fic - Johnny's & Associates - Competition
Title: Competition
Author: virdant
Length: 1760 words; one-shot
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Post-Modernism. Which can be defined probably as sometimes along the lines of crack with morbid humor and just overall wtffery.
Pairing: Implied Pikame, implied Yamapi/Shige,
Summary: Shige gets kidnapped.
Warning: Kidnapping, mentions of violence, drugs, and rape.
Content Critique Level: No Holds Barred
Notes: So we read a post-modern piece in short fiction class. And then I read a prompt asking for kidnapping on some meme, and I just started... writing. This is what came out. It's weird. I know. I don't apologize, because this is post-modern.
Competition
“I should have known that staying late at the library was going to get me kidnapped,” Shige muttered as he leaned back in the car. It rattled, from the top down-and how did that work?-as it scampered down the rickety path.
“Shut up,” a voice snarled from his left.
“You shut up,” another voice-higher, more nasal-snapped from his right.
“All of you shut up,” another voice from the front-the driver-called. “And you there, kidnapped-kid. Can you be a bit more frightened?”
Shige sighed. “Sorry, do you want me to scream?”
“Oh, god, no.” The driver snorted. “If you scream, I'll probably swerve, and then I'd crash and then we'd all be dead instead of just you.”
“Right. Is hyperventilating alright?”
“Perfect.”
*
As it turned out, hyperventilating wasn't perfect. It was light-headedness and nausea all rolled in one bundle and then shoved down his throat.
“Ugh.”
“Sorry kidnapped-kid.” It was the driver's voice. “Didn't actually expect you to take me seriously.”
“You kidnapped me,” Shige tried to remind the driver.
“Technically, it was Kame who kidnapped you. He gets a bit offended when Yamapi compliments somebody not in this group.”
“I do not,” Nasal Voice said sulkily.
“Yes, you do,” said the guy who had been on his left.
“Uh.” Shige tried to think of a really polite way to explain to his kidnappers that he was a poor starving college student and kidnapping was bad. Really bad. Especially since he wasn't even rich enough to afford to buy his own freedom, and the rest of his friends were either poor starving college students or poor starving well-meant individuals who couldn't afford to pay bounties.
“Anyways, kidnapped-kid.” The driver waved his hand in Shige's face. “Anyways, that's Kame. He kidnapped you because Yamapi said you were hot and studious, and nobody really knows what's up with Kame anyways. That's Jin-” he pointed towards the guy who had been on his left. “Nobody knows what's up with him either, except maybe Yamapi and maybe Kame... don't ask,” he said at Shige's confused look. “And you can call me Super Amazing Person.”
“Uh. SAP?”
The driver rolled his eyes. “Alright, call me Nino.”
Shige glanced at the three people. “So let me get this straight,” he said, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. “You guys kidnapped me because Yamashita-senpai said I was hot?”
Nino and Kame exchanged looks. “Nope,” Kame finally said.
“Just dedicated,” Jin added on an afterthought.
“That's Akakame for you,” Nino chirped. “Now let's get you settled in your cell, kidnapped-kid. Oh, hey, does that count as a pun-settled and cell?”
Shige stared and tried not to be offended over the fact that he wasn't even hot enough to be kidnapped, was just hard working.
“You've been spending too much time with Junno,” Kame declared huffily. “Stop playing Grand Theft Auto with him, no wonder your driving's turned to shit.”
*
Nino didn't just play GTA with whoever Junno was, but every single type of game known to mankind.
“How the hell do you play Harvest Moon multiplayer?” Shige demanded as he sat with his hands tied behind his back and watching Junno take his turn on Harvest Moon while Nino slouched beside him playing a video game on his DS.
“Very competitively,” Junno chirped. He milked a cow.
“He's shit at Harvest Moon,” Nino stage-whispers to Shige. “That's why we play it all the time. That and it makes everybody else think we're crazy, which we are, of course. If we weren't crazy, we wouldn't have kidnapped you just because Kame's got this strange crush on Yamapi-”
“He doesn't,” Junno protested as he guided his character to dump the milk into a butter maker.
“-and therefore thinks that it's okay to kidnap people.”
“Okay, maybe he does. But it doesn't really count as kidnapping if the kid's already napping.”
Shige stared. That sounded like an attempt at a pun, but it was... bad.
“Now be quiet, kidnapped-kid. Let's see if Taguchi here can catch a fish worth more than mine.”
“I am so confused,” Shige muttered.
“So am I,” Kame agreed.
When did he show up? Shige twisted around to stare at him.
Kame grinned. “Hello, Shige-kun.”
*
It burns as it goes down.
“It's supposed to,” Jin explains as he pours another shot. “It's good. The fact that it burns means that you're alive and feeling like shit.”
“I don't think you're supposed to feel like shit,” Shige tried to say reasonably around a mouthful of what tasted like bleach.
“Here. Have Cheerios. Cheerios are the best chaser ever.” It was a different guy, with the most ridiculous eyebrows he had ever seen and a perm. “And don't listen to Jin. He's an idiot.”
“Uh.”
“I'm not an idiot, you're an idiot, Matsumoto.”
“Uh.”
