A Poetic Education - Saki
“I am sure you can tell that they are very good boys at heart - why, Mr Sangrail!” the Baroness exclaimed.
For at those words Clovis had started choking quite violently. The Baroness worked the bell-push, but by the time the butler appeared, he had recovered enough to wave the man off. To be the victim of an apple-pie bed, a drawing pin on his chair, then slapped on the back by a butler, all in the space of twenty-four hours, went beyond the level of indignity he was prepared to endure. Still gasping slightly, he assured his hostess that he was well.
“I am sorry our fruit-cake disagrees with you,” she said coldly when they were once more alone. “All our other visitors find it quite excellent. Perhaps taking slightly smaller mouthfuls would be more prudent.”
Clovis, who had merely been nibbling at the fruit-cake, though not doubting its quality, reflected that a considerable latitude is allowed to women in their maternal role. Anyone else with a perception of reality as amiss as that of mothers concerning their offspring would soon find themselves in the presence of stern-faced doctors signing certificates, quite probably accompanied by male nurses bearing strait-jackets.
His usual policy in such circumstances was that it is safest to leave the deluded to their illusions. But there are limits to everything.
“Madam, I am sure that in maturity Algernon and David may develop impressive qualities - well, at any rate, human qualities,” he said in his most conciliating tone. “But just at the moment, their behaviour does perhaps leave a tiny bit to be desired. No, please do not apologize again, your maid has patched me up quite well, perhaps I will even avoid a scar. Still... do you not think that they maybe run a little wild, during the school holidays? Perhaps a live-in tutor would benefit them, on the disciplinary as well as the learning side.”
The Baroness snorted. “We have tried that. Unfortunately the young men working as home tutors nowadays are of very weak quality. Two have left us very suddenly without even the courtesy of a week’s notice. The first one can perhaps understand, although I am quite sure the boys did not mean to set the man’s bedding on fire, that was a mere accident as they set about some more minor mischief. In the case of the second, it was so sudden that we never did discover why he left, and the agency refuse to tell us, or to send us any more replacements.
“It is ironic that learning is so vital for the young, yet seems the very last thing that boys are willing to settle to. We try to provide the best schooling and tutoring for them, but their intellectual energies are devoted almost exclusively to finding ingenious methods of evading the tasks set.”
Clovis nodded. An idea was beginning to dawn. While he had been by no means so badly behaved as his hostess’s offspring, he was young enough to remember the rebelliousness of boyhood, the almost automatic determination to thwart the wishes of adults.
“Have you heard,” he inquired, “of the much admired technique used by Bavarian swineherds?”
The Baroness blinked. This seemed to her a somewhat abrupt change of subject. But Clovis continued undeterred.
“There is a very old proverb to the effect that pigs are such stubborn animals that the best way to lead one forward is to pull backward on its tail. Out of sheer contrariness, the animal will then supposedly walk forward. But in all my travels of the world I have found that it is only in Bavaria that the method is used in practice.”
The Baroness looked doubtful. “Surely if it worked, they would use the method everywhere?”
“It works, but there are certain disadvantages to being in the immediate rear of a pig. Swineherds are not generally the most fastidious of people, but only in Bavaria do they have the fortitude, or perhaps dulling of the senses including in particular that of smell, that they prefer to do it that way. Now in the case of your sons - ”
“Surely you are not likening my sons to pigs!”
“Of course not, or solely in the respect that pigs are on the one hand very intelligent animals, and on the other very stubborn ones. They resent their captivity instinctively, just as boys feel about schools.”
“So what exactly are you suggesting? That we pull our sons backward by the seats of their trousers?”
“Essentially yes, but slightly more subtly. Tell them that you are so disappointed by their school reports that you are prepared to waste no further money. Tell them that you are arranging to send them abroad to train for a life as Bavarian swineherds. You must make the bluff absolutely convincing - the best time to bluff is with four aces! So it is important that you do actually make such preparations, as far as possible within their hearing.
