SG-1 Fic - "Z is for Z"
Genre: Gen
Characters: Jack, Daniel, Walter (cameo)
Summary: "You’ve not noticed how things beginning with Z always turn out bad for us?"
Notes: Part of the Jack Alphabits for SG-1 Gen Fic Day. Set between the end of season 8 and the beginning of season 9.
Thanks to aelfgyfu_mead for the speedy beta, and for preventing me from plagarising the show a little. Thanks to sg_fignewton for starting me off on the list of Z-words. Thanks to SG-1 Solutions and the Gateworld Omnipedia for research. (Yes I did just say "Gateworld". The Omnipedia is quite good!)
“Jack,” said Daniel as he wandered into the nearly empty commissary.
“Daniel,” Jack responded from the far side of the room without looking up from his plate of apple pie with a single scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side.
Daniel walked over to Jack’s table and sat down. Resting his forearms on the table, he stared across at Jack for a moment before asking, “Whatcha doing?”
Jack dug into his pie with his spoon and scooped up a little ice cream before shovelling it into his mouth. He chewed a few times before replying indistinctly, “Eating pie.”
Daniel’s face transformed into an expression of restrained disgust at Jack’s manners, his eyes narrowing, lips thinning and nose wrinkling up.
“What?” Jack demanded.
Daniel raised his eyebrows at him.
“Was I supposed to be somewhere?”
“I don’t know. But then, I’m not your Personal Assistant,” Daniel responded mildly.
“I don’t have a -“ Jack began.
“And I’m not Walter,” Daniel interrupted.
“True,” Jack stated, pointing his spoon at Daniel before using it for the purpose for which it was designed. Daniel glared at Jack until he finished the mouthful.
Jack sighed mentally and gave in.
“I was thinking,” he admitted.
Daniel’s eyebrows reached for his hairline. “Really? Okay, what were you thinking about?”
“Z,” Jack responded with a flourish of his hands.
“Z?”
“Yes, Daniel. Z.”
“As in ‘catching Zs’?”
“No, that’s something I prefer to do instead of think about. Z as in ‘the letter at the opposite end of the alphabet from A.’”
“Why?”
“No, Z.”
Daniel rolled his eyes. “Why are you thinking about the letter Z?”
“Why not?”
Daniel looked at Jack over the top of his glasses.
“They’re serving stuffed zucchini today.”
Daniel considered this for a moment. “Well, that would do it,” he agreed. “What exactly are you thinking about the letter Z?”
“How it always means bad things.”
“I take it you don’t like the stuffed zucchini then?” Daniel asked.
“As a matter of fact, I don’t much care for them.”
“So, Z?” Daniel prompted.
“Yeah. You’ve not noticed how things beginning with Z always turn out bad for us?”
“Ah, no.”
“Well, take Zippy for example.”
Daniel frowned as he translated from O’Neillese to English. “Zipacna.”
“Yeah him. Nothing but trouble. Oh and then there was - what’s his name - Zukhov, and the whole hidden Russian agenda thing and in a ziggurat to boot. There’s a twofer for ya!”
“Okay, and?”
“Then there’s Zeditron Industries. They kept on biting us on the ass. Those zebra type things on P3X-346; they kept on biting us on the ass too.”
Daniel nodded.
“Zits,” Jack stated.
“From when Loki cloned you?” Daniel guessed.
“Exactly, even if it wasn’t me who got them. Seeing them was bad enough. X’els.”
“X’els?”
“One of those aliens pretending to be talking animals, remember? He got onto the base and kept on making people disappear.”
“Yes I know who X’els is, but it’s spelled with an X.”
“It is?”
“Yes, X, apostrophe, E, L, S. And we met Tonane’s people on that mission, so I tend to see it as a positive.”
“Well, there is that,” Jack conceded. “Okay, then, za’tarcs. Don’t try and tell me those things were good news.”
“I suppose not.”
“Zombies. From that time in Nicaragua with the Tell Chuck device.”
“Telchak. Yeah, that was - that was pretty bad,” Daniel grimaced, probably trying not to think about the experience of being kidnapped and the zombie who just wouldn’t give up.
“Then there’s Zats.”
Daniel looked confused before he pointed out, “You like Zats.”
“To use myself! I’m not so fond of others using them on me.”
“Not everything we’ve encountered that begins with Z has been bad. What about Zarin?”
“Z- What now?”
“Zarin. She was a Tok’ra-ah, never mind,” Daniel trailed off as he realised who he was trying to convince that a Tok’ra was a good thing.
“Trouble,” Jack commented smugly.
“ZPM!” Daniel declared, confident that he’d found something beginning with Z that even Jack wouldn’t think was bad.
“Ah yes! ‘Zed’ PMs.”
Daniel rolled his eyes at Jack’s use of air quotes.
