McKay and His Ass (Of the Four-Footed Kind)
Author:
soapbox_solo38
Title: McKay and His Ass (Of the Four-Footed Kind)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: McKay & His Ass
Summary: Someone burns down a university, gets bitten on multiple occasions, nearly dies a few times, and maybe learns his lesson.
Timeline: Actually a collection of pieces over time, but the 'present' is set after Enter Zelenka.
Author's Note: Enjoy. :) I had fun writing it, and I hope you like reading my first contribution to this lovely AU comm.
Moving West? (Six Years Ago)
He wore clothes that looked like they had been slept in for several days, he walked around the place as if he owned it but sniffed at the horse apples, and he had an arrogant smile pasted on his face.
The dealer felt like hating him instantly.
“Are you going West?” ‘Dr. Rodney McKay’ lifted an eyebrow, as though it should have been obvious. It wasn’t.
“Yes, yes. Now, I am in need of a mount. That one looks suitable.” The horse trader followed the smug glance, doubtful that the city man had picked an appropriate ride- not that there was one for a man like him in the corrals. With a snort, the 17+ hands, pitch black stallion shook his mane and attempted to woo a neighboring mare.
Smothering a laugh, the dealer looked back at McKay.
“That one’s… already claimed.” Claimed your death wish, Rodney.
“Oh. Really. Fine.”
“Going west with an experienced caravan?” Maybe I can find an actual horseman in the bunch to make sure you don’t get killed.
“Mm. No. A group of brilliant inventors, such as myself, are heading out West. More room to work.”
‘Less things to burn’.
“No one else?” They’ll be dead within a week.
“A guide who offered to take us from town to town until we found a place. He suggested we buy a horse or pack animal.”
“How long have you ridden?”
McKay blinked, a blank look on his face.
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me-
Then, watching him start to wander towards the ‘high-strung’ corral, the dealer had a flash of inspiration.
“You know, I have just the right four-footed animal for you, McKay-“ This one will teach you a lesson…
Draggin’ Hooves ‘n Heels (Five Years Ago)
“Oh, come on.” Rodney was tempted to throw his hands up in the air, but then he’d let go of the lead rope. He had learned the hard way that wasn’t a good idea.
Lucie gave him a look that clearly said, “Make me”, and refused to move.
The inventor pulled.
The donkey stayed.
“Look, the group’s leaving. Do you want to get left behind? Because I don’t want to.” And indeed the riders and two covered wagons were getting smaller; it had become almost routine for them to go on ahead and Rodney to catch up once they stopped for the night.
“I really don’t have time,” he whined to the fuzzy ears. “We’re so close to Atlantis-“ Realizing he was talking (again) to an animal, he scowled.
“Fine. You want to stay here? Stay here. Let the coyotes and wolves and- and things eat you up.” He let go of the rope.
Lucie began to amble towards the nearby strand of trees.
Watching her go, McKay felt a moment of triumph…
…and then he remembered that most of his tools and supplies were in the packs she was carrying.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me-“
As soon as he started after her, Lucie broke into a awkward canter. “You stupid donkey!”
Being not in the best physical shape, it took him a minute to catch her; by then they were well behind the tree line.
“I’m going to- to-“ Rodney panted, one hand firmly grasping the lead rope. She didn’t seem disturbed by the unfinished threats, simply rolling one brown eye back to look at him.
Wild cries and screams shattered the night. Both of them jumped; he grabbed for one of the bulging packs and cursed when she shied away.
“Stand still!” Lucie pinned her ears back but let him fumble open the bag. Pulling out a pair of binoculars, McKay lifted them up and focused on the caravan through the trees.
Bandits. Bandits were attacking the group, shooting and yelling as they plowed into the undefended travelers. A few struggled to reach their own weapons or to get their families into the wagons, and were shot in the arms of the screaming women. Light flared on the darkening field, and the wagons began to smoke as fire licked their sides.
It was over in less time than it took for his mind to comprehend the brutality of what he was seeing. The few wives traveling with their husbands were seized and bound, thrown on horseback and carried away as the others looted what was left.
And then there was nothing in the quiet evening but corpses and flames.
Shaking, with fear and terror and the painful realization that he might have been one among the dead, Rodney turned to the wide-eyed donkey.
