Life, Underwater- 6/6
Jared had hoped Jensen brushing him off that night had just been a side effect of an overwhelming day, and that a good night’s sleep would fix the situation right up.
It doesn’t.
The better part of the next week is spent with Jensen wedging spaces between them and Jared leaping and bounding to catch up. He isn’t outright cold, doesn’t tell Jared to leave or back off or anything like that. It’s more covert than that, and, as a result, more unsettling.
Jensen gets up early and goes to sleep early. He’s out of bed before Jared is even awake, and pretends to be asleep at night even though they both know he isn’t. His smiles to Jared are awkward, their interactions suddenly stilted and shallow.
Jared wants to say something, almost does, but the wary look in Jensen’s eyes stops him every time. There’s an unspoken please, there, a silent plea to not push, to let things be for once.
So Jared gives him the space, hovering slightly behind, like a parent whose kid is riding his bike for the first time without training wheels. Jared is there and Jensen knows it, knows he’s there with arms open, ready to catch him if he falls.
Jared just isn’t sure if Jensen will let him.
___________________________
On Tuesday, Jensen has his first appointment with his therapist. Her name is Theresa, and it’s on the recommendation of the lawyer Alan hired.
Jared drives him while Alan and Donna meet with said lawyer, the ride quiet and filled with a sense of trepidation. Jensen hadn’t been too keen on the idea when his parents had told him of the appointment, and judging by the rigid set of Jensen in the passenger seat, he still isn’t.
The appointment takes a little over an hour, which Jared spends sitting in the lobby with his nose buried in an issue of Men’s Health. Despite appearances, Jared isn’t actually that interested in “The Ten Hottest Words to Say to a Woman”, though he has been staring at the page for the better part of an hour. His mind is on Jensen, on what he’s saying and how he’s feeling and if he’s okay without him.
Jared knows it’s wrong, but he’s a little jealous of the idea of Jensen talking to Theresa. Jensen has been back a week and a half and has told him virtually nothing of the time he spent away. What he has told Jared has been in pieces and fragments, in little hints dropped here and there like broken shards of glass. Jared has to handle those pieces carefully, knows that too harsh a touch will slice the line of communication and Jensen won’t say another word.
So, yeah, the fact that Jensen is talking to a total stranger about things he won’t even tell Jared is a little annoying. If it will help, though, Jared is all for it. He just wants Jensen back.
Jensen emerges from the heavy door way a bit later, looking a little pale and frazzled. Jared stands, a frown etching his features, and waits for Jensen’s wide eyes to meet his before stepping closer.
“You okay?” he asks, reaching out to touch Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen tolerates the touch for about three seconds before shrugging it off, nodding his head.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”
“Oh. Well, yeah. That’s understandable,” Jared nods, though he knows there has to be more to it than that. “I-”
“Can we go?” Jensen interrupts, eyes sweeping along the lobby. Every aspect of himself conveys uneasiness, from the nervous shuffle of his feet to the tense set of his shoulders.
“Uh, yeah,” Jared murmurs, gesturing towards the door. Jensen pushes past him, shoving the glass door to the clinic open. An older gentleman in a suit makes quick time to put himself between Jensen and Jared, accidentally skimming the back of Jensen’s jacket as he reaches for the door.
The scene plays like slow motion, though Jensen whips around fast enough that Jared can’t reach him in time. By the time Jared reaches him, he is drawing a fist, ready to pop the poor guy in the nose.
“Hey,” Jared breathes, reaching for his arm, careful and slow. “Hey, Jen. It’s okay. It was an accident.”
Jensen spins out of Jared’s grasp and stomps off to the car so quickly that Jared is left standing momentarily with the man Jensen nearly clocked, who looks just as bewildered as Jared feels. Jared offers him an awkward smile before turning on his heel and taking off in the direction Jensen went.
Sliding into the seat of his car, Jared is ready to confront his boyfriend about what exactly that was he just witnessed. What he sees, though, stalls his heart.
Jensen is leaned forward with his forehead resting against his arms on the dashboard, gasping for breath. The realization comes that Jensen is hyperventilating, that he’s having an anxiety attack of some sort, and Jared is snapped into action.
“Whoa, hey,” Jared murmurs, reaching his hand out to rest lightly between Jensen’s shoulder blades. “You’re okay. Breathe, okay?”
