Something old, something new. Week 3 Brigits Flame

[wierdauntie]

Comments

[talithakalago]

I like the opening paragraph and your dialogue is solid.

The pacing on this is all over the place, though. It stops and starts, it's really jerky. Usually this is a sign parts of the scene are unnessassary. If you don't want to cut, you probably need to go back and lengthen the rished parts, making them more relivant.

Proooobably not worth it with a short peice, unless you want to fit it into something bigger or sell it somewhere.

[wierdauntie]

Thanks for the tip. Always trying to improve... and I agree something's uneven about it... suggestions?

[mermaidbia]

I loved this, honestly. The inclusion of Hawaiian culture and especially the language were beautifully done, and the dialogue sounded genuine to me. You create an interesting, dynamic scene here. Good work!

[wierdauntie]

Thanks... and don't be afraid to tell me when you don't like/don't understand something either, OK? *hugs*

[astraevirgo]

I went to first and second grade in a private school on Oahu, as my dad was stationed at Pearl Harbor. I have to say -- the description of the school lunch brought back memories that I didn't entirely realize I had.

I really enjoy these autobiographical pieces, since they are so tender and loving and careful. One thing that confused me was the significance of the play -- it became clear to me upon further reading, but I didn't get it right away.

[wierdauntie]

Thanks for the comment... and I know, the play is a little elliptical but, that's how it is sometimes.

Thanks for sharing!
W

[ephemeralbreath]

I felt the same way I had standing in the Vatican, with an Italian choir taking me straight to heaven.
I absolutely loved that line... I could feel her being touched by the heritage of the school, and it was a great comparison.

Her lunch on its sectioned cardboard tray looked surprisingly tasty: a scoop of "hapa" rice (mixed brown and white), carrot sticks, meatballs in gravy...

I showed her my extra space 'home lunch': Use a quotation mark instead of the single quotes here, and place the colon inside the punctuation marks

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for the thoughtful critique! Good points.

[innana88]

I haven't forgotten about you! Life sort of blew up. I'll finish this tomorrow!

[wierdauntie]

No hurry.