“You saved my life.”
Hold Yer Horses (Four Years Ago)
The one thing McKay really should have learned in college was that he couldn’t hold his beer. At all. A drunk friend had guessed his alcohol tolerance level was nonexistent, and frankly? It was. Which was why Rodney should not have gotten into an intense round of poker with some thug-like strangers ‘passing through’, because when he woke up the next morning, slumped over the table in Kavanagh’s bar, he was missing his pants. However, upon stumbling outside, the inventor realized that wasn’t the only thing they were taking from him.
One gorilla was pulling Lucie’s lead rope while the other used an improvised whip to lash her hindquarters, all in a vain attempt to force the stubborn donkey into moving.
“What are you doing?!”
“Taking yer donkey, ‘cuz ye bet her last night. ‘N we won.” The man with a savage glint in his eye growled. Gaping, Rodney spun to find Kavanagh grinning with satisfaction through the door. It was just like the bar owner to let him get drunk enough to gamble away his clothing and ass. The four footed one, at least.
“You-you can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Because- because-“ Realizing that any protests on his part were useless and in vain, Rodney briefly considered trying to forcible stop them from taking Lucie. That option was quickly dismissed when he sized them up and found his own stature and fighting skills lacking.
Time for a different tactic.
“Okay. Fine. Take her off my hands, will you? I’ll be glad to see her go.” Putting on a satisfied expression, Rodney crossed his arms and leaned against the railing.
“Why?” Immediate suspicion sprung up in both of his foes’ faces.
“That donkey is nothing but a pain in the ass, if you’ll excuse my pun. Ornery, stubborn, hardheaded- I could go on and on. Oh, and I should tell you; she has a medical condition that requires special medicine that you can’t find in Miss Weir’s Mercantile. Has to be specially ordered.”
By now, the two were looking doubtful but also uneasy.
“Ah, yes, and her back’s weak enough that she can’t bear loads well; try riding her and you’ll snap her spine. She can handle about five pounds- not to mention the fact that she’s notoriously clumsy, and has an awful tendency to trip over thin air-“
“You can keep her.” The scruffiest one cut in urgently, edging away from Lucie like she had the plague.
“Yeah, yeah-“
And then they were gone. Rodney smiled triumphantly and walked over to his donkey, patting her on the neck. Jacob, who had watched the entire episode from the porch of the his old office, didn’t bother hiding his amusement.
“Nice bluff.”
“Thank you.”
“Could you put some pants on?”
Lasso? No, Lassie (Three Years Ago)
Done packing up his latest experiment, Rodney shoved it into a leather satchel and slung it carefully across Lucie’s back, making sure that it didn’t slam onto her spine.
“There. Let’s go.” Picking up her lead rope, he started the trip down to the base of the hill. Having negotiated the rocky, slippery slope himself with disastrous consequences, McKay let his donkey meander down in front of him. It had taken a few bad falls and her braying ‘laughter’ to convince him that the slowness was made up for by the lack of time spent in Carson’s care.
She shook her head as flies buzzed around, floppy ears slapping back and before. He grimaced as they left her and headed for him, waving them off in much the same manner. Summer was hot.
Halfway done, the donkey hesitated. Watching her carefully, Rodney memorized where she had stepped (not that difficult a task for someone with as bright a mind as his) and edged across the rock shelf.
Almost across, a single sound made his blood run cold.
Next to his ear, a rattlesnake shook it’s rattle in a deadly warning.
“Shit. Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic-“ McKay repeated to himself, trying to figure out what to do. If he moved, it would bite him. If he didn’t move, the shelf might give way under his weight.
Letting go of the lead rope, he very slowly, very cautiously started to move forward, not so much inching as millimetering. The only warning he had of danger was an ominous crack-
The path collapsed, giving under his foot. Rodney began to fall, head bashed against the rock face of the hill as the stones clattered down; his torso attempted to slide between the two edges and failed; his flailing hands caught onto a chunk just to his left. Gasping as the rest of his body came to abrupt stop and put the strain on his sides and arms, the inventor nearly fainted.
It was Lucie’s startled “hee-HAW, hee-HAW” that kept him from going out cold; that noise annoyed the hell out of him and he lifted a hand to wave at her, mumbling that she needed to shut up. As soon as he let go, he began to slide farther through the crack. Realizing through the haze what was happening, he clutched the edge for dear life.
