Brigit's Flame Week 1, May: Strawberries

[someoneingrey]

“'Strawberries are great; she'll love chocolate covered strawberries - everyone does!' Right, everyone who's not allergic to them.” Rob sighed as he slumped into the hospital chair with his head in his hands. In addition to feeling like a moron because he'd nearly killed Daria, he was sitting in the ER waiting room in leather pants, a hospital

Comments

[cedarwolfsinger]

Wow! Joy out of potential disaster! I like it! Nice work.

[someoneingrey]

Thanks!

[osoreranai]

Wow, what a story. Catches your attention almost from the opening line and just doesn't let you go. Great use of the prompt too.

[someoneingrey]

thank you!

Edit: Part One

[vyvyan_wilde]

“'Strawberries are great, she'll love chocolate covered strawberries, everyone does!' Right, everyone who's not allergic to them.”
-A semicolon or period is needed after "great."
-A colon (or semicolon or period, but I think colon works best) is needed after "strawberries."
-If this is a thought and not something he's saying aloud, it should be italicized and without quotation marks. ('Strawberries are great; she'll love chocolate covered strawberries: everyone does!' Right, everyone who's not allergic to them.)

-I want to praise how you began the story; it paints a funny picture of Rob's unfortunate situation and makes the reader curious about what led to it.

“She's gone into anaphalaxis , I didn't know she was allergic to strawberries.”
-anaphylaxis
-Another case where a period or semicolon is needed, this time after "anaphylaxis."

"It was a right good thing Dar drove a manual, or he wasn't sure how he would have gotten her to the hospital; an automatic and driving on the wrong side of the road would have probably gotten them

Re: Edit: Part Two

[vyvyan_wilde]

"He was however, much more accommodating to Daria."
-Comma after "was."

"And of course Mr Keller would be allowed to remain."
-Commas after "and" and "course."

"He was after all, her fiancé"
-Comma after "was."
-Period after "fiancé."

"Maybe he could move here, and they could go back to England for summers, or have the kids over to the US when school's out."
-"School's" here means "school is" which doesn't make sense in this sentence. "School was out" or "school let out" would be more fitting grammatically

Re: Edit: Part Two

[someoneingrey]

thanks Vy!

[someoneingrey]

victims?

[someoneingrey]

yes.

story of my life right now.