Making friends again!

[wrenb]

Well isn't this an interesting place to find myself in. It's a very mild version of a mid-life crisis. I feel like I'm just waking up from the last 15 years to realize that I've become... Well actually I'm not sure what I've become. That's sort of the point

Comments

[beth_leonard]

Awww. This sounds so sad. And yet I know you are a lovely, happy, person, so I'm hoping you're not sad. Making deep connections with people is really hard and takes effort. It is interesting to liken it to dating. My mom loaned me a book called "friendship for grownups" a few years back that I had given to her after we heard the author speak at a Christian Women's conference. The book was not well-written, in the sense that I'm used to better writing than that, and she was clearly working under a deadline, but some of the points were good, that it's hard to make friends as an adult but hopefully you'll find the person who just clicks with you

[wrenb]

It's not as sad as it seems. I'm just not a broadly connected person. Never have been.

[beth_leonard]

What kinds of things do you like to do? Maybe we could get together sometime and give something a try? I find that doing fun things together helps form the basis of a friendship. Something I'm interested in doing sometime is taking the Wilton Cake Decorating Course 3 where you learn to use fondant. I don't actually like how most fondant tastes, but it does look very good. I figure once I know how to use it properly I can change it to make it taste good to me

[wrenb]

Thanks. I have a rather spare design aesthetic. I don't do "pretty" when it comes to food. I'd rather sprinkle some powdered sugar over my cake and be done with it.
But I am going to be looking for classes to take as interesting things pop up.

[zathrus]

Good luck finding friends! I'm still finding mine through organized activities - homeschool support group and church - I wouldn't have the least idea how to find them otherwise. But I have a couple thoughts for you:

- What kind of people you find yourself enjoying being around is a form of information about yourself. It isn't everything you'd like to know, for sure, and I'm not discouraging introspection, but knowing whether you prefer to be around people you can vent to or people who are persistently sunny, for instance, is useful information.

- Sometimes, shared experience can trump everything else. One of my best and most persistent friends - and really, the only friend I have from our time in Forest Park who's more than a FB friend now - is one I never thought I'd get that close to. But I was struggling to keep my house clean around the time that she quit her teaching job to become a SAH soon-to-be-Mom, and we started helping each other clean house. I've cleaned dog hair out of the filter of her bagless vacuum cleaner; she's

[wrenb]

I think it's the "what kind of people" thing that has struck me recently. My Madison friends were primarily people like Drew. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits, but I suddenly realized that *I* am not like Drew, you know? And that maybe I should look for friends who are like me. At which point I froze, wondering what I was supposed to look for. I'm going to sign up for a charity knitting group at our synagogue, which will provide diversity. And I'm gradually meeting people around town, which is new and exciting.
Thanks Newt!

[nidea]

Thank you for sharing this! Friends are people we can show our not-perfect sides to. I wanted to become your friend, but I felt you were not interested, so I let it go. Many of my "mom friends" became acquaintances because of the kids, but there are a few among them who I truly cherish as friends now, 4 years later. I wish you luck!

“Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.”

― Georgia O'Keeffe

[wrenb]

I'm sorry for that. I think I'm missing some crucial part of the friendship skill set that understands how to move from acquaintance to solid friend. I felt a gap between even my best friend in Madison and myself.

I rely on my husband for a lot of my social needs. And I feel like I ought to be a little less dependent.

[nidea]

It's mostly time. I tend to form a bond with others based on a mutual need, and that leads to spending time together, which leads to finding out some things about them -- a common interest, or a personality quirk, or just that you feel good around each other -- that slowly morphs into friendship. But it's still hard, and takes work. And yeah, I feel like a teenager again lots of time.

I've been with the spinning guild for a few years, and I know some of those people are really good friends with each other, but I'm not yet. I look forward to seeing them, and I like them, but it's not friendship yet. Once a month (and I even miss that sometimes) is just not enough.

*hugs*

[wrenb]

Kid logistics are one of the greatest barriers to my social life. I'm working on it. I've just joined a babysitting coop. And of course if I want to go out without DH I can leave the kids at home with him.

The pressure cooker of college, or any other place where everyone is on an even footing of not knowing anyone, is awesome for making friends. And it's probably because of how rare that is that I generally feel like I'm not very good at connecting. We moved house 12 times by the time I was 13. Seven new schools. I always felt like everyone else knew each other.

BTW: My 18 month old thinks your icon is awesome. :)

[anemone]

I haven't had luck making friends since graduate school. I think the thing is really time--in college and graduate school, you have all this time you are spending together and that gives you a basis for friendship.

As an adult, it's harder to go through and make time to spend with people.