Taboo: Chapter 1: Rite of Passage (Part 3)

[wingeddreamer9]

Title: Taboo
Author: wingeddreamer9
Rating: PG for now, probably R later for sexual content and possible violence
Word Count: 10,583 for whole chapter, 5,953 for this part
Warnings/Spoilers: Slash, fem-slash, mentions of sex, possibly mentions of violence, pesky gods who like to stick their noses where they don't belong

Story Summary: In a world where

Comments

format etc.

[deirdrabaldwin]

Is there any way to narrow the text, so that it more resembles
what we would read in a book. I think that would enhance the reader's experience.

Are they all cats? Why are they still kittens at nine years old, which in kitty life is late middle age. Sort of the age of Puss in Boots. Did you ever see those English postcards, where the cats are dressed in street clothes and doing people things?

I like that Ash took the alley; that's catlike. I don't really know fantasy genre, so I'm not the person to comment, though I'm commenting.

Re: format etc.

[wingeddreamer9]

I don't know if I can narrow the text... though you are right. It would make it more like reading a book. I'll have to look at my LJ settings and see if I can do that.

Yes, they are all cats. The Commoners are different breeds of housecat, while Nobles and Mages are different types of large cat - tiger, puma, lion, etc. All three classes have human-like lifespans, so they remain children ("kittens") until their teens. Important note: Nobles aren't considered adults in their class until the age of 20.

I think I know which postcards you're talking about, but if you have a link to them, I would love it! That might be a good source of inspiration. ^__^

Thank you very much for your comment! ^__^

Feedback

[loveispudding]

Sorry would have done this earlier but I've been on the road for a while.I'll start off with Cons than move on to Pros (though I'm sure I don't have a lot of cons).

The story is really creative and I like how descriptive you are without going overboard. In the beginning though I was confused on whether or not the cats walked on four legs or two and it was that way until after Maye had her head on Ash's shoulder. It would be best if you clarified that pretty early on.

"But where are they going? Who's taking them? Who could possibly want so may young male slaves."
When I first read that I was confused, because the character seemed to be jumping the gun with the whole slaves thing. I think that you should bring up the slavers thing earlier in the story or extend the conversation that they have so it doesn't feel so out of the blue for her to say that.

His mother smirked. "Maye was wanted answers, did she?"I think this is a typo or it feels like a typo with how it's worded

Re: Feedback

[wingeddreamer9]

1) I will go back and reread the beginning. I thought I had made it clear that my characters walked on two legs rather than four without needing to beat my readers with a bat, but that might have just been me not getting down the entire image in my head properly. If I find places where I need to expand on it, I will.

2) I was afraid that conversation would come out rushed. It was added in after the scene was already complete, and I wasn't sure if it meshed well. I will most certainly go back and revise it.

3) Yup, that was a typo. Fixed now! Thanks!

4) *sigh* Yup, ending feels rushed. Grrr, stupid uncooperative muses. It will get fine-tuned once Ash decides he wants to stop being stupid. *glares at the tabby curled up in the back of her mind*

Thank you for your review!

[plalligator]

I pretty much agree with the stuff in the above comment! And...let's see...oh yes. Can they see in the dark? Do their eyes do that reflecting-thing in the dark like normal cats? Which is...a random question, I know.

Also, one thing that sometimes confuses me is the fact that you "queen" or "tabby" or words like that to describe the characters. On the one hand, it kind of adds...authenticity...to the story, because saying "the woman" or "the man" wouldn't really be accurate. On the other hand, it can be kind of confusing. Their names would work just as well. But I think it's probably really a preference thing. :/

[wingeddreamer9]

I love your reviews. You ask intelligent questions that make me THINK about my world and I love it.

Yes, they have tapetum lucidum (that reflective layer on the retina that gives cats the appearance of laser vision when you catch them at the right angle with a camera =P) and thus have excellent night vision. That does not mean they can see in absolute darkness, however, because real cats can't see in absolute darkness - there has to be at least a little bit of light around to bounce off the back of the eye and thus provide night vision. (As the zoologist in me comes out with a vengeance...)

"Queen/female" and "tom/male" will be used throughout the story instead of "woman" and "man" due to what they are, yes. As for things like "tabby", "Bombay", "(enter breed here)", etc., I'm still trying to find a good balance. If it continues to feel weird in future chapters, let me know again and I'll go back through and see if I can't adjust it comfortably.

Thank you for your review!

[plalligator]

Thank you. It certainly says something about the depth of your worldbuilding that I've yet to come up with a question that stumps you. :)

All of that makes sense. The queen and tom thing works, the more I think about it.
The balance of name v. adjective is a delicate thing. I usually go with just given names, but that can get repetitive. And everyone has a different view on it--some people don't even notice, probably.

[wingeddreamer9]

I look forward to the day when you DO manage to stump me, and I definitely encourage you to keep trying. ^__^