edit incoming!silverflight8August 3 2013, 04:45:07 UTC
Whew, here we go! Apologies for the delay--took me a couple sessions because I kept getting interrupted :) Because it is so long, I've intermixed the general comments and the more specific line-by-line comments together.
“If there was a living, breathing doctor in this hospital I’d let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. As it stands, we have eighteen nurses and a handful of dead doctors. Some of the nurses have more trauma and combat experience than others and most of us have more combat surgical experience than the doctors did anyway.” -This sounds like a very long sentence to scream, especially since she seems to be very busy. When I get busy I stop talking in full comprehensible sentences.
by the door. “What can I do for you?” -Again to me this sounds so polite! I'd be like this on a desk job in the library, but with someone I worked with, I'd probably say "What?"
abd the last one -Typo on "and"
It wasn’t worth walking away from the discussion before he pointed out that there wasn’t a doctor on staff. -?? But doesn't he already say? (She points it out--the last one committed suicide last month)
It would be unthinkable -There's nothing wrong with the sentence itself but it feels very formal, very written--not really how I'd expect someone in real life to speak.
Shhhh, I know it’s called phantom limb syndrome. -I think you need a period after "I know"--i.e., "Shh, I know. It's called phantom..." At the moment it sounds like she's demonstrating her knowledge.
but so far, she and the remaining nurses were doing the best they could. -The way this sentence is set up, I expected her to say "all right" or something at the end. The effort isn't as important as the result (i.e. they could be doing their best without six doctors but they might be killing all their patients, and that wouldn't really fit into the sentence.)
“Of course they do.”
By the time the commander -Missing a scene break?
my care, to -I don't think you need the comma here.
*I think you've lost all your scene breaks! Either start with no hyphens to break up the action, or always have hyphens--it's confusing otherwise.
*I'm a bit confused about Hewson. He seems to brush off the injury completely at first, when he assures Hatter she did right...this is an entire 180. I know you mention that the prosthetic "makes it real" but I think you could build it up throughout, or just drop a bit of hinting in.
“So you want to use me for my rank.”
“All you have to do is sign off on the supply requests.”
-I laughed. Oh man.
but failING miserably -Typo?
eighty per cent -Should be "percent".
I did the same thing for you that I’ve done for everyone under my care, I made sure you got the care you needed and made the best decision I could. -This is a comma splice and I know it's dialogue, but I think it would sound better with a dash instead of a comma.
the cease fire -I believe it's usually "ceasefire", one word.
Hewson collapsed crying -I have two issues, I think: one, that it comes very suddenly (the preceding sentence and the other one have him denying it), and secondly that the wording--I think maybe "he collapsed" is just a little subtler, and maybe put the crying afterward. (This is most definitely a stylistic issue though, and my preferences.)
He knew that notification officers never joked. They never did anything but deliver the news and try to console those they encountered. -These sentences really pack a punch. Especially the first, which is so short and to the point and devastating.
Hewson chuckled -Without other context with the chuckle, it sounds like he's suddenly stopped crying and has switched to being happy.
I believe you are to receive one yourself, we will make sure it can be done at the same ceremony.” -Another comma splice--maybe try a semi-colon here.
Re: edit incoming!silverflight8August 3 2013, 04:54:49 UTC
I like how you showed their relationship developing. I see from Wikipedia that in the military they used "MASH", and the asterisks are from the TV show's styling, which threw me a bit (I'd always wondered why those asterisks were there!)
The main thing I noticed was that sometimes you told us things that we already knew--that so-and-so felt horrible, that their unit was short on supplies--through dialogue especially. Sometimes it seemed unlikely because the two characters would probably have already been aware of the issues; it's sort of like how two friends' speech is not intelligible to others because they're building on conversations they've laid down before. I think some of the information might be better brought across in narration, just because it's odd for characters to talk about stuff they already know.
I agree about the transitions vs breaks keppie brings up--it makes the writing very choppy. They're effective, but maybe not as frequently. (And please choose one or the other! I thought maybe LJ ate some of your punctuation at one point.)
One more thing--and I swear I red-ink over everyone; I can't help it--I'm not sure you need to always include all the details of each part of their relationship. Possibly it's me and wayyyy too many romance novels (I cringe and skip as fast as possible once I see "dearly beloved") since we usually already know the rote words. Unless they're especially significant--an echo of what they said before, perhaps--I think you could focus on other parts of the ceremonies.
