Life, Underwater- 5/6
Jared wakes up to light streaming through blinds, sheer curtains allowing the dark room to be sheathed in the brightness of a new day. Grogginess blurs his thoughts and his vision, and it takes him a moment to figure out where he is.
And that's when panic sets in.
He remembers going to sleep, remembers Jensen asleep, curled against him, and life seeming livable again. He remembers Jensen being here, right here. But now he isn't, now he's gone, and maybe Jensen was never really there at all, maybe-
Flailing his arms out, Jared hears an oomph in protest from beside him on the bed. Whipping around, he sees Jensen's body lying beside him on the bed, staring at him with sleep-slit eyes.
“Sorry!” Jared winces, reaching over to paw at Jensen. He wraps an arm around him, rolling so he's caging him into the side of his chest with that arm, stomach firmly planted on the mattress. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean-”
“It's fine,” Jensen reassures him, voice heavy with sleep. He snuggles forward and rests forehead against Jared's. “Just go back to sleep.”
Exhaustion and contentment settling bone deep, Jared drifts off into another dreamless sleep.
___________________________
The day passes in a blur of cautious happiness and uncontrollable relief.
It's spent in close quarters with Jensen's family, and Jared takes a certain pleasure in seeing the happiness reflected in their eyes, in every interaction with Jensen.
It's due in part to the kinship he has felt with them over the past couple months, the level of understanding they shared that no one else could really reach. No one loved Jensen more than them, no one hurt as much as they did. There was a certain comfort that came in feeling that pain together, in knowing that other people were suffering to a similar level as he was. It was comforting in the same way that it was almost too much to deal with, seeing his pain reflected in the pain of someone else.
The enjoyment he is taking from watching the happiness that stems from spending time with Jensen is also due to the fact that his own heart swells with love for him, that Jensen makes him happy in a way no one else ever has. There's a specific type of enjoyment that comes from others recognizing the same things in Jensen that Jared does and loving them just as much. It's selfless in a way that Jared so rarely is with Jensen, but he's so grateful to have these minutes, these seconds with him that it doesn't matter.
He isn't so selfless, though, that he can completely restrain the urge to take Jensen upstairs with him and keep him all to himself. The want is there, twisting and ugly. It's selfish, and Jared knows it, but that doesn't keep him from thinking on fleeting moments that he wishes he could have Jensen all to himself.
Jared has something now, though, that he hasn't had in a while, something he shares with Jensen and treasures more than ever. Time.
__________________________________
Donna starts calling family that night.
Jared sits on the couch with Mackenzie and watches each phone call unfold with a sick fascination.
There’s a certain formula involved, Jared realizes, after watching a couple calls. Donna settles into a rhythm, the words mirroring each other across multiple calls. There’s the telling, the disbelief, the refuting. She doesn’t put the calls on speakerphone, not until the inevitable portion of the call where the person on the other end wants to speak to Jensen themselves, to speak to the proof that Donna hasn’t completely lost it.
There’s crying, lots of it, and Jensen shoots Jared helpless looks throughout each conversation, throughout each tear-filled reunion.
By the time they get to Jared’s mother, Donna has it down to such a science Jared thinks it would be irresponsible, frankly, to attempt the call himself. He crawls to sit on the floor at Jensen’s feet, one of Jensen’s hands tangling with his own while his other hand cards familiarly through Jared’s hair. Jared closes his eyes and listens to Donna work her magic.
“Hello?”
“Sherri, hi,” Donna greets, voice upbeat. “This is Donna.”
“Donna!” Jared’s mother says, her voice edged with worry. “Is everything okay? Is Jared with you? Have you heard from him? He hasn’t been responding to any of my calls.”
Jared winces as that. He knew he was forgetting something.
“Nice job,” Jensen teases quietly, fingers tangling in Jared’s hair and yanking his head back to meet his eyes.
“Shh,” Jared hisses, offering a sloppy smile as Jensen makes a face and flicks the bridge of Jared’s nose with his middle and index fingers. Jared, for his part, bites at his boyfriend’s fingers. Jensen shakes his head, smiling.
The call ends with tears, as was expected, and Jared’s mom just keeps repeating, “Oh, thank god. Thank god.”
Jared couldn’t agree more.
___________________________
Jared has always been the type for separation anxiety.
His mom will tell you stories of him growing up, how he nearly caused a riot in preschool the first time he realized his mom had stepped outside and might not be coming back. He doesn't do well alone, and that doesn't make him needy. Really, it doesn't.
Sometimes, though, it does.
