I felt the same way I had standing in the Vatican, with an Italian choir taking me straight to heaven. I absolutely loved that line... I could feel her being touched by the heritage of the school, and it was a great comparison.
Her lunch on its sectioned cardboard tray looked surprisingly tasty: a scoop of "hapa" rice (mixed brown and white), carrot sticks, meatballs in gravy...
I showed her my extra space 'home lunch': Use a quotation mark instead of the single quotes here, and place the colon inside the punctuation marks.
The dialogue is a bit of a stiff point. Because the conversation itself is interesting, it's difficult for me to pay attention in the "in between spots" that describe the interaction. These places need a little more body, a little more description. For example, the phrase "she said" is overused in the middle section. Instead, try using a variety of words that mean the same thing, like "commented," or "responded." If it's really not as important as the conversation, it can even be left out, as it's pretty easy to tell which character is speaking.
Very nice story. I wasn't expecting the end at all, and really enoyed the feel of the descriptive passages and their pace, especially at the beginning.
I absolutely loved that line... I could feel her being touched by the heritage of the school, and it was a great comparison.
Her lunch on its sectioned cardboard tray looked surprisingly tasty: a scoop of "hapa" rice (mixed brown and white), carrot sticks, meatballs in gravy...
I showed her my extra space 'home lunch':
Use a quotation mark instead of the single quotes here, and place the colon inside the punctuation marks.
The dialogue is a bit of a stiff point. Because the conversation itself is interesting, it's difficult for me to pay attention in the "in between spots" that describe the interaction. These places need a little more body, a little more description. For example, the phrase "she said" is overused in the middle section. Instead, try using a variety of words that mean the same thing, like "commented," or "responded." If it's really not as important as the conversation, it can even be left out, as it's pretty easy to tell which character is speaking.
Very nice story. I wasn't expecting the end at all, and really enoyed the feel of the descriptive passages and their pace, especially at the beginning.
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