“They will start to get alarmed. It will occur to them that they have after all some capacity for study, and that you have an excellent library here, with such resources as atlases and encyclopaedias and really the entire sum of human knowledge. They will come and beg you: if they somehow do astonishingly well in their holiday work and their start-of-term exams, will you relent?
“This is where you must seem truly harsh. Tell them that such goals are obviously beyond them, they are far too stupid and lazy. Imply further that they are not fit to be given adult knowledge, and you have had second thoughts about the wisdom of entrusting them with the power that learning brings.
“Tell them firmly that they should pass their remaining time here in play: after all, these will almost certainly be the last moments of idleness they will ever enjoy. They will continue to plead. Instead of giving in, lock the doors of the library securely, tell them they are barred from it, and send them out to play. Suddenly their motivation will take a curious turn!”
The Baroness frowned. “Mr Sangrail, this house was once a medieval castle. The library, like the other main rooms, has massive locks and bars, including shutters on the windows. Are you suggesting that we make it truly impregnable?”
Clovis hesitated. Several parts of his anatomy still smarted. The temptation was strong... but where was his sense of morality? What, after all, had Bavaria ever done to him?
“Not absolutely impregnable,” he conceded reluctantly. “But secure enough that it will be a real triumph and relief when they succeed in entering. They will work in secret, of course, fearing that you will discover and remove them, so make sure a good supply of candles is left in there.
“By these tactics, I guarantee that by the start of next term your boys will be quite respectably knowledgeable. I warrant that they will come, if not top, then well above average in every examination that they take hereafter.”
The Baroness looked at him with great scepticism. Then slowly her expression changed. A certain respect seemed to come into her eyes. Almost imperceptibly, she nodded.
Clovis was, as usual, not nearly so certain as he sounded that his scheme would be effective. But as his train sped through the pleasant countryside en route back to London the next day, his heart was untroubled. If his plan worked as claimed, he would have repaid the Baroness well for her hospitality and she would sing his praises throughout Society.
If not, then embarking the thuggish brothers to a life of swineherding would be pure poetic justice for them. And after all, what had Bavaria ever done for him?
It was what an American gambler would call win-either-way.
For at those words Clovis had started choking quite violently. The Baroness worked the bell-push, but by the time the butler appeared, he had recovered enough to wave the man off. To be the victim of an apple-pie bed, a drawing pin on his chair, then slapped on the back by a butler, all in the space of twenty-four hours, went beyond the level of indignity he was prepared to endure. Still gasping slightly, he assured his hostess that he was well.
“I am sorry our fruit-cake disagrees with you,” she said coldly when they were once more alone. “All our other visitors find it quite excellent. Perhaps taking slightly smaller mouthfuls would be more prudent.”
Clovis, who had merely been nibbling at the fruit-cake, though not doubting its quality, reflected that a considerable latitude is allowed to women in their maternal role. Anyone else with a perception of reality as amiss as that of mothers concerning their offspring would soon find themselves in the presence of stern-faced doctors signing certificates, quite probably accompanied by male nurses bearing strait-jackets.
His usual policy in such circumstances was that it is safest to leave the deluded to their illusions. But there are limits to everything.
“Madam, I am sure that in maturity Algernon and David may develop impressive qualities - well, at any rate, human qualities,” he said in his most conciliating tone. “But just at the moment, their behaviour does perhaps leave a tiny bit to be desired. No, please do not apologize again, your maid has patched me up quite well, perhaps I will even avoid a scar. Still... do you not think that they maybe run a little wild, during the school holidays? Perhaps a live-in tutor would benefit them, on the disciplinary as well as the learning side.”
The Baroness snorted. “We have tried that. Unfortunately the young men working as home tutors nowadays are of very weak quality. Two have left us very suddenly without even the courtesy of a week’s notice. The first one can perhaps understand, although I am quite sure the boys did not mean to set the man’s bedding on fire, that was a mere accident as they set about some more minor mischief. In the case of the second, it was so sudden that we never did discover why he left, and the agency refuse to tell us, or to send us any more replacements.
