The *REAL* Solution to All of S2's Mysteries, OMG!
Beware, I've just totally solved it all! *wibbles*
So, yes. Every so often, there is something so wanted, so desirable, that it drives people mad in the quest for it. The Holy Grail is a prime example of an object, whose seeking, destroyed a great and noble kingdom. Murder, betrayal, and lies came from the desire to possess the Grail. Dozens of good men fell into darkness, and the dozens of the evil turned even more evil because of it.
But what, dear reader, could possibly be the VM equivalent of the Holy Grail? That object so universally wanted that lies, conspiracy, and death follow in its wake?
Why, obviously...
It's Logan's ass. :P
No, seriously, hear me out. Take season mystery #1: Felix's murder. We see Weevil go down. We see a dozen PCHers pull Logan down off the edge, all greedily lusting after his ass:
...And then everything goes black. What happened in the interval? I suggest to you that lust for Logan's ass drove this gang of good comrades to madness. Madness, I say!
Imagine as follows:
Felix: Yo, bitches. I'm in charge now. Which means this Logan!ass is mine!
PCHers: WTF? No way!
Felix: Who's gonna stop me, huh?
PCHers: Must. Have. Ass!
Felix: *reaches out for the Logan!ass one last time* So. Close. To. Perfection! *diez and is ded*
*sniff sniff* Tragic, isn't it? How something as beautiful as Logan's ass can rip people apart?
And then later that summer, when Logan's ass is so close to falling into Veronica's hands:
Veronica: Mmm...Logan!ass...
A bullet from yet another Logan!ass-seeker stops her, just in the nick of time:
Notice how the camera cleverly doesn't pan down to show us that Veronica's other hand was mere seconds away from wrapping around the hallowed Logan!ass when that bullet was fired. The tricky directors are trying to hide the truth from us!
But what about the bus crash, you say? Well, that's simple. The bus crash was inspired by jealousy. Jealousy over Logan's ass. Behold:
Dick: Uh-oh. Veronica's in danger of getting Logan's ass.
Beaver: Oh noes! He still wants her! That ass could be hers!
The Brothers Casablancas: The only solution is...TO GET RID OF VERONICA!
The Brothers Casablancas: (And also Meg, because we've read that fanfic by queen_haq, and we don't want to take any chances.)
And, ta-da! There you have it.
More mysteries solved by The Quest For Logan's Ass:
Kendall: Now that I have known the Sacred Purity that is Logan's ass, there's only one thing to do...
Kendall: Frame my husband, so that I can have that ass any time I want! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Kendall: What? You can't just take away my Logan!ass privileges! That's cruel and unusual!
Kendall: REVENGE WILL BE MINE!
The Brothers Casablancas: Oh noes! Veronica's so damn close to tapping that ass!
The Brothers Casablancas: *wibbles* Quick! Burn down the pool! Break them up!
The Brothers Casablancas: Whew. Now the Logan!ass is safely back with us...
All of Neptune High: OMG! Jackie's after the Logan!ass!
All of Neptune High: Quick, quick! Frame her dad! Ostracize her!
All of Neptune High: Whew. The Logan!ass is safe once more. *drools*
Lamb: Yes, yes, frame Logan. Frame away!
Lamb: Soon that pretty, pretty ass will be locked in my holding cell forever! Mine, all mine! *cackles evilly*
Lamb: Yes, wear the ankle bracelet... The ankle bracelet that sends me hourly video feeds of your fine, fine ass!
Veronica: Oh noes! Logan's moved in with Duncan! And already he's got Logan wearing argyle! It's only a matter of time before he'll have Logan's ass!
Veronica: Er, yes, honey. Your ex-girlfriend really did manage to have a coma-baby which you must flee with across the border, even though it's your own child and so you'd have custody anyway. What? No, I totally am not making up the most ridiculous, far-fetched plot of all time, simply to get you away from Logan's pretty, round ass. Who, me? *smiles sweetly*
Weevil: *feels up Logan's ass in the bathroom*
PCHers: Weevil must be punished and banished for defiling The Sacred Ass!
Even now, a new victim is about to be claimed by the Lust for Logan's Ass...
Alas, poor Hannah. She doesn't know the danger she puts herself in each time her hands slip a little bit lower...
Dr. Griffith: Stay away from my daughter. Your ass is mine!
Ah, yes, fate is closing in on poor Hannah:
Neptune knows. And no one can be so close to achieving the perfection that is Logan's ass, without impending DOOM hanging over their heads...
And, in the meantime, Logan remains oblivious to it all. How his sweet, sweet can is literally driving all of Neptune mad with desire:
Logan: *sings* I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and briiiiiight!
And, now, dear reader, doesn't it all make sense? Wouldn't you be willing to kill for this fine, fine behind:
*sigh* So round...so firm...so biteable...
Yesssss, we mussst have it, my precioussssss! *kills you* *kills you ALL* MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!