“Hey, Jen?” he asks later that night, head cushioned on the sharp angles of Jensen's rib cage. He feels the reverberations against his cheek as Jensen hums in response, fingers tangled in the hair at the base of Jared's neck.
“I think I'm going to take a shower,” he murmurs, eyes slipping shut. It's late, past midnight, and everyone else went to sleep a while ago.
“K.”
“Can you, um,” Jared starts, feeling too embarrassed to finish his thought.
“What?” Jensen prods softly, fingertips skimming the skin of his neck. Jared shivers.
“It's really dumb,” Jared stalls, burying his face in the fabric of Jensen's shirt.
“Try me.”
“Do you think you could, like. Come sit in the bathroom with me, maybe? Just like sit there. Keep me company?” he feels his face burning hot with the flush of a blush, and he regrets how stupid he sounds, how childlike.
“You need me to keep you company in the shower?” Jensen repeats, teasing note to his tone.
“Just, you know.” Don't want to leave you.
Jensen seems to understand that, unspoken as it might be, and humors Jared by trailing him into the bathroom and shutting the door. He closes the toilet seat and situates himself on the lid, watching Jared expectantly.
Jensen has seen him thousands of times, in every possible state of undress. Still, an unfamiliar shyness overtakes Jared. He hasn't exactly been working out lately, and even though he has been dropping pounds with the casualness that some drop names, he still feels less than confident about the way his body looks. Jensen doesn't give him the courtesy of looking away, and Jared pretends not to blush as he strips down and climbs into the shower.
It doesn't take more than a minute for the curtain to rustle, for Jensen to climb in butt ass naked and snake his arms around Jared from behind.
“Hey,” Jared says, surprise evident in his voice as he leans back in his boyfriend's arms. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“I'm not the bench-warming type,” Jensen smirks, spinning Jared around to kiss him. His fingers skim Jared's jaw, pressing gently as they play across his chin, his neck his chest. Jared deepens the kiss, stifling a moan as Jensen surges back into it. The same desperation from the night before enters the mix, but this time it's Jensen with his back to the wall.
Jared drops kisses across Jensen's collar bone, across his face, at the apex of his ear. Jensen smiles against his lips, fingers gently pushing Jared back before he goes to drop to his knees.
“Nuh uh,” Jared shakes his head. The surprise is evident across Jensen’s features as Jared hauls him back up to his feet. Jared plants another bruising kiss to his lips, tongue playing against Jensen's as he reaches a hand between them. He takes Jensen's dick in one hand, the other skimming lightly over his own.
“Hand jobs?” Jensen chuckles, catching Jared's bottom lip between his teeth. “What are we, fifteen?” The words are all sass, but Jensen's voice betrays him. He's breathing harder now, air hitching in his throat when Jared cocks his wrist a certain way.
“Sixteen, at least,” Jared jokes, his response a throaty whisper as Jensen takes him into his hand, jacking him long and slow, just the way he likes it. He nips at Jensen's mouth, placing a sloppy kiss to his nose as he rolls his shoulders back, head lolling against Jensen's forehead in pleasure.
“Fuck,” he curses a little louder than intended.
“Shh,” Jensen smiles, nudging Jared’s head to the side to suck a sweet spot at the underside of his jaw. He quickens the pace of his hand against Jared, finger skimming over the tip in a way that makes Jared take a sharp intake of breath, choked off moan swelling in the back of his throat. “Gotta be quiet, Jare. Someone might hear us.”
Then let them hear us, Jared thinks. Let the whole damned world hear us.
At a particularly good flick of the wrist, Jared chokes off a moan, slapping his hand on the tiled wall of the shower to brace himself as his knees threaten to go out.
“Hey,” Jensen warns, nipping a quick bite to the edge of Jared’s jaw.
“I slipped,” Jared lies, flashing a sheepish smile and grinning when Jensen shakes his head in fondness. He stumbles closer to Jensen once more, pinning him against the far wall of the shower with a resounding bang.
Jensen opens his mouth to protest once more, but Jared’s mouth is on his in an instant, stifling the scolding he know is coming with a deeply drawn kiss, wet and bruising.
It doesn't take long for the both of them to slip over the edge, crashing hard like it's their first time.
“Fuck baby,” Jensen says, sounding so thoroughly fucked out that Jared's dick twitches again with interest. “So good.”
“Mmm,” Jared hums in agreement, burying his face in the crook of Jensen’s neck.
“Love you,” Jared whispers, clumsily stumbling them forward into the shower wall, arms holding Jensen tight.