He thinks he hears Jensen snort at that, but he also hears him drawn in breaths, slow and even, if not a little shaky.
It takes a minute for Jensen’s breath to even out completely, his head still resting on the dash. Jared lightly rubs calming circles on his back, letting his boyfriend know he isn’t alone.
Finally, Jensen sits up, letting out a shaky breath.
“Are you okay?” Jared asks. He has been asking that a lot lately.
There’s a long moment before Jensen answers with a resolute nod, still avoiding Jared’s eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jared wants to dispute that obvious lie, wants to talk about how Jensen just had a panic attack in a parking lot and nearly punched out someone’s grandpa.
“Are you sure? Maybe we should-”
“It’s fine, Jared,” Jensen snaps, cutting him off midsentence. “Just leave it. Let’s go.”
Jared purses his lips but puts the car in drive. He waits a couple of minutes before speaking again. “You know, we’ll have to talk about this eventually.”
The resounding silence is an answer just the same.
___________________________
On Thursday, Jensen has another appointment with Theresa. Jared isn’t sure if that’s normal, to have two appointments in the same week, but after the episode the other day in the clinic parking lot, he thinks it’s maybe not a bad idea.
This time, a woman in her early twenties and a fashionable suit calls him back into the room about an hour into the appointment, and Jared is coaxed into sitting on the comfortable couch beside a decidedly uncomfortable-looking Jensen.
“Hello,” the woman on facing chair greets. She’s pretty, probably in her forties with a warm complexion and a friendly smile. “I’m Theresa, Jensen’s therapist. And you must be Jared?”
“Yes,” Jared says, fidgeting in his seat. Though the woman seems nice, he can feel her critiquing him, watching his every move. “I, um.”
“I just wanted to meet and touch base with you,” Theresa smiles, glancing between him and Jensen. “Since you’re an important part of Jensen’s life.”
Jared smiles awkwardly at that, glancing to Jensen, who seems very interested in the stain on the coffee table in front of him.
“Just to clarify,” Theresa continues, flipping through her notepad before resting on a page. “Are you seeing anyone? A therapist, I mean?”
“No,” Jared says, sitting up a little straighter. What exactly did Jensen tell her?
“Have you considered doing so?”
“No, I,” he starts, shooting a look towards Jensen. “I was supposed to meet with someone. A grief counselor. But that never happened.”
“Why not?”
“I was. Um,” Jared starts, feeling Jensen’s eyes on him. “I wasn’t ready yet. I was too upset.”
“That’s understandable,” Theresa nods, jotting something down. “It might be a good idea. You’ve been through a lot. I can list some references for you.”
Jared purses his lips, unsure how to take the suggestion. “Okay.”
“Also, I just wanted to tell you about Jensen’s little homework assignment,” she says, setting her pen down. “By next session. I’d like for him to talk to you a bit about what happened, while he was gone. It doesn’t have to be in Technicolor detail, but whatever he is comfortable telling you, I’d like for you to listen. Does that sound doable?”
“Yeah, definitely,” Jared nods, more enthusiastic about this suggestion than the previous.
“Fantastic,” Theresa smiles widely. “Let me get those names for you.” With that, she steps out of the room, leaving he and Jensen in awkward quiet.
“She seems nice,” Jared says, clearing his throat, just to break the silence.
“She is,” Jensen agrees, which is more of an endorsement than Jared thought he give her.
After a minute, Theresa returns with a paper and neatly written shortlist of therapists Jared should look into.
This time, they leave without incident.
___________________________
Jensen and Jared tip toe awkwardly around each other for two days, the ever present threat of The Talk looming overhead. On Saturday night, after an hour spent lying awake in silence, Jensen sits up and flips on the light.
“Alright, screw this,” he grumbles, turning to face Jared in the bed, sitting cross-legged. “Let’s do this.”
“Huh?” Jared asks, squinting in the sudden light of the bedroom. He struggles to sit up in bed, eyes slowly adjusting to the light.
“Let’s talk,” Jensen says, sweeping his hands in a grand motion. “What do you want to know?”
“Um. I don’t know,” Jared says, wiping a hand over his eyes. “Maybe the, um. At the beginning?”
“Alright,” Jensen nods, looking resolute. Once he starts talking, it’s like the gates open up. “Well, I left after we had talked that night, to go swimming with Mark. I was real psyched to see the new place, he’d talked it up quite a bit and I was half-prepared to give him shit if it wasn’t as cool as he said.
