the demon to appear? Consult her To-Do list in her Getting Things Done file and dispense with a pending item or two.
For example, how might she react to the first demotic Demonic outburst? Well, to my mind, she would know the demon can speak and understand English, French, and whatever else; after all, she's a pro. So, rather than being "a bit disappointed", would she react with annoyance, perhaps, and brusque air, perhaps with a threat (veiled or direct) if the demon repeated the demotic. Or she might be polite but resolute, a kid glove on a steel fist, so to speak. Up to you. But the focus on the desired result is, I think, the key.
The sympathy angle is hard; in essence you want to produce a "there but for the grace..." reaction in the reader. Can you show some kind of conflict within her: some deep-seated longing or goal that doesn't mesh with the get-things-done mentality that she relies on for her success, and so ends up taking second place at best. (One classic, possibly hackneyed example is the "Cats in the Cradle" parent who works so hard to give their children a good life that he never has time to spend with them and they grow apart.)
Does that make any sense?
If you're at all interested in wry humour or how fantastic characters might react in ordinary situations, try reading a bit of Pratchett(Wyrd Sisters or Small Gods would be good examples; it works on a number of levels, but it's not heavy reading) or Adams). Your life is better for not having seen The War at Home; try not to take that away from yourself.
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Later on, you see that she broke up with the man she loved because he didn't seem motivated enough, ambitious enough. And just now, by telling you that, I realize I totally screwed up that part of the story, because why she rejects him is not that reason at all, which does make her seem shallow and unlikeable! Breakthrough! Epiphany! THANKS!
But anyway, yes... I agree with what you said, although I don't want her to appear THAT business-like. Basically, she's already beyond well-off, so she doesn't need to be psycho-business all the time. I want her to appear lazy almost. And attention to musculature doesn't make you Paris Hilton! Or then, if it does, I'm Paris Hilton, too (cf. lj icon).
Without a doubt, you've given me lots to think about, and only on the first scene. I really appreciate it. I just hope I can motivate myself to shape it up rather than ship it out. *gulp*
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The lists were really just to contrast what I saw and what would have steered me towards seeing her as business-like. Of course, there's another list of things that would have suggested laziness or complacency. A character will be a mixture of all sorts of things; some will be constant, some dominate only in times of stress, and there may be conflict and contradictions as well.
Sure, the attention to musculature doesn't identify a Paris Hilton. On the other hand, you would be surprised if such a character's head weren't turned by a fit body. Sufficient versus necessary, if you will. The question is, are there necessary signs, attitudes, mannerisms and behaviours that your character isn't currently exhibiting?
I'm glad this has got you thinking - and maybe even helped. If you want to send me the rest of it or just kick ideas around, feel free (first_spike at livejournal.com). I just can't promise a quick response for big things. ;-)
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