How Quickly is Forever - Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
JPOV
I’d hardly slept for the second night in a row, when my phone went off, waking me up. I glanced at the time and figured two hours sleep was better than none.
Meet me at the bottom of the ravine in ten minutes.
It was a text from Bella. I rubbed my face, ran my hand through my hair, and staggered to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
By the time I got to the ravine, I was a few minutes late, and Bella was there waiting for me. She looked like hell. Her hair was unkempt, eyes almost black from not feeding in a few days, and her clothes were wrinkled. I walked up to her and pulled her into a tight hug. She clung to me for a long time before she finally pulled away.
“There’s going to be a burial in the woods, just beyond the house.” Her voice broke, and she kept brushing her cheek with her fingers, wiping away phantom tears.
“When?” I asked her gently.
“At ten o’clock. I wanted to tell you now so you’d have time to get ready.”
I nodded absently, thinking. It was all happening so fast.
“How will you keep Edward out of your head?” she asked me.
“Easy,” I told her, making a quick decision. “I’m not going.”
“You’re not going,” she repeated dully.
“No. I’ll have my own little ceremony. I don’t think I can watch … be a part of a bloodsucker burial, when Nessie and I weren’t one of you. I’ll say goodbye alone, and in my own way.”
Bella nodded, understanding. “I’d rather go to yours.”
“Well, you can’t,” I told her. I had so much guilt and confusion coursing through me. I felt I had to have this just for Nessie and me. Say goodbye to her privately.
I saw a quick flash of hurt in her eyes, but I could tell she understood. “I know.”
She reached out and touched my shoulder. “Do you think Edward knows?”
I honestly had no idea. “I don’t know, Bella. That night … I don’t even know what was going through my head that night. He hasn’t said anything?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.” She kissed me softly. “I love you. Don’t cry,” she whispered before she turned and made her way back home.
I hadn’t even realized I was, until I touched my face and it came away wet.
“I love you, too,” I murmured.
I shuffled my feet across the small rocks and brambles as I started back to my house.
My house.
Huh, I had no more reason to continue living there now. I had been questioning my need to stay there even before all this shit started.
Was it true what Sam had told me? That I really hadn’t imprinted? I had just wasted five years of my life, living with these fucking bloodsuckers.
Fuck!
I kicked a large rock and watched it sail high up in the air, hitting the uppermost boughs of a pine tree.
No.
It hadn’t been wasted. I’d really felt an honest connection to Nessie. Whatever you wanted to call it - an imprint or just some weird bonding pull to the last remaining living piece of the girl I loved. It was real, and I cared for that little girl, and shared something special with her.
But I never could have dated her, married her or mated with her - whatever the hell imprinting entailed. What I felt for her wasn’t like that. And I knew it never would have been. I was clear on that now. I had been waiting for that feeling to kick in, and it just wasn’t ever going to happen.
I needed to make some phone calls. Tell my father what had happened. I wasn’t sure I was ready to tell him what led up to this fucked-up mess - about Bella and me, but I knew he’d at least have some ideas how I could say my goodbyes to Nessie.
Then, once I had a few days to wrap my head around all this, I would call Sam and Quil and hear them out. Figure out what was what.
My feet had never felt so heavy as I dragged myself home.
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JPOV cont.
I felt like I’d just stepped into the Twilight Zone. I stood beside my father’s kitchen table with Sam, Quil, Sue Clearwater, Old Quil, and my dad. Quil sat in a metal fold-up chair, because there weren’t enough seats for all of us at the table. I chose to stand, leaning against the cupboards.
Six days had passed since the tragedy with Nessie, and I could hardly drag my sorry ass out of bed to get here. I felt like shit, and I knew I didn’t look much better. I forced myself to shower that morning so at least I wouldn’t offend anyone with the stink of vampires and B.O.
Sam was running the show, and he never was one to beat around the bush. After bluntly stating - again - that he was sure I hadn’t imprinted, I challenged him to prove it to me.
“I’d always had my doubts,” he stated.
“You said that, Sam. Why?” I asked for what felt like the hundredth time.