PANIC mode: on.
“Oh God. Oh God. I’m going to die! That’s not fair! I don’t deserve to die! I haven’t even gotten my patent plans to the office yet-“
Then, hearing small rocks skittering along the path, he looked over to see the donkey staring at with, the whites of her eyes showing.
“Lucie. Lucie! Lucie, go get help.”
She stared, understandably, at him.
“It’s not that hard! Uh, go to the Mercantile. Someone will notice you. Okay? Okay. Go. Shoo. Shoo!”
Her hooves didn’t move an inch. McKay blinked, and then groaned.
“Who am I kidding? I really am going to die.” An idea struck his, much like his head had struck the hill. Taking a breath, he contorted his face and tried to brace his legs against the miniature cliff.
“BOO!”
Lucie, being not the most courageous critter west of the Mississippi, lunged backwards and took off, hightailing it out of there. She skittered around the bend and he listened, hoping to hear her make it to the gravel-like path that led to the town.
No such sound; no such luck.
Trying not to make his situation worse, and hoping that someone would realize that he hadn’t come back to town for his usual lunch at Vala’s café, he tilted his head back and froze when he saw the rattler slithering downwards.
“Oh come on-“
Luckily, though, the snake had had enough and continued on its way without disturbing the already frail mental condition Rodney was in. A minute later, he was all alone with the sun rising cheerfully in the sky to his left.
All.
Alone.
“God dammit.”
-
Eight long, painful hours later, he had propped himself so there was less strain on his arms, fainted two times and nearly fallen out of the precarious position once, and held at least five arguments with a hallucination of Samantha Carter on everything from planetary positions to how to mix the best alcoholic I-don’t-want-to-remember-this drink.
The sun was fading into the tree line when Rodney cracked one eye opened, wincing when the dried blood crusted over his eyelid pulled. He could swear that he heard voices calling his name-
But then, there was no way that Samantha Carter had ever heard of half the drinks she had talked to him about.
Right?
Then the crunch of booted feet on rock told him that no, it probably wasn’t a crazed product of his imagination.
“McKay!” It was Sheppard, the gunslinger, he remembered as he opened the other eye. “Good; you’re not dead.”
“You came looking for me.” Yes, he was surprised. It hadn’t seemed like anyone would miss him.
“Miss Carter wanted to talk to you about the repair you had done on the well, and when you didn’t show up, figured something was wrong. We split off into pairs to go look for you.” John crouched a safe distance away, studying the predicament McKay had gotten himself into.
“Oh. How’d you find me?”
At that moment Cameron Mitchell came around the hill’s curve, leading one very upset, cranky, and sore donkey.
“This one had gotten her lead rope stuck; we heard her braying at least a mile away.” Sheppard said, with no small amount of amusement. Rodney didn’t care, only relieved that they were going to get him out. As the other two men debated ways to lift him up, he watched Lucie’s white nose bob up and down, and swore that he would never, ever again threaten to turn her into glue.
Birds and Bees (Two Years Ago)
Preoccupied with the complaining donkey he was dragging through town, McKay crashed into Samantha Carter, who had been reading a book as she walked.
“Ack!” He grabbed her shoulder as she nearly went sprawling which almost sent both of them to the ground- until he clutched a handful of Lucie’s coarse, short mane.
She bit him.
“Ouch!
He let go.
After Samantha had finished laughing and had dusted herself off, Rodney mumbled an apology and glared at his ass. The four footed one.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Noticing his worried look that seemed to have nothing to do with knocking her over, she lifted an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”
“Lucie. She’s been acting funny lately. I’m afraid she’s sick.”
Samantha tilted her head, studying the usually gentle jenny with careful blue eyes. As she completed her scrutiny, McKay rubbed the other two bruises where his donkey had caught him off guard.
“Rodney, has she been eating more recently?”
“Yes, actually. How’d you know?” The past month Lucie had attacked the sparse grass and roughage around his house with a vengeance; he had chalked her abnormally large belly up to that.
“Rodney… she’s pregnant.”
“What?”
“You didn’t know?”
No, he hadn’t.
