Combat (12/15)
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Scotty gulped several breaths, incredibly embarrassed at his emotional reaction.
"I’m sorry; I’m sorry."
Dr. Harris sat next to him, a hand on his shoulder and the other holding a box of Kleenex.
"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for," she said. "This is what therapy is about - bringing up and processing difficult topics. We need to look at these issues in a healthy and productive manner. Crying is good, Scotty. It’s cathartic."
"Shouldn’t I be learning how to think things through instead of just reacting?"
"Sure. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel at all. The more you attempt to control your emotions, the more they control you."
"That is such a therapy thing to say."
Dr. Harris smiled. "Well, I’m a therapist. Seriously, Scotty. Have you ever cried about your parents’ response before?"
Scotty stared straight ahead. "No," he finally said. "There were a couple times where I fought it - when it first happened, after I went to visit them. But mostly I just...I felt numb."
"How’d that work for you?"
Scotty laughed humorlessly. "Not bad. Feeling nothing is better than feeling...this."
"Is it? And is that why you were flooding your system with painkillers?"
Scotty didn’t say anything.
"Don’t be scared of emotions, Scotty," Dr. Harris told him. "You can find a balance between feeling and thinking."
***
"Hello?" Kevin said distractedly.
"Hi, it’s me!"
Kevin sat up straighter, wedging the phone between his ear and shoulder as he moved his laptop to the coffee table. "Hi, what...? It’s Wednesday."
Scotty laughed. "I am aware of that."
Kevin leaned back. "Mr. Wandell, are you breaking the one phone call a week rule?"
"I am, but only because I couldn’t wait until Friday to tell you."
"Tell me what?"
Scotty took a deep breath, pausing for effect. "I got in."
"Got in wh - to cooking school?!" Kevin sat straight up again.
"Yep," Scotty said, the grin evident in his voice.
"That’s so - Scotty, I’m so proud of you."
Scotty smiled. "Thank you," he said softly.
Kevin kicked his feet up on the coffee table, relaxing again. "Tell me everything. When do you start?"
***
The knock at the office door startled both Tyler and Scotty. They glanced up, and Tyler called out to the person on the other side. The door swung open, and Tracy peered around the edge.
"Hi! Sorry to interrupt. Scotty, are you free tonight? My roommate and I are going to karaoke night. I think you two would really hit it off."
Scotty stared at her for a moment. "Oh! Um...Tracy, I’m gay."
Tracy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I figured. So’s he."
Scotty blushed. "Oh. Well, I’m not dating right now. At all."
Tracy’s shoulders fell. "OK, fine. Come anyway, though. It’ll be fun. Tyler, you too."
"Where is it?"
"Cinnamon Jack’s? One of Jordan’s - that’s my roommate - one of his friends works there."
Scotty nodded slowly. "I’ll let you know," he finally said.
"Great! See you guys!"
Tracy left the office, and Scotty returned to his work. Tyler stared at him for a few seconds, before asking, "Are you going to go?"
"I don’t know. Probably not."
"What? Why not?"
Scotty looked up at her. "I haven’t been to a bar since...everything. I mean, I was never much of a drinker, but - I don’t know if it’s a good idea."
Tyler stared at him for a few seconds, then she reached over for her phone. "Scotty," she said as she dialed. "First of all, you’ve had how many dinners at the Walker house? They go through more alcohol than most bars do. And second, this is an important step - realizing you can have a social life and go out and still make good decisions."
"Who are you calling?"
"Justin. We’ll go with you for moral sup - Justin? It’s Tyler. Guess what we’re doing tonight."
Scotty grinned as he listened to her side of the conversation. Tyler could be...unstoppable.
"Hold on - I’ll ask. Scotty?"
Scotty raised his eyebrows. "Hmm."
"Kevin’s with him. He wants to know if he can come."
"Um...I think...probably...I’ll check with Tracy, but...why not?"
Tyler tried to hide her amusement at Scotty’s response as she returned to her conversation with Justin.
***
"Sarah’s going to be jealous!" Justin said loudly over the sounds of the bar.
