Brigit's Flame Week 1, May: Strawberries
“'Strawberries are great; she'll love chocolate covered strawberries - everyone does!' Right, everyone who's not allergic to them.” Rob sighed as he slumped into the hospital chair with his head in his hands. In addition to feeling like a moron because he'd nearly killed Daria, he was sitting in the ER waiting room in leather pants, a hospital
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-A semicolon or period is needed after "great."
-A colon (or semicolon or period, but I think colon works best) is needed after "strawberries."
-If this is a thought and not something he's saying aloud, it should be italicized and without quotation marks. ('Strawberries are great; she'll love chocolate covered strawberries: everyone does!' Right, everyone who's not allergic to them.)
-I want to praise how you began the story; it paints a funny picture of Rob's unfortunate situation and makes the reader curious about what led to it.
“She's gone into anaphalaxis , I didn't know she was allergic to strawberries.”
-anaphylaxis
-Another case where a period or semicolon is needed, this time after "anaphylaxis."
"It was a right good thing Dar drove a manual, or he wasn't sure how he would have gotten her to the hospital; an automatic and driving on the wrong side of the road would have probably gotten them both killed."
-Maybe I just don't get it, but wouldn't it be easier if he were driving an automatic since he'd have less to do? Again, maybe I missed the point.
"The men's room is down the hall to your right, you're going to need to wash every inch of exposed shin, in case you got strawberry on you."
-Again, a semicolon or period after "right."
"Dar liked it when he wore eye-liner, and so, seeing as this was a special occasion he had."
-A comma is needed after "occasion."
"He couldn't believe he'd nearly killed the woman he'd flown half way around the world for."
-halfway
"Rob couldn't help the smile on his face."
-Could be put more simply; as it is, the sentence seems a bit awkward. Just "Rob couldn't help but smile" would be more natural.
“I'm sorry. I realise you were allergic to strawberries.”
-Is this meant to be "I didn't realise you were allergic to strawberries."?
"This is ICU, there are big glass doors and wall separating everything."
-Instead of having her describe their surroundings (which is another sentence that reads awkwardly), you could describe it yourself in the narrative, for example, like this: "Why not? No one can hear us here." She gestured around to the big glass doors of the ICU that isolated them." This way Dar doesn't have the responsibility of giving the description to the readers.
“Hey, now, luv, you've no reason to cry.”
-I think "Hey now" is one expression, so there doesn't have to be a comma after "hey."
-Period or semicolon after "luv."
“And you said you didn't know if you could move to England [...] and I didn't know if I'd just fucked up the one good thing to come of the last year, Dar.
-Closing quotation mark needed at the end of the sentence
“I hadn't worked out all the details, I thought you should meet the two I've got, and make sure there needs to be another one of my spawn in the world, but I know how much you wanted kids, and I know how much I like practising making them with you, so it can't be all bad?”
-Period or semicolon after "details." I would make it a semicolon, because it seems like Rob is feeling emotional and trying to say a lot at once. Making it a period would break that breathless emotion.
“He's my fiancé And being here is hard enough for me without you making him leave.”
-The A in "and" should be lower case.
“Miss, you're in ICU, recovering from anaphalactic shock, that he caused.”
-Both commas after "ICU" aren't needed.
-anaphylactic
"Rob went to speak, but stopped when he saw the look Dar was giving him."
-I would state Dar's action directly here. For example: "Rob went to speak, but Dar silenced him with a glare." Before this sentence, you state her actions directly ("Daria sat up in bed"), and after as well (her asking for the bed sheets back) so it's a bit of a break in the flow to read the look that she gives him through Rob's eyes in the middle.
“The hospital will be happy to replace the sheet for you Miss.”
-A comma is needed after "you" (though you might think of striking "Miss" altogether because it's been said a lot).
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-Comma after "was."
"And of course Mr Keller would be allowed to remain."
-Commas after "and" and "course."
"He was after all, her fiancé"
-Comma after "was."
-Period after "fiancé."
"Maybe he could move here, and they could go back to England for summers, or have the kids over to the US when school's out."
-"School's" here means "school is" which doesn't make sense in this sentence. "School was out" or "school let out" would be more fitting grammatically.
-I would also like to praise the lack of huge infodumps throughout the piece. A lot of the exposition and backstory was delivered through dialogue and that's excellent because it really keeps the reader more engaged.
All in all, most of what I criticized had to do with minor errors and really isn't a big deal. This was a very sweet story and solid piece, both of those things, I think, being more important than the little mistakes. Great work! I hope this edit was helpful and please let me know if there are any questions.
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