"Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" or "Waaaaay Too Much Information"
So my wife and I have progressed to the sterile plastic 3-ounce cup / laboratory technician stage of our family-making process, which lead to me living out my own personal episode of 24 this morning.
As I learned last week when my wife came home with the above-mentioned plastic cup and two pages of directions (you'd think two sentences would suffice), the notion of hospitals having specially selected rooms filled with porn for this purpose are apparently either a Hollywood creation or something that I'm just not lucky enough to experience. (But I have good insurance, I swear... let me in!) The two pages of directions were simple enough though, just get the sample to the hospital lab within one hour of its deposit, between the hours of 6:30 and 11:30 AM, keeping it at body temperature throughout the journey. So I planned the route with the help of MapQuest, keeping in mind traffic and road construction. They said it was a 31 minute drive... they were wrong.
(tick, tick, tick) 7:35. Wash my hands and I'm out the door. I'm planning on avoiding the freeway by taking the back roads through St. Michael, Otsego, Rogers, Dayton, Champlin, Anoka and Coon Rapids to get to the hospital, but Hwy 241 is all torn up and the detour includes three 4-way stops and two school zones. Get stuck behind a convoy of minivans and don't get to Hwy 101 until 7:50. This is not a good start.
(tick, tick, tick) 7:55. Finally get into the open country and accelerate to 60 when a semi hauling spools of cable pulls out in front of me. With no chance to pass, I follow him at 40 to Champlin where he turns off, only to reveal a half-loaded school bus dead ahead. The "specimen" is tucked between my legs, making it awkward to drive a manual transmission. I should have bought an automatic!
(tick, tick, tick) 8:07. As if the school bus stopping to pick up kids isn't bad enough, a family of ducks decides to cross the road right in front of me. This is just getting ridiculous! You're birds, for crying out loud! Can't you just fly over the road?
(tick, tick, tick) 8:11. Get into downtown Anoka where traffic is... really bad? I didn't know people in Anoka had jobs. Maybe they were just on their way home from the bar from the night before. I'm starting to worry, but the sample seems to be plenty warm. The fact that it's sunny and humid and I'm not using my air-conditioner or fans means that I'm also plenty warm. My deodorant is gonna be tested today.
(tick, tick, tick) 8:16. Pass by the donut shop from which we considered buying our wedding cake. Maybe I could stop for a quick bear claw. No! Must focus, almost there! Pull into parking lot - am I a visitor or a patient?!? Why do they make this so confusing?!? I know, I'll park out side the emergency room doors. I think this qualifies.
(tick, tick, tick) 8:20. I'm on foot now, looking for the receptionist desk for directions to the lab. Behind the desk is a man who appears to be eating a salad (for breakfast?) next to a sign explaining that this desk is currently not staffed and that I shouldn't interrupt his eating. What?!? Jack Bauer would have shot him in the forehead on principle. Gotta stay moving - the sign on the wall says the lab is that way. Turn the corner to find the cafeteria. I wonder if the guy at the receptionist desk knows about this?
(tick, tick, tick) 8:22. Right turn, left turn, right turn, another left. There it is... and there's the line of senior citizens extending out from the door. This isn't gonna be good. What's that, they're in a different line? Yes, success! But I still have to hand over the cup to the surprisingly hot nurse (her hotness I noticed in the .7 seconds that I was not staring at the floor).
(tick, tick, tick) 8:31. Return to car and debate whether or not I've earned that bear claw.
As I learned last week when my wife came home with the above-mentioned plastic cup and two pages of directions (you'd think two sentences would suffice), the notion of hospitals having specially selected rooms filled with porn for this purpose are apparently either a Hollywood creation or something that I'm just not lucky enough to experience. (But I have good insurance, I swear... let me in!) The two pages of directions were simple enough though, just get the sample to the hospital lab within one hour of its deposit, between the hours of 6:30 and 11:30 AM, keeping it at body temperature throughout the journey. So I planned the route with the help of MapQuest, keeping in mind traffic and road construction. They said it was a 31 minute drive... they were wrong.
(tick, tick, tick) 7:35. Wash my hands and I'm out the door. I'm planning on avoiding the freeway by taking the back roads through St. Michael, Otsego, Rogers, Dayton, Champlin, Anoka and Coon Rapids to get to the hospital, but Hwy 241 is all torn up and the detour includes three 4-way stops and two school zones. Get stuck behind a convoy of minivans and don't get to Hwy 101 until 7:50. This is not a good start.
(tick, tick, tick) 7:55. Finally get into the open country and accelerate to 60 when a semi hauling spools of cable pulls out in front of me. With no chance to pass, I follow him at 40 to Champlin where he turns off, only to reveal a half-loaded school bus dead ahead. The "specimen" is tucked between my legs, making it awkward to drive a manual transmission. I should have bought an automatic!
(tick, tick, tick) 8:07. As if the school bus stopping to pick up kids isn't bad enough, a family of ducks decides to cross the road right in front of me. This is just getting ridiculous! You're birds, for crying out loud! Can't you just fly over the road?
(tick, tick, tick) 8:11. Get into downtown Anoka where traffic is... really bad? I didn't know people in Anoka had jobs. Maybe they were just on their way home from the bar from the night before. I'm starting to worry, but the sample seems to be plenty warm. The fact that it's sunny and humid and I'm not using my air-conditioner or fans means that I'm also plenty warm. My deodorant is gonna be tested today.
(tick, tick, tick) 8:16. Pass by the donut shop from which we considered buying our wedding cake. Maybe I could stop for a quick bear claw. No! Must focus, almost there! Pull into parking lot - am I a visitor or a patient?!? Why do they make this so confusing?!? I know, I'll park out side the emergency room doors. I think this qualifies.
(tick, tick, tick) 8:20. I'm on foot now, looking for the receptionist desk for directions to the lab. Behind the desk is a man who appears to be eating a salad (for breakfast?) next to a sign explaining that this desk is currently not staffed and that I shouldn't interrupt his eating. What?!? Jack Bauer would have shot him in the forehead on principle. Gotta stay moving - the sign on the wall says the lab is that way. Turn the corner to find the cafeteria. I wonder if the guy at the receptionist desk knows about this?
(tick, tick, tick) 8:22. Right turn, left turn, right turn, another left. There it is... and there's the line of senior citizens extending out from the door. This isn't gonna be good. What's that, they're in a different line? Yes, success! But I still have to hand over the cup to the surprisingly hot nurse (her hotness I noticed in the .7 seconds that I was not staring at the floor).
(tick, tick, tick) 8:31. Return to car and debate whether or not I've earned that bear claw.