Scotty turned away from his conversation with Tracy and Jordan. "Why?"
"She loves gay bars," Justin explained.
Scotty glanced across the table at Kevin, who nodded in agreement. Scotty looked at him a few seconds longer before turning away again...briefly. It had been quite some time since they had seen each other outside of Nora’s dining room, since they had spoken in person rather than on the phone. Scotty found himself looking at Kevin again and again. He had thought that making sure they were on opposite sides of the table would be the best plan, but he had forgotten that that meant they could stare at each other regularly. And he had forgotten that Kevin was a damn cheater, who had "accidentally" brushed his foot against Scotty’s foot or calf at least ten times now.
Make that eleven. Scotty narrowed his eyes at Kevin, and Kevin looked back in feigned innocence.
"Dude, are you wearing a necklace?" Justin interrupted, and Scotty faced him again.
"What?"
Justin pointed at his own neck, and Scotty looked down. He laughed when he saw the chain. "No, no. Dog tags." He pulled them out from under his shirt. "I found them in a drawer earlier this evening and threw them on for safekeeping. I completely forgot I was wearing them."
Scotty glanced at Kevin again. Kevin’s mouth was slightly open, and it looked like his pupils were dilated even larger than they had just been in the dark bar. Scotty raised an eyebrow questioningly, and Kevin closed his mouth, swallowing.
***
The bitter tang of metal against the salty sweetness of skin was quite possibly the sexiest thing Kevin had ever tasted. He ran his tongue and his teeth along the ridge of Scotty’s collar bone before picking up the chain in his mouth and sucking on it.
"We shouldn’t - " Scotty moaned, pushing himself against the car door in an attempt to back away even as he maintained a death grip on the flaps of Kevin’s jacket.
"It’s all your fault," Kevin muttered, reaching a hand down to fondle Scotty through his jeans.
"My fau - !" Scotty replied breathlessly, arching to lift his hips and press back against Kevin’s palm. "You were the one playing footsie all night. And Justin and Tyler were the ones who snuck out early, making me your ride."
Kevin chuckled as he pulled back slightly, running fingers through Scotty’s hair as he looked down at him. "I’m going to skip the obvious ‘giving me a ride’ comment and point out that you are the one wearing dog tags."
Scotty burst into laughter. "That’s what triggered this? If I had known that..."
"Hmm?" Kevin murmured, as he unbuttoned Scotty’s shirt, kissing each new section of exposed skin.
"I would’ve put them on months ago."
Kevin shook with silent laughter. He moved back up Scotty’s body, rubbing slowly. When they were face-to-face again, Kevin leaned in to nibble Scotty’s earlobe. "Do you still have your uniform?" he asked.
Scotty ran his hand down Kevin’s back and slid the tips of his fingers underneath Kevin’s waistband. Forcing Kevin closer to him, he replied, "No. Sorry."
"Damn."
"I have a T-shirt that says Army. And I could get some camouflage pants at a hunting store or something."
"That could work."
Scotty grinned. "Improvisation."
Kevin pulled back again, raising himself to his knees and reaching to Scotty’s pants. He began to unbutton them. Scotty quickly grabbed his hands.
"Whoa, whoa." Then Scotty sighed. "Gotta go upstairs."
Kevin nodded. "You’re right. I don’t want to get caught getting busy in a 1970s Ranchero, beautiful as it is."
Scotty smiled apologetically. "I mean...you have to go upstairs; I have to go home."
Kevin’s shoulders fell. "Yeah. Yeah, OK."
He ran his hands across his face, then maneuvered backwards, climbing off of Scotty and opening the door. Scotty sat up, moving to the passenger side. Kevin turned around and leaned back into the car.
"I’m going to go upstairs, take a cold shower, and try not to hate you."
Scotty grinned. "Make it a hot shower, and think of me the entire time."
Kevin groaned. "I do hate you."
Scotty laughed. "Too bad because I love you." He immediately looked shocked. "Um, I mean..."
Kevin began to smile. He leaned in, kissing Scotty one more time. "I love you too," he whispered. "Good night."