Overall, I'm really impressed at this story! It's long, especially for b_f but you sustained the relationship nicely and the conflict with HQ (auuughh) was unfortunately only too convincing.
“If there was a living, breathing doctor in this hospital I’d let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. As it stands, we have eighteen nurses and a handful of dead doctors. Some of the nurses have more trauma and combat experience than others and most of us have more combat surgical experience than the doctors did anyway.”
-This sounds like a very long sentence to scream, especially since she seems to be very busy. When I get busy I stop talking in full comprehensible sentences.
by the door. “What can I do for you?”
-Again to me this sounds so polite! I'd be like this on a desk job in the library, but with someone I worked with, I'd probably say "What?"
abd the last one
-Typo on "and"
It wasn’t worth walking away from the discussion before he pointed out that there wasn’t a doctor on staff.
-?? But doesn't he already say? (She points it out--the last one committed suicide last month)
It would be unthinkable
-There's nothing wrong with the sentence itself but it feels very formal, very written--not really how I'd expect someone in real life to speak.
Shhhh, I know it’s called phantom limb syndrome.
-I think you need a period after "I know"--i.e., "Shh, I know. It's called phantom..." At the moment it sounds like she's demonstrating her knowledge.
but so far, she and the remaining nurses were doing the best they could.
-The way this sentence is set up, I expected her to say "all right" or something at the end. The effort isn't as important as the result (i.e. they could be doing their best without six doctors but they might be killing all their patients, and that wouldn't really fit into the sentence.)
“Of course they do.”
By the time the commander
-Missing a scene break?
my care, to
-I don't think you need the comma here.
*I think you've lost all your scene breaks! Either start with no hyphens to break up the action, or always have hyphens--it's confusing otherwise.
*I'm a bit confused about Hewson. He seems to brush off the injury completely at first, when he assures Hatter she did right...this is an entire 180. I know you mention that the prosthetic "makes it real" but I think you could build it up throughout, or just drop a bit of hinting in.
“So you want to use me for my rank.”
“All you have to do is sign off on the supply requests.”
-I laughed. Oh man.
but failING miserably
-Typo?
eighty per cent
-Should be "percent".
I did the same thing for you that I’ve done for everyone under my care, I made sure you got the care you needed and made the best decision I could.
-This is a comma splice and I know it's dialogue, but I think it would sound better with a dash instead of a comma.
the cease fire
-I believe it's usually "ceasefire", one word.
Hewson collapsed crying
-I have two issues, I think: one, that it comes very suddenly (the preceding sentence and the other one have him denying it), and secondly that the wording--I think maybe "he collapsed" is just a little subtler, and maybe put the crying afterward. (This is most definitely a stylistic issue though, and my preferences.)
He knew that notification officers never joked. They never did anything but deliver the news and try to console those they encountered.
-These sentences really pack a punch. Especially the first, which is so short and to the point and devastating.
Hewson chuckled
-Without other context with the chuckle, it sounds like he's suddenly stopped crying and has switched to being happy.
I believe you are to receive one yourself, we will make sure it can be done at the same ceremony.”
-Another comma splice--maybe try a semi-colon here.
This is a long comment--continued in the next.
Reply
The main thing I noticed was that sometimes you told us things that we already knew--that so-and-so felt horrible, that their unit was short on supplies--through dialogue especially. Sometimes it seemed unlikely because the two characters would probably have already been aware of the issues; it's sort of like how two friends' speech is not intelligible to others because they're building on conversations they've laid down before. I think some of the information might be better brought across in narration, just because it's odd for characters to talk about stuff they already know.
I agree about the transitions vs breaks keppie brings up--it makes the writing very choppy. They're effective, but maybe not as frequently. (And please choose one or the other! I thought maybe LJ ate some of your punctuation at one point.)
One more thing--and I swear I red-ink over everyone; I can't help it--I'm not sure you need to always include all the details of each part of their relationship. Possibly it's me and wayyyy too many romance novels (I cringe and skip as fast as possible once I see "dearly beloved") since we usually already know the rote words. Unless they're especially significant--an echo of what they said before, perhaps--I think you could focus on other parts of the ceremonies.
Overall, I'm really impressed at this story! It's long, especially for b_f but you sustained the relationship nicely and the conflict with HQ (auuughh) was unfortunately only too convincing.
Reply
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