“We, uh. We took his car, to the country club off the highway and we swam a bit. He wanted to swim longer but I wanted to get home. We hit the showers and got changed and shit and I. I think we were walking out the side door when someone got to us. Fucking chloroform or something, like some sixties crime movie. Didn’t even know that shit was still around.
“Anyway. So I got there- I woke up- and my first instinct was to get out of there. I fought. I kicked and yelled and fucking bit, but there were too many of them. I got the shit kicked out of me on the daily for about two weeks,” Jensen laughs, fingers running sheepishly over his hair, though there isn’t any real humor in it. “Two weeks and I kind of realized there wasn’t much of a point. I was going to be out in the fields sixteen, eighteen hours a day whether I fought it or not. The difference was whether I wanted to do it bruised to hell.”
Jared’s stomach turns over, a lump forming in his throat and making his breathing labored. The thought of anyone hurting Jensen, of Jensen hurting, makes him sick to his stomach and so angry he can barely see straight. He wants to pull Jensen to him, inspect him for any signs of damage, but Jensen got a clean bill of health from the doctor, save for weight loss and a few vitamin deficiencies, and Jensen is finally talking. He’s afraid if he says something, moves in the slightest, Jensen will clam up and he will never have the chance to hear this again. It’s difficult for both of them, but Jensen needs to say this and Jared needs to hear it, possibly in equal measures.
“I kind of realized that what I was doing wasn’t working,” Jensen continues, eyes fixed on his hands, which he unconsciously wrings in his lap. “So I decided I needed to try something else. If they wanted me to be submissive, I would be submissive. I’d be the best fucking worker they had, the one who never fought back, the one who always did as he was told. I needed them to trust me, you know? To think I was so little of a threat that they kind of looked the other way. I needed their attention on me the least amount possible, I needed them to let me slip through the cracks.”
The lump in Jared’s throat grows, morphing into something different entirely as pride swells in his chest. Jensen has always been smart, has always been so much more than just the pretty face so many people assume he is. He got out when so many other people couldn’t. He worked the system.
“And they, um. They knew about you.” Attention snapping back to Jensen, Jared furrows his brow in confusion.
“They knew about you,” Jensen repeats, eyes locking with Jared’s. “They knew I cared about you. They watched us, the two of us, for days. They were actually,” Jensen pauses, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. “They were actually planning on taking us both, but it didn’t work out that way.”
It’s a revelation, a few small words that pack a punch so unexpected Jared doesn’t have time to brace himself. A breathy laugh is forced from his lungs at the shock, but the words settle with a startling clarity. He was supposed to be with Jensen. He was supposed to go through this with him.
“I wish they had.” As soon as the words leave Jared’s mouth, he knows they were a mistake. The look on Jensen’s face says it all, eyes narrowing and igniting in a fury of fire, anger washing over every aspect of his being.
“Shut up,” he spits, leaning forward in his chair. “You don’t. I don’t. God, I had enough trouble keeping myself alive, the last thing I would have needed was to be worried about you every second of the day, about keeping you safe. I would have never wanted you to go through that, Jared. Never.”
“Sorry,” Jared murmurs, cheeks warmed a deep pink. “I wasn’t thinking, I shouldn’t have said-“
“Yeah,” Jensen sighs, pulling himself upright once more, only to slouch heavily against the back once more. “I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I wish you were there, too. But I’d never. Not really.”
“I know. I just wish I could have been there for you. Protected you.”
A heavy silence sets in as Jensen nods. He stares at his hands, wringing together in his lap, and Jared stares at him.
“I, um. I was friends with a couple of the guys,” Jensen starts again, eyes still fixated downwards, picking at his fingernail. “Mark. And this kid named Chris. Outta Dallas. We, uh. We weren’t really allowed to talk much with other people, but we kind of. We were talking about getting out.
“We used every spare second we were able to talk alone. Like we’d have conversations about one idea for days at a time, just in five second pieces here and there. We had a plan. We made a plan. We just had to wait for the right time.”
“How’d you know? That it was the right time, I mean.”
“I didn’t,” Jensen breathes, a soft laugh interlaced with his tone. When Jared glances up at him, though, the only thing sees the hint of awe in his eyes, like he’s still amazed it actually worked.
