none taken bro,nothing offensive about that.No english is actually a third language,i've been practicing for 6 years now,thats why i am trying to write more in english now,in any form of writing.I guess its not about how many books you read or Tv you watch,its about putting yourself out there and giving it a swing you know.
Cool, I got that impression but thought I'd ask before reviewing. (And hey, bravo on three languages.)
Anyhow, as you'll see with more exposure and experience with the language, the poem is quite heavy with cliches. I believe that's really what dark_math_girl was saying about using more unique words. Again I don't mean this offensively, but most of these lines we've seen a million times on Hallmark cards or heard in bad pop songs. It makes the poem read as though you've written it to a stranger, or for as wide and generic an audience as possible.
For a more effective "I Remember"-type poem, describe details that are unique to your lover, the kind that would make her feel noticed and known. Like how she washes the dishes, or that funny thing she does with the pen when she's writing a letter, or that split-second expression on her face before she regains composure. Make the reader *see* this person.
I think punctuation would help a lot. I think considering the structure of the poem, standard punctuation would be the most natural.
As for the title, the lack of capitalization in "remember" seems to be a mistake. You could either capitalize the "R" and leave it as it is.
You could turn the title itself into a sentence and add a period or an elipsis.(...) It is customary in titles to capitalize the first letter of every word, but in poetry you are allowed to break the rules if it produces the desired effect. You can experiment with varous ways of writing the title and see which strikes you as more powerful.
If you do go back and add punctualization, take a look at lines five and six.
thank you.That is usually my goal whenever I hold a pen,simplicity.Since I start being serious about learning english and expand my writings in different languages,I've noticed how hard is it sometimes of some of us to understand certain types of poems and so on.At the point I thought maybe I don't need to wrap my work with fancy words and complicated vocabulary(although i admit, it adds music to the background.So sometimes I try to keep as simple as I can,even if when try to translate into english.Lets just say I am trying out a theory here,might work,might not.
Comments 19
Reply
Reply
Anyhow, as you'll see with more exposure and experience with the language, the poem is quite heavy with cliches. I believe that's really what dark_math_girl was saying about using more unique words. Again I don't mean this offensively, but most of these lines we've seen a million times on Hallmark cards or heard in bad pop songs. It makes the poem read as though you've written it to a stranger, or for as wide and generic an audience as possible.
For a more effective "I Remember"-type poem, describe details that are unique to your lover, the kind that would make her feel noticed and known. Like how she washes the dishes, or that funny thing she does with the pen when she's writing a letter, or that split-second expression on her face before she regains composure. Make the reader *see* this person.
Reply
Reply
As for the title, the lack of capitalization in "remember" seems to be a mistake. You could either capitalize the "R" and leave it as it is.
You could turn the title itself into a sentence and add a period or an elipsis.(...) It is customary in titles to capitalize the first letter of every word, but in poetry you are allowed to break the rules if it produces the desired effect. You can experiment with varous ways of writing the title and see which strikes you as more powerful.
If you do go back and add punctualization, take a look at lines five and six.
Reply
Reply
It seems a bit cliché, but it works well at the same time.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment