31 Days of Blogging: IX - What are your worst habits?
IX - What are your worst habits?
My bar none worst habit is that -- without people nearby or social cues or my phone reminder -- I will forget to eat. Not just for three or four hours, but for whole days at a time. I don't get hunger pains and so I'll never stop and think oh, it's time for that next meal. I might remember to drink water, but meals and food are not on my radar, and haven't been for about fifteen years, unless I'm forcing myself and believe me when I say I'm forcing myself daily, with all of the above.
Worst habits after that. Hrm. I brush my teeth and take my vitamins more regularly after lunch at work than I do ever at home, even if I'm home all day and all night, with no plans. I know where all my money goes to the cent, what I can pay off to the days and months, but I would faster shell out money for an extra bill eating up every single extra dollar I have than lend myself two dollars to make myself smile or twenty to put food in my fridge.
I don't know how to let someone back in all the way once they've broken my heart or my trust. I'm great with with forgiving, rebuilding, and moving on. But some tiny corner of me is sheltered off that wasn't the first round, and some part of me is always braced for the next impact. There's always just this extra inch of space between myself and that. I'm ADHD, and I'm probably OCD, but I don't really consider them detriments to my life.
It's not something you'll ever hear out loud but I massive problems with addicts/addictions, and when I say this word, please see all forms of addiction, including cigarettes, adrenaline, and caffeine/sugar dependences. Welcome to a slice of deep family history. It's part of a personal tic where I will systematically remove anything I think I'm too fixated on or any overly compulsive action I'm taking in relations to any other thing.
I'm attached to my phone and laptop like I could not breathe as well without the internet, and when i'm nervous or I'm fragile, it's my touchstone almost. I have not run into anything in my life that I could not forgive. But I will not forget anything. I cannot. My memory will keep all of it, in the most excruciating detail. I have conversations with ex's lovers and friends in my head. Consistently, for years and years after they are gone.
I'm very good at being willing to tell anyone anything bout my life that they could ever want to know, but I have almost no capacity to ask for help. And I have even less capacity for having any idea how to take the help of friends once it has been offered. I, frequently, want to, very badly, but I don't know how to do anything but shove everything bad, and everything related to it, even great grave deeply needed kindness, all under a rock together.
I don't get angry often. Not truly angry, and by the time I have, it's been months or years of build, and it will level the world before it stops. I have not lost my temper near anyone or over anything entirely since a particularly violent meeting between myself and my bedroom wall when I was fourteen. The exponential extra energy you get being ADHD, picture it like a ever-exploding generator behind every emotion. You learn early on you have to control yourself all the time, in every emotion.
1. Introduction and recent photo ( LJ/DW)
2. 20 facts about you ( LJ/DW)
3. Your favorite quote ( LJ/DW)
4. What are you afraid of? ( LJ/DW)
5. 10 songs you love right now ( LJ/DW)
6. Your 5 senses right now ( LJ/DW)
7. Your pet hates ( LJ/DW)
8. What's in your handbag? ( LJ/DW)
9. What are your worst habits?
10. What's your best physical feature?
11. List 15 of your favorite things
12. What's inside your fridge?
13. What is your earliest memory?
14. If you won the lottery...
15. Timeline of your day
16. What's at the top of your bucket list?
17. What is your most proud moment?
18. The meaning behind your blog name
19. What do you collect?
20. A difficult time in your life
21. Your 10 favorite foods
22. The best thing to happen this year
23. Your dream job
24. Your favorite childhood book
25. Your 5 favorite blogs
26. An old photo of you
27. Post your favorite recipe
28. What are you looking forward to?
29. Where have you travelled?
30. What's in your makeup bag?
31. Why do you blog?
[This entry was originally posted at http://wanderlustlover.dreamwidth.org/2257421.html. Comment on either at your leisure.]
My bar none worst habit is that -- without people nearby or social cues or my phone reminder -- I will forget to eat. Not just for three or four hours, but for whole days at a time. I don't get hunger pains and so I'll never stop and think oh, it's time for that next meal. I might remember to drink water, but meals and food are not on my radar, and haven't been for about fifteen years, unless I'm forcing myself and believe me when I say I'm forcing myself daily, with all of the above.
Worst habits after that. Hrm. I brush my teeth and take my vitamins more regularly after lunch at work than I do ever at home, even if I'm home all day and all night, with no plans. I know where all my money goes to the cent, what I can pay off to the days and months, but I would faster shell out money for an extra bill eating up every single extra dollar I have than lend myself two dollars to make myself smile or twenty to put food in my fridge.
I don't know how to let someone back in all the way once they've broken my heart or my trust. I'm great with with forgiving, rebuilding, and moving on. But some tiny corner of me is sheltered off that wasn't the first round, and some part of me is always braced for the next impact. There's always just this extra inch of space between myself and that. I'm ADHD, and I'm probably OCD, but I don't really consider them detriments to my life.
It's not something you'll ever hear out loud but I massive problems with addicts/addictions, and when I say this word, please see all forms of addiction, including cigarettes, adrenaline, and caffeine/sugar dependences. Welcome to a slice of deep family history. It's part of a personal tic where I will systematically remove anything I think I'm too fixated on or any overly compulsive action I'm taking in relations to any other thing.
I'm attached to my phone and laptop like I could not breathe as well without the internet, and when i'm nervous or I'm fragile, it's my touchstone almost. I have not run into anything in my life that I could not forgive. But I will not forget anything. I cannot. My memory will keep all of it, in the most excruciating detail. I have conversations with ex's lovers and friends in my head. Consistently, for years and years after they are gone.
I'm very good at being willing to tell anyone anything bout my life that they could ever want to know, but I have almost no capacity to ask for help. And I have even less capacity for having any idea how to take the help of friends once it has been offered. I, frequently, want to, very badly, but I don't know how to do anything but shove everything bad, and everything related to it, even great grave deeply needed kindness, all under a rock together.
I don't get angry often. Not truly angry, and by the time I have, it's been months or years of build, and it will level the world before it stops. I have not lost my temper near anyone or over anything entirely since a particularly violent meeting between myself and my bedroom wall when I was fourteen. The exponential extra energy you get being ADHD, picture it like a ever-exploding generator behind every emotion. You learn early on you have to control yourself all the time, in every emotion.
1. Introduction and recent photo ( LJ/DW)
2. 20 facts about you ( LJ/DW)
3. Your favorite quote ( LJ/DW)
4. What are you afraid of? ( LJ/DW)
5. 10 songs you love right now ( LJ/DW)
6. Your 5 senses right now ( LJ/DW)
7. Your pet hates ( LJ/DW)
8. What's in your handbag? ( LJ/DW)
9. What are your worst habits?
10. What's your best physical feature?
11. List 15 of your favorite things
12. What's inside your fridge?
13. What is your earliest memory?
14. If you won the lottery...
15. Timeline of your day
16. What's at the top of your bucket list?
17. What is your most proud moment?
18. The meaning behind your blog name
19. What do you collect?
20. A difficult time in your life
21. Your 10 favorite foods
22. The best thing to happen this year
23. Your dream job
24. Your favorite childhood book
25. Your 5 favorite blogs
26. An old photo of you
27. Post your favorite recipe
28. What are you looking forward to?
29. Where have you travelled?
30. What's in your makeup bag?
31. Why do you blog?
[This entry was originally posted at http://wanderlustlover.dreamwidth.org/2257421.html. Comment on either at your leisure.]