Combat (11/15)
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"...wisdom to know the difference."
Scotty released the hands of the people next to him and stepped back from the circle. As the others began to walk to the coffee station or leave the hall, he walked up to the group leader.
"Hi Leslie."
"Scotty, hi. How are you?"
Scotty nodded. "Good, good. So, um, there’s some stuff lately that I can’t really tell Justin about. And I think I should actually talk to someone, you know, professionally. Do you know of any good and, uh - " Scotty scratched the side of his head. " - cheap therapists?"
Leslie put a hand on his arm. "Is this urgent? Is there something I can help you with?"
"No!" Scotty shook his head. "No, it’s nothing like that. I just - it’s more long-term stuff, you know?"
Leslie nodded. "OK. Yeah, I know a couple people. Let me get some info for you for the next meeting?"
"Great. Thanks, Leslie."
Scotty exhaled slowly. It had been almost a week since he realized his feelings for Kevin had become somewhat...unhealthy. And while he had talked to Justin once since then, and of course Tyler at work, he had avoided anything else Walker-related. Kevin had called four times, but Scotty refused to answer, and the messages were always vague variations of "we need to talk."
And late last night, Scotty acknowledged that his efforts to work through his problems and issues on his own, or even through NA meetings, weren’t working. Mostly, he had hidden or ignored them. To him, it was as simple as: he wasn’t using, so therefore he was getting better. He hadn’t thought of Joe - while he was awake - in a while, so he was over it. He had tried with his parents, and there was nothing else he could do. And Kevin - well, Kevin seemed to like him, so there must be something about him worth liking, even if he couldn’t always see it himself.
But now Scotty knew these justifications weren’t going to hold up. He needed help.
***
Scotty took the long way home after the meeting, thinking, enjoying the night, driving mindlessly around town. He was home now, though, and walking down the hall to his apartment, swinging his keys around his finger. He turned the corner and stopped abruptly. In some sort of mirror image of the other night, Kevin was sitting on the floor in front of his apartment, waiting for him. Scotty swallowed, then went for the joke.
"Is this turning into stalker tag or something?"
Kevin looked up, startled. Then he stood, pushing off the door for balance. "Well, if you answered the phone ever..."
Scotty walked up to him, reaching around to unlock the door. "Usually that’s a sign that the person doesn’t want to talk to you."
"We have to talk," Kevin argued, following him into the apartment.
"No, Kevin. We really don’t. Why don’t you just go home to Jason?" Scotty asked, refusing to turn to face him.
"We...broke up."
And of course, against his better judgment, Scotty twisted, looking at Kevin in shock. "You did?"
"Yeah," Kevin replied softly. "I dumped him immediately. Well, almost."
Scotty narrowed his eyes. "Did you sleep with him?"
"No!" Kevin winced. "Kind of. Nothing really happened."
Scotty exhaled, bringing his hands up and rubbing his eyes. "Let me see if I got this straight. You told me you cared about me, and I should be with you. Then we made out, but you wouldn’t go through with it because of my addictive personality - "
"That’s - "
"Then, hours later, your boyfriend shows up, and you two ‘kind of’ had sex before you broke up with him. Now you’re here to...why are you here?"
Kevin tilted his head back and sighed. Looking at Scotty, he said very deliberately, "To tell you that I can live just fine without you too."
Scotty pressed his lips together and nodded, trying and - he imagined - failing not to let on how much the comment hurt him. "Well. Great, Kevin. Thanks for coming all the way over here to make that perfectly clear."
He turned away again, walking closer to the counter.
"I just don’t want to," Kevin said to his back.
Scotty faced him again, confused. "What?"
Kevin stepped closer. "Isn’t that the whole point of relationships? Two people are together - not because they need to be, but because they want to be. They choose to be with each other, for better or worse."
Scotty blinked. "Did you just propose to me?"
Kevin laughed. "No."
They stared at each other for a few minutes, before Kevin added softly, "Not yet."
Scotty forgot to breathe for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Kevin, come sit down."
Kevin followed him warily. Scotty propped one knee up on the couch, sitting sideways to face Kevin. He picked up Kevin's hands and looked at him. "I can’t be with you."
Kevin opened his mouth to argue, but Scotty beat him to it. "Not yet," he clarified.
"What do you mean?" Kevin asked quietly.