“Love you more,” Jensen smiles, teasing, like he's daring Jared to call him on his cheesiness.
Jared doesn't call him on it, won't. He also won't call him on the fact that he's wrong.
___________________________
Jensen may or may not have a hickey bruised into the underside of his jaw the next morning, stark as a black mark on white paper.
Jared may or may not have kiss-swollen lips, split by a bite mark that may or may not match Jensen's.
Donna shakes her head when she sees them, knowing smile playing at the corner of her lips.
“Sleep well, boys?” she asks when they arrive at the dinner table, looking a bit worse for their well.
“Sure did,” Jensen says, flashing her a smile so wide that Jared chokes back a chuckle.
Jared feels a soft kick to his ankle, and his first thought is that Jensen is trying to play footsie with him, like they're seventh graders pulling one another’s pigtails on the playground. The foot actually belongs to Mackenzie, though, who looks equal parts fond and exasperated.
Alan changes the topic to something he read in the paper, but doesn't look altogether uncomfortable.
It's a good morning.
___________________________
After breakfast, Donna excuses herself to go make more phone calls and Alan gets pulled away by a call from his lawyer, leaving Jared at the table with Mackenzie and Jared.
“So did that just happen?” Jensen asks after a beat, his eyes wide.
“Did what just happen?” Mackenzie asks as she settles back into her chair, stirring another cup of coffee.
“That,” Jensen says, gesturing vaguely. “Dad. Not freaking out about,” he gestures again, this time in the general direction of his neck, of the mark that Jared left on him the night before.
“Sure did,” Mackenzie nods, licking the spoon before setting it back on her napkin.
Jensen stares at the casualness in her reaction before turning his attention to Jared, eyes wide and questioning.
“He’s… calmed down a lot,” Jared says, unsure how to sum up the change in Jensen’s father’s demeanor that must seem monumental to Jensen.
Alan was never outright hateful, never spewed any of the words of hatred Jared has come to expect from some of the more outspoken folks around town. But there had always been a casual disapproval underlying Jensen’s father’s actions, a quick look away when he saw them together or an uncomfortable clearing of the throat. To see his father sit there amongst such glaring proof looking fairly comfortable and accepting must be a real trip for Jensen.
“He realized that it wasn’t worth losing his son over,” Mackenzie says, instantly cringing at her choice of words. They had all lost Jensen, and it had nothing to do with Alan’s disapproval.
“He, uh. He apologized to me a couple weeks ago,” Jared offers, on instinct of not letting those words hang in the air. Jensen’s attention snaps to him immediately, curiosity overtaking every feature. “For how he acted. He said he wished he had acted differently, that he wished he had realized what was really important.”
He said he’d be honored to have me as his son-in-law, Jared thinks, but it’s information that falls by the wayside as he watches Jensen process the information he has already gathered.
“Huh,” he says, eyes glancing off into the distance.
The “what else has changed?” is unspoken.
___________________________
The news hits that night.
Jared knows the exact minute it happens. He’s watching some dumb movie with Jensen and Mackenzie, attention more on the way Jensen’s head rests on the pillow against his thigh than on the screen itself. The shrill ring of Jared’s iPhone causes Jensen to jump, shooting Jared a sheepish smile after a beat as he realizes the source.
“Meh,” Jared shrugs, uninterested in moving from the small crater he has created in the big leather couch. Jensen smirks and rolls his eyes before settling back against the pillow. Almost immediately after the phone signals that he has a voicemail, it beeps multiple times from texts in rapid succession before starting to ring again.
“Jesus,” he mumbles, moving to get up from the couch. It’s at that moment that he hears Mackenzie’s phone launch into a Justin Timberlake song from across the room, ringtone clashing with the Black Keys one he has on his own phone.
“Shit,” she breathes, stopping Jared’s heart momentarily. “Turn to channel seven. The news is breaking.”
Jared feels Jensen tense against him as he fumbles for the remote, glancing to his boyfriend before shakily punching in the number.
The room changes in that instant. The screen switches from cool shades of blue to stark white against earthy brown, to live footage of a massive white building with neat rows of greening crops stretching into the field beyond. There’s a news anchor talking, a woman with large, perfectly manicured blonde hair and a fake tan, and the words on the bottom of the screen stand in harsh contrast.
White on blue. Five words. Raid Outside Laredo, Suspected Trafficking and, in smaller script below, trafficking ring falsified deaths.
Jared is so entranced with the images on the screen that it takes a moment for him to notice Jensen has also changed. One glance reveals he’s now perched on the edge of his seat, back stick straight. He’s gone pale underneath his tan, attention fixated on the screen with a stricken look on his face.
