Long Expected Birthday Challenge - August post
Title: The Beast of Needlehole
Author: bagma
Pairing: Frodo/Sam, Merry/Pippin
Rating: PG-13
Word count: ~ 3.200
AN: AU, bordering on crack!fic
Quote: "If any Hobbit stooped for a stone, it was well to get quickly under cover, as all trespassing beasts knew very well."
Summary: Some trespassing beasts are stranger than others
The Trumpet, 4th Wedmath 1415
Mysterious robberies in the North Farthing
It has recently come to the attention of The Trumpet special correspondent in Needlehole, Mr. Olo Hornblower, that a few inhabitants of the North Farthing have been the victims of robbery. Several loaves of bread, cakes, jars of strawberry jam, a basketful of apples and pears, two boxes of chocolates and a quilted blanked had been stolen from some isolated farms during the last fortnight. The Shirrifs have been apprised of the situation and have started to investigate, but the thief's discretion makes it difficult for them to catch him or even get a good description of him.
Mrs Iris Boffin, 112, is the only victim who saw him in action, but as she told our reporter, she had forgotten to put on her spectacles back after taking a nap in her armchair, and her eyesight was not what it used to be. She managed to catch a glimpse of the robber as he was climbing out of the kitchen window, his arms laden, as she found out shortly after his disappearance, with a basket of freshly baked muffins and her favourite blanket, snatched right out of her lap while she was sleeping. Mrs Boffin was still understandably flustered and upset by the time Mr. Hornblower interviewed her, but she was able to describe her attacker as a tallish chap, clothed in black from head to toe, and as nimble as a goat.
"You should have seen him leap out of that window!" Mrs Boffin exclaimed. "You'd have though he had sprout wings or something. And he didn't even drop a single muffin!"
The Trumpet, 11th Wedmath 1415
The Needlehole Robber still on the loose.
As our faithful readers surely remember, a mysterious robber is currently wreaking havoc in the North Farthing (...).
Four more robberies have been reported the last week. The thief is clearly growing more reckless by the day and the Shirrifs had to call for help from the Bounders. But even with twelve determined hobbits beating Bindbole Wood and its surroundings night and day for nearly a week, the robber has still not be found. A few victims spotted him running off with his loot, though, and all of them were struck by his exceptional agility and speed.
The young and strapping Hamson Gamgee, who tried to chase after the thief in order to recover the round of cheese that had practically disappeared under his very eyes as he was fetching it in the pantry, had to give up after a couple furlongs.
"It didn't take me long to see it was useless," Mr. Gamgee explained to Mr. Olo Hornblower, our reporter. "He wasn't as tall as Mrs Boffin said he was and I could see he looked a mite stooped, but he ran like the wind. I can run as fast as the next hobbit, but I hadn't got a ghost of a chance of catching him. The Shirrifs'd best ride swift ponies, believe me! Oh, and he was wearing tight-fitting red breeches. Not the most sensible piece of clothing for a thief, if you ask me, but it didn't seem to stop him from running like mad."
The Trumpet, 18th Wedmath 1415
The Needlehole Robber is not a hobbit, says Shirrif Smallburrow.
Shirrif Smallburrow sounded both offended and frightened as he related his meeting with the mysterious thief to Mr. Hornblower and the company gathered in the common-room of the Smiling Frog, an inn on the Nobottle road. It appears that Mr. Smallburrow has nearly succeeded in catching the infamous Needlehole Robber, and only because the girth of the Shirrif's pony snapped, throwing him just as he was about to grab his prey by the collar, did his courageous attempt ended in failure.
After his third pint, Mr. Smallburrow was feeling refreshed enough to give his fascinated audience a very detailed report of his adventure, too detailed maybe for a few hobbits' peace of mind.
"He was running on all four and he looked like... like a kind of giant black spider. And it was as hairy as a spider, too. I swear, that creature can't be a hobbit!" Shirrif Smallburrow asserted, then paused to drain his fourth tankard and wipe his mouth on his sleeve while the patrons exchanged worried glances and alarmed whispers.