As he struggled to wrap his mind around the idea that he was about to have a little Lucie trotting around, Samantha patted the donkey’s neck affectionately and let the mother-to-be nibble on the book she was carrying.
“Let me guess: last year, around this time, you went to Denver and turned her out into the donkey corral, and came back a few hours later to head home.”
“Uh…oh.” And McKay gave Lucie a scandalized look. “You were making babies when I was trying to get enough to feed just the two of us?”
She swished her tail, and then got a distinctly pained look on her equine face.
“Is she- is she-“
“In labor? I think so.”
Gah. A new life was coming into the world, and it was going to be dependent on him.
Well, him and Lucie. But still-
“Miss Lam. Miss Lam! Where’s Miss Lam?” Carolyn was the town’s veterinarian of sorts, having helped her mother deliver animal babes many, many times.
“Up at the Charleson’s, helping with a hurt roping horse. Don’t worry; Lucie will be fine. We just need to get her some place safe and warm, and she’ll do the rest.”
And, as if irritated that her owner wasn’t following Miss Carter’s advice, the critter in question butted Rodney.
“Okay!”
Half an hour later, Rodney McKay stared at the bundle of legs and wet fur that lay on the straw, tiny nostrils sucking in its first breaths of air.
“One more mouth to feed…”
And Lucie, nudging her foal, seemed to laugh silently.
Where, Oh Where Can She Be? (One Year Ago)
Elizabeth Weir and Janet Frasier were sitting outside at a table at Vala’s café chatting about nothing in particular when Rodney rushed up, a look on his face he only got when one of his experiments was about to blow…
“Have you seen Lucie? She’s missing, I swear I tied her to the post this morning, but she’s gone now and I can’t find her anywhere!”
…or his donkey was gone.
Aware that he was rambling, McKay made a visible effort to quell his distress.
“She’s probably got Bell tagging along too; kind of hard to miss.”
The two women exchanged glances and shook their heads thoughtfully.
“I’m sorry, Rodney, I can’t say I’ve seen Lucie wandering on the loose anywhere.” The shopkeeper replied.
“Same here. She hasn’t gone far, though.” Janet added, hiding her amusement at his distress. He flapped his hands, for all the world a mother hen, and mumbled a thanks before rushing off down the street.
“Should we have told him that Hammond’s granddaughters took her for a ride around town?” Elizabeth asked her friend, smiling.
“Oh, he’ll find them soon enough. Besides, it’s good for him.”
“Worrying?”
“Trying to figure out how to get the girls off Lucie without forcibly removing them.”
And, spotting him accosting the two young children on donkey back, they sipped their drinks to avoid laughing out loud.
A Burden Halved Ain’t Any Lighter (Now)
Coming back from their trip to Denver, both McKay and Lucie were tired; one from haggling prices for his latest batch of whatchamacallits, and one from hauling all of said doodads back. As soon as they got within the ‘safe range’ of Atlantis where no Wraith dared to tread, Lucie halted.
A weary, exasperated look in his eyes, Rodney turned to look at her.
“We’re almost there, Lucie. Now’s no time to be stopping. And there is no way those bags are too heavy; I put all of them on you, remember? Just a few more minutes and we’ll be home.”
Very slowly, and very deliberately, the donkey sank to her knees in response.
“Oh, come on-“ He groaned, rubbing his eyes. The lack of sleep must be getting to him; he was trying to reason with an animal. McKay’s mind conveniently ignored the fact that he’d done it before.
“Look, would you rather that I brought Bell along and put all that crap on her? She’s only two, and while I have no idea how old you are (and you’re no spring chicken) that’s got to be less than I weigh.”
She twitched an ear and closed her eyes.
Knowing that it was useless to try and drag her into town, Rodney’s shoulders slumped and he sat down off the side of the road.
Five minutes later, having fought it out in the confines of his brain, he humbled himself and got up, accepting the inevitable solution with more grace than he would have six years ago.
“Okay. Let’s go home.”
And, lifting the heaviest pack from her back and slinging it over his shoulder, Rodney McKay and his ass of the four footed kind went home.
-
"So that’s about it- what’s wrong?” Jack followed the horse trader’s gaze out to the road. Atlantis’ resident inventor was coming in, red faced and sweating but not complaining as Lucie followed, ears swinging back and forth.
Oma smiled.