“Jen?” Jared murmurs, reaching out to touch Jensen’s arm. He quickly withdraws his hand when Jensen starts at the touch, jumping and meeting Jared’s stare with wide eyes.
“Whoa. Hey, s’alright,” Jared soothes automatically, watching as Jensen nods his head and visibly relaxes, though not completely. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Jensen nods, clearing his throat. His fingers skim over his hair, a nervous gesture, and the set of his shoulders are still set tense in discomfort. Jared frowns and reaches out for his boyfriend once more, this time under Jensen’s careful watch.
“C’mere,” he coaxes, snaking an arm around Jensen’s shoulders. Jensen hesitates briefly, but after a moment he allows himself to be pulled against Jared’s side, sagging heavily into the hold.
“You okay? We don’t have to watch this,” Jared murmurs, though his own eyes itch to return to the screen. He wants to see everything, wants to see where his boyfriend was in those months Jared was morning his death. He wants to know, wants to learn. He has Jensen in his arms, warm and alive, and part of him needs to know where Jensen was when he was dead.
Not dead, Jared reminds himself. Never dead.
“It’s alright,” Jensen mumbles in response to Jared’s question. “I don’t-“
“Hey, your aunt Shelley says-” Donna interrupts, all but running into the living room where Jared, Jensen, and Mackenzie sit, eyes glued on the screen. “Oh. You’ve already got it on.”
Jared watches as Donna blindly gropes for a seat on the arm of the couch near Jensen, Alan at her heels to take a seat beside Mackenzie.
There’s noise: phones going off, people talking, the drone of the reporter. All Jared can focus on, however, is the way Jensen keeps burrowing further and further into his side.
Jared’s grip tightens on him just that much more. He might not be able to protect him from this, but he can sure try.
___________________________
That night, Jensen is quiet.
Amongst all the bustle, it goes largely unnoticed. Donna talks constantly, huffing about questionable facts the anchor presents and conveying information others have relayed to her. Alan sits mostly quiet, scrutinizing the screen and nodding along with Donna’s remarks.
Mackenzie alternates between showing off her zillion-word a minute texting prowess and taking phone calls that generally result in high-pitched squealing. For all the maturity she showed in the face of Jensen’s death, Jared sometimes forgets she’s still a seventeen-year-old girl.
Jensen, still nestled in the crook of Jared’s arm, watches the scene unfold in his peripheral, his eyes still largely fixated on the television. Jared alternates between watching the screen along with him and just watching Jensen. Jensen isn’t giving him much in his reactions, mostly because he isn’t giving a reaction. He’s carefully blank, something that scares Jared more than something more outspoken ever could.
Because Jensen isn’t quiet. Jensen isn’t understated. Jensen is loud and bright. Jensen lights up ever room he steps into, brings all the attention in the world to himself without ever meaning to. He’s just that person, that person who everyone wants to be around because he’s invaluable, different in a way that draws people to him.
For Jared, though, the only thing Jensen is drawing right now is concern.
So far, Jensen has successfully shrugged off the concern of everyone in the room but Jared by dismissing his quietness as being tired. Maybe it’s because Jared has a tethered line in the form of where their bodies touch, but Jared can feel something is off. Can feel it in his bones, in every cell of his body.
He’ll be okay, Jared tells himself, lips pressed so tightly his mouth is a nothing but firm line. It’s just a lot for him right now. It will be okay.
But Jared can see the cracks forming in Jensen’s foundation, can see the effects of this experience drawing heavily on Jensen. He didn’t see them before, and he isn’t sure if that’s because he wasn’t looking or because he was so blind with glee that it slipped by him without notice. But Jensen isn’t okay. For once, Jared is struck with the fear that no matter how tightly he holds Jensen, it might not be enough to hold him together.
And the thought terrifies him.
___________________________
“Dude, just answer it.”
Jared shoots Jensen a glance as his finger skirts over the screen of his iPhone, about to ignore Chad’s call for the tenth time tonight.
“Are you sure? I-“
“Yes, I’m sure,” Jensen sighs, palms skimming over his eyes. “You answer the phone, I’ll grab a shower. Deal?”
Jared frowns at the distinct lack of invitation for him to join Jensen, but figures his boyfriend might just want a few minutes to himself. Jensen has had exactly zero minutes of alone time since he has gotten home, save for bathroom breaks and sometimes not even then. He probably needs the time almost as much as Chad needs to stop calling Jared.
