This is a very long piece, so instead of giving you a line-by-line edit, I am just going to give general grammar notes (highlighted by bullet points), backed up with examples from your text. I will move on to concrit, as follows.
- We don’t know what else is going on, because we are so cut off from everything else. Watch your commas. Some minor missteps throughout, like this one before “because”.
-“How did you get the name ‘Hatter’?” The punctuation should go inside both sets of quotations
-Hewson started to laugh but stopped abruptly when he saw how serious she was. “Laura-” remember to use a proper emdash, not an endash, to designate an abrupt interruption.
-My dad died in combat when I was 19.”Numbers smaller than one hundred should be written out
( ... )
Hi someoneingrey--I've started on your edit but I have something major due tomorrow, and I can't give it the attention it deserves right now. I can get to work on it tomorrow, but I wanted to let you know I'm working on it, and it will be late. Sorry about that.
By sections, I only meant that you have put in some endashes in between a lot of the scenes:
He barely heard the woman standing over him order more anaesthesia as the world faded again.
-
“He’s still unconscious. Vitals are steady, but he’s restless.”
“It’s to be expected. If he doesn’t wake in the next couple of hours, it will become an issue. Until then, keep an eye on his pressure and keep up with the blood.”
-
“Ma’am?”
That was my only suggestion. The rest was really great work!
edit incoming!silverflight8August 3 2013, 04:45:07 UTC
Whew, here we go! Apologies for the delay--took me a couple sessions because I kept getting interrupted :) Because it is so long, I've intermixed the general comments and the more specific line-by-line comments together.
“If there was a living, breathing doctor in this hospital I’d let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. As it stands, we have eighteen nurses and a handful of dead doctors. Some of the nurses have more trauma and combat experience than others and most of us have more combat surgical experience than the doctors did anyway.” -This sounds like a very long sentence to scream, especially since she seems to be very busy. When I get busy I stop talking in full comprehensible sentences.
by the door. “What can I do for you?” -Again to me this sounds so polite! I'd be like this on a desk job in the library, but with someone I worked with, I'd probably say "What?"
abd the last one -Typo on "and"
It wasn’t worth walking away from the discussion before he pointed out that there wasn’t a doctor on staff.-?? But doesn't he
( ... )
Re: edit incoming!silverflight8August 3 2013, 04:54:49 UTC
I like how you showed their relationship developing. I see from Wikipedia that in the military they used "MASH", and the asterisks are from the TV show's styling, which threw me a bit (I'd always wondered why those asterisks were there
( ... )
Comments 8
This is a very long piece, so instead of giving you a line-by-line edit, I am just going to give general grammar notes (highlighted by bullet points), backed up with examples from your text. I will move on to concrit, as follows.
- We don’t know what else is going on, because we are so cut off from everything else. Watch your commas. Some minor missteps throughout, like this one before “because”.
-“How did you get the name ‘Hatter’?” The punctuation should go inside both sets of quotations
-Hewson started to laugh but stopped abruptly when he saw how serious she was. “Laura-” remember to use a proper emdash, not an endash, to designate an abrupt interruption.
-My dad died in combat when I was 19.”Numbers smaller than one hundred should be written out ( ... )
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I'm not sure what you're saying about the transitions and sections?
It was actually a lot of fun to write. Though, Blue yelled at me for killing characters...
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Good luck with whatever is due.
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He barely heard the woman standing over him order more anaesthesia as the world faded again.
-
“He’s still unconscious. Vitals are steady, but he’s restless.”
“It’s to be expected. If he doesn’t wake in the next couple of hours, it will become an issue. Until then, keep an eye on his pressure and keep up with the blood.”
-
“Ma’am?”
That was my only suggestion. The rest was really great work!
Reply
Reply
“If there was a living, breathing doctor in this hospital I’d let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. As it stands, we have eighteen nurses and a handful of dead doctors. Some of the nurses have more trauma and combat experience than others and most of us have more combat surgical experience than the doctors did anyway.”
-This sounds like a very long sentence to scream, especially since she seems to be very busy. When I get busy I stop talking in full comprehensible sentences.
by the door. “What can I do for you?”
-Again to me this sounds so polite! I'd be like this on a desk job in the library, but with someone I worked with, I'd probably say "What?"
abd the last one
-Typo on "and"
It wasn’t worth walking away from the discussion before he pointed out that there wasn’t a doctor on staff.-?? But doesn't he ( ... )
Reply
Reply
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