"Hamson Gamgee said the creature wore red breeches, but breeches or not, it's not a hobbit. It's not one of the Big People either, they don't move on all four. No, only a beast would do that. A strange, smart beast, and we don't have the faintest idea what it is and how to catch it," the Shirrif concluded sombrely, his voice ringing dramatically and sending shivers up and down every spine in the room.
The Trumpeth, 25th Wedmath 1415
The Beast of Needlehole has been captured!
The courageous authors of this long-awaited exploit are two hobbits from Hobbiton, Mr. Frodo Baggins and his gardener Samwise Gamgee. They were going for a tramp through Bindbole Wood and had just set up camp near the edge of the woods when they came across the beast and managed to catch it.
Mr. Olo Hornblower had the privilege of meeting our heroes as they were staying at The Smiling Frog before heading back to Hobbiton, and The Trumpet is particularly proud to offer its readers a sensational and exclusive report of his interview with Mr. Baggins and his servant.
As Mr. Baggins told the reporter, everything happened very quickly. It was supper time and as Master Gamgee and himself were coming back to their camp site after a quick wash in a steam, they suddenly heard somebody rummaging through their bags. They had heard rumours about the beast of Needlehole from Samwise's older brother Hamson, so they chose to err on the side of caution and hid behind some raspberry bushes. And then they saw it: a black silhouette wearing red breeches and a red leather collar was going through their baggage, making what Mr.Baggins described as a weird, nearly pitiful whining sound. At this juncture, Mr. Baggins admitted to feeling a little out of his depth, but fortunately Samwise kept his wits about him and saved the day, as Mr. Baggins stated with obvious admiration.
"All trespassing beasts know very well it's well to get under cover if any Hobbit stoops for a stone," Mr. Baggins went on, "but clearly this one wasn't aware of that fact. When Sam picked up a rock and leapt out from the bushes, brandishing his improvised weapon, the beast just dropped the bread it had taken out of my bag and stared at him open-mouthed. The stone hit it right between the eyes and the creature passed out on the spot. We waited a few moments, but when it became obvious it was out cold, we came near it and Sam, who's very good with ropes as well... Don't protest, Sam, you know you are... Well, as I was saying, Sam bound the beast hands and feet, just to be on the safe side. Of course it wasn't very nice of us, I know, but we freed it as soon as we made sure it was inoffensive. Anyway, Leto doesn't seem to hold it against us, now does he?" Mr. Baggins said affectionately, petting the beast that had been sitting quietly on the floor by his chair, eating apples, ever since the beginning of the conversation.
Olo Hornblower must confess that he was feeling a trifle uncomfortable at first with the idea of being in the same room as the Beast of Needlehole, but it quickly became obvious that the said beast was quite shy and not dangerous in the least, and shorter than a Hobbit by a couple inches to boot. The four hands took a little time to get used to, though. According to Mr. Baggins, the creature is actually a monkey, an animal from some unknown land in the south of Middle-earth. Mr. Baggins read about that subject in a book he found in the library of his Uncle Bilbo Baggins years ago, and it would appear that monkeys are pacific creatures that mostly eat fruits and vegetables and never attack Men (or Hobbits), unless they feel threatened or really hungry.
How that particular monkey ended up in the Shire is anyone's guess, but it is likely that the animal escaped its master, as the medallion hanging from its collar, engraved with Leto (probably the monkey's name) on one side and William Heathertoes (its owner's) on the other, seems to indicate. In any case, the animal looks like it is used to being in contact with Hobbits. It is friendly with its captors despite the circumstances of their meeting and it is clearly expecting to be fed by them, which can explain why it resorted to robbing kitchens and pantries rather than trying to find some food in the woods.