“Now you’d think they’d be good news,” Jack continued, “what with powering up the Antarctic outpost and Atlantis and all.”
“Without which Anubis would surely have enslaved or destroyed Earth, and the Atlantis expedition would have been slaughtered by the Wraith with the possibility of them finding their way to Earth and a whole rich new feeding ground. Yes, yes, I’d expect ZPMs to be considered good news.”
“That’s just because you haven’t had your mind zapped by one of those face huggers so you could go on a galactic treasure hunt for one while facing your imminent demise.”
“You wouldn’t let me,” Daniel pointed out.
“Not the point! Also we apparently went back in time to get the latest one of those things, so you can imagine the headaches my alternate self had to endure listening to Carter babble on about timelines and cause-watcha-ma-call it. And there are fish in my pond.”
Daniel gave Jack the look that Jack had pithily come to call his “I’m astounded by the level of insanity you have achieved” look.
“Fish.”
“Yes. According to the tape there were no fish in my pond before they, or us, or whoever, went back in time and changed things. Can you imagine how much more relaxing fishing at my cabin would be if there weren’t actual fish that keep insisting on attaching themselves to my line?”
“Right.”
At that moment the klaxon sounded, the flashing red warning lights came on, and Walter’s dulcet tones filled the room.
"Unscheduled off world activation. General O’Neill to the Gateroom.”
By the time Jack and Daniel had made it to the control room, a bedraggled-looking SG-5 were standing next to a piece of technology that looked a lot like a microwave. One of them was crouched next to it gesticulating wildly. The view was slightly obscured by the fact that there were rivulets of water streaming down the reinforced glass to form puddles on the Gateroom floor.
“Walter?” Jack asked.
“SG-5 returned earlier than expected, Sir. They found a piece of technology on PZ3-823 that seemed similar in function to the device on Madrona.”
“And they brought it back?”
“The planet was uninhabited and the device was inactive.”
“Well, it’s on now!”
“It activated as soon as it came through the Gate, Sir.”
“It’s raining in the Gateroom, Walter. We’re buried under a mountain. It’s not supposed to rain under mountains. It’s supposed to rain on mountains!”
“Yes, Sir,” Walter muttered helplessly.
“Whose idea was it to bring it back?”
“Major Zachary, Sir.”
“Zachary.” Jack repeated, looking straight at Daniel. “Told you so!”
“Zoinks!” said Daniel.
Characters: Jack, Daniel, Walter (cameo)
Summary: "You’ve not noticed how things beginning with Z always turn out bad for us?"
Notes: Part of the Jack Alphabits for SG-1 Gen Fic Day. Set between the end of season 8 and the beginning of season 9.
Thanks to aelfgyfu_mead for the speedy beta, and for preventing me from plagarising the show a little. Thanks to sg_fignewton for starting me off on the list of Z-words. Thanks to SG-1 Solutions and the Gateworld Omnipedia for research. (Yes I did just say "Gateworld". The Omnipedia is quite good!)
“Jack,” said Daniel as he wandered into the nearly empty commissary.
“Daniel,” Jack responded from the far side of the room without looking up from his plate of apple pie with a single scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side.
Daniel walked over to Jack’s table and sat down. Resting his forearms on the table, he stared across at Jack for a moment before asking, “Whatcha doing?”
Jack dug into his pie with his spoon and scooped up a little ice cream before shovelling it into his mouth. He chewed a few times before replying indistinctly, “Eating pie.”
Daniel’s face transformed into an expression of restrained disgust at Jack’s manners, his eyes narrowing, lips thinning and nose wrinkling up.
“What?” Jack demanded.
Daniel raised his eyebrows at him.
“Was I supposed to be somewhere?”
“I don’t know. But then, I’m not your Personal Assistant,” Daniel responded mildly.
“I don’t have a -“ Jack began.
“And I’m not Walter,” Daniel interrupted.
“True,” Jack stated, pointing his spoon at Daniel before using it for the purpose for which it was designed. Daniel glared at Jack until he finished the mouthful.
Jack sighed mentally and gave in.
“I was thinking,” he admitted.
Daniel’s eyebrows reached for his hairline. “Really? Okay, what were you thinking about?”
“Z,” Jack responded with a flourish of his hands.
“Z?”
“Yes, Daniel. Z.”
“As in ‘catching Zs’?”
“No, that’s something I prefer to do instead of think about. Z as in ‘the letter at the opposite end of the alphabet from A.’”
“Why?”
“No, Z.”
Daniel rolled his eyes. “Why are you thinking about the letter Z?”
“Why not?”
Daniel looked at Jack over the top of his glasses.
“They’re serving stuffed zucchini today.”
Daniel considered this for a moment. “Well, that would do it,” he agreed. “What exactly are you thinking about the letter Z?”