“I just. They were talking. They were making these offhand comments about how they had people who were interested in me, people who would pay a lot of money for me. And I wasn’t about to become a sex slave. I thought about it, that maybe it would be easier to escape that way, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I’d rather die.”
Jensen takes a moment to inhale deeply, and Jared feels like he may throw up. The idea of anyone hurting Jensen, of anyone reducing the smart, funny, amazing man in front of him into some sort of sick sex toy makes him want to die himself.
“But. I knew I had to get out of there, soon, and I wanted to leave so much that I. I knew it’d be worth it either way.”
“That what would be worth it?” Jared asks, eyes damp and fixated on Jensen.
“You,” Jensen smiles, risking a moment of fleeting eye contact. “Risking it. Coming home.”
Jared gives him a watery smile, glancing down. He appreciates the sentiment, but the idea that Jensen could have easily not made it out of that place terrifies him. He instantly feels a surge of compassion for the families of the workers who had been killed, for the families that found out their loved ones hadn’t been dead after all, but were now.
“So we managed this great escape, I guess. Crawled through the fields with potato sacks tied to us so we wouldn’t get too scraped up. We managed to get to this rickety gas station in the middle of nowhere, me, Mark, and Chris and somehow. Somehow we made it home.” Jensen says the last part with heavy awe, like he’s still amazed it can be true.
“Thank you,” Jared says, causing Jensen to look up in confusion.
“For what?”
“For risking it. For coming back,” Jared smiles. “For telling me.”
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, like none of those things are valid things to be thanked for. “Of course.”
“A+,” Jared grins, once more drawing a questioning look. “On your homework.”
“Thanks,” Jensen smiles, hand skimming the back of his neck. “There, um. There is actually one more thing. It was stupid, but I think. I think you should know about it.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I um. It’s just. Mark kind of, um. Kind of kissed me. Once.”
Jared feels like he has been punched in the gut. “What?”
“It was stupid. He kissed me and I pushed him away immediately,” Jensen exclaims, eyes wide. “I got mad at him. Like really mad. And he knew, after that. Knew that wasn’t cool.”
A million things go through Jared’s head, from anger to jealousy to complete disbelief at the ridiculous turn his life has taken lately.
“Jay, say something.”
“What do you want me to say?” Jared laughs helplessly, though there’s no humor in it.
“Anything.”
“I told you he liked you, Jensen,” Jared snaps, because Jensen is the nearest available target. He was mourning his boyfriend while Jensen was off kissing other guys. And maybe that’s not fair, most certainly isn’t, but right now, that’s all he can see.
“I know,” Jensen says, palms held up in surrender. “You did. I should have listened. I’m sorry.”
“Damn right you should’ve,” Jared grumbles, though his heart isn’t really in it.
“If it helps, I was really pissed,” Jensen says tentatively, like he’s afraid Jensen might snap. “He knows now how it is.”
“And how is it?”
“Me and you,” Jensen says with such casualness it makes Jared’s heart ache. There’s such an earnest honesty in those words, like Jensen has never questioned it, and Jared feels his anger start to melt away. “Me and you, like always.”
Jared nods, licking his lips.
“So are you mad?”
“No,” Jared responds honestly, managing a small smile for his boyfriend. “Not at you.”
And it’s true, even though he’s itching to punch Mark’s face in.
___________________________
This complicates matters when, after Jensen’s session with Theresa Tuesday, Jensen tells him Mark is coming over that night.
“For dinner,” Jensen says, distractedly shuffling through the CD’s in the middle console of Jared’s car.
“Mark,” Jared repeats flatly, staring straight ahead.
“Yeah,” Jensen nods. “Theresa thinks it’s a good idea.”
Theresa’s wrong. “Oh.”
“Are you okay with this?”
No. “I guess,” Jared shrugs, eyes firmly fixated on the road.
He is pretty far from okay with this, but after the tentative truce he and Jensen have formed, the last thing he wants to do is start another fight. Plus, Theresa thinks it’s a good idea, and it probably is, to visit with someone who knows exactly what he went through. He doesn’t want to seem like the controlling boyfriend hindering Jensen’s progress or something.
“Cool,” Jensen says, conversation over.
___________________________
“Jared, you have to tell me if you’re not okay with this,” Jensen says, watching Jared fidget and pace around Jensen’s bedroom.