"The poor lad was literally starving when we found him," Samwise Gamgee commented. "When he came round, we gave him some of our food and he wolfed it down as though he hadn't eaten in days. He spent the night curled up in a quilted blanket a few feet away from us, and the next day he followed us through the woods with a hopeful expression on his face. It'd have been cruel to abandon him, and seeing as how Mr. Frodo has a heart of gold, he said we'd better to take him in at Bag End until we get hold of his master. I'm sure it's the right thing to do... but still, I can't help but wonder what my Gaffer will have to say about it."
Extracts from the correspondence between Meriadoc Brandybuck and Frodo Baggins
Bag End, 12th Halimath 1415
Dear Merry,
(...) I am certain that by now you must have heard of our little adventure with the Beast of Needlehole or at least read about it in The Trumpet. I do not know how whimsical the whole story has become as it reached Buckland, but it is true that there is a monkey in Bag End, and this monkey -Leto- is the reason why I am writing to you.
Most of the time, Leto is a very congenial guest, easy to please and even-tempered. We just had a little disagreement about the bathroom, which frightened him at first, and we had to coax him into taking a much-needed bath. Or rather, we had to coax her, for we discovered on that occasion that although wearing breeches, Leto is actually a lass, which came as a bit of shock. After all, she is the first female living at Bag End since our great aunt Belladonna Baggins' demise, if you do not take account of Lobelia's curtailed stay while Bilbo was having his Adventure. But as Sam says, Leto is a lot more well-behaved than Lobelia; she is indeed the sweetest lass you can imagine, friendly and very affectionate, and I would not mind having her at home for a long time if it were not for the fact that she absolutely refuses to be alone. She is always with us. A-l-w-a-y-s!
I gather she is afraid of being abandoned again, but the situation is quickly becoming unbearable. We tried to make her sleep alone in the second bedroom, but she spent the whole night whining pitifully (and loudly) and Sam and I did not get a wink of sleep. So we caved in, and now she sleeps on the rug in our bedroom. She is a light sleeper, and every time Sam and I are trying to make love, she wakes up and starts whining and staring at us with big frightened eyes, which tends to put a damper on our nocturnal activities, as you can well imagine. She must think we are fighting. We tried our best to be quiet, but it is not something I am very good at, and anyway Leto's hearing is so keen that the softest moan is enough to wake her up. She has been here for two weeks now, and I have not been so frustrated in years. It is as though I was a tween again and pining for Sam from afar. But now Sam is with me, we sleep in the same bed and it is sheer torture to be so close to him and not being able to do anything but exchange smouldering glances and steal a few chaste kisses.
So we really need to find Leto's owner as soon as possible, and we need your help. As The Trumpet reported it, we suppose he is called William Heathertoes and I have heard that this name is quite common among the Men of Bree. I remember there is still some comings and goings between Buckland and the Bree-land, so do you think it would be possible to send someone in Bree and make him ask after a William Heathertoes character who would have recently lost a monkey? My goodness, doesn't that sound insane? But I would be eternally grateful to you if you managed to locate him.(...)
Brandy Hall, 14th Halimath 1415
Dear Frodo,
First off, I'd like to thank you for your letter and the good laugh I had reading it. Honestly, I am still giggling as I write. Don't start accusing me of heartlessness too quickly, though. Believe me, I feel for you. I'd have helped you anyway, but Pippin and I have been in the same predicament (minus the monkey) as Sam and yourself very recently and the least I can do is to show solidarity with my fellow sufferers.
In our case, the role of the monkey was actually played by Cousin Ilberic, with whom Pippin and I had to share a bedroom last spring. I wasn't exactly happy with these sleeping arrangements (I had been looking forward to having Pippin to myself), but Great Smials was so crowded at this time of year that there were people sleeping in closets, and Aunt Eglantine remained inflexible. So we spent our days entertaining family and our nights listening to Ilberic chattering away. I swear, the lad never sleeps! I hope I wasn't such a pain when I was twenty-four. After a week, Pippin suggested that we should strangle him, and I'm not sure he was joking. He finally agreed that that course of action wasn't entirely appropriate, so we decided to get Cousin Ilberic drunk instead, in the hope he would fall asleep at last and we'd have a little time to ourselves. It worked -for about ten minutes. Pippin and I were just out of our nightshirts and getting to the heart of the matter when Ilberic woke up and began being sick all over his bed. So the whole night was spent cleaning up, bathing his sweaty brow, holding his hand and swearing umpteenth times we wouldn't tell his Mama what had happened. Poor lad. It must be hard to be Hilda Barcegirdle's son, so he's got a good excuse for being an annoying little twerp, I guess.