“For one thing, I find it highly illogical that a wolf would imprint on something that had vampire blood coursing through its veins.”
A murmur spread around the table as all the elders’ eyes met and they nodded their agreement.
“We don’t know that much about imprinting,” I argued, grasping at straws.
“You’re right, we don’t,” Sam agreed. “But we do know that imprinting means being whatever that person needs of you: a friend, a brother, parent, mentor, teacher …” He paused. “A lover,” he added.
“But maybe it was a brother or mentor that Nessie wanted from me,” I protested.
“That’s not what you told Quil two weeks ago, Jacob,” Sam reminded me.
I glared at Quil, and he looked down.
“Why are you telling me this now?” I cried. “Why didn’t you say something before?”
“Jacob, I saw you that night - the night you believed you’d imprinted. You were shaken up. Your world had exploded … you were not in a good state. You’d left your home, your father, and your pack. All to protect the girl you loved. The girl you’d just witnessed die a horrible, brutal, bloody death. Of course you were overcome with strong emotions.”
I back-kicked the wooden cabinets I was leaning against, and my father gave me a dirty look.
“I was sixteen fucking years old! Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t believe it?” I hollered at Sam.
“Because you did,” he said quietly. “You believed it. And anything strong enough to make you choose to stay with the Cullens and protect that baby … well, I knew it was pretty strong, whatever it was.”
“But you don’t believe it was Nessie? That it was an imprint?”
“No.” Sam shook his head. “I think it was Bella. I mean, I guess it was partly the child, but I think you saw her as your last connection to Bella. And something in you latched onto it. Latched onto it pretty damn strongly - or maybe I should say pretty damn stubbornly.”
I was dumbfounded. Everything he said made perfect sense. Now, in retrospect. And he was right - if he had said this to me before, I probably would have punched him. I would have fought tooth and nail to have a legitimate reason to hold onto that last remaining piece of my Bella.
“I’m not saying your feelings for Nessie weren’t real, Jacob. But they weren’t an imprint.”
So that was it. I felt like the biggest fool. A sad, guilt-ridden, miserable fool.
“So,” I said, speaking slowly, trying to wrap my head around it. “You’re saying that somehow my subconscious, or whatever … transferred my feelings for Bella onto her daughter.”
“Yeah,” Sam nodded. “Yeah, that’s a pretty good analogy of exactly what I think happened.”
“Fuck.” I shut my eyes and my shoulders sagged.
“I’m sorry, Jacob.”
“Don’t be.” I sighed. “I don’t really regret it. And it was only five years. I still have time to get a life, right?”
They all looked at me with pity in their eyes and nodded their heads.
“You gonna be okay?” Sam asked me, already getting up from the table. His work was done here, and he had to run home and get back to Emily. Imprinting really was pathetic.
“Sure, sure,” I told him reaching out and shaking his hand.
The others followed Sam’s lead and began to get up, shuffling to the door.
I still hadn’t told my father about what had transpired, leading up to all this. Unless bigmouth Quil had told him, that was my next item on the agenda.
My dad watched them all get into their cars before he closed the front door and wheeled over to me, sitting on the sofa.
“So,” I asked him as he approached, “you want a roommate?”
I think it was the first honest smile I’d seen from my dad in the last five years. “I would love to have you move back here, son.”
I maneuvered myself against the cheap, flat cushions, trying to get comfortable. “Do you want to know what happened?”
My father leaned back in his chair. “Only if you want to tell me.”
“Not really,” I admitted. “But you should probably know.”
He watched me, waiting patiently for me to begin.
“You know my life has been a clusterfuck since all this began,” I said softly.
“I know it hasn’t been easy, Jacob. I know.”
“I mean all of it,” I told him. “Mom dying, Rachel and Rebecca leaving, you getting sick.” I paused. Those things seemed like a lifetime ago. Things had been rough for a long time. “And then I thought things were going to pick up - I thought they were going to get good. Really good.”
“You mean when Bella came back.”
“Yeah. I was really happy for that brief window of time.”
“I know.” He reached out and patted my hand.