“I’m okay with this,” Jared says, absent-mindedly tightening and untightening a loose knob on Jensen’s dresser.
“You don’t look okay with this.”
“I am.”
“Then why are you leaving?” Jensen asks, pointedly looking at the keys Jared has picked up from the dresser.
“I’m not leaving. I’m just going to get some things from the apartment.”
“Will you be back for dinner?”
“Should be,” Jared lies. He’s planning on some brilliant excuse to keep him out of the house for approximately six hours, he just hasn’t decided on what that will be.
“And if you’re not?”
“Start without me.”
“Jared-”
“Hey, I just need to get some things,” Jared says, wishing it sounded less like pleading. “I’ll be back.”
Jensen stares at him for a moment, pursing his lips. “Okay.”
Jared feels more relieved than he should. “Awesome. Do you need anything?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, well I’ll see you. Soon.”
“Alright.”
Jared is half way to the apartment when he gets the text from Mackenzie: if you let him go ur an idiot.
___________________________
Jared is snuggly barrowed under the covers at the apartment when he hears the door open. He nearly pees himself before catching a glance of Jensen making his way toward him.
“Hey,” Jensen greets, leaning in the doorway.
“Hi,” Jared mumbles, feeling pathetic wrapped an entire bed’s worth of blankets. “What are you doing here?”
“Mac dropped me off. Gave me a speech about what idiots we are.”
Jared winces. “Yeah, I think she already gave me the Cliff Notes.”
“Sparknotes, Jay,” Jensen says, making his way into the room to sit on his side of the bed. “No one uses Cliff Notes anymore.”
Jared hums in acknowledgement, eyes fixed on the blanket.
“What about your dinner date?” he asks, not so subtly.
Jensen snorts. “I’m assuming you’re using the term ‘dinner date’ very loosely, here. And I canceled.”
“Why?”
“Because you were obviously uncomfortable with it. And I kind of wanted you there.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re supposed to be there, Jared,” Jensen snaps. “You’re supposed to swallow your fucking pride and realize that nothing fucking happened and move on.”
And suddenly Jared is really mad. “My pride? What about you? You shut me out for days on end just because you’re afraid to talk to me about shit that you know I won’t judge you on-”
Jensen scoffs. “Yeah, because you’re doing such an awesome job of that right now.”
“I’m not judging!” Jared exclaims. “All’s I’m saying is next time maybe don’t drop that little bomb that you kissed someone and then invite him to dinner two days later and expect me to be okay with it!”
“First off, he kissed me,” Jensen yells, a fire in his eyes. “And I was pissed as hell. You know why? Because I might have died there and Mark was going to be the last person I kissed and not you. And call me a girl, but that was really, really not cool with me.”
“Good.”
“Yeah, good.”
Jared inhales, trying to regain his composure. “I just don’t understand why you shut me out.”
Jensen laughs, though it’s a cold sound. “Yeah, you wouldn’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You don’t think, Jay. You don’t listen?”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Uh huh.”
“What? What is one thing I haven’t listened to you about? Tell me one thing.”
“Maybe about how I killed six people,” Jensen says, an edge of hysteria to his voice. “How about that, huh?”
And that. What? “What? Jensen, what are you talking about?”
“The fight that broke out, after I left? That’s on me. That was because of me.”
“No,” Jared shakes his head, stunned. “Jensen, you can’t think-”
“It was my fault,” Jensen continues, tears in his eyes. “If I hadn’t left, none of that would have happened.”
“Jensen,” Jared starts, but Jensen just shakes his head and looks away. And that’s not okay, because he can’t just let Jensen go on thinking he’s killed someone. “Hey, no. That’s not your fault, Jensen. It was bound to happen eventually. Someone was bound to escape and they were going to react, were going to do what they did regardless. It’s not your fault.”
“It didn’t happen eventually, Jared. It happened after I left.”
“And thank god for that,” Jared says, earning a look from Jensen like he just slapped him across the face. “I’m glad you got out, Jensen. And you saved a lot of people in the process. Freed a lot of people. Those people, they made the choice to do what they did, to kill people, and they could have made that choice at any time. They could have hurt you. And I’m not sorry. I’m not going to be sorry for you living, for you coming back. I won’t.”
Jensen is quiet, like he doesn’t know what to say, and Jared watches him, his heart twisting painfully in his chest.