Matsumoto handed him another shot of nasty tasting vodka. “Here. This one is cherry flavored. It tastes like cough syrup.”
“Is this the new form of torture among kidnappers?” Shige held the shot glass gingerly at his mouth, wondering if he would get hit if he refused to drink it. “Getting your victims drunk off of the worst tasting alcohol you can find?”
“That's a good idea, actually,” Kame chirped from where he appeared next to him. Again. How on earth did that guy manage it? “I'll have to remember to tell Nino about it.”
“Tell me about what?” Nino tipped the shot glass in Shige's mouth, grinning as he spluttered. “Torturing people with nasty tasting alcohol?”
“It's a gift,” Kame corrected, watching Shige with a strange gleam in his eyes. “Gifting people with nasty tasting alcohol.”
“What are you guys planning on doing to me?” Shige finally demanded as he finished swallowing what was arguably the worst tasting, shittiest vodka he had ever drank, and he was at some pretty wild college parties-you'd be surprised at the shit that showed up when college students wanted to get drunk and didn't have money for decent booze.
Kame tapped a finger against his lip thoughtfully. “Well, I figured I'd murder you. Or drug you and rape you. And then take pictures and send them to Yamapi. But that'd be a little overkill, wouldn't it?”
“You really should just pick one, Kame-chan,” Matsumoto said. To Shige, he said, “Hello, kidnapped-person. You have an atrocious sense of fashion, did you know?”
*
“I don't see what Yamashita sees in you,” Kame said thoughtfully. “He's actually hot, and you're clearly not, Kidnapped-kid.”
“Oh God,” Shige muttered. “Can you guys at least call me by my name? Shige. It's not too hard.”
“Nah.” Kame grinned. “You're kidnapped, and you're a kid.”
“Tm only a year younger than you.”
Kame smirked. “Exactly my point.”
Shige groaned. “Look, Kame, whoever you are. I don't understand why you kidnapped me, beyond the fact that Yamashita-senpai thinks that I'm hot, but I assure you, he's wrong-”
“Pi's never wrong,” Jin said. “I think you're wrong.”
Shige closed his eyes, wondering if that would make the whole thing go away.
“Oi, wake up.” A prod. “Junno wants to know if you're interesting in playing Harvest Moon with him.”
Shige stared incredulously at Nino. “Harvest Moon.”
Nino rolled his eyes. “Junno's being a sore loser. He says he won't play me anymore, since I keep kicking his ass and screwing up his turns.”
“Harvest Moon,” Shige repeated.
“What, would you rather play King's Cup?”
*
“You know, this would all be over if you would just die.”
Shige stared at Kame. “That's a bit mean,” he managed.
Kame stared back at him. “Of course it's mean. I kidnapped you.”
*
Yamashita-senpai showed up drunk, hanging off of Jin, and mumbling to Kame, “I didn't mean for you to kidnap Shige-kun. He's my kohai. This is presenting a bad example.”
“Just go to sleep, Yamashita,” Kame retorted sharply. “You're drunk, and probably high.”
“Can you un-kidnap Shige-kun? I don't want to be a bad senpai.”
There was a pause while Kame stared at a drunk Yamashita-senpai and Akanishi. Then he said slowly, “Fine.”
“Thanks, Kazuya. You're the be-be-best person in the town.” Yamashita laughed to himself.
“Yamashita-senpai?” Shige tried to say from where he sat with his wrists tied behind his back.
“Shut up,” Kame hissed at him. “Shut up, shut up, shut up. Why do you have to be here? Why can't you just go away?”
“Didn't you kidnap him first, Kame-chan?” Matsumoto drawled. He leaned against the doorway. “Isn't it just a bit counter-productive to kidnap somebody and then ask him to go away?”
Kame stared at the ground.
“If you untie me, I'll go away,” Shige offered, trying to be helpful.
Yamashita laughed. “Untie. Un-kidnap.”
Jin laughed raucously beside him.
Nino stared at them. “I don't know what the fuck is going on, but all I can say is that this was a stupid idea.” He turned to Shige. “Let's go, kidnapped-kid. Let's put you back where we found you.”
*
Shige woke up in a library, drooling on his books.
“Hi, Shige-kun.” The man across from him beamed around the heavy textbooks stacked between them.
Shige stared. It was hard to force his throat to work properly.
“Do you think you could help me on this assignment? I just don't understand it at all. Harvest Moon is much easier than this. Ah, but I suppose this is a bit more violent than Harvest Moon. I mean, it's hard to milk a cow with this book, but I think I could easily bludgeon somebody with this. Ahh, sometimes it's hard to figure out how to do things. Kame's always really vague when he says things like, 'Make it look like an accident.'”
“Junno.”
“Actually it's Taguchi. Iriguchi, deguchi, Taguchi desu!”
End.
Masterlist of fandoms here
Masterlist of Jpop fanfiction here
Author: virdant
Length: 1760 words; one-shot
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Post-Modernism. Which can be defined probably as sometimes along the lines of crack with morbid humor and just overall wtffery.
Pairing: Implied Pikame, implied Yamapi/Shige,
Summary: Shige gets kidnapped.