“Alright,” Jared reluctantly agrees, watching as Jensen climbs from his bed. He reaches out to skim his fingers along the inside of Jensen’s wrist, smiling as Jensen shoots a small smile over his shoulder in response.
Watching Jensen go, Jared sighs as his ringtone rolls over once more.
“Hello?”
“Jesus Christ, man, learn to answer your fucking phone,” Chad barks in lieu of greeting, causing Jared to roll his eyes.
“Looks like I just did.”
“Apparently,” Chad grumbles. “Only took you six hours. Look, all this shit. On the TV? This Breaking Bad-level bullshit? Is it true?”
“I wouldn’t say Breaking Bad-”
“Jared.”
“What?”
“Is it true?”
“Depends what you heard,” Jared sighs. He’d gotten a variety of texts from just about everyone he had ever met, ranging from "Omg, is Jensen alive?" to "Was Jensen making meth!?!" There was also a healthy dose of "Wtf people are saying Jensen’s alive. Wtf man, just keeping you updated on this bs", which Jared supposes he appreciates, given the circumstances.
The thing is, even though Jensen’s name hasn’t been released in any of the press releases or news briefings, word gets around. Somehow, even in a town as big, one betrayed but you can’t tell anyone easily turns into everyone and their mother knowing about what happened. Or some version of it, anyway.
“What I heard?” Chad continues, voice fluctuating wildly, like he can barely contain himself. “I heard Jensen’s alive, man. Let’s start there. And please tell me it’s true, because I’m going to feel like a real dick if-”
“Yeah, I-“
“Yeah? Yeah as in yeah, or-”
“Yeah as in yeah. He’s here.”
There’s a silence that follows, and for a second Jared thinks the call has been dropped.
Then, “You’re shitting me.”
Jared snorts. “I’m not.”
“You are fucking shitting me.” Chad has always been an eloquent one.
“I’m really not, man,” Jared sighs, wishing for not the first time that this whole thing was over, that everything was over and he and Jensen could get on with their lives. He can appreciate the shock, is probably still in that stage a bit himself, but after a while, it gets a bit tiresome.
“No. That’s, that’s completely crazy, Jay,” Chad continues, disbelief heavy in his tone.
“I know. But it’s true.”
“You can’t be-“
“What do you need?” Jared interrupts, patience effectively depleted.
“What?”
“What do you need? To believe me.”
“I… um… to talk to him, I guess?”
“He’s in the shower,” Jared murmurs, fumbling with his phone. “Here. I’ll send you a picture.” He backs out of the call on the screen, selecting one of the photos he’d taken with Jensen last night. In the photo, they’re both smiling, faces smished together at the cheek.
“There,” he says once the message has been sent. “There’s your proof.”
“Just a second, I.” The sound of shuffling fills the air. “Oh. Well, that could have been from whenever.”
“It’s not,” Jared grits out, messing with the blankets on Jensen’s bed with a little more force than necessary.
“Jared-”
“Why would I lie about this?” Jared snaps.
“I don’t know, man, it’s just crazy. You’ve got to know it sounds crazy.”
“Chad, I-“
“Hey Chad,” Jensen interrupts, entering the room while scrubbing his towel over his damp hair. His skin is especially pink, and he flashes Jared a distracted smile as he starts to rummage in the pile of clothes Jensen’s dad retrieved from their apartment.
“What. Dude. Holy shit! Who is that?” Chad sputters, in keeping with his streak of well-spokeness.
“Who does it sound like?” Jared smiles, mood approved now that Jensen is back. When he glances back at his boyfriend, he’s already dressed from the bottom up and making work at tugging a soft gray shirt over his head.
“No, dude, I-”
“Chad,” Jensen smiles, leaning over Jared’s upper arm to speak at the phone. “It’s Jensen. Good to hear from you, man, but Jare and I are headed to bed. So talk to you later?” Jared bites the smile at his lower lip, skimming his fingers over the back of Jensen’s neck.
“Bye Chad,” Jared says, clicking off the phone at the sound of his friend sputtering on the other end of the line.
Once the phone is off, Jared turns his attention to Jensen, reaching out to pull him close. To his surprise, Jensen doesn’t step into the offer, instead turning back to the bed and fussing with the comforter.
“I’m shot, Jay,” he mumbles, pulling the covers back to crawl in. “Can we just hit the sack?”
Jared, taken aback at the sudden coolness, bobbles his head in dumbstruck agreement.
He numbly follows suit, crawling into bed and staring at Jensen’s back, decidedly turned to him from where Jensen is perched at the edge of the mattress.
Jared closes his eyes and tries not to think.
Part Six