“It is ironic that learning is so vital for the young, yet seems the very last thing that boys are willing to settle to. We try to provide the best schooling and tutoring for them, but their intellectual energies are devoted almost exclusively to finding ingenious methods of evading the tasks set.”
Clovis nodded. An idea was beginning to dawn. While he had been by no means so badly behaved as his hostess’s offspring, he was young enough to remember the rebelliousness of boyhood, the almost automatic determination to thwart the wishes of adults.
“Have you heard,” he inquired, “of the much admired technique used by Bavarian swineherds?”
The Baroness blinked. This seemed to her a somewhat abrupt change of subject. But Clovis continued undeterred.
“There is a very old proverb to the effect that pigs are such stubborn animals that the best way to lead one forward is to pull backward on its tail. Out of sheer contrariness, the animal will then supposedly walk forward. But in all my travels of the world I have found that it is only in Bavaria that the method is used in practice.”
The Baroness looked doubtful. “Surely if it worked, they would use the method everywhere?”
“It works, but there are certain disadvantages to being in the immediate rear of a pig. Swineherds are not generally the most fastidious of people, but only in Bavaria do they have the fortitude, or perhaps dulling of the senses including in particular that of smell, that they prefer to do it that way. Now in the case of your sons - ”
“Surely you are not likening my sons to pigs!”
“Of course not, or solely in the respect that pigs are on the one hand very intelligent animals, and on the other very stubborn ones. They resent their captivity instinctively, just as boys feel about schools.”
“So what exactly are you suggesting? That we pull our sons backward by the seats of their trousers?”
“Essentially yes, but slightly more subtly. Tell them that you are so disappointed by their school reports that you are prepared to waste no further money. Tell them that you are arranging to send them abroad to train for a life as Bavarian swineherds. You must make the bluff absolutely convincing - the best time to bluff is with four aces! So it is important that you do actually make such preparations, as far as possible within their hearing.
“They will start to get alarmed. It will occur to them that they have after all some capacity for study, and that you have an excellent library here, with such resources as atlases and encyclopaedias and really the entire sum of human knowledge. They will come and beg you: if they somehow do astonishingly well in their holiday work and their start-of-term exams, will you relent?
“This is where you must seem truly harsh. Tell them that such goals are obviously beyond them, they are far too stupid and lazy. Imply further that they are not fit to be given adult knowledge, and you have had second thoughts about the wisdom of entrusting them with the power that learning brings.
“Tell them firmly that they should pass their remaining time here in play: after all, these will almost certainly be the last moments of idleness they will ever enjoy. They will continue to plead. Instead of giving in, lock the doors of the library securely, tell them they are barred from it, and send them out to play. Suddenly their motivation will take a curious turn!”
The Baroness frowned. “Mr Sangrail, this house was once a medieval castle. The library, like the other main rooms, has massive locks and bars, including shutters on the windows. Are you suggesting that we make it truly impregnable?”
Clovis hesitated. Several parts of his anatomy still smarted. The temptation was strong... but where was his sense of morality? What, after all, had Bavaria ever done to him?
“Not absolutely impregnable,” he conceded reluctantly. “But secure enough that it will be a real triumph and relief when they succeed in entering. They will work in secret, of course, fearing that you will discover and remove them, so make sure a good supply of candles is left in there.
“By these tactics, I guarantee that by the start of next term your boys will be quite respectably knowledgeable. I warrant that they will come, if not top, then well above average in every examination that they take hereafter.”
The Baroness looked at him with great scepticism. Then slowly her expression changed. A certain respect seemed to come into her eyes. Almost imperceptibly, she nodded.
Clovis was, as usual, not nearly so certain as he sounded that his scheme would be effective. But as his train sped through the pleasant countryside en route back to London the next day, his heart was untroubled. If his plan worked as claimed, he would have repaid the Baroness well for her hospitality and she would sing his praises throughout Society.
If not, then embarking the thuggish brothers to a life of swineherding would be pure poetic justice for them. And after all, what had Bavaria ever done for him?
It was what an American gambler would call win-either-way.