How Quickly is Forever - Chapter Nine
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Warning: This chapter contains scenes that some people may find disturbing or offensive.
Chapter Nine
JPOV
I’d no sooner left Bella at the garage and started toward my place, when my cell went off.
It was Quil. He just wasn’t going to be happy until he’d made me feel like a complete dick.
Dammit!
“Yeah, Quil. What do you want? I’m not really in the mood to chat.”
“Jake? This is Sam.”
Sam? Damn, I hadn’t spoken to him in years.
“Sam? Why is Quil’s name coming up on my phone?”
“Quil called me a while ago, so I came out to talk to him, and he asked me to call you. It’s kind of tough carrying your phone on you when you’ve phased,” he explained. “So, I’m calling on Quil’s cell.”
“Oh.” What the hell was this all about? “So, uh, how you doing, Sam?”
“I’m good, Jake. But I’m going to get right to the point. Quil tells me that you slept with Bella.”
Shit!
That damn big mouth! What the hell was he running to Sam and telling him for?
“Yeah, so?” I felt my jaw clench.
“Jacob, I’m not calling you to shame you or pass judgment on you. So relax. I’m calling because I’m confused.”
“Confused? About what?” Now he had me confused.
“Do you still love Bella?”
I felt the muscles in my jaw twitch with irritation. He didn’t call to judge me, huh? Well, what the hell business was it of his if I was or not? He knew how I’d felt about Bella.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. I do. I love Bella. I always have, and I always will.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and for a second, I wondered if he’d hung up on me.
“Sam?”
“Jake, when you got home from La Push tonight, did you go right to Nessie, to see her?”
What the …
“No.” I’d be damned if I’d tell him what I did do -- that Bella was waiting for me in the garage, and we’d made love in the back of Emmett’s Icon. Put a pretty good dent in it, too. I’d have to fix that before he noticed.
“What did you do?”
Dammit!
“Look.” I sighed. “What does it matter? What’s with all the nosy questions about my sex life? I mean, is Quil getting so hard up waiting for Claire, he’s pissed I didn’t give him details, or what?”
“Jacob, I don’t think you imprinted.”
I halted in my tracks and almost choked. “What? What did you say?”
“There is no way in hell that I could even think of having sex with someone other than Emily, and -“
“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” I cut him off. “But Em is a little bit older than Claire and Ness.”
“I understand that, Jacob. But the fact remains, you wouldn’t even be able to look at Bella that way. You wouldn’t be able to look at any other female that way. Regardless of how old Renesmee is.”
“Well, just because Quil can’t get a hard-on any more, doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t.”
“Jacob. You couldn’t. I’m telling you. There’s not much we know about imprinting, but that is indisputable. I physically hurt if I haven’t seen Em in a few hours. Quil and Paul are the same way. What about you? If you’re away from Renesmee, is your only thought how and when you can be with her again?” He paused to let the question sink in. “You couldn’t sleep with Bella if you had imprinted on someone else.”
What was he saying?
“Well … then what … “ I didn’t even know what to say, what to ask. He was wrong. I sure as hell felt something when Bella died, and I came down those stairs and looked into Nessie’s eyes. Whatever it was almost knocked me on my ass. If that wasn’t an imprint, what the hell was it?
I was just about to attempt to string a legible sentence together when another call came in on my cell. It was Edward’s sister, Alice. I had all those leeches on my speed dial. What the hell did she want?
My head was reeling.
“Look, Sam. I’ve got another call. You’ve rendered me speechless here, and I just, I can’t right now. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Fine. But think about what I’ve said, Jacob.”
I shook my head and ended the call with Sam before reluctantly connecting to Alice.
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BPOV
I hollered at Edward to follow me as I flew out of the house per Alice’s instructions. He saw the panic on my face and heard the urgency in my voice and came without question.
There was absolute chaos when we got to the Cullens’.
I could hear Esme screaming somewhere upstairs before we’d even thrown the door open. We followed the sound all the way to Renesmee’s bedroom.
Emmett was standing outside her door like a sentinel, arms crossed and head down. He put out a hand on both Edward’s and my shoulders.
“Don’t go in there,” he told us.
As if he could have kept us out. Edward pushed him aside, and we both barreled into the room.
I wished we had stayed outside.
There was blood everywhere. To this day, all I can see is the blood. On the walls, on the bedding, soaked through the cream colored carpet.
In my peripheral vision, I saw Edward drop to his knees. I was unable to move, unable to speak. Esme ran to me and hugged me, but I couldn’t focus, and I pushed her away.
“What happened?” I had no recollection of saying the words, but it was my voice.
My unfocused eyes settled on Carlisle sitting beside her on the bed, his head down.
“Why aren’t you doing something? Do something!” I screamed. I flung myself toward him, but Esme caught me and held me back.