Scotty sighed. "You were right. I’m not ready for this, I’m not. I have a lot of stuff to work through still. Not only what happened over there or the drugs, but about my parents and who I am and what I want from my life for myself."
Scotty adjusted his grip on Kevin’s hands, holding them tighter. "When I’m with you - almost from the first time I met you - I just, I lose all control. I can’t get enough of you. Just being around you makes me feel...makes me feel..."
"Scotty, it’s the same for me. That’s how it’s supposed to feel when you’re falling for someone. It doesn’t mean - "
"Maybe that’s fine for regular people, but it’s very, very scary for me. I have to learn how to make rational choices, and not just react emotionally to things."
Kevin exhaled slowly, nodding.
"Not to mention, I have some - " Scotty laughed humorlessly. " - self-esteem issues. It’s hard for me to see what I’m worth right now. And I think starting something with you before I figure that out could be bad as well. I...I have no power here. You were my lawyer for free, and you came over at three A.M. to babysit me, and your family is basically the only friends or family I have. Not to mention, you have a lot of money and an awesome job and have actual, you know, sexual experience with men. It really does seem like you don’t need me. I’m not sure what I bring to the relationship here."
"Yourself, Scotty," Kevin said emphatically.
Scotty shook his head. "That doesn’t feel like enough."
Kevin looked at him sadly, and Scotty looked away.
"So, Kevin, you see - I have to wait. Until I feel like anything we have is for the right reasons, and like I can be an equal partner."
Kevin looked down at his lap and sighed. He looked back up at Scotty. "OK," he said.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I’ll wait. As long as it takes."
"If it gets too much - if you meet someone - "
"Don’t finish that sentence. Maybe I needed that out with Jason, I don’t know. But I don’t want it with you. You’re the only person I want. But you’re right. I want you to be healthy, even more than I want you to be with me. And I want you to see yourself how I see you. How amazing you are."
Scotty smiled, leaning forward and placing his hands on Kevin’s cheeks. "Thank you."
Kevin closed his eyes briefly. "Can I still...see you?"
"Yeah, yeah," Scotty nodded. "It would be kind of hard not to, anyway. But no dates and no...touching. And we’ll figure out the rest as we go along."
Kevin nodded. "OK," he breathed.
Then he stood abruptly and walked to the door. Scotty followed him, and Kevin turned to face him. They stared at each other for a long moment, and then Kevin looked down, blushing. "Can I - may I please kiss you just once?" He glanced up at Scotty, a hopeful glint in his eye contradicting the resigned expression on his face. "To tide me over."
Scotty slowly smiled. "I think that would be all right," he said softly, swaying closer to Kevin.
Kevin took a step closer, and Scotty leaned back. "Hands where I can see them," he warned.
Kevin grinned, taking hold of Scotty’s waist and pulling him into a kiss - relatively chaste but full of someday.
***
"So, am I supposed to lie down on the couch?" Scotty asked nervously.
"No," Dr. Harris laughed. "You can sit wherever and however you want."
Scotty took a deep breath and took the seat opposite the desk. "So...what do - how does this work?"
Dr. Harris put her pen down and leaned forward, crossing her arms on her desk. "Let’s just get to know each other first, Scotty."
***
Scotty stretched out on the couch. "I don’t know. It feels...weird, talking to a complete stranger about things."
"Weird, like you don’t think it’ll work?" Kevin asked.
Scotty sighed, adjusting his grip on the phone as he put his other arm behind his head. "No...no. She seems good. I just need to get used to it."
"Well, you’ve only gone once, right? I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy right away."
"Yeah."
"So, what did you talk about? Or am I not allowed to know?"
Scotty laughed. "We talked about restaurants."
"Restaurants?"
"Yeah, which ones have the best appetizers."
"Uh...OK."
Scotty chuckled. "Yeah. Really intensive psychoanalysis."
"No, that’s good, though. Start slow. Build a rapport."
"Mmhmm," Scotty agreed. He turned his head to the side, looking out the window at the setting sun. "How was your day?"
"Landed a big client."
"Yeah? Congratulations."
"Thanks. So that’s pretty much all I was working on. My life is so exciting."
Scotty smiled. "Sounds like it."
"Are you coming to dinner at Mom’s tomorrow?"
"Do you think that’d be a good idea?"
Kevin sighed. "I don’t know. But I want to see you. It’s been ages."