I guess he learned his lesson.
the end
soapbox_solo38
Title: McKay and His Ass (Of the Four-Footed Kind)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: McKay & His Ass
Summary: Someone burns down a university, gets bitten on multiple occasions, nearly dies a few times, and maybe learns his lesson.
Timeline: Actually a collection of pieces over time, but the 'present' is set after Enter Zelenka.
Author's Note: Enjoy. :) I had fun writing it, and I hope you like reading my first contribution to this lovely AU comm.
Moving West? (Six Years Ago)
He wore clothes that looked like they had been slept in for several days, he walked around the place as if he owned it but sniffed at the horse apples, and he had an arrogant smile pasted on his face.
The dealer felt like hating him instantly.
“Are you going West?” ‘Dr. Rodney McKay’ lifted an eyebrow, as though it should have been obvious. It wasn’t.
“Yes, yes. Now, I am in need of a mount. That one looks suitable.” The horse trader followed the smug glance, doubtful that the city man had picked an appropriate ride- not that there was one for a man like him in the corrals. With a snort, the 17+ hands, pitch black stallion shook his mane and attempted to woo a neighboring mare.
Smothering a laugh, the dealer looked back at McKay.
“That one’s… already claimed.” Claimed your death wish, Rodney.
“Oh. Really. Fine.”
“Going west with an experienced caravan?” Maybe I can find an actual horseman in the bunch to make sure you don’t get killed.
“Mm. No. A group of brilliant inventors, such as myself, are heading out West. More room to work.”
‘Less things to burn’.
“No one else?” They’ll be dead within a week.
“A guide who offered to take us from town to town until we found a place. He suggested we buy a horse or pack animal.”
“How long have you ridden?”
McKay blinked, a blank look on his face.
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me-
Then, watching him start to wander towards the ‘high-strung’ corral, the dealer had a flash of inspiration.
“You know, I have just the right four-footed animal for you, McKay-“ This one will teach you a lesson…
Draggin’ Hooves ‘n Heels (Five Years Ago)
“Oh, come on.” Rodney was tempted to throw his hands up in the air, but then he’d let go of the lead rope. He had learned the hard way that wasn’t a good idea.
Lucie gave him a look that clearly said, “Make me”, and refused to move.
The inventor pulled.
The donkey stayed.
“Look, the group’s leaving. Do you want to get left behind? Because I don’t want to.” And indeed the riders and two covered wagons were getting smaller; it had become almost routine for them to go on ahead and Rodney to catch up once they stopped for the night.
“I really don’t have time,” he whined to the fuzzy ears. “We’re so close to Atlantis-“ Realizing he was talking (again) to an animal, he scowled.
“Fine. You want to stay here? Stay here. Let the coyotes and wolves and- and things eat you up.” He let go of the rope.
Lucie began to amble towards the nearby strand of trees.
Watching her go, McKay felt a moment of triumph…
…and then he remembered that most of his tools and supplies were in the packs she was carrying.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me-“
As soon as he started after her, Lucie broke into a awkward canter. “You stupid donkey!”
Being not in the best physical shape, it took him a minute to catch her; by then they were well behind the tree line.
“I’m going to- to-“ Rodney panted, one hand firmly grasping the lead rope. She didn’t seem disturbed by the unfinished threats, simply rolling one brown eye back to look at him.
Wild cries and screams shattered the night. Both of them jumped; he grabbed for one of the bulging packs and cursed when she shied away.
“Stand still!” Lucie pinned her ears back but let him fumble open the bag. Pulling out a pair of binoculars, McKay lifted them up and focused on the caravan through the trees.
Bandits. Bandits were attacking the group, shooting and yelling as they plowed into the undefended travelers. A few struggled to reach their own weapons or to get their families into the wagons, and were shot in the arms of the screaming women. Light flared on the darkening field, and the wagons began to smoke as fire licked their sides.
It was over in less time than it took for his mind to comprehend the brutality of what he was seeing. The few wives traveling with their husbands were seized and bound, thrown on horseback and carried away as the others looted what was left.
And then there was nothing in the quiet evening but corpses and flames.
Shaking, with fear and terror and the painful realization that he might have been one among the dead, Rodney turned to the wide-eyed donkey.
“You saved my life.”