Warning: Kidnapping, mentions of violence, drugs, and rape.
Content Critique Level: No Holds Barred
Notes: So we read a post-modern piece in short fiction class. And then I read a prompt asking for kidnapping on some meme, and I just started... writing. This is what came out. It's weird. I know. I don't apologize, because this is post-modern.
Competition
“I should have known that staying late at the library was going to get me kidnapped,” Shige muttered as he leaned back in the car. It rattled, from the top down-and how did that work?-as it scampered down the rickety path.
“Shut up,” a voice snarled from his left.
“You shut up,” another voice-higher, more nasal-snapped from his right.
“All of you shut up,” another voice from the front-the driver-called. “And you there, kidnapped-kid. Can you be a bit more frightened?”
Shige sighed. “Sorry, do you want me to scream?”
“Oh, god, no.” The driver snorted. “If you scream, I'll probably swerve, and then I'd crash and then we'd all be dead instead of just you.”
“Right. Is hyperventilating alright?”
“Perfect.”
*
As it turned out, hyperventilating wasn't perfect. It was light-headedness and nausea all rolled in one bundle and then shoved down his throat.
“Ugh.”
“Sorry kidnapped-kid.” It was the driver's voice. “Didn't actually expect you to take me seriously.”
“You kidnapped me,” Shige tried to remind the driver.
“Technically, it was Kame who kidnapped you. He gets a bit offended when Yamapi compliments somebody not in this group.”
“I do not,” Nasal Voice said sulkily.
“Yes, you do,” said the guy who had been on his left.
“Uh.” Shige tried to think of a really polite way to explain to his kidnappers that he was a poor starving college student and kidnapping was bad. Really bad. Especially since he wasn't even rich enough to afford to buy his own freedom, and the rest of his friends were either poor starving college students or poor starving well-meant individuals who couldn't afford to pay bounties.
“Anyways, kidnapped-kid.” The driver waved his hand in Shige's face. “Anyways, that's Kame. He kidnapped you because Yamapi said you were hot and studious, and nobody really knows what's up with Kame anyways. That's Jin-” he pointed towards the guy who had been on his left. “Nobody knows what's up with him either, except maybe Yamapi and maybe Kame... don't ask,” he said at Shige's confused look. “And you can call me Super Amazing Person.”
“Uh. SAP?”
The driver rolled his eyes. “Alright, call me Nino.”
Shige glanced at the three people. “So let me get this straight,” he said, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. “You guys kidnapped me because Yamashita-senpai said I was hot?”
Nino and Kame exchanged looks. “Nope,” Kame finally said.
“Just dedicated,” Jin added on an afterthought.
“That's Akakame for you,” Nino chirped. “Now let's get you settled in your cell, kidnapped-kid. Oh, hey, does that count as a pun-settled and cell?”
Shige stared and tried not to be offended over the fact that he wasn't even hot enough to be kidnapped, was just hard working.
“You've been spending too much time with Junno,” Kame declared huffily. “Stop playing Grand Theft Auto with him, no wonder your driving's turned to shit.”
*
Nino didn't just play GTA with whoever Junno was, but every single type of game known to mankind.
“How the hell do you play Harvest Moon multiplayer?” Shige demanded as he sat with his hands tied behind his back and watching Junno take his turn on Harvest Moon while Nino slouched beside him playing a video game on his DS.
“Very competitively,” Junno chirped. He milked a cow.
“He's shit at Harvest Moon,” Nino stage-whispers to Shige. “That's why we play it all the time. That and it makes everybody else think we're crazy, which we are, of course. If we weren't crazy, we wouldn't have kidnapped you just because Kame's got this strange crush on Yamapi-”
“He doesn't,” Junno protested as he guided his character to dump the milk into a butter maker.
“-and therefore thinks that it's okay to kidnap people.”
“Okay, maybe he does. But it doesn't really count as kidnapping if the kid's already napping.”
Shige stared. That sounded like an attempt at a pun, but it was... bad.
“Now be quiet, kidnapped-kid. Let's see if Taguchi here can catch a fish worth more than mine.”
“I am so confused,” Shige muttered.
“So am I,” Kame agreed.
When did he show up? Shige twisted around to stare at him.
Kame grinned. “Hello, Shige-kun.”
*
It burns as it goes down.
“It's supposed to,” Jin explains as he pours another shot. “It's good. The fact that it burns means that you're alive and feeling like shit.”
“I don't think you're supposed to feel like shit,” Shige tried to say reasonably around a mouthful of what tasted like bleach.
“Here. Have Cheerios. Cheerios are the best chaser ever.” It was a different guy, with the most ridiculous eyebrows he had ever seen and a perm. “And don't listen to Jin. He's an idiot.”
“Uh.”
“I'm not an idiot, you're an idiot, Matsumoto.”
“Uh.”
Matsumoto handed him another shot of nasty tasting vodka. “Here. This one is cherry flavored. It tastes like cough syrup.”
“Is this the new form of torture among kidnappers?” Shige held the shot glass gingerly at his mouth, wondering if he would get hit if he refused to drink it. “Getting your victims drunk off of the worst tasting alcohol you can find?”