But I digress. I'll help you, of course, and as I love a good mystery I'll even go to Bree myself. Don't worry, my dear cousin, we'll find your monkey's owner, even if I have to stay a whole year at The Prancing Pony and interrogate every Breelander within a fifty-miles radius of the town. (...)
The Prancing Pony, Bree, 20th Halimath 1415
Dear Frodo,
Just a quick note to let you know that I found William Heathertoes today. He's one of the Big People and is the manager of the Starlight Circus. He was on tour with his company and they were en route from Bree to the White Downs, when Leto went missing. It happened three months ago and he has since been moving heaven and earth in order to find her. He was deliriously happy when I told him she has been taken in by my cousin and was safe and sound. Apparently she's the star attraction on the programme (you'd better watch your cutlery, by the way; I've been told she's very good at throwing knifes), but she's very curious and has a tendency to wander around, and they already lost her a couple times.
So I'll be back with Mr. Heathertoes and his company at the end of the week. It would be wonderful if they were able to park their caravans somewhere near Hobbiton. Maybe in the Party Field?
See you soon!
Merry
The Trumpet, 23th Halimath 1415
The story of the Beast of Needlehole comes to a happy ending.
Our readers will surely be glad to hear that the monkey Leto, formerly known as the Beast of Needlehole, has been reunited with her master Mr. Heathertoes in Hobbiton yesterday. They were both happy and relieved, although Leto did appear somewhat saddened to leave Mr. Baggins and Samwise Gamgee. A crowd of about two hundred hobbits witnessed their reunion, which took place in the Party Field, and for many of them, our reporter Olo Hornblower included, it was the first time they had the opportunity to see Big People in the flesh.
Everybody agreed that they sounded very nice despite their height and their hairless feet, and the fact that Mr. Heathertoes, as the manager of the Starlight Circus, offered a free performance to anybody who wanted to attend only added to the general feeling of approbation. The audience will not forget the huge stripped big top, the exploits of the acrobats and the sight of strange animals (not to mention the stunning way Leto was juggling with knifes) in quite a while, there is no doubt about it.
Master Hamfast Gamgee, interviewed by Olo Hornblower during the collation that followed the performance, was not even trying to hide his astonishment.
"I've never seen such a thing in my whole life, and that's a fact!" The Gaffer declared around a mouthful of ham sandwich. "Did you see that lass, the one who looked like a pretzel and had her feet about her ears? And that odd beast, like a huge pony with two humps on its back and a scornful expression? And Leto, she's really something, isn't she? And endearing, too. Still, I've got to say I'm sort of happy she won't be living in Bag End any more. It was quite a responsibility, and I could see my Sam's temper was getting more frayed by the day, and Mr. Frodo's too, for that matter. And no, I don't know where they're hiding. You'd better ask Mr. Brandybuck. I saw him talking with Mr. Frodo and Sam five minutes ago. They looked as though they were in a hurry."
But Mr. Baggins and his servant were nowhere to be seen, and Mr. Brandybuck's evasive answer ("Frodo and Sam? I haven't the faintest idea where they are. They just said they had some urgent matter to settle... If I were you, I wouldn't wait for them.") proved to be less than useful. So instead of concluding his article with an interview with the heroes of the day, Olo Hornblower had to make do with a lively discussion with the Gaffer. The conversation was surprisingly entertaining but a little disjointed, especially after the fourth pint, and unfortunately the reporter's memories are somewhat muddled. But as Master Hamfast said, there's no point raking one's brains to find big words when one can end a story with a nice All's well as ends well.