Hold Yer Horses (Four Years Ago)
The one thing McKay really should have learned in college was that he couldn’t hold his beer. At all. A drunk friend had guessed his alcohol tolerance level was nonexistent, and frankly? It was. Which was why Rodney should not have gotten into an intense round of poker with some thug-like strangers ‘passing through’, because when he woke up the next morning, slumped over the table in Kavanagh’s bar, he was missing his pants. However, upon stumbling outside, the inventor realized that wasn’t the only thing they were taking from him.
One gorilla was pulling Lucie’s lead rope while the other used an improvised whip to lash her hindquarters, all in a vain attempt to force the stubborn donkey into moving.
“What are you doing?!”
“Taking yer donkey, ‘cuz ye bet her last night. ‘N we won.” The man with a savage glint in his eye growled. Gaping, Rodney spun to find Kavanagh grinning with satisfaction through the door. It was just like the bar owner to let him get drunk enough to gamble away his clothing and ass. The four footed one, at least.
“You-you can’t!”
“Why not?”
“Because- because-“ Realizing that any protests on his part were useless and in vain, Rodney briefly considered trying to forcible stop them from taking Lucie. That option was quickly dismissed when he sized them up and found his own stature and fighting skills lacking.
Time for a different tactic.
“Okay. Fine. Take her off my hands, will you? I’ll be glad to see her go.” Putting on a satisfied expression, Rodney crossed his arms and leaned against the railing.
“Why?” Immediate suspicion sprung up in both of his foes’ faces.
“That donkey is nothing but a pain in the ass, if you’ll excuse my pun. Ornery, stubborn, hardheaded- I could go on and on. Oh, and I should tell you; she has a medical condition that requires special medicine that you can’t find in Miss Weir’s Mercantile. Has to be specially ordered.”
By now, the two were looking doubtful but also uneasy.
“Ah, yes, and her back’s weak enough that she can’t bear loads well; try riding her and you’ll snap her spine. She can handle about five pounds- not to mention the fact that she’s notoriously clumsy, and has an awful tendency to trip over thin air-“
“You can keep her.” The scruffiest one cut in urgently, edging away from Lucie like she had the plague.
“Yeah, yeah-“
And then they were gone. Rodney smiled triumphantly and walked over to his donkey, patting her on the neck. Jacob, who had watched the entire episode from the porch of the his old office, didn’t bother hiding his amusement.
“Nice bluff.”
“Thank you.”
“Could you put some pants on?”
Lasso? No, Lassie (Three Years Ago)
Done packing up his latest experiment, Rodney shoved it into a leather satchel and slung it carefully across Lucie’s back, making sure that it didn’t slam onto her spine.
“There. Let’s go.” Picking up her lead rope, he started the trip down to the base of the hill. Having negotiated the rocky, slippery slope himself with disastrous consequences, McKay let his donkey meander down in front of him. It had taken a few bad falls and her braying ‘laughter’ to convince him that the slowness was made up for by the lack of time spent in Carson’s care.
She shook her head as flies buzzed around, floppy ears slapping back and before. He grimaced as they left her and headed for him, waving them off in much the same manner. Summer was hot.
Halfway done, the donkey hesitated. Watching her carefully, Rodney memorized where she had stepped (not that difficult a task for someone with as bright a mind as his) and edged across the rock shelf.
Almost across, a single sound made his blood run cold.
Next to his ear, a rattlesnake shook it’s rattle in a deadly warning.
“Shit. Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic-“ McKay repeated to himself, trying to figure out what to do. If he moved, it would bite him. If he didn’t move, the shelf might give way under his weight.
Letting go of the lead rope, he very slowly, very cautiously started to move forward, not so much inching as millimetering. The only warning he had of danger was an ominous crack-
The path collapsed, giving under his foot. Rodney began to fall, head bashed against the rock face of the hill as the stones clattered down; his torso attempted to slide between the two edges and failed; his flailing hands caught onto a chunk just to his left. Gasping as the rest of his body came to abrupt stop and put the strain on his sides and arms, the inventor nearly fainted.
It was Lucie’s startled “hee-HAW, hee-HAW” that kept him from going out cold; that noise annoyed the hell out of him and he lifted a hand to wave at her, mumbling that she needed to shut up. As soon as he let go, he began to slide farther through the crack. Realizing through the haze what was happening, he clutched the edge for dear life.
