How Quickly is Forever - Chapter Eleven
JPOV
“Bella!”
I hadn’t seen her since the morning of the burial. But there she was, lying on my bed, waiting for me as I came back from the meeting at my dad’s house with the elders.
She sat up and watched me come into the room. “Jacob.”
For all Bella’s talk of eternal youth, I’d never seen her look so old. Her hair was limp, and her eyes were dull, lifeless. Her grandiose dreams of forever over in half a decade’s time.
“How are you doing, honey?” I sat down beside her and put my arm around her, pulling her head down against my chest. She silently shook her head.
“Jacob,” she whispered. “He’s gone. He left.”
“Who? Who left?” I asked her gently.
“After we … after we put her in the - in the ground,” she stammered. “I went back to her room. I sat there for the longest time, by the window. I watched the sun come up, and I watched the sun go down. Two days later, when I came out, I went to look for Edward. I called, and I called …”
Bella was scaring me. Her voice was flat and lifeless, and she stared straight ahead at the wall.
“And then what, honey? Did you find him?”
She shook her head. “He was gone. They told me he was gone.” She grabbed my arm suddenly, clutching at me with crazed strength. “It’s my fault! They blame me! They blame me, Jacob!”
“Wait. What? Who blames you? For what?”
“The others - the Cullens. They blame me for Edward leaving. They don’t know where he’s gone. They don’t know if he’s coming back.” She turned to me, her eyes wild. “They all know, Jacob. They know about us. Alice told them. And - and I was going to tell him! I was! That’s why I was looking for him. I was going to confess. They don’t believe me, but I really was. I really was, Jacob!”
“Shh, shh.” I pushed her hair back from her face. “I believe you. I believe you.” I felt like I was trying to calm an animal.
“I can’t stay there. They don’t want me there. They hate me now!” Her voice was rising higher and higher with every word.
“Did they say that?” I couldn’t believe the Cullens would throw Bella out. She was one of them now. She couldn’t survive on her own.
“No, but I could feel it. They hate me. I killed my daughter, and now, because of me, their son and brother is gone!” she cried.
“So, Alice told Edward about us?”
“No.” She pulled back with a puzzled look on her face. “Alice said she never said a thing to Edward, and the only time she’d even seen him was at the burial. And that was the last thing on her mind that day.”
“So, wait,” I said, confused. “Edward knows or he doesn’t know?”
“Alice didn’t tell the others till after Edward left, so I don’t think he does know. I think he just can’t take Nessie being …” Her head dropped, and her shoulders sagged.
“I think if Edward knew, he would have said something to one of us.” I tried to put myself in Edward’s place and knew I’d have hunted him down and killed him if the shoe were on the other foot. And if he even thought that I had touched his wife, he would have killed me in my sleep before I knew what hit me, I was sure. He may have let Bella off the hook - he’d been doing that for years - but surely not me.
“Maybe he just needed to get away for a few days.” I smoothed her hair.
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t think so. I don’t think he’s ever coming back.”
“You don’t know that.” I tried to reassure her. “He’ll come back in a few days, you’ll tell him what happened, and he’ll forgive you. He always forgives you. And the Cullens will forget all about it. It’ll be okay, Bella.”
She looked at me. “What about you?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m going home.”
“But you are home,” she told me, her brows furrowed together.
“No. Back to La Push. I have no need to be here anymore, Bella.”
“But I need you here! You can’t leave! I can’t lose you now, too!” She threw her arms around me and buried her cool face in my neck. “Don’t you need to stay near?” she murmured. “Don’t you need to be near where your imprint is?”
“About that,” I said, unclasping her hands gently. She kept her eyes downcast, so I lifted her chin, forcing her to look at me. “I didn’t imprint.”
“What?” she said incredulously. “Of course you did. How can you say that?”
“Bella, think about it. Nessie was half vampire. My mortal enemy. I wasn’t like the others - I gave in way too easily; we all did - but I still told her no. And when she wanted me to … I mean, when she wanted our relationship to … change, I should have been unable to refuse her. I should have been unable to be with you, as well. I should never have been able to make love to you if I was imprinted on her.”
Bella was looking at me as if I’d just grown three heads, or I’d told her that little green men lived in my closet. “Then why …?”
“Because of you.” I choked, the tears taking me by surprise. “She was the last living part of my Bella.”
I tried to duck my head, embarrassed. But she forced it up, wiping away my tears with her fingers. “Jacob,” she whispered. “You were always too good. Much, much too good for me. I never deserved you. I am so sorry. For everything.”
Then it was my turn to bury my face in her neck and cry like a baby over the Bella I’d said goodbye to and lost so many times in my life.