***
"I thought you weren’t dating anyone," Tracy remarked as she added some spices to the pot.
"I’m not," Scotty said from the other corner of his kitchen, where he was chopping carrots.
"Then what was up with you and Kevin last weekend?"
"Kevin and I..." Scotty said, nodding his head evasively, "are just friends."
"Uh-huh. How come you two couldn’t take your eyes off each other?"
Scotty turned to look at Tracy; she raised her eyebrows at him.
"OK, fine," he said, and Tracy nodded at the confirmation of her suspicions. "We have an...understanding."
"What does that mean?" Tracy asked, laughing.
"It means that I’m not in a good place right now, and we agreed to be just friends until I’m ready for more."
"OK. I need more details."
"I knew you were going to say that."
Tracy filled two plates and brought them over to the table. "Yep. So spill. The downside of being friends with girls is you have to talk about your feelings."
Scotty sat down, laughing. "Oh my God, that’s all I ever do anymore."
***
"It was quite bizarre. I’m not really used to talking about my love life."
"I think it’s cute. She’s your first fa - "
"If you actually use that hideous term to describe my friend, I will lose all respect for you."
Kevin snickered. "So what did you talk about?"
"You, you big narcissist."
"Yeah? What’d you say about me?"
"Mmm," Scotty replied, smiling. "That’s a secret."
"Good secret or bad secret?"
Scotty lifted the end of the string on his hoodie, rolling the knot back and forth between his fingers. "What do you think?"
Kevin sighed. Scotty could hear him moving on the other end of the line. "Who else did you talk about?"
"Um...Joe."
"Uh-huh. Who else?"
"That’s," Scotty cleared his throat, "pretty much it. I mean, there were a couple guys here and there, but...nothing serious."
Kevin paused. "So when you said you didn’t have that much experience...what exactly have you done?"
"Are you fishing for phone sex?"
"No!" Kevin said, laughing. "But it’s important to know each other’s history and, and preferences and whatnot."
Scotty took a deep breath. "What have I done?" he repeated.
"Yeah."
"With a man?"
"Of course."
"Not counting what we’ve done?"
"Quit stalling."
"Kissing. Handjobs. Blowjob."
"Singular?"
"Yeah."
"Giving or receiving?"
"Receiving."
"OK. Go on."
"That’s it."
"That’s it? You’ve never...?"
Scotty swallowed. "I wasn’t out until right before I left! And afterwards - "
"I know! I’m not - I mean, it’s fine. I just kind of feel like a slut now."
"How many guys have you been with?"
"Oh...um..."
"It’s taking you way too long to answer that question."
"I’m counting!"
"God," Scotty muttered, covering his face with his hand.
"I am older than you, you know."
"That’s not what I mean," Scotty said, sitting upright. "It’s just...how can I comp...I want it to be - "
"Scotty, it will be. And, you know, some guys don’t ever actually - "
"Do you?"
Kevin paused. "Yeah. Usually."
"And would you be OK with it if we never did?"
"I would never make you do anything you didn’t want or weren’t ready for."
"OK, in therapy, we’re doing this thing where I have to be forceful about who I am and what I want and not try to please other people. You try it."
"Fine. It’s something I enjoy. I would miss it if you decided it wasn’t your thing."
"Was that so hard?"
"A little bit, yeah."
Scotty fell back onto his bed with a sigh. "I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ve been, um, practicing a bit, and I think it’s definitely something I’d want to try more of."
There was silence on the other end.
"Kevin?" Scotty asked.
"OK," Kevin said, clearing his throat. "If you don’t want phone sex, you better hang up now, because I’m coming in a few minutes whether you’re with me or not."
Scotty grinned. "Have a good night."
"Oh, I will, baby."
Scotty rolled over, smiling as he hung up the phone. Returning to his back, he sighed and nodded to himself. It had been kind of an uncomfortable conversation, but they needed to have it. And he was proud of himself for how he handled it. They had reached a new level of honesty and intimacy with each -
"Ah, screw it," he muttered, reaching down to unbutton his pants.