"It’s been a week," Scotty said, lightly rolling his eyes.
"Is that all?"
"Kevin."
"I know, I know. I’m sorry."
Scotty was silent, thinking. "Fine, I’ll come," he said. "But remember the rules."
"We’re just friends. And we’re never in a room alone together."
"That’s right."
"Do you want to explain why you came up with that last one?" Kevin asked, a teasing note in his voice.
"Shut up," Scotty replied.
***
"Knock knock," Scotty announced as he walked into the restaurant’s kitchen at the hotel.
"Hi!" said a woman in a chef’s uniform washing utensils in the sink. "Can I help you?"
"Scotty. From up in the office."
"Oh, the IT guy."
Scotty laughed. "Sort of. I guess. By default."
"Great! The computer in the office is acting crazy."
She stepped away from the sink, drying her hands on her white jacket. "I’m Tracy, by the way. I’m the head chef here."
She led him to the office, and Scotty sat at the desk, turning the computer on. "What do you need a computer for in a kitchen, anyway?"
"What don’t I need it for? Employee records, inventory, schedule of events, recipe storage, room service info..."
"OK, OK," Scotty said, laughing. "Forget I asked."
Tracy grinned at him. "You think you can fix it?"
Scotty looked at the computer. It had finished booting, and he turned to it. "I’ll do my best."
"Great!" Tracy said, standing up. "You hungry? The kitchen’s technically not open yet, but I have to get started and make sure everything’s OK. The special’s lobster ravioli."
Scotty turned to face her. "Oh my God, that sounds amazing."
Tracy laughed. "I hope so," she said, patting the back of the chair as she walked out of the office.
***
Scotty ran up the driveway of the Walker house. He hadn’t realized it was so late; he had gotten distracted at the hotel. The problems with the computer were beyond his skills and so he had stopped working on it fairly early, making a note to call in more help. But he hadn’t left then - instead, he and Tracy had talked over dinner. The topic of conversation varied quite a bit, but most of the time was spent on Scotty’s love for cooking and her work. She told him about the cooking school she had gone to and the night program they had.
Scotty had brushed off the idea at first. But it wouldn’t leave him alone, and now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He smiled, shaking his head, as he rang the doorbell.
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"...wisdom to know the difference."
Scotty released the hands of the people next to him and stepped back from the circle. As the others began to walk to the coffee station or leave the hall, he walked up to the group leader.
"Hi Leslie."
"Scotty, hi. How are you?"
Scotty nodded. "Good, good. So, um, there’s some stuff lately that I can’t really tell Justin about. And I think I should actually talk to someone, you know, professionally. Do you know of any good and, uh - " Scotty scratched the side of his head. " - cheap therapists?"
Leslie put a hand on his arm. "Is this urgent? Is there something I can help you with?"
"No!" Scotty shook his head. "No, it’s nothing like that. I just - it’s more long-term stuff, you know?"
Leslie nodded. "OK. Yeah, I know a couple people. Let me get some info for you for the next meeting?"
"Great. Thanks, Leslie."
Scotty exhaled slowly. It had been almost a week since he realized his feelings for Kevin had become somewhat...unhealthy. And while he had talked to Justin once since then, and of course Tyler at work, he had avoided anything else Walker-related. Kevin had called four times, but Scotty refused to answer, and the messages were always vague variations of "we need to talk."
And late last night, Scotty acknowledged that his efforts to work through his problems and issues on his own, or even through NA meetings, weren’t working. Mostly, he had hidden or ignored them. To him, it was as simple as: he wasn’t using, so therefore he was getting better. He hadn’t thought of Joe - while he was awake - in a while, so he was over it. He had tried with his parents, and there was nothing else he could do. And Kevin - well, Kevin seemed to like him, so there must be something about him worth liking, even if he couldn’t always see it himself.
But now Scotty knew these justifications weren’t going to hold up. He needed help.
***
Scotty took the long way home after the meeting, thinking, enjoying the night, driving mindlessly around town. He was home now, though, and walking down the hall to his apartment, swinging his keys around his finger. He turned the corner and stopped abruptly. In some sort of mirror image of the other night, Kevin was sitting on the floor in front of his apartment, waiting for him. Scotty swallowed, then went for the joke.
"Is this turning into stalker tag or something?"
Kevin looked up, startled. Then he stood, pushing off the door for balance. "Well, if you answered the phone ever..."