“I’m so sorry,” Carlisle whispered. “There’s nothing to do.”
“What do you mean there’s nothing to do? Edward!” He looked up me, dazedly. “Change her!” I yelled at him. “Change her now! Why are you just sitting there! Do it! Change her!”
I was absolutely hysterical as Edward slowly got to his feet and teetered slightly. I pushed him.
“Do it!” I screamed again, as if the force of my voice could snap him out of his stupor. “Change her!”
“No!”
We all froze and turned to the doorway as a new voice rang out. Jacob stood with his hands holding tight to the doorframe. The wood was starting to splinter under the force.
“Don’t touch her!” he ordered.
“Don’t listen to him, Edward! She’s our daughter! We can save her. Change her now, before it’s too late.”
“It’s already too late,” Carlisle said to me, shaking his head. “She’s been gone too long. I don’t believe that would work on her, anyway, Bella, she can’t be turned. There’s nothing that can be done now. It’s too late,” he repeated.
“I don’t care!” I cried. “Try anyway,” I pleaded with Edward.
He started to approach the bed when Jacob came into the room, blocking Edward’s way. He stared hard into Edward’s eyes.
“No.”
“But,” Edward sputtered. “I have to. I have to try.”
Jacob put his hands on Edward’s arms, and I could see his knuckles turning white. “Don’t touch her. It’s not what she wanted.”
When Edward didn’t respond, Jacob shoved him back, and Edward dazedly hit the wall. I tried to grab Jacob and stop him as he went toward Edward again. But instead of punching him as I feared, Jacob put his hands on Edward’s shoulders.
“Listen to my thoughts,” he commanded.
The two men stared each other down, and finally, Edward nodded. Jacob dropped his hands to his sides.
“What are you doing? Why are you just standing there?” I pleaded with Edward. I grabbed his shirt and yanked him back toward the bed.
He looked at me, bleary-eyed. “Jacob is right, Bella. It’s not what she wanted. And Carlisle believes that she can’t be changed. Besides, it’s too late.”
I was livid! These stupid, incompetent people were all just standing there doing nothing! I lunged toward the bed, ready to change her myself. I had the briefest moment of worry that I wouldn’t be able to stop as I’d never tasted anything remotely close to human blood. But, before I could throw myself at her, Jacob and Edward grabbed me, both of them pulling me back.
I snarled and hissed and clawed for dear life, but the two of them held firm, and I could not escape their grip. When my body finally collapsed with exhaustion and submission, they held me up between them. I could hear sobbing and wailing and was vaguely aware it was coming from me.
Edward held me firmly on one side, while I felt Jacob’s hot tears running down the other side of my face. I wished more than anything in that moment that I could cry along with him.
While the three of us held each other up and mourned, Carlisle murmured to us that he was going to take my daughter and clean her up. He promised not to take her out of the house.
I don’t remember any more of that night -- leaving the room, how I came to be in Edward’s old bed the next morning, or even if anyone told me what exactly happened. My mind shut down; it could take no more.
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BPOV cont.
I was vaguely aware of shadows and sunlight on the walls of Edward’s old room as they changed patterns and hues throughout the length of the next day. Occasionally, I saw people as they came in and went out of the room. A few times they spoke to me, but all I heard was a dull buzz as they opened their mouths and said things to me that I wasn’t ready to hear. Eventually, they would give up and leave.
Esme came in at one point in the day when the whole north wall was awash in bright, warm sunshine. When I didn’t respond to whatever it was she said, she just lay beside me, her arms around me and held me quietly. The only person who didn’t come to the room that first day was Edward.
When the room was finally drenched in darkness the next night, I ventured down the hallway to the room where Renesmee had been found. All the bedding had been pulled and changed, and the cream carpet pulled up. The walls looked wet and freshly scrubbed, and the strong smell of bleach filled the room.
“She’s in my room that I never use.”
Jacob.
I didn’t respond, just stood staring at the empty bed.
“Bella,” he said, his husky voice low. “When I came in to help Carlisle and Emmett clean up in here, when I pulled up the carpeting near the bed, I found this.”
He walked over to me and held out a small, ripped piece of yellow binder paper.
“I don’t think anyone else noticed it.”
My eyes focused on the writing done in blue pen.
I saw.
My throat constricted, and in that moment, I knew. I had single-handedly killed my daughter.
“God, what did I expect? It’s Edward’s and my fault.” I choked. “How would she know how to handle her problems, having the two of us as parents?”
“What are you talking about?” He sounded surprised. “I thought this was our fault - you and me. She must have heard our conversation last night and seen me kiss you goodbye. How can you blame Edward?”
