changing, changing...letting the barriers fall when they are ready. letting him work his crazy magic. letting myself. releasing. how serious is all of this? who am I? silence and then laughter.

living with an illness is difficult. I feel like it was very appropriate for me to read this book right now. I mean, it's not nearly as bad as cancer, but it still gives me an idea of how she had to live. When I am sick for this long I have to turn each day into a routine. I decided not too long ago that I didn't really enjoy following routines ( Read more... )

I would like some company, but I still feel so sick... I would like to write my papers, but I still feel so sick...haha. I'll write them tomorrow and sunday. I'm glad I got to see dale again today. It went very well. I will not run away from my anxiety. If it is then it is. I am pretty delirious and full of sinus pressure, aww yeaaahhhh. It' ( Read more... )

Time, I have so much of it ( Read more... )

ahhhhh! wait that's not right...how do I spell *sigh*, but one of those good sighs? One of those sighs that is full of...whatever it is...haha I'm not sure. I wanted to say full of relief but I'm not so sure about that. Maybe full of Life. When I feel very alive then I sigh like that. It's like a deep satisfaction sigh. One of those ( Read more... )

woah grizzly man, woah ( Read more... )

sick sick sick...hmmmm. Not so clear today. Not so clear. But it's all good hehe. I like watching. I like being the Witness. I detach from my bodymind and even my soul sometimes and then I watch the events unfold in the most beautiful ways and sometimes I become the unfolding events. I watch the illness progress; I AM the illness. I watch ( Read more... )

when I am actively engaged in living, be it studying or out on a walk or whatever I do not worry so much. I tend to just let go and live fully. This is good to remember on those days when I wake up worrying hehe...like today. I feel much more okay with how I feel now because I've been actively engaged in living for the past few hours. Just ( Read more... )

as it so often happens, i can't think of anything to say, but I feel like saying something. I feel like hugs are in order. I could really use a good hug. It isn't easy, but did I think it would be? nope... I'm not sure what direction to move in, I feel stifled by this sinus infection... I am stuck in my home. I don't have enough energy to do ( Read more... )

sometimes I want to go back into those moments that I have safely kept away in my memory and I want to stay there forever. But I know what happens when people try to do that. I see it all around me. And my center, the core of me, does not really want to do that anyway. I want to live completely! and trying to live in memories isn't really being ( Read more... )