Author: bagma
Pairing: Frodo/Sam, Merry/Pippin
Rating: PG-13
Word count: ~ 3.200
AN: AU, bordering on crack!fic
Quote: "If any Hobbit stooped for a stone, it was well to get quickly under cover, as all trespassing beasts knew very well."
Summary: Some trespassing beasts are stranger than others
The Trumpet, 4th Wedmath 1415
Mysterious robberies in the North Farthing
It has recently come to the attention of The Trumpet special correspondent in Needlehole, Mr. Olo Hornblower, that a few inhabitants of the North Farthing have been the victims of robbery. Several loaves of bread, cakes, jars of strawberry jam, a basketful of apples and pears, two boxes of chocolates and a quilted blanked had been stolen from some isolated farms during the last fortnight. The Shirrifs have been apprised of the situation and have started to investigate, but the thief's discretion makes it difficult for them to catch him or even get a good description of him.
Mrs Iris Boffin, 112, is the only victim who saw him in action, but as she told our reporter, she had forgotten to put on her spectacles back after taking a nap in her armchair, and her eyesight was not what it used to be. She managed to catch a glimpse of the robber as he was climbing out of the kitchen window, his arms laden, as she found out shortly after his disappearance, with a basket of freshly baked muffins and her favourite blanket, snatched right out of her lap while she was sleeping. Mrs Boffin was still understandably flustered and upset by the time Mr. Hornblower interviewed her, but she was able to describe her attacker as a tallish chap, clothed in black from head to toe, and as nimble as a goat.
"You should have seen him leap out of that window!" Mrs Boffin exclaimed. "You'd have though he had sprout wings or something. And he didn't even drop a single muffin!"
The Trumpet, 11th Wedmath 1415
The Needlehole Robber still on the loose.
As our faithful readers surely remember, a mysterious robber is currently wreaking havoc in the North Farthing (...).
Four more robberies have been reported the last week. The thief is clearly growing more reckless by the day and the Shirrifs had to call for help from the Bounders. But even with twelve determined hobbits beating Bindbole Wood and its surroundings night and day for nearly a week, the robber has still not be found. A few victims spotted him running off with his loot, though, and all of them were struck by his exceptional agility and speed.
The young and strapping Hamson Gamgee, who tried to chase after the thief in order to recover the round of cheese that had practically disappeared under his very eyes as he was fetching it in the pantry, had to give up after a couple furlongs.
"It didn't take me long to see it was useless," Mr. Gamgee explained to Mr. Olo Hornblower, our reporter. "He wasn't as tall as Mrs Boffin said he was and I could see he looked a mite stooped, but he ran like the wind. I can run as fast as the next hobbit, but I hadn't got a ghost of a chance of catching him. The Shirrifs'd best ride swift ponies, believe me! Oh, and he was wearing tight-fitting red breeches. Not the most sensible piece of clothing for a thief, if you ask me, but it didn't seem to stop him from running like mad."
The Trumpet, 18th Wedmath 1415
The Needlehole Robber is not a hobbit, says Shirrif Smallburrow.
Shirrif Smallburrow sounded both offended and frightened as he related his meeting with the mysterious thief to Mr. Hornblower and the company gathered in the common-room of the Smiling Frog, an inn on the Nobottle road. It appears that Mr. Smallburrow has nearly succeeded in catching the infamous Needlehole Robber, and only because the girth of the Shirrif's pony snapped, throwing him just as he was about to grab his prey by the collar, did his courageous attempt ended in failure.
After his third pint, Mr. Smallburrow was feeling refreshed enough to give his fascinated audience a very detailed report of his adventure, too detailed maybe for a few hobbits' peace of mind.
"He was running on all four and he looked like... like a kind of giant black spider. And it was as hairy as a spider, too. I swear, that creature can't be a hobbit!" Shirrif Smallburrow asserted, then paused to drain his fourth tankard and wipe his mouth on his sleeve while the patrons exchanged worried glances and alarmed whispers.