PANIC mode: on.
“Oh God. Oh God. I’m going to die! That’s not fair! I don’t deserve to die! I haven’t even gotten my patent plans to the office yet-“
Then, hearing small rocks skittering along the path, he looked over to see the donkey staring at with, the whites of her eyes showing.
“Lucie. Lucie! Lucie, go get help.”
She stared, understandably, at him.
“It’s not that hard! Uh, go to the Mercantile. Someone will notice you. Okay? Okay. Go. Shoo. Shoo!”
Her hooves didn’t move an inch. McKay blinked, and then groaned.
“Who am I kidding? I really am going to die.” An idea struck his, much like his head had struck the hill. Taking a breath, he contorted his face and tried to brace his legs against the miniature cliff.
“BOO!”
Lucie, being not the most courageous critter west of the Mississippi, lunged backwards and took off, hightailing it out of there. She skittered around the bend and he listened, hoping to hear her make it to the gravel-like path that led to the town.
No such sound; no such luck.
Trying not to make his situation worse, and hoping that someone would realize that he hadn’t come back to town for his usual lunch at Vala’s café, he tilted his head back and froze when he saw the rattler slithering downwards.
“Oh come on-“
Luckily, though, the snake had had enough and continued on its way without disturbing the already frail mental condition Rodney was in. A minute later, he was all alone with the sun rising cheerfully in the sky to his left.
All.
Alone.
“God dammit.”
-
Eight long, painful hours later, he had propped himself so there was less strain on his arms, fainted two times and nearly fallen out of the precarious position once, and held at least five arguments with a hallucination of Samantha Carter on everything from planetary positions to how to mix the best alcoholic I-don’t-want-to-remember-this drink.
The sun was fading into the tree line when Rodney cracked one eye opened, wincing when the dried blood crusted over his eyelid pulled. He could swear that he heard voices calling his name-
But then, there was no way that Samantha Carter had ever heard of half the drinks she had talked to him about.
Right?
Then the crunch of booted feet on rock told him that no, it probably wasn’t a crazed product of his imagination.
“McKay!” It was Sheppard, the gunslinger, he remembered as he opened the other eye. “Good; you’re not dead.”
“You came looking for me.” Yes, he was surprised. It hadn’t seemed like anyone would miss him.
“Miss Carter wanted to talk to you about the repair you had done on the well, and when you didn’t show up, figured something was wrong. We split off into pairs to go look for you.” John crouched a safe distance away, studying the predicament McKay had gotten himself into.
“Oh. How’d you find me?”
At that moment Cameron Mitchell came around the hill’s curve, leading one very upset, cranky, and sore donkey.
“This one had gotten her lead rope stuck; we heard her braying at least a mile away.” Sheppard said, with no small amount of amusement. Rodney didn’t care, only relieved that they were going to get him out. As the other two men debated ways to lift him up, he watched Lucie’s white nose bob up and down, and swore that he would never, ever again threaten to turn her into glue.
Birds and Bees (Two Years Ago)
Preoccupied with the complaining donkey he was dragging through town, McKay crashed into Samantha Carter, who had been reading a book as she walked.
“Ack!” He grabbed her shoulder as she nearly went sprawling which almost sent both of them to the ground- until he clutched a handful of Lucie’s coarse, short mane.
She bit him.
“Ouch!
He let go.
After Samantha had finished laughing and had dusted herself off, Rodney mumbled an apology and glared at his ass. The four footed one.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Noticing his worried look that seemed to have nothing to do with knocking her over, she lifted an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”
“Lucie. She’s been acting funny lately. I’m afraid she’s sick.”
Samantha tilted her head, studying the usually gentle jenny with careful blue eyes. As she completed her scrutiny, McKay rubbed the other two bruises where his donkey had caught him off guard.
“Rodney, has she been eating more recently?”
“Yes, actually. How’d you know?” The past month Lucie had attacked the sparse grass and roughage around his house with a vengeance; he had chalked her abnormally large belly up to that.
“Rodney… she’s pregnant.”
“What?”
“You didn’t know?”
No, he hadn’t.
As he struggled to wrap his mind around the idea that he was about to have a little Lucie trotting around, Samantha patted the donkey’s neck affectionately and let the mother-to-be nibble on the book she was carrying.