“That only lasted for all of what, two months?” I asked him. “And then I phased, and even that was okay for a while. But then that son-of-a-bitch bloodsucker came back, and nothing …” I had to stop as the old memories hit me like a ton of bricks. My life hadn’t been the same from that moment on. I thought I had gotten past all that. I didn’t realize those old festering wounds could still hurt me.
“I know, son. I know.”
I took a deep breath and got myself back together. I looked my dad straight in the eye and just blurted it out. “I slept with Bella.”
My father’s face contorted into a myriad of emotions -- confusion, realization, and then horror. If it hadn’t been such a serious revelation, I would have laughed.
“You mean … before? Or … wait. When?”
“Recently. Now.” I confirmed.
“You can do that?” His voice rose two octaves in shock, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “Apparently.”
His expression sobered as the light bulb went off. “So that’s what this is all about.”
“That’s what this is all about.” I nodded.
“The girl found out.”
“She heard us talking and saw us kiss. I’m pretty sure that’s what she saw.”
“And that’s why she cut her wrists.”
I cringed to hear it said outright. “Yeah,” I told him weakly.
My father’s eyes grew wide. “What do the others say? The Cullens. What did Edward do?”
“I don’t think anyone knows. And Edward hasn’t said anything.”
“But I thought he could read minds?” he asked me.
“He can, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking that night. And that’s the only time he’s seen me since it started. If he knows …” I shrugged. “He hasn’t said anything.”
“I think Edward would have something to say about you sleeping with his wife, Jacob.” It was the first side-eyed look of disapproval my father had given me all day.
“No, I agree. But it wasn’t your normal kind of circumstances, Dad. I don’t know.”
All things considered, my dad took it pretty well. I knew he didn’t approve, but my life was not like a normal person.
“I had another question …” I had to pause as my eyes embarrassingly welled with tears, and I couldn’t go on. He waited while I pulled myself together so I could continue. My next words came out stilted and thick with emotion.
“How do I say goodbye, Dad? The Cullens, they had a burial for her, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go and share that with them. But I don’t know how to say goodbye properly, the way she deserved.”
He studied me and thought for a while before he answered. “Well, in the old days, we burned the body and buried the ashes with something important to the deceased and something of value to ensure they were accepted in a place of honor on the other side. But I think what’s most important for you, and for Renesmee, is that you feel forgiven. That you feel some closure from this.” He reached out and touched my knee. “And only you can figure out how to do that, son. You have to forgive yourself.”
I wiped my eyes. “I don’t know that I could ever do that. I don’t think I can forgive myself.”
“Well, I can. And if your friends and family who love you can, then her spirit with its newfound wisdom and enlightenment can. Trust me. The hardest part will be forgiving yourself.”
I nodded, not believing that I could ever do that.
“You have carried the heaviest burden of anyone I know, Jacob. You’ve been given a rough hand in this life. And you’ve done nothing but play that hand with dignity and responsibility.”
“Oh, please!” I protested. “I’ve done my share of complaining.”
“Yes, you have,” he acknowledged with a warm, knowing smile. “But you shouldered it and did what needed to be done. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, Jake. Keep in mind your age, and the fact that being a warrior and protecting his people is hard enough, but to live among your very enemies and put aside your most primal instincts is not something that just anyone could do.”
I didn’t say anything, but the look on my face must have been doubtful.
“Hey.” My father nudged my knee with his own. “Could you imagine if Paul had been in your place? Or Leah?”
“Huh, yeah. The vampires would all be dead, and I wouldn’t be in the predicament I’m in now.”
“Smart-ass. That’s true, but consider that their decision would have been the easy one. You took the honorable route, the road less traveled.”
“Oh geez. Okay, now you’re gonna get all philosophical on me,” I joked.
“Just wait till you move back in,” he teased. “I have all kinds of wisdom to share that I’ve accumulated since you’ve been gone.”
“Great. Okay.” I ran my hand through my hair and stood up. “So I’ll see you soon.”
I bent over and gave him a hug. “And thanks,” I whispered in his ear.
“Anytime, son.”
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