"Hamson Gamgee said the creature wore red breeches, but breeches or not, it's not a hobbit. It's not one of the Big People either, they don't move on all four. No, only a beast would do that. A strange, smart beast, and we don't have the faintest idea what it is and how to catch it," the Shirrif concluded sombrely, his voice ringing dramatically and sending shivers up and down every spine in the room.
The Trumpeth, 25th Wedmath 1415
The Beast of Needlehole has been captured!
The courageous authors of this long-awaited exploit are two hobbits from Hobbiton, Mr. Frodo Baggins and his gardener Samwise Gamgee. They were going for a tramp through Bindbole Wood and had just set up camp near the edge of the woods when they came across the beast and managed to catch it.
Mr. Olo Hornblower had the privilege of meeting our heroes as they were staying at The Smiling Frog before heading back to Hobbiton, and The Trumpet is particularly proud to offer its readers a sensational and exclusive report of his interview with Mr. Baggins and his servant.
As Mr. Baggins told the reporter, everything happened very quickly. It was supper time and as Master Gamgee and himself were coming back to their camp site after a quick wash in a steam, they suddenly heard somebody rummaging through their bags. They had heard rumours about the beast of Needlehole from Samwise's older brother Hamson, so they chose to err on the side of caution and hid behind some raspberry bushes. And then they saw it: a black silhouette wearing red breeches and a red leather collar was going through their baggage, making what Mr.Baggins described as a weird, nearly pitiful whining sound. At this juncture, Mr. Baggins admitted to feeling a little out of his depth, but fortunately Samwise kept his wits about him and saved the day, as Mr. Baggins stated with obvious admiration.
"All trespassing beasts know very well it's well to get under cover if any Hobbit stoops for a stone," Mr. Baggins went on, "but clearly this one wasn't aware of that fact. When Sam picked up a rock and leapt out from the bushes, brandishing his improvised weapon, the beast just dropped the bread it had taken out of my bag and stared at him open-mouthed. The stone hit it right between the eyes and the creature passed out on the spot. We waited a few moments, but when it became obvious it was out cold, we came near it and Sam, who's very good with ropes as well... Don't protest, Sam, you know you are... Well, as I was saying, Sam bound the beast hands and feet, just to be on the safe side. Of course it wasn't very nice of us, I know, but we freed it as soon as we made sure it was inoffensive. Anyway, Leto doesn't seem to hold it against us, now does he?" Mr. Baggins said affectionately, petting the beast that had been sitting quietly on the floor by his chair, eating apples, ever since the beginning of the conversation.
Olo Hornblower must confess that he was feeling a trifle uncomfortable at first with the idea of being in the same room as the Beast of Needlehole, but it quickly became obvious that the said beast was quite shy and not dangerous in the least, and shorter than a Hobbit by a couple inches to boot. The four hands took a little time to get used to, though. According to Mr. Baggins, the creature is actually a monkey, an animal from some unknown land in the south of Middle-earth. Mr. Baggins read about that subject in a book he found in the library of his Uncle Bilbo Baggins years ago, and it would appear that monkeys are pacific creatures that mostly eat fruits and vegetables and never attack Men (or Hobbits), unless they feel threatened or really hungry.
How that particular monkey ended up in the Shire is anyone's guess, but it is likely that the animal escaped its master, as the medallion hanging from its collar, engraved with Leto (probably the monkey's name) on one side and William Heathertoes (its owner's) on the other, seems to indicate. In any case, the animal looks like it is used to being in contact with Hobbits. It is friendly with its captors despite the circumstances of their meeting and it is clearly expecting to be fed by them, which can explain why it resorted to robbing kitchens and pantries rather than trying to find some food in the woods.
