[For Tony & Peter] Dated 21 May 2011

[wildlyconflictd]

Perhaps it's naive of her to think as much, but Pepper feels confident that Peter will show. Even with as erratic as his behavior has been since Mary Jane's disappearance, he'd seemed so thoroughly surprised to have her demand nothing more from him than his company over dinner. She thinks that, if nothing else, the novelty of that will bring him

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[daretodo]

The clarity of anger is short-lived. I burned through the worst of yesterday's rage shortly after I left Pepper, and spent the last 24 hours or so revisiting every scrap of food I've shoved down my throat in the past month. It didn't take long for the reality of what I did to sink in, and while I'd argue 'til my last breath that I'm not crazy, that there was a legitimate point underneath all the vitriol, there's no denying I might've gone about it better. But what's done is done. Whatever life I made for myself here disappeared the same moment as Mary Jane, but I'm the one who shoved the final nail into my own coffin... And that's not a metaphor I make lightly

[daretodo]

The worst part is, I agree; it was fun, for a given value of the word, at least in the moment. To get some of the anger off my chest, to just let go for five minutes, and say exactly what's been on my mind, no filter, no second-thoughts...

I didn't lose control. I certainly lost a lot of people's respect, any chance of winning the election, whatever goodwill I earned here gone in a few short moments of frustration... But for the first time in a month, I felt in control, despite the exhaustion, and the grief, and the pain. It's not the first time I've taken a stand for something I believe in. And finding a way to understand and bend this island's forces to our will instead of the other way around? Is something I believe in, full-stop

[wildlyconflictd]

"Peter," Pepper says again, an exhaled word that doesn't lead to any others because she has no idea what to reply. She won't say it's okay when it very decisively isn't, but it's never escaped her that most of Peter's speech and posturing lately has reflected one simple fact: he's in pain.

Blinking back a fresh wave of tears, she stands and touches careful fingers first to the corners of her eyes and then her hair. "I think I'm going to excuse myself," she says, heels clicking on tile as she takes three steps toward her bedroom. At Peter's chair she stops and gives his closest shoulder a reassuring squeeze. On impulse, she drops a kiss to the top of his head.

"I love you," she murmurs, and then continues with perfect poise to the adjacent room.

[notawastedlife]

"...she does that," Tony said, after a moment of staring after her.

Which meant that it was up to him to seal the deal, he supposed. Well, that was fine, he'd been in that position, just usually it wasn't something actively emotionally fraught.

"You don't need to apologize. But... accepted. Like the offer, I'm hoping."

[daretodo]

I'm not sure what to make of Pepper's exit, whether I should be relieved or guilty or some combination of the two. Briefly touching the place she kissed with an expression that's equal parts guilt and puzzlement, I stare after her until she disappears from view, then twist back around to look at Tony, not bothering to school my features into something a little less dumbfounded.

I blink once, twice, trying to find my voice again, but when I do, I find myself turning back to something he said earlier instead of what he's saying now.

"I, uh, haven't. Been sleeping."

[notawastedlife]

Tony studied him, then nodded once, looking off to the side. "That figures," he said, looking back. "Explains... things. You'd have my old room, it's comfortable. Obviously, it was... mine. No... reminders," he concluded, squinting a little, as if trying to calculate how much that was a factor. Harder to do than standard math, obviously.

[daretodo]

I haven't stepped foot in my bedroom since Mary Jane disappeared, but that's not a confession I feel inclined to make to him -- at least not in those words.

"That's not... I mean, obviously, it is, but-- I never slept well, even before she-- Which, uh, isn't something I advertise -- who goes around talking about their sleeping habits, really? -- but..."

God, this is embarrassing. It takes every ounce of willpower I have to stop myself from leaving right now. I settle instead for looking away, and clearing my throat, awkwardly.

[notawastedlife]

"People?" Tony said, now directing the squint at the ceiling. How did people have conversations like this? "I think there's... people... that do. Not us, obviously. I'd suggest... some kind of sleeping medication, except I think I am probably the last person to recommend medicating of any kind, so maybe not."

[daretodo]

I have to laugh at that. Not because it's funny so much because it's true. Scrubbing a hand over my mouth to wipe away the remnants of a short-lived smile, I'm forced to nod.

"You really are," I agree, not qualifying that opinion with any conciliatory language, because, well, he really is the last person should be recommending any kind of self-medication, and I've got the scars to prove it. Idly, I wonder if this isn't his version of tiki jail. The mansion isn't a prison -- and they haven't said anything to imply that it would be -- but the underlying reasoning suddenly strikes me as similar. To keep an eye on me. My expression closes off.

"I'm not going to hurt anyone, you do realize that, right?"

Except that's already a lie, isn't it? Even if Cap could handle anything I doled out, the fact remains I had to stitch him up, afterward. I frown, not sure how to reconcile what I know to be true with the reality of my situation.

"I mean, I'm not... crazy or delusional."

[notawastedlife]

"Or drunk," Tony offered.

It seemed a somewhat pertinent alternative dangerous option. "Just... tired. Still, is that entirely safe? They do say not to operate heavy machinery."

[daretodo]

Humming a note that's not quite agreement so much as it is acknowledgment of his point, I cant my head to the side.

"And if I were you, that would be a problem," I reply. "I have no heavy machinery to operate." A beat passes, and I add, "But I did punch Captain America in the face."

[notawastedlife]

"Machinery for punching holes in the universe counts as heavy," Tony said, "let's qualify that as- in the face? How's your hand?"

Man had a chiselled face.

[daretodo]

Lifting up my right hand, I flex my fingers, and cast them a glance before looking back to Tony.

"Functional. He wouldn't leave. It seemed like a good idea at the time," I reply. In my defense, it did; I was angry. I still am angry. And of the people I could've chosen to hit, he still seems like the best option. If by best, I mean most idiotic, of course.

"It, uh, wasn't. Close fight like that, guy's way out of my league."

[notawastedlife]

"Out of your... Mr Professional Hero?" Tony said, raising his eyebrows slightly. "...no, okay, I've seen the guy. Beating up Captain America seemed like a good idea at... are you arguing for your decision-making right now?"

[daretodo]

"I'm Mr. Professional Hero, 'cause I know how to fight around my weaknesses," I say, one corner of my mouth tugging outwards in a brief knowing smile. "He's too fast. Only way to beat him's from a--"

I stop abruptly once I realize just whose counterpart I'm talking to, and change tack; whatever the reasons my future self had for siding with Stark in the so-called Civil War, I somehow doubt it had anything to do with grief. Not that I'm choosing sides right now, per se -- not that there's even any reason -- but given how vehemently I disagree with a decision I haven't even made yet, my mind's quick to draw the parallel, regardless of whether or not it's warranted.

"Anyway, he ended up more injured than I did, but that's--"

Again, I stop. This time, though, it's with a scoff, because I'm bypassing his point entirely, taking the alternate routes as they present themselves, and a part of me knows I can't keep this up. Or, at least, that I shouldn't keep this up.

"I don't-- I don't know, Tony. No."

[notawastedlife]

"Good, because... you beat up Captain America," Tony said. "Really? Was he pulling his- irrelevant. I'm not saying this is the fix for everything, obviously it isn't, but, it might help. I think it'll help. Pepper thinks it will, we can trust her judgement, right?"