“Don’t you see?” I said, finally turning to look at him. “Her mother valued life so much, she couldn’t wait to throw her mortality away. I begged her father to kill me - so I could be with him forever. When he left me, I threw myself off a cliff just to show him. And what did he do the minute he thought I was dead? He ran straight to Italy to talk the Volturi into killing him. What a wonderful set of role models we are. When things don’t go the way you want them to, simply kill yourself. Find a sharp serrated knife and slice open your wrists -” My legs gave out underneath me, and Jacob grabbed me around the waist, holding me up.
“Bella,” he murmured, unable to dispute what I’d just said. He stifled a sob, fighting tears again.
A thought flashed through my mind, and my throat tightened when I sucked in a breath to speak. “You’re not going to die, are you?” I’d barely gotten enough air to speak, so it came out in a choked whisper.
“What? Me? Why would you ask that?”
“I mean the imprint. What will happen to you?” I was practically panting with fear.
“Bella, I feel awful, I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. But I’m not going to die, honey.”
“I couldn’t bear to lose both of you.” I turned and buried my face in his chest.
Jacob was my rock. I’d always relied on his strength to get me through every danger and tragedy I’d ever dealt with. The only piece of humanity that remained in my unnatural life.
I blanked out again, and when I opened my eyes, I was back in Edward’s old bedroom. There was someone lying beside me, spooning me.
Edward.
When I rolled over and peered into his eyes in the darkness, his anguish and despair physically hurt me. I could hardly stand up under my own, but his added to mine was sure to break me. We didn’t speak; I just rolled back onto my side and lay beside him in the dark.
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JPOV
I hadn’t been able to sleep that whole first night -- just tossed and turned, the guilt eating away at me. I kept telling myself I shouldn’t feel guilty. But then that voice in my head would laugh, and go through the list of reasons why I should.
Yes, what I was doing with Bella was wrong - it was dishonest, selfish and kind of against nature, in a way. But my relationship with Bella had nothing to do with Nessie. I’d never promised anyone that I would marry Ness or that one day I’d make love to her. We’d all just assumed. And for some crazy reason that made me feel like a failure. Wasn’t I supposed to want to be with her romantically some day? What was wrong with me? I was so fucked-up I couldn’t even imprint right.
Or was what Sam said true? I hadn’t really imprinted at all.
I ran my hand through my hair, sighing so loudly it bordered on a groan.
Yes, I shouldn’t be in love with her mother, and making love with her was adulterous. But those facts had nothing to do with a little girl and my protecting her!
Did it?
I punched the mattress in frustration. Why didn’t this shit come with a manual? Fuck!
Last night was right up there with Bella’s death as one of the worst nights of my life. First, the call from Sam and then Alice. The first call completely obliterated everything I thought was real the past five years of my life.
After staring at the ceiling in anguish for hours, it was still dark outside when I decided to get up and help the Cullens with cleaning everything up. I didn’t want Bella to ever lay eyes on what she’d encountered in that room the night before, again. I also knew that none of this could be easy for them either; we’d all lost something precious.
The Cullens’ front door had been unlocked - most supernatural beings don’t find much protection behind locked doors; the things that want to get at us do not need keys. I slowly trudged up the stairs to Nessie’s room, mentally preparing myself all the way. The room still looked like something out of a horror movie, but it was empty. I couldn’t remember if she’d still been there when I left the night before or not. Carlisle had said something about taking her from the room, but I had been out of it.
I wandered down the hall looking for someone, anyone, when I heard a noise as I passed the bathroom. I slowly turned the knob and peered in. It was the grandmother, Esme. She had Nessie laid out in the tub, naked. Esme had a washrag, gently wiping away all the blood. I couldn’t move, just stood there, watching. Her poor little wrists were ripped open and gaping. I heard myself choke when I felt a hand on my shoulder as Carlisle came up behind me in the doorway.
“Why don’t you come help Emmett and me clean up the room, Jacob?”
I took a ragged and much needed breath as Esme finally noticed me standing in the doorway and gave me a weak smile.
“Sure, sure,” I murmured, shutting the door quietly.
“We want to get it cleared out in there before Bella and Edward … wake up,” Carlisle said.
Wake up? I thought vampires couldn’t sleep? It was more like a vampire stupor or somnambulistic trance, or a coma, even. I wondered how long it would last. I didn’t ask any questions, though, as I followed him back down the hallway.
That’s when I found it. The note that I’d shown to Bella. I was down on my hands and knees ripping up the carpet when I was just going to ask Emmett or the doctor to lift the bed for me. A piece of paper caught my eye. Just an innocent looking piece of yellow binder paper on the floor - it must have floated off the nightstand in all the craziness the night before.
I picked it up and read it, and almost vomited on the spot.
I saw.
And with no question, I knew exactly what it meant. There were so many different connotations it could have stood for - so many things she could have seen. But, I knew.
I quickly looked up; Carlisle was washing down the far wall and Emmett was tearing up the carpet at the opposite end of the room. I slipped the paper into my back pocket, and with a heavy heart, I kept working.
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