"The poor lad was literally starving when we found him," Samwise Gamgee commented. "When he came round, we gave him some of our food and he wolfed it down as though he hadn't eaten in days. He spent the night curled up in a quilted blanket a few feet away from us, and the next day he followed us through the woods with a hopeful expression on his face. It'd have been cruel to abandon him, and seeing as how Mr. Frodo has a heart of gold, he said we'd better to take him in at Bag End until we get hold of his master. I'm sure it's the right thing to do... but still, I can't help but wonder what my Gaffer will have to say about it."
Extracts from the correspondence between Meriadoc Brandybuck and Frodo Baggins
Bag End, 12th Halimath 1415
Dear Merry,
(...) I am certain that by now you must have heard of our little adventure with the Beast of Needlehole or at least read about it in The Trumpet. I do not know how whimsical the whole story has become as it reached Buckland, but it is true that there is a monkey in Bag End, and this monkey -Leto- is the reason why I am writing to you.
Most of the time, Leto is a very congenial guest, easy to please and even-tempered. We just had a little disagreement about the bathroom, which frightened him at first, and we had to coax him into taking a much-needed bath. Or rather, we had to coax her, for we discovered on that occasion that although wearing breeches, Leto is actually a lass, which came as a bit of shock. After all, she is the first female living at Bag End since our great aunt Belladonna Baggins' demise, if you do not take account of Lobelia's curtailed stay while Bilbo was having his Adventure. But as Sam says, Leto is a lot more well-behaved than Lobelia; she is indeed the sweetest lass you can imagine, friendly and very affectionate, and I would not mind having her at home for a long time if it were not for the fact that she absolutely refuses to be alone. She is always with us. A-l-w-a-y-s!
I gather she is afraid of being abandoned again, but the situation is quickly becoming unbearable. We tried to make her sleep alone in the second bedroom, but she spent the whole night whining pitifully (and loudly) and Sam and I did not get a wink of sleep. So we caved in, and now she sleeps on the rug in our bedroom. She is a light sleeper, and every time Sam and I are trying to make love, she wakes up and starts whining and staring at us with big frightened eyes, which tends to put a damper on our nocturnal activities, as you can well imagine. She must think we are fighting. We tried our best to be quiet, but it is not something I am very good at, and anyway Leto's hearing is so keen that the softest moan is enough to wake her up. She has been here for two weeks now, and I have not been so frustrated in years. It is as though I was a tween again and pining for Sam from afar. But now Sam is with me, we sleep in the same bed and it is sheer torture to be so close to him and not being able to do anything but exchange smouldering glances and steal a few chaste kisses.
So we really need to find Leto's owner as soon as possible, and we need your help. As The Trumpet reported it, we suppose he is called William Heathertoes and I have heard that this name is quite common among the Men of Bree. I remember there is still some comings and goings between Buckland and the Bree-land, so do you think it would be possible to send someone in Bree and make him ask after a William Heathertoes character who would have recently lost a monkey? My goodness, doesn't that sound insane? But I would be eternally grateful to you if you managed to locate him.(...)
Brandy Hall, 14th Halimath 1415
Dear Frodo,
First off, I'd like to thank you for your letter and the good laugh I had reading it. Honestly, I am still giggling as I write. Don't start accusing me of heartlessness too quickly, though. Believe me, I feel for you. I'd have helped you anyway, but Pippin and I have been in the same predicament (minus the monkey) as Sam and yourself very recently and the least I can do is to show solidarity with my fellow sufferers.
In our case, the role of the monkey was actually played by Cousin Ilberic, with whom Pippin and I had to share a bedroom last spring. I wasn't exactly happy with these sleeping arrangements (I had been looking forward to having Pippin to myself), but Great Smials was so crowded at this time of year that there were people sleeping in closets, and Aunt Eglantine remained inflexible. So we spent our days entertaining family and our nights listening to Ilberic chattering away. I swear, the lad never sleeps! I hope I wasn't such a pain when I was twenty-four. After a week, Pippin suggested that we should strangle him, and I'm not sure he was joking. He finally agreed that that course of action wasn't entirely appropriate, so we decided to get Cousin Ilberic drunk instead, in the hope he would fall asleep at last and we'd have a little time to ourselves. It worked -for about ten minutes. Pippin and I were just out of our nightshirts and getting to the heart of the matter when Ilberic woke up and began being sick all over his bed. So the whole night was spent cleaning up, bathing his sweaty brow, holding his hand and swearing umpteenth times we wouldn't tell his Mama what had happened. Poor lad. It must be hard to be Hilda Barcegirdle's son, so he's got a good excuse for being an annoying little twerp, I guess.