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Scotty gulped several breaths, incredibly embarrassed at his emotional reaction.
"I’m sorry; I’m sorry."
Dr. Harris sat next to him, a hand on his shoulder and the other holding a box of Kleenex.
"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for," she said. "This is what therapy is about - bringing up and processing difficult topics. We need to look at these issues in a healthy and productive manner. Crying is good, Scotty. It’s cathartic."
"Shouldn’t I be learning how to think things through instead of just reacting?"
"Sure. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel at all. The more you attempt to control your emotions, the more they control you."
"That is such a therapy thing to say."
Dr. Harris smiled. "Well, I’m a therapist. Seriously, Scotty. Have you ever cried about your parents’ response before?"
Scotty stared straight ahead. "No," he finally said. "There were a couple times where I fought it - when it first happened, after I went to visit them. But mostly I just...I felt numb."
"How’d that work for you?"
Scotty laughed humorlessly. "Not bad. Feeling nothing is better than feeling...this."
"Is it? And is that why you were flooding your system with painkillers?"
Scotty didn’t say anything.
"Don’t be scared of emotions, Scotty," Dr. Harris told him. "You can find a balance between feeling and thinking."
***
"Hello?" Kevin said distractedly.
"Hi, it’s me!"
Kevin sat up straighter, wedging the phone between his ear and shoulder as he moved his laptop to the coffee table. "Hi, what...? It’s Wednesday."
Scotty laughed. "I am aware of that."
Kevin leaned back. "Mr. Wandell, are you breaking the one phone call a week rule?"
"I am, but only because I couldn’t wait until Friday to tell you."
"Tell me what?"
Scotty took a deep breath, pausing for effect. "I got in."
"Got in wh - to cooking school?!" Kevin sat straight up again.
"Yep," Scotty said, the grin evident in his voice.
"That’s so - Scotty, I’m so proud of you."
Scotty smiled. "Thank you," he said softly.
Kevin kicked his feet up on the coffee table, relaxing again. "Tell me everything. When do you start?"
***
The knock at the office door startled both Tyler and Scotty. They glanced up, and Tyler called out to the person on the other side. The door swung open, and Tracy peered around the edge.
"Hi! Sorry to interrupt. Scotty, are you free tonight? My roommate and I are going to karaoke night. I think you two would really hit it off."
Scotty stared at her for a moment. "Oh! Um...Tracy, I’m gay."
Tracy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I figured. So’s he."
Scotty blushed. "Oh. Well, I’m not dating right now. At all."
Tracy’s shoulders fell. "OK, fine. Come anyway, though. It’ll be fun. Tyler, you too."
"Where is it?"
"Cinnamon Jack’s? One of Jordan’s - that’s my roommate - one of his friends works there."
Scotty nodded slowly. "I’ll let you know," he finally said.
"Great! See you guys!"
Tracy left the office, and Scotty returned to his work. Tyler stared at him for a few seconds, before asking, "Are you going to go?"
"I don’t know. Probably not."
"What? Why not?"
Scotty looked up at her. "I haven’t been to a bar since...everything. I mean, I was never much of a drinker, but - I don’t know if it’s a good idea."
Tyler stared at him for a few seconds, then she reached over for her phone. "Scotty," she said as she dialed. "First of all, you’ve had how many dinners at the Walker house? They go through more alcohol than most bars do. And second, this is an important step - realizing you can have a social life and go out and still make good decisions."
"Who are you calling?"
"Justin. We’ll go with you for moral sup - Justin? It’s Tyler. Guess what we’re doing tonight."
Scotty grinned as he listened to her side of the conversation. Tyler could be...unstoppable.
"Hold on - I’ll ask. Scotty?"
Scotty raised his eyebrows. "Hmm."
"Kevin’s with him. He wants to know if he can come."
"Um...I think...probably...I’ll check with Tracy, but...why not?"
Tyler tried to hide her amusement at Scotty’s response as she returned to her conversation with Justin.
***
"Sarah’s going to be jealous!" Justin said loudly over the sounds of the bar.