“You know, maybe you need some time on your own,” Jared begins, though the words hurt enough to kill him. “Maybe you need some time away from me to figure things out.”
“Are you. Are you breaking up with me?” Jensen asks, shock and bewilderment evident in every aspect of his being.
“No,” Jared says automatically, though it feels like it. “I just. I just want you to be happy, Jensen. And you’re not happy right now and I. If it would help, to be on your own for a while, then okay.”
Jensen stares at him for a long moment, eyes tear-slicken and full of pain.
“You’re breaking up with me.”
Jared’s chest hurts so much he feels like he might explode. “No, I. I don’t want to. That’s the last thing I want. I just want you to be happy.”
Jared slinks back down into the bed, lying flat with all his energy fully drained. He feels Jensen’s eyes on him, unwaivering, as he lies down next to him.
When Jared dares to look, Jensen looks eyes with him, so intense he can’t look away.
“I just want you to be happy,” Jared repeats, his voice whisper-thin but heavy with emotion.
The corner of Jensen’s lip quirks up in a small smile. “You make me happy.”
It’s then that Jared knows without a doubt there’s no walking away from this. As if he ever could.
___________________________
When Jared opens his eyes, light floods the room and the alarm clock is flashing 4:09. Jared is confused for a moment before he realizes the light is coming from Jensen’s nightstand, and Jensen is propped up on his elbow staring at him.
“Hey,” Jared says, glancing at Jensen. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” Jensen murmurs, licking his lips. His fingers trail across the sheets to land on Jared’s arm, body leaning close to him until he’s inches from his face. There’s a questioning look in his eyes before he closes the distance, meeting Jared’s lips with a soft and tentative kiss.
Jensen pulls back nearly immediately. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah, Jen, I,” Jared stutters, trying to catch up. “Look, you don’t have to-”
“I know,” Jensen interrupts, voice firm, intense. “I know.”
He leans back in for another kiss and Jared deepens it on instinct, starving for it. Jensen’s fingers come up to tangle in his hair, trailing down to cup his jaw. Jared’s hands reach to find their own purchase, skimming along Jensen’s hips, up beneath his tee shirt to find an expanse of skin, warm and indisputable.
It feels surreal, all of this, especially when Jensen rolls on top of him, wriggling to find a comfortable position. They’re still kissing, full on making out, and as much as Jared tells himself to take it slow, he can’t. Not while Jensen is setting the pace, quick and brutal, and skating his hips against his own, building a brutal friction.
“Jen, I-”
“I gotcha,” Jensen says, blindly flinging a hand in the direction of the nightstand. One hand flings open the drawer and digs while the other skims beneath Jared’s jaw, not letting the kiss slip.
“Got it,” Jensen mutters, setting his finds on the bed while he makes quick work of Jared’s jeans. He breaks the kiss for the first time, struggling to pull his own down as he fumbles for the lube he’d retrieved from the drawer.
Jared closes his eyes, unable to believe this is about to happen after those months where he thought he never would again. “Jen. I. Oh god.”
“Shh, I got you, babe,” Jensen whispers, fingers reaching down to meet Jared. Jared gasps at the contact, eyes blown wide as they meet Jensen’s. Jensen smiles and reaches down to kiss him again, open and dirty, as he works him open.
“Oh fuck,” Jared curses, squirming under Jensen’s weight. He feels Jensen smile against his lips, pulling back to make eye contact as he slowly starts to slide in.
“Shit,” Jensen laughs.
“Yeah,” Jared pants, smiling as Jensen slides down to cage him between his two arms. It’s good, almost too good, and they alternate between staring into each other’s eyes and kissing, deep and messy.
The moment is so surreal that Jared can barely feel his own orgasm approaching, so full of love for Jensen he thinks his chest may actually explode. It takes him by surprise, hitting him so hard he cries out.
“Shh,” Jensen sooths, resting his forehead against Jared’s as his thrusts become sloppy and erratic. He follows Jared seconds later, the fingers of his right hand tangled with Jared’s as the left slides over Jared’s cheek.
“Ah, shit,” Jensen gasps, collapsing on top of Jared. “Oh, fuck.”
Jared hums in agreement, palm sliding over his boyfriend’s spine, skipping vertebrae.
They stay like that for a while before parting, sliding beneath the covers once more. Jared spoons himself against Jensen’s back and snakes an arm around his waist, holding him tight.
