Probably the funniest thing I have ever read...
And that's saying a lot. A friend of mine sent this in an email, and I laughed so hard I cried. At work. In front of people. It's sick and twisted, but that's the way we like it, right?
Sometimes you just need to laugh your ass off.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
> purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
> Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
> was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
> supposed to be
> short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her
> adequate time to retreat to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
> brought it home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,that if I
> pushed the button
> and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
> I'd get the blue arc of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
> myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
> batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and
> thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
> of a second)
> and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
> I was going to
> give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want
> some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
> wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions in one hand,
> and taser in the other.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
> muscle spasms and a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your
> assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
> burst longer than three
>
> seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
> I'm looking at this little device
> measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and
> (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
> to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do my best...?
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
> head cocked to one
> side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,
> 'reasoning that a one second burst from such a
> tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> decided to give
> myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
> the prongs to
> my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT
> THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
> carpet, over a nd over
> and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
> the fetal position, with tears
> in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
> testicles nowhere to be found,
> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> clinging to
> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
> an attempt to avoid getting
> slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
> burst when you zap yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a
> violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
> would be considered conservative?
&g t;
> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace. The
> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
> it originally
>
> was.My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it
> had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
> 88 lbs. I had no
> control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but
> was too numb to
> know for sure and my sense of smell was gone I saw a faint
> smoke cloud above my head
> which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
> for my nuts and I'm
> offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
& gt;
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
> me with it!
> ? ? ? ?'If you think Education is difficult, try being
> stupid.'