At least when my mother died, it was over in the space of an instant, even if it hurt me for years. But that brown-eyed girl just kept coming back and leaving me over and over and over again.
XXXXXXXXXX
JPOV cont.
When I opened my eyes, the sun was weakly peeking through the clouds and semi-brightening my room. The bed was empty, but I smelled food cooking, so I got up and made my way to the kitchen.
“Good morning.” Bella looked up at me as she stood at the stove, scrambling some eggs in a pan. “You didn’t have any food, so I went to the store before it got light. I had a feeling if I started cooking, the smell would wake you up.”
I scratched the back of my head and looked at the time on the microwave. It was pretty early. “Thank you,” I told her as she set a plate of steaming eggs in front of me. “I’m starving.”
She leaned onto the counter and rested her face on her hands, watching me eat. I don’t know why, but it was making me nervous. I felt like I needed to reiterate where I stood.
“You can stay here when I leave if you want.”
She stood up, her expression faltering. She sighed heavily. “You’re really going?” she asked softly.
“Yes.” I nodded. “I need to start over. I’ve wasted - spent - a lot of time here.” I caught myself, hoping Bella wouldn’t notice. “My dad needs me. I need to get a job and help him out.”
“You know we’ll still help you out financially. We can send some money to your father.”
“No, Bella. It was one thing when I was living here and maintaining the cars and helping you with Ness, but I can’t take your money anymore.”
“You never took our money, Jake.”
“Well, you all made sure I had plenty of food, and your sister-in-law loved to supply me with new clothes. And I had a roof over my head.”
“But that was all,” she insisted. “It’s not like you ever accepted any money outright.”
“Look, I appreciate what all of you have done for me, but I need to make it on my own now. Luckily, I was able to get my GED online a few years ago - which you also paid for, thank you. And while I took a few courses, it wasn’t enough to get a degree. But I certainly have enough experience to get a job in a garage somewhere.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay and take more classes?”
I looked at her dubiously.
“At least until you get your degree? Then you can go back to La Push.”
I shook my head.
She looked down and traced the pattern on the counter intently. “When will you go?”
“Tomorrow, or the next day.”
She looked horrified. “That soon?”
“Yes.”
I ate the rest of my breakfast in silence.
XXXXXXXXXX
JPOV cont.
It was two nights later, and I planned to leave the next morning. If I didn’t go then, I knew I never would. And I had wasted too much time already. I felt like I was in the middle of a mad race to catch up on all the time I’d lost. I was twenty-one years old, and until a few weeks ago, still a virgin who had never had a job and had never been anywhere outside of the state of Washington.
“You’re leaving tomorrow morning, aren’t you?”
I was staring out the window, my arm wrapped around Bella, absently stroking her arm.
“Yes,” I told her.
“Can I stay here? Please Jacob, I can’t bear to go back to the big house where I’m not wanted, and the cottage holds too many memories.”
She’d spent the last two nights in my bed with me - I’d figured what was the harm? The damage had already been done. Although, if Edward had chosen to return during that time, there would be more drama to deal with.
“I really think you should stay at your own cottage. What if Edward comes back? How would it look if you were already moved in and living here? Don’t burn your bridges, Bella.”
I glanced down at her, and she looked as if she were about to cry, if it were possible. “Give it a month,” I told her gently. “If he’s still not back after a month, you can move in here. Okay?”
She nodded sullenly. “Will you come back?” Her voice was shaky.
“I’ll come back and check up on you, periodically.”
“Will you ever come back for good?” she whispered.
“No.” I couldn’t lie to her. I would never go back permanently again. Ever.
“Maybe someday …” She hesitated, looking down at the sheet covering her. “Maybe someday, you and I could … go away together somewhere?” She swallowed, keeping her head down.
“Bella,” I breathed. “Once Edward gets himself together, he’ll be back for you. You have a forever to fulfill with him.” I turned my head away, looking out the window again. “I’m not equipped for forever.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, sitting up abruptly. She grabbed my chin, forcing me to face her. “What do you mean you’re not equipped for forever? You are! You could be! What are you saying?”
“I just want to be normal - that’s all I ever wanted. I never had grandiose, romantic ideals about living forever like you did. Life has seasons, it changes, that’s how it was meant to be. This is unnatural - we’re unnatural, Bella! I need things to go back to normal. And I’m sorry, honey, but that can’t happen with you.”
Her hand dropped from my face, and she lay back down against the mattress, closing her eyes and hardening her expression.
“I’ll go back to my own cottage in the morning, then,” she murmured. “I’ll give it a month.” She turned on her side, her back to me, and shut her eyes. “But I know he’s not coming back.”
XXXXXXXXXX
A/N: Just FYI, there is only one more chapter. Next one is the Epilogue.