Scotty walked up to him, reaching around to unlock the door. "Usually that’s a sign that the person doesn’t want to talk to you."
"We have to talk," Kevin argued, following him into the apartment.
"No, Kevin. We really don’t. Why don’t you just go home to Jason?" Scotty asked, refusing to turn to face him.
"We...broke up."
And of course, against his better judgment, Scotty twisted, looking at Kevin in shock. "You did?"
"Yeah," Kevin replied softly. "I dumped him immediately. Well, almost."
Scotty narrowed his eyes. "Did you sleep with him?"
"No!" Kevin winced. "Kind of. Nothing really happened."
Scotty exhaled, bringing his hands up and rubbing his eyes. "Let me see if I got this straight. You told me you cared about me, and I should be with you. Then we made out, but you wouldn’t go through with it because of my addictive personality - "
"That’s - "
"Then, hours later, your boyfriend shows up, and you two ‘kind of’ had sex before you broke up with him. Now you’re here to...why are you here?"
Kevin tilted his head back and sighed. Looking at Scotty, he said very deliberately, "To tell you that I can live just fine without you too."
Scotty pressed his lips together and nodded, trying and - he imagined - failing not to let on how much the comment hurt him. "Well. Great, Kevin. Thanks for coming all the way over here to make that perfectly clear."
He turned away again, walking closer to the counter.
"I just don’t want to," Kevin said to his back.
Scotty faced him again, confused. "What?"
Kevin stepped closer. "Isn’t that the whole point of relationships? Two people are together - not because they need to be, but because they want to be. They choose to be with each other, for better or worse."
Scotty blinked. "Did you just propose to me?"
Kevin laughed. "No."
They stared at each other for a few minutes, before Kevin added softly, "Not yet."
Scotty forgot to breathe for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Kevin, come sit down."
Kevin followed him warily. Scotty propped one knee up on the couch, sitting sideways to face Kevin. He picked up Kevin's hands and looked at him. "I can’t be with you."
Kevin opened his mouth to argue, but Scotty beat him to it. "Not yet," he clarified.
"What do you mean?" Kevin asked quietly.
Scotty sighed. "You were right. I’m not ready for this, I’m not. I have a lot of stuff to work through still. Not only what happened over there or the drugs, but about my parents and who I am and what I want from my life for myself."
Scotty adjusted his grip on Kevin’s hands, holding them tighter. "When I’m with you - almost from the first time I met you - I just, I lose all control. I can’t get enough of you. Just being around you makes me feel...makes me feel..."
"Scotty, it’s the same for me. That’s how it’s supposed to feel when you’re falling for someone. It doesn’t mean - "
"Maybe that’s fine for regular people, but it’s very, very scary for me. I have to learn how to make rational choices, and not just react emotionally to things."
Kevin exhaled slowly, nodding.
"Not to mention, I have some - " Scotty laughed humorlessly. " - self-esteem issues. It’s hard for me to see what I’m worth right now. And I think starting something with you before I figure that out could be bad as well. I...I have no power here. You were my lawyer for free, and you came over at three A.M. to babysit me, and your family is basically the only friends or family I have. Not to mention, you have a lot of money and an awesome job and have actual, you know, sexual experience with men. It really does seem like you don’t need me. I’m not sure what I bring to the relationship here."
"Yourself, Scotty," Kevin said emphatically.
Scotty shook his head. "That doesn’t feel like enough."
Kevin looked at him sadly, and Scotty looked away.
"So, Kevin, you see - I have to wait. Until I feel like anything we have is for the right reasons, and like I can be an equal partner."
Kevin looked down at his lap and sighed. He looked back up at Scotty. "OK," he said.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I’ll wait. As long as it takes."
"If it gets too much - if you meet someone - "
"Don’t finish that sentence. Maybe I needed that out with Jason, I don’t know. But I don’t want it with you. You’re the only person I want. But you’re right. I want you to be healthy, even more than I want you to be with me. And I want you to see yourself how I see you. How amazing you are."
Scotty smiled, leaning forward and placing his hands on Kevin’s cheeks. "Thank you."
Kevin closed his eyes briefly. "Can I still...see you?"
"Yeah, yeah," Scotty nodded. "It would be kind of hard not to, anyway. But no dates and no...touching. And we’ll figure out the rest as we go along."
Kevin nodded. "OK," he breathed.