Scotty turned away from his conversation with Tracy and Jordan. "Why?"
"She loves gay bars," Justin explained.
Scotty glanced across the table at Kevin, who nodded in agreement. Scotty looked at him a few seconds longer before turning away again...briefly. It had been quite some time since they had seen each other outside of Nora’s dining room, since they had spoken in person rather than on the phone. Scotty found himself looking at Kevin again and again. He had thought that making sure they were on opposite sides of the table would be the best plan, but he had forgotten that that meant they could stare at each other regularly. And he had forgotten that Kevin was a damn cheater, who had "accidentally" brushed his foot against Scotty’s foot or calf at least ten times now.
Make that eleven. Scotty narrowed his eyes at Kevin, and Kevin looked back in feigned innocence.
"Dude, are you wearing a necklace?" Justin interrupted, and Scotty faced him again.
"What?"
Justin pointed at his own neck, and Scotty looked down. He laughed when he saw the chain. "No, no. Dog tags." He pulled them out from under his shirt. "I found them in a drawer earlier this evening and threw them on for safekeeping. I completely forgot I was wearing them."
Scotty glanced at Kevin again. Kevin’s mouth was slightly open, and it looked like his pupils were dilated even larger than they had just been in the dark bar. Scotty raised an eyebrow questioningly, and Kevin closed his mouth, swallowing.
***
The bitter tang of metal against the salty sweetness of skin was quite possibly the sexiest thing Kevin had ever tasted. He ran his tongue and his teeth along the ridge of Scotty’s collar bone before picking up the chain in his mouth and sucking on it.
"We shouldn’t - " Scotty moaned, pushing himself against the car door in an attempt to back away even as he maintained a death grip on the flaps of Kevin’s jacket.
"It’s all your fault," Kevin muttered, reaching a hand down to fondle Scotty through his jeans.
"My fau - !" Scotty replied breathlessly, arching to lift his hips and press back against Kevin’s palm. "You were the one playing footsie all night. And Justin and Tyler were the ones who snuck out early, making me your ride."
Kevin chuckled as he pulled back slightly, running fingers through Scotty’s hair as he looked down at him. "I’m going to skip the obvious ‘giving me a ride’ comment and point out that you are the one wearing dog tags."
Scotty burst into laughter. "That’s what triggered this? If I had known that..."
"Hmm?" Kevin murmured, as he unbuttoned Scotty’s shirt, kissing each new section of exposed skin.
"I would’ve put them on months ago."
Kevin shook with silent laughter. He moved back up Scotty’s body, rubbing slowly. When they were face-to-face again, Kevin leaned in to nibble Scotty’s earlobe. "Do you still have your uniform?" he asked.
Scotty ran his hand down Kevin’s back and slid the tips of his fingers underneath Kevin’s waistband. Forcing Kevin closer to him, he replied, "No. Sorry."
"Damn."
"I have a T-shirt that says Army. And I could get some camouflage pants at a hunting store or something."
"That could work."
Scotty grinned. "Improvisation."
Kevin pulled back again, raising himself to his knees and reaching to Scotty’s pants. He began to unbutton them. Scotty quickly grabbed his hands.
"Whoa, whoa." Then Scotty sighed. "Gotta go upstairs."
Kevin nodded. "You’re right. I don’t want to get caught getting busy in a 1970s Ranchero, beautiful as it is."
Scotty smiled apologetically. "I mean...you have to go upstairs; I have to go home."
Kevin’s shoulders fell. "Yeah. Yeah, OK."
He ran his hands across his face, then maneuvered backwards, climbing off of Scotty and opening the door. Scotty sat up, moving to the passenger side. Kevin turned around and leaned back into the car.
"I’m going to go upstairs, take a cold shower, and try not to hate you."
Scotty grinned. "Make it a hot shower, and think of me the entire time."
Kevin groaned. "I do hate you."
Scotty laughed. "Too bad because I love you." He immediately looked shocked. "Um, I mean..."
Kevin began to smile. He leaned in, kissing Scotty one more time. "I love you too," he whispered. "Good night."