“Bella!”
I hadn’t seen her since the morning of the burial. But there she was, lying on my bed, waiting for me as I came back from the meeting at my dad’s house with the elders.
She sat up and watched me come into the room. “Jacob.”
For all Bella’s talk of eternal youth, I’d never seen her look so old. Her hair was limp, and her eyes were dull, lifeless. Her grandiose dreams of forever over in half a decade’s time.
“How are you doing, honey?” I sat down beside her and put my arm around her, pulling her head down against my chest. She silently shook her head.
“Jacob,” she whispered. “He’s gone. He left.”
“Who? Who left?” I asked her gently.
“After we … after we put her in the - in the ground,” she stammered. “I went back to her room. I sat there for the longest time, by the window. I watched the sun come up, and I watched the sun go down. Two days later, when I came out, I went to look for Edward. I called, and I called …”
Bella was scaring me. Her voice was flat and lifeless, and she stared straight ahead at the wall.
“And then what, honey? Did you find him?”
She shook her head. “He was gone. They told me he was gone.” She grabbed my arm suddenly, clutching at me with crazed strength. “It’s my fault! They blame me! They blame me, Jacob!”
“Wait. What? Who blames you? For what?”
“The others - the Cullens. They blame me for Edward leaving. They don’t know where he’s gone. They don’t know if he’s coming back.” She turned to me, her eyes wild. “They all know, Jacob. They know about us. Alice told them. And - and I was going to tell him! I was! That’s why I was looking for him. I was going to confess. They don’t believe me, but I really was. I really was, Jacob!”
“Shh, shh.” I pushed her hair back from her face. “I believe you. I believe you.” I felt like I was trying to calm an animal.
“I can’t stay there. They don’t want me there. They hate me now!” Her voice was rising higher and higher with every word.
“Did they say that?” I couldn’t believe the Cullens would throw Bella out. She was one of them now. She couldn’t survive on her own.
“No, but I could feel it. They hate me. I killed my daughter, and now, because of me, their son and brother is gone!” she cried.
“So, Alice told Edward about us?”
“No.” She pulled back with a puzzled look on her face. “Alice said she never said a thing to Edward, and the only time she’d even seen him was at the burial. And that was the last thing on her mind that day.”
“So, wait,” I said, confused. “Edward knows or he doesn’t know?”
“Alice didn’t tell the others till after Edward left, so I don’t think he does know. I think he just can’t take Nessie being …” Her head dropped, and her shoulders sagged.
“I think if Edward knew, he would have said something to one of us.” I tried to put myself in Edward’s place and knew I’d have hunted him down and killed him if the shoe were on the other foot. And if he even thought that I had touched his wife, he would have killed me in my sleep before I knew what hit me, I was sure. He may have let Bella off the hook - he’d been doing that for years - but surely not me.
“Maybe he just needed to get away for a few days.” I smoothed her hair.
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t think so. I don’t think he’s ever coming back.”
“You don’t know that.” I tried to reassure her. “He’ll come back in a few days, you’ll tell him what happened, and he’ll forgive you. He always forgives you. And the Cullens will forget all about it. It’ll be okay, Bella.”
She looked at me. “What about you?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m going home.”
“But you are home,” she told me, her brows furrowed together.
“No. Back to La Push. I have no need to be here anymore, Bella.”
“But I need you here! You can’t leave! I can’t lose you now, too!” She threw her arms around me and buried her cool face in my neck. “Don’t you need to stay near?” she murmured. “Don’t you need to be near where your imprint is?”
“About that,” I said, unclasping her hands gently. She kept her eyes downcast, so I lifted her chin, forcing her to look at me. “I didn’t imprint.”
“What?” she said incredulously. “Of course you did. How can you say that?”
“Bella, think about it. Nessie was half vampire. My mortal enemy. I wasn’t like the others - I gave in way too easily; we all did - but I still told her no. And when she wanted me to … I mean, when she wanted our relationship to … change, I should have been unable to refuse her. I should have been unable to be with you, as well. I should never have been able to make love to you if I was imprinted on her.”
Bella was looking at me as if I’d just grown three heads, or I’d told her that little green men lived in my closet. “Then why …?”
“Because of you.” I choked, the tears taking me by surprise. “She was the last living part of my Bella.”
I tried to duck my head, embarrassed. But she forced it up, wiping away my tears with her fingers. “Jacob,” she whispered. “You were always too good. Much, much too good for me. I never deserved you. I am so sorry. For everything.”
Then it was my turn to bury my face in her neck and cry like a baby over the Bella I’d said goodbye to and lost so many times in my life.