Then he stood abruptly and walked to the door. Scotty followed him, and Kevin turned to face him. They stared at each other for a long moment, and then Kevin looked down, blushing. "Can I - may I please kiss you just once?" He glanced up at Scotty, a hopeful glint in his eye contradicting the resigned expression on his face. "To tide me over."
Scotty slowly smiled. "I think that would be all right," he said softly, swaying closer to Kevin.
Kevin took a step closer, and Scotty leaned back. "Hands where I can see them," he warned.
Kevin grinned, taking hold of Scotty’s waist and pulling him into a kiss - relatively chaste but full of someday.
***
"So, am I supposed to lie down on the couch?" Scotty asked nervously.
"No," Dr. Harris laughed. "You can sit wherever and however you want."
Scotty took a deep breath and took the seat opposite the desk. "So...what do - how does this work?"
Dr. Harris put her pen down and leaned forward, crossing her arms on her desk. "Let’s just get to know each other first, Scotty."
***
Scotty stretched out on the couch. "I don’t know. It feels...weird, talking to a complete stranger about things."
"Weird, like you don’t think it’ll work?" Kevin asked.
Scotty sighed, adjusting his grip on the phone as he put his other arm behind his head. "No...no. She seems good. I just need to get used to it."
"Well, you’ve only gone once, right? I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy right away."
"Yeah."
"So, what did you talk about? Or am I not allowed to know?"
Scotty laughed. "We talked about restaurants."
"Restaurants?"
"Yeah, which ones have the best appetizers."
"Uh...OK."
Scotty chuckled. "Yeah. Really intensive psychoanalysis."
"No, that’s good, though. Start slow. Build a rapport."
"Mmhmm," Scotty agreed. He turned his head to the side, looking out the window at the setting sun. "How was your day?"
"Landed a big client."
"Yeah? Congratulations."
"Thanks. So that’s pretty much all I was working on. My life is so exciting."
Scotty smiled. "Sounds like it."
"Are you coming to dinner at Mom’s tomorrow?"
"Do you think that’d be a good idea?"
Kevin sighed. "I don’t know. But I want to see you. It’s been ages."
"It’s been a week," Scotty said, lightly rolling his eyes.
"Is that all?"
"Kevin."
"I know, I know. I’m sorry."
Scotty was silent, thinking. "Fine, I’ll come," he said. "But remember the rules."
"We’re just friends. And we’re never in a room alone together."
"That’s right."
"Do you want to explain why you came up with that last one?" Kevin asked, a teasing note in his voice.
"Shut up," Scotty replied.
***
"Knock knock," Scotty announced as he walked into the restaurant’s kitchen at the hotel.
"Hi!" said a woman in a chef’s uniform washing utensils in the sink. "Can I help you?"
"Scotty. From up in the office."
"Oh, the IT guy."
Scotty laughed. "Sort of. I guess. By default."
"Great! The computer in the office is acting crazy."
She stepped away from the sink, drying her hands on her white jacket. "I’m Tracy, by the way. I’m the head chef here."
She led him to the office, and Scotty sat at the desk, turning the computer on. "What do you need a computer for in a kitchen, anyway?"
"What don’t I need it for? Employee records, inventory, schedule of events, recipe storage, room service info..."
"OK, OK," Scotty said, laughing. "Forget I asked."
Tracy grinned at him. "You think you can fix it?"
Scotty looked at the computer. It had finished booting, and he turned to it. "I’ll do my best."
"Great!" Tracy said, standing up. "You hungry? The kitchen’s technically not open yet, but I have to get started and make sure everything’s OK. The special’s lobster ravioli."
Scotty turned to face her. "Oh my God, that sounds amazing."
Tracy laughed. "I hope so," she said, patting the back of the chair as she walked out of the office.
***
Scotty ran up the driveway of the Walker house. He hadn’t realized it was so late; he had gotten distracted at the hotel. The problems with the computer were beyond his skills and so he had stopped working on it fairly early, making a note to call in more help. But he hadn’t left then - instead, he and Tracy had talked over dinner. The topic of conversation varied quite a bit, but most of the time was spent on Scotty’s love for cooking and her work. She told him about the cooking school she had gone to and the night program they had.
Scotty had brushed off the idea at first. But it wouldn’t leave him alone, and now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He smiled, shaking his head, as he rang the doorbell.
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