(And, yes, I promise to lay off the crack now. :P)
So, yes. Every so often, there is something so wanted, so desirable, that it drives people mad in the quest for it. The Holy Grail is a prime example of an object, whose seeking, destroyed a great and noble kingdom. Murder, betrayal, and lies came from the desire to possess the Grail. Dozens of good men fell into darkness, and the dozens of the evil turned even more evil because of it.
But what, dear reader, could possibly be the VM equivalent of the Holy Grail? That object so universally wanted that lies, conspiracy, and death follow in its wake?
Why, obviously...
It's Logan's ass. :P
No, seriously, hear me out. Take season mystery #1: Felix's murder. We see Weevil go down. We see a dozen PCHers pull Logan down off the edge, all greedily lusting after his ass:
...And then everything goes black. What happened in the interval? I suggest to you that lust for Logan's ass drove this gang of good comrades to madness. Madness, I say!
Imagine as follows:
Felix: Yo, bitches. I'm in charge now. Which means this Logan!ass is mine!
PCHers: WTF? No way!
Felix: Who's gonna stop me, huh?
PCHers: Must. Have. Ass!
Felix: *reaches out for the Logan!ass one last time* So. Close. To. Perfection! *diez and is ded*
*sniff sniff* Tragic, isn't it? How something as beautiful as Logan's ass can rip people apart?
And then later that summer, when Logan's ass is so close to falling into Veronica's hands:
Veronica: Mmm...Logan!ass...
A bullet from yet another Logan!ass-seeker stops her, just in the nick of time:
Notice how the camera cleverly doesn't pan down to show us that Veronica's other hand was mere seconds away from wrapping around the hallowed Logan!ass when that bullet was fired. The tricky directors are trying to hide the truth from us!
But what about the bus crash, you say? Well, that's simple. The bus crash was inspired by jealousy. Jealousy over Logan's ass. Behold:
Dick: Uh-oh. Veronica's in danger of getting Logan's ass.
Beaver: Oh noes! He still wants her! That ass could be hers!
The Brothers Casablancas: The only solution is...TO GET RID OF VERONICA!
The Brothers Casablancas: (And also Meg, because we've read that fanfic by queen_haq, and we don't want to take any chances.)
And, ta-da! There you have it.
More mysteries solved by The Quest For Logan's Ass:
Kendall: Now that I have known the Sacred Purity that is Logan's ass, there's only one thing to do...
Kendall: Frame my husband, so that I can have that ass any time I want! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Kendall: What? You can't just take away my Logan!ass privileges! That's cruel and unusual!
Kendall: REVENGE WILL BE MINE!
The Brothers Casablancas: Oh noes! Veronica's so damn close to tapping that ass!
The Brothers Casablancas: *wibbles* Quick! Burn down the pool! Break them up!
The Brothers Casablancas: Whew. Now the Logan!ass is safely back with us...
All of Neptune High: OMG! Jackie's after the Logan!ass!
All of Neptune High: Quick, quick! Frame her dad! Ostracize her!
All of Neptune High: Whew. The Logan!ass is safe once more. *drools*
Lamb: Yes, yes, frame Logan. Frame away!
Lamb: Soon that pretty, pretty ass will be locked in my holding cell forever! Mine, all mine! *cackles evilly*
Lamb: Yes, wear the ankle bracelet... The ankle bracelet that sends me hourly video feeds of your fine, fine ass!
Veronica: Oh noes! Logan's moved in with Duncan! And already he's got Logan wearing argyle! It's only a matter of time before he'll have Logan's ass!
Veronica: Er, yes, honey. Your ex-girlfriend really did manage to have a coma-baby which you must flee with across the border, even though it's your own child and so you'd have custody anyway. What? No, I totally am not making up the most ridiculous, far-fetched plot of all time, simply to get you away from Logan's pretty, round ass. Who, me? *smiles sweetly*
Weevil: *feels up Logan's ass in the bathroom*
PCHers: Weevil must be punished and banished for defiling The Sacred Ass!
Even now, a new victim is about to be claimed by the Lust for Logan's Ass...
Alas, poor Hannah. She doesn't know the danger she puts herself in each time her hands slip a little bit lower...
Dr. Griffith: Stay away from my daughter. Your ass is mine!
Ah, yes, fate is closing in on poor Hannah:
Neptune knows. And no one can be so close to achieving the perfection that is Logan's ass, without impending DOOM hanging over their heads...
And, in the meantime, Logan remains oblivious to it all. How his sweet, sweet can is literally driving all of Neptune mad with desire:
Logan: *sings* I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and briiiiiight!
And, now, dear reader, doesn't it all make sense? Wouldn't you be willing to kill for this fine, fine behind:
*sigh* So round...so firm...so biteable...
Yesssss, we mussst have it, my precioussssss! *kills you* *kills you ALL* MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!
(And, yes, I promise to lay off the crack now. :P)