***
"I thought you weren’t dating anyone," Tracy remarked as she added some spices to the pot.
"I’m not," Scotty said from the other corner of his kitchen, where he was chopping carrots.
"Then what was up with you and Kevin last weekend?"
"Kevin and I..." Scotty said, nodding his head evasively, "are just friends."
"Uh-huh. How come you two couldn’t take your eyes off each other?"
Scotty turned to look at Tracy; she raised her eyebrows at him.
"OK, fine," he said, and Tracy nodded at the confirmation of her suspicions. "We have an...understanding."
"What does that mean?" Tracy asked, laughing.
"It means that I’m not in a good place right now, and we agreed to be just friends until I’m ready for more."
"OK. I need more details."
"I knew you were going to say that."
Tracy filled two plates and brought them over to the table. "Yep. So spill. The downside of being friends with girls is you have to talk about your feelings."
Scotty sat down, laughing. "Oh my God, that’s all I ever do anymore."
***
"It was quite bizarre. I’m not really used to talking about my love life."
"I think it’s cute. She’s your first fa - "
"If you actually use that hideous term to describe my friend, I will lose all respect for you."
Kevin snickered. "So what did you talk about?"
"You, you big narcissist."
"Yeah? What’d you say about me?"
"Mmm," Scotty replied, smiling. "That’s a secret."
"Good secret or bad secret?"
Scotty lifted the end of the string on his hoodie, rolling the knot back and forth between his fingers. "What do you think?"
Kevin sighed. Scotty could hear him moving on the other end of the line. "Who else did you talk about?"
"Um...Joe."
"Uh-huh. Who else?"
"That’s," Scotty cleared his throat, "pretty much it. I mean, there were a couple guys here and there, but...nothing serious."
Kevin paused. "So when you said you didn’t have that much experience...what exactly have you done?"
"Are you fishing for phone sex?"
"No!" Kevin said, laughing. "But it’s important to know each other’s history and, and preferences and whatnot."
Scotty took a deep breath. "What have I done?" he repeated.
"Yeah."
"With a man?"
"Of course."
"Not counting what we’ve done?"
"Quit stalling."
"Kissing. Handjobs. Blowjob."
"Singular?"
"Yeah."
"Giving or receiving?"
"Receiving."
"OK. Go on."
"That’s it."
"That’s it? You’ve never...?"
Scotty swallowed. "I wasn’t out until right before I left! And afterwards - "
"I know! I’m not - I mean, it’s fine. I just kind of feel like a slut now."
"How many guys have you been with?"
"Oh...um..."
"It’s taking you way too long to answer that question."
"I’m counting!"
"God," Scotty muttered, covering his face with his hand.
"I am older than you, you know."
"That’s not what I mean," Scotty said, sitting upright. "It’s just...how can I comp...I want it to be - "
"Scotty, it will be. And, you know, some guys don’t ever actually - "
"Do you?"
Kevin paused. "Yeah. Usually."
"And would you be OK with it if we never did?"
"I would never make you do anything you didn’t want or weren’t ready for."
"OK, in therapy, we’re doing this thing where I have to be forceful about who I am and what I want and not try to please other people. You try it."
"Fine. It’s something I enjoy. I would miss it if you decided it wasn’t your thing."
"Was that so hard?"
"A little bit, yeah."
Scotty fell back onto his bed with a sigh. "I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ve been, um, practicing a bit, and I think it’s definitely something I’d want to try more of."
There was silence on the other end.
"Kevin?" Scotty asked.
"OK," Kevin said, clearing his throat. "If you don’t want phone sex, you better hang up now, because I’m coming in a few minutes whether you’re with me or not."
Scotty grinned. "Have a good night."
"Oh, I will, baby."
Scotty rolled over, smiling as he hung up the phone. Returning to his back, he sighed and nodded to himself. It had been kind of an uncomfortable conversation, but they needed to have it. And he was proud of himself for how he handled it. They had reached a new level of honesty and intimacy with each -
"Ah, screw it," he muttered, reaching down to unbutton his pants.
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