“Let me guess: last year, around this time, you went to Denver and turned her out into the donkey corral, and came back a few hours later to head home.”
“Uh…oh.” And McKay gave Lucie a scandalized look. “You were making babies when I was trying to get enough to feed just the two of us?”
She swished her tail, and then got a distinctly pained look on her equine face.
“Is she- is she-“
“In labor? I think so.”
Gah. A new life was coming into the world, and it was going to be dependent on him.
Well, him and Lucie. But still-
“Miss Lam. Miss Lam! Where’s Miss Lam?” Carolyn was the town’s veterinarian of sorts, having helped her mother deliver animal babes many, many times.
“Up at the Charleson’s, helping with a hurt roping horse. Don’t worry; Lucie will be fine. We just need to get her some place safe and warm, and she’ll do the rest.”
And, as if irritated that her owner wasn’t following Miss Carter’s advice, the critter in question butted Rodney.
“Okay!”
Half an hour later, Rodney McKay stared at the bundle of legs and wet fur that lay on the straw, tiny nostrils sucking in its first breaths of air.
“One more mouth to feed…”
And Lucie, nudging her foal, seemed to laugh silently.
Where, Oh Where Can She Be? (One Year Ago)
Elizabeth Weir and Janet Frasier were sitting outside at a table at Vala’s café chatting about nothing in particular when Rodney rushed up, a look on his face he only got when one of his experiments was about to blow…
“Have you seen Lucie? She’s missing, I swear I tied her to the post this morning, but she’s gone now and I can’t find her anywhere!”
…or his donkey was gone.
Aware that he was rambling, McKay made a visible effort to quell his distress.
“She’s probably got Bell tagging along too; kind of hard to miss.”
The two women exchanged glances and shook their heads thoughtfully.
“I’m sorry, Rodney, I can’t say I’ve seen Lucie wandering on the loose anywhere.” The shopkeeper replied.
“Same here. She hasn’t gone far, though.” Janet added, hiding her amusement at his distress. He flapped his hands, for all the world a mother hen, and mumbled a thanks before rushing off down the street.
“Should we have told him that Hammond’s granddaughters took her for a ride around town?” Elizabeth asked her friend, smiling.
“Oh, he’ll find them soon enough. Besides, it’s good for him.”
“Worrying?”
“Trying to figure out how to get the girls off Lucie without forcibly removing them.”
And, spotting him accosting the two young children on donkey back, they sipped their drinks to avoid laughing out loud.
A Burden Halved Ain’t Any Lighter (Now)
Coming back from their trip to Denver, both McKay and Lucie were tired; one from haggling prices for his latest batch of whatchamacallits, and one from hauling all of said doodads back. As soon as they got within the ‘safe range’ of Atlantis where no Wraith dared to tread, Lucie halted.
A weary, exasperated look in his eyes, Rodney turned to look at her.
“We’re almost there, Lucie. Now’s no time to be stopping. And there is no way those bags are too heavy; I put all of them on you, remember? Just a few more minutes and we’ll be home.”
Very slowly, and very deliberately, the donkey sank to her knees in response.
“Oh, come on-“ He groaned, rubbing his eyes. The lack of sleep must be getting to him; he was trying to reason with an animal. McKay’s mind conveniently ignored the fact that he’d done it before.
“Look, would you rather that I brought Bell along and put all that crap on her? She’s only two, and while I have no idea how old you are (and you’re no spring chicken) that’s got to be less than I weigh.”
She twitched an ear and closed her eyes.
Knowing that it was useless to try and drag her into town, Rodney’s shoulders slumped and he sat down off the side of the road.
Five minutes later, having fought it out in the confines of his brain, he humbled himself and got up, accepting the inevitable solution with more grace than he would have six years ago.
“Okay. Let’s go home.”
And, lifting the heaviest pack from her back and slinging it over his shoulder, Rodney McKay and his ass of the four footed kind went home.
-
"So that’s about it- what’s wrong?” Jack followed the horse trader’s gaze out to the road. Atlantis’ resident inventor was coming in, red faced and sweating but not complaining as Lucie followed, ears swinging back and forth.
Oma smiled.
I guess he learned his lesson.
the end