“How it always means bad things.”
“I take it you don’t like the stuffed zucchini then?” Daniel asked.
“As a matter of fact, I don’t much care for them.”
“So, Z?” Daniel prompted.
“Yeah. You’ve not noticed how things beginning with Z always turn out bad for us?”
“Ah, no.”
“Well, take Zippy for example.”
Daniel frowned as he translated from O’Neillese to English. “Zipacna.”
“Yeah him. Nothing but trouble. Oh and then there was - what’s his name - Zukhov, and the whole hidden Russian agenda thing and in a ziggurat to boot. There’s a twofer for ya!”
“Okay, and?”
“Then there’s Zeditron Industries. They kept on biting us on the ass. Those zebra type things on P3X-346; they kept on biting us on the ass too.”
Daniel nodded.
“Zits,” Jack stated.
“From when Loki cloned you?” Daniel guessed.
“Exactly, even if it wasn’t me who got them. Seeing them was bad enough. X’els.”
“X’els?”
“One of those aliens pretending to be talking animals, remember? He got onto the base and kept on making people disappear.”
“Yes I know who X’els is, but it’s spelled with an X.”
“It is?”
“Yes, X, apostrophe, E, L, S. And we met Tonane’s people on that mission, so I tend to see it as a positive.”
“Well, there is that,” Jack conceded. “Okay, then, za’tarcs. Don’t try and tell me those things were good news.”
“I suppose not.”
“Zombies. From that time in Nicaragua with the Tell Chuck device.”
“Telchak. Yeah, that was - that was pretty bad,” Daniel grimaced, probably trying not to think about the experience of being kidnapped and the zombie who just wouldn’t give up.
“Then there’s Zats.”
Daniel looked confused before he pointed out, “You like Zats.”
“To use myself! I’m not so fond of others using them on me.”
“Not everything we’ve encountered that begins with Z has been bad. What about Zarin?”
“Z- What now?”
“Zarin. She was a Tok’ra-ah, never mind,” Daniel trailed off as he realised who he was trying to convince that a Tok’ra was a good thing.
“Trouble,” Jack commented smugly.
“ZPM!” Daniel declared, confident that he’d found something beginning with Z that even Jack wouldn’t think was bad.
“Ah yes! ‘Zed’ PMs.”
Daniel rolled his eyes at Jack’s use of air quotes.
“Now you’d think they’d be good news,” Jack continued, “what with powering up the Antarctic outpost and Atlantis and all.”
“Without which Anubis would surely have enslaved or destroyed Earth, and the Atlantis expedition would have been slaughtered by the Wraith with the possibility of them finding their way to Earth and a whole rich new feeding ground. Yes, yes, I’d expect ZPMs to be considered good news.”
“That’s just because you haven’t had your mind zapped by one of those face huggers so you could go on a galactic treasure hunt for one while facing your imminent demise.”
“You wouldn’t let me,” Daniel pointed out.
“Not the point! Also we apparently went back in time to get the latest one of those things, so you can imagine the headaches my alternate self had to endure listening to Carter babble on about timelines and cause-watcha-ma-call it. And there are fish in my pond.”
Daniel gave Jack the look that Jack had pithily come to call his “I’m astounded by the level of insanity you have achieved” look.
“Fish.”
“Yes. According to the tape there were no fish in my pond before they, or us, or whoever, went back in time and changed things. Can you imagine how much more relaxing fishing at my cabin would be if there weren’t actual fish that keep insisting on attaching themselves to my line?”
“Right.”
At that moment the klaxon sounded, the flashing red warning lights came on, and Walter’s dulcet tones filled the room.
"Unscheduled off world activation. General O’Neill to the Gateroom.”
By the time Jack and Daniel had made it to the control room, a bedraggled-looking SG-5 were standing next to a piece of technology that looked a lot like a microwave. One of them was crouched next to it gesticulating wildly. The view was slightly obscured by the fact that there were rivulets of water streaming down the reinforced glass to form puddles on the Gateroom floor.
“Walter?” Jack asked.
“SG-5 returned earlier than expected, Sir. They found a piece of technology on PZ3-823 that seemed similar in function to the device on Madrona.”
“And they brought it back?”
“The planet was uninhabited and the device was inactive.”
“Well, it’s on now!”
“It activated as soon as it came through the Gate, Sir.”
“It’s raining in the Gateroom, Walter. We’re buried under a mountain. It’s not supposed to rain under mountains. It’s supposed to rain on mountains!”
“Yes, Sir,” Walter muttered helplessly.
“Whose idea was it to bring it back?”
“Major Zachary, Sir.”
“Zachary.” Jack repeated, looking straight at Daniel. “Told you so!”
“Zoinks!” said Daniel.