The Word Problem
"Why do you exist?"
He asked me this years ago. I was struggling, wrapped up in my own little world. I was a single mom on my own juggling the responsibilities of a full-time job at a convenience store, a part-time job assisting an elderly woman, full-time college courses and raising a 4 year old. The "me time" that I managed to fit in was very sparse. The time of night this was asked was stealing precious hours needed for sleep before dropping my son off at daycare. I didn't have an answer then. I muddled through possibilities for the rest of that night and early on into daybreak. It wasn't until late that evening, when I came home, that I finally had an answer.
"I exist for my child, for my friends, for those I love"
"No."
"Then..." (flustered) "I don't know..."
I could almost taste the disappointment in His voice. I became angry. How the fuck would He know the reason for my existence? Who the fuck did He think He was anyway? But I remained silent. Seething. My answer didn't fit even then and I knew it. But, I didn't want to admit it. Still I had no idea.
I mulled over this conversation for years, searching for the answer. When I failed at raising my child and had to put him up for adoption; when He broke my heart; when I felt I had absolutely nothing left to live for.... Finding the answer to this question became an obsession. I began to ask others. Randomly, just wondering if anyone else knew the reason they existed. Some did, some did not. Some refused to share their thoughts. For those that did, I compared their answers to myself, searching for any hint that would lend itself to discovery. It was all for nothing.
Or so I thought...
It was many years later that He and I reconnected and the question came up again:
"Why do you exist?"
I smiled. This time I had an answer. However, just to be certain, I rolled the question around in my head once more. I picked my past apart. Studied every aspect as best I could. Noted when I was most at ease and what ultimately fulfilled me during various points of my life. How the answer effected my world as I perceived it. After doing so, I chuckled to myself. The correct answer was so obvious...
"I exist to serve..."
written for therealljidol week 8