At least when my mother died, it was over in the space of an instant, even if it hurt me for years. But that brown-eyed girl just kept coming back and leaving me over and over and over again.
XXXXXXXXXX
JPOV cont.
When I opened my eyes, the sun was weakly peeking through the clouds and semi-brightening my room. The bed was empty, but I smelled food cooking, so I got up and made my way to the kitchen.
“Good morning.” Bella looked up at me as she stood at the stove, scrambling some eggs in a pan. “You didn’t have any food, so I went to the store before it got light. I had a feeling if I started cooking, the smell would wake you up.”
I scratched the back of my head and looked at the time on the microwave. It was pretty early. “Thank you,” I told her as she set a plate of steaming eggs in front of me. “I’m starving.”
She leaned onto the counter and rested her face on her hands, watching me eat. I don’t know why, but it was making me nervous. I felt like I needed to reiterate where I stood.
“You can stay here when I leave if you want.”
She stood up, her expression faltering. She sighed heavily. “You’re really going?” she asked softly.
“Yes.” I nodded. “I need to start over. I’ve wasted - spent - a lot of time here.” I caught myself, hoping Bella wouldn’t notice. “My dad needs me. I need to get a job and help him out.”
“You know we’ll still help you out financially. We can send some money to your father.”
“No, Bella. It was one thing when I was living here and maintaining the cars and helping you with Ness, but I can’t take your money anymore.”
“You never took our money, Jake.”
“Well, you all made sure I had plenty of food, and your sister-in-law loved to supply me with new clothes. And I had a roof over my head.”
“But that was all,” she insisted. “It’s not like you ever accepted any money outright.”
“Look, I appreciate what all of you have done for me, but I need to make it on my own now. Luckily, I was able to get my GED online a few years ago - which you also paid for, thank you. And while I took a few courses, it wasn’t enough to get a degree. But I certainly have enough experience to get a job in a garage somewhere.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay and take more classes?”
I looked at her dubiously.
“At least until you get your degree? Then you can go back to La Push.”
I shook my head.
She looked down and traced the pattern on the counter intently. “When will you go?”
“Tomorrow, or the next day.”
She looked horrified. “That soon?”
“Yes.”
I ate the rest of my breakfast in silence.
XXXXXXXXXX
JPOV cont.
It was two nights later, and I planned to leave the next morning. If I didn’t go then, I knew I never would. And I had wasted too much time already. I felt like I was in the middle of a mad race to catch up on all the time I’d lost. I was twenty-one years old, and until a few weeks ago, still a virgin who had never had a job and had never been anywhere outside of the state of Washington.
“You’re leaving tomorrow morning, aren’t you?”
I was staring out the window, my arm wrapped around Bella, absently stroking her arm.
“Yes,” I told her.
“Can I stay here? Please Jacob, I can’t bear to go back to the big house where I’m not wanted, and the cottage holds too many memories.”
She’d spent the last two nights in my bed with me - I’d figured what was the harm? The damage had already been done. Although, if Edward had chosen to return during that time, there would be more drama to deal with.
“I really think you should stay at your own cottage. What if Edward comes back? How would it look if you were already moved in and living here? Don’t burn your bridges, Bella.”
I glanced down at her, and she looked as if she were about to cry, if it were possible. “Give it a month,” I told her gently. “If he’s still not back after a month, you can move in here. Okay?”
She nodded sullenly. “Will you come back?” Her voice was shaky.
“I’ll come back and check up on you, periodically.”
“Will you ever come back for good?” she whispered.
“No.” I couldn’t lie to her. I would never go back permanently again. Ever.
“Maybe someday …” She hesitated, looking down at the sheet covering her. “Maybe someday, you and I could … go away together somewhere?” She swallowed, keeping her head down.
“Bella,” I breathed. “Once Edward gets himself together, he’ll be back for you. You have a forever to fulfill with him.” I turned my head away, looking out the window again. “I’m not equipped for forever.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, sitting up abruptly. She grabbed my chin, forcing me to face her. “What do you mean you’re not equipped for forever? You are! You could be! What are you saying?”
“I just want to be normal - that’s all I ever wanted. I never had grandiose, romantic ideals about living forever like you did. Life has seasons, it changes, that’s how it was meant to be. This is unnatural - we’re unnatural, Bella! I need things to go back to normal. And I’m sorry, honey, but that can’t happen with you.”
Her hand dropped from my face, and she lay back down against the mattress, closing her eyes and hardening her expression.
“I’ll go back to my own cottage in the morning, then,” she murmured. “I’ll give it a month.” She turned on her side, her back to me, and shut her eyes. “But I know he’s not coming back.”
XXXXXXXXXX
A/N: Just FYI, there is only one more chapter. Next one is the Epilogue.