Just when Jared thinks Jensen is asleep, he hears him whisper, “Don’t leave me.”
Jared tightens his grip just that much more.
___________________________
That morning, Jared awakens to find Jensen rummaging through the kitchen cabinets, clad in a pair of Jared’s sweats.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Jensen smiles, shooting a glance over his shoulder. “We have like, legitimately no food.”
“Yeah,” Jared nods. “My mom came over and cleaned out the fridge. You know. After.”
“Ah,” Jensen says, pulling his arm out of the cabinet. “Well. We have one thing of Ramen, one tub of Crisco, and three cans of cat food.”
“Sounds like delicacies are about to be had all around.”
“Yeah. Hey, where’s Deb?” Jensen asks, wiping his palms on the fronts of his legs.
“At my mom’s,” Jared answers, leaning against the counter. “I could have her bring her over later. I’m sure she would love the chance to cry all over you.”
“Most people do,” Jensen smiles, coming to lean next to Jared, so close their shoulders touch.
“I was thinking of seeing someone,” Jared says after a moment. “Like Theresa said.”
“I think that would be good,” Jensen smiles, pure encouragement.
“I think so, too.”
“We’re pretty fucked up,” Jensen says. Jared snorts.
“We’ll be okay.” And this time, Jared believes it.
___________________________
It's a good five weeks before Jensen brings up wanting to go swimming.
It catches Jared by surprise, though it really shouldn't. Jensen was brought up in the water, much like Jared was, by a father who held his own case of trophies in the sport and who brought his son up to be twice the athlete and twice the man he ever hoped to be. Cabin fever is weighing heavily on Jensen, Jared knows that much for sure, and Jared can see the longing in Jensen's eyes, the nervous twitch his muscles get when he goes too long without swimming.
“I don't think so,” Jared says lamely, trying to pass off his aversion to the water as an off mood rather than an irrational phobia.
“Why not?” Jensen asks, looking so disappointed Jared nearly takes it back.
“I don't know, man,” Jared shrugs. “Just not really into it anymore.”
“Not into it?” Jensen repeats, eyes comically wide and voice dripping in disbelief. “How are you not into it anymore?” You've spent the last nineteen years of your life in the pool and now you're not into it anymore?”
“I don't know, man. What can I say? Just kind of over it.”
Jensen has never been one to believe Jared's shit, always seeing past the illusion and into Jared's true reasons. And Jared, well. Jared has always been shit at lying to Jensen. The combination is lethal.
“Does this have to do with...” Jensen trails off, gesturing vaguely in the air.
“With...?”
“You know, man,” Jensen says, hands waving in the air. “The accident. That night.”
“No,” Jared says, answering a bit too quickly.
Staring at him for a moment, Jensen nods. “Uh huh.”
“It doesn't.”
“Alright. It doesn't,” Jensen agrees, sounding less than convinced. “Let's go, then, Jay. It'll be fun.”
The idea of it sends the acid in Jared's stomach curdling. “No, I don't think so.”
“Why not?”
“Because, man.”
“Seriously, Jay. Let's go.”
“I'm not going.”
__________________________________
Somehow, Jared ends up going.
He walks carefully along the side of the pool, staring at the water like it's a death trap ready to strike at any moment. He holds his breath and feels like throwing up when Jensen finally steps into the water, gliding through it like it's air on land.
Jensen didn't drown, Jared tries to remind himself, though it doesn't help much. Jensen's fine. You're fine. Everything's...
“C'mon, Jay,” Jensen coaxes, smiling at him encouragingly from where he's floating. Jared shakes his head, heart racing.
“No.”
“Come on, man. You've got to.”
“I don't have to do anything.”
Jensen stops floating, planting his feet on the bottom of the pool. “You can't let them win, Jay.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know. They took me away and they took swimming away and god knows that's the two things in life that make you the happiest,” Jensen says, and Jared wants to hate him a little for knowing that, but he can't. Because he's right.
“Yeah, but-”
“Come on,” Jensen continues, propelling himself back in the water. “Water's fine.”
Jared chuckles at that, swallowing hard as he approaches the edge of the pool. Jensen is right, as much as Jared hates it.
He wades into the water, greeted by an armful of his boyfriend and a breathless kiss.
In the end, it all comes down to Jensen.
Master Post