Taboo: Chapter 1: Rite of Passage (Part 3)

[wingeddreamer9]

Title: Taboo
Author: wingeddreamer9
Rating: PG for now, probably R later for sexual content and possible violence
Word Count: 10,583 for whole chapter, 5,953 for this part
Warnings/Spoilers: Slash, fem-slash, mentions of sex, possibly mentions of violence, pesky gods who like to stick their noses where they don't belong

Story Summary: In a world where

Comments

Feedback

[loveispudding]

Sorry would have done this earlier but I've been on the road for a while.I'll start off with Cons than move on to Pros (though I'm sure I don't have a lot of cons).

The story is really creative and I like how descriptive you are without going overboard. In the beginning though I was confused on whether or not the cats walked on four legs or two and it was that way until after Maye had her head on Ash's shoulder. It would be best if you clarified that pretty early on.

"But where are they going? Who's taking them? Who could possibly want so may young male slaves."
When I first read that I was confused, because the character seemed to be jumping the gun with the whole slaves thing. I think that you should bring up the slavers thing earlier in the story or extend the conversation that they have so it doesn't feel so out of the blue for her to say that.

His mother smirked. "Maye was wanted answers, did she?"
I think this is a typo or it feels like a typo with how it's worded.

I'm enjoying your story though, it's strange but not in a bad way. I like the picture you paint of the world and the backstory that you give of it. I think the end of this chapter is alright and just feels a little rushed but not too much so it's like WTF. Can't wait for your next update :3

Re: Feedback

[wingeddreamer9]

1) I will go back and reread the beginning. I thought I had made it clear that my characters walked on two legs rather than four without needing to beat my readers with a bat, but that might have just been me not getting down the entire image in my head properly. If I find places where I need to expand on it, I will.

2) I was afraid that conversation would come out rushed. It was added in after the scene was already complete, and I wasn't sure if it meshed well. I will most certainly go back and revise it.

3) Yup, that was a typo. Fixed now! Thanks!

4) *sigh* Yup, ending feels rushed. Grrr, stupid uncooperative muses. It will get fine-tuned once Ash decides he wants to stop being stupid. *glares at the tabby curled up in the back of her mind*

Thank you for your review!