But I digress. I'll help you, of course, and as I love a good mystery I'll even go to Bree myself. Don't worry, my dear cousin, we'll find your monkey's owner, even if I have to stay a whole year at The Prancing Pony and interrogate every Breelander within a fifty-miles radius of the town. (...)
The Prancing Pony, Bree, 20th Halimath 1415
Dear Frodo,
Just a quick note to let you know that I found William Heathertoes today. He's one of the Big People and is the manager of the Starlight Circus. He was on tour with his company and they were en route from Bree to the White Downs, when Leto went missing. It happened three months ago and he has since been moving heaven and earth in order to find her. He was deliriously happy when I told him she has been taken in by my cousin and was safe and sound. Apparently she's the star attraction on the programme (you'd better watch your cutlery, by the way; I've been told she's very good at throwing knifes), but she's very curious and has a tendency to wander around, and they already lost her a couple times.
So I'll be back with Mr. Heathertoes and his company at the end of the week. It would be wonderful if they were able to park their caravans somewhere near Hobbiton. Maybe in the Party Field?
See you soon!
Merry
The Trumpet, 23th Halimath 1415
The story of the Beast of Needlehole comes to a happy ending.
Our readers will surely be glad to hear that the monkey Leto, formerly known as the Beast of Needlehole, has been reunited with her master Mr. Heathertoes in Hobbiton yesterday. They were both happy and relieved, although Leto did appear somewhat saddened to leave Mr. Baggins and Samwise Gamgee. A crowd of about two hundred hobbits witnessed their reunion, which took place in the Party Field, and for many of them, our reporter Olo Hornblower included, it was the first time they had the opportunity to see Big People in the flesh.
Everybody agreed that they sounded very nice despite their height and their hairless feet, and the fact that Mr. Heathertoes, as the manager of the Starlight Circus, offered a free performance to anybody who wanted to attend only added to the general feeling of approbation. The audience will not forget the huge stripped big top, the exploits of the acrobats and the sight of strange animals (not to mention the stunning way Leto was juggling with knifes) in quite a while, there is no doubt about it.
Master Hamfast Gamgee, interviewed by Olo Hornblower during the collation that followed the performance, was not even trying to hide his astonishment.
"I've never seen such a thing in my whole life, and that's a fact!" The Gaffer declared around a mouthful of ham sandwich. "Did you see that lass, the one who looked like a pretzel and had her feet about her ears? And that odd beast, like a huge pony with two humps on its back and a scornful expression? And Leto, she's really something, isn't she? And endearing, too. Still, I've got to say I'm sort of happy she won't be living in Bag End any more. It was quite a responsibility, and I could see my Sam's temper was getting more frayed by the day, and Mr. Frodo's too, for that matter. And no, I don't know where they're hiding. You'd better ask Mr. Brandybuck. I saw him talking with Mr. Frodo and Sam five minutes ago. They looked as though they were in a hurry."
But Mr. Baggins and his servant were nowhere to be seen, and Mr. Brandybuck's evasive answer ("Frodo and Sam? I haven't the faintest idea where they are. They just said they had some urgent matter to settle... If I were you, I wouldn't wait for them.") proved to be less than useful. So instead of concluding his article with an interview with the heroes of the day, Olo Hornblower had to make do with a lively discussion with the Gaffer. The conversation was surprisingly entertaining but a little disjointed, especially after the fourth pint, and unfortunately the reporter's memories are somewhat muddled. But as Master Hamfast said, there's no point raking one's brains to find big words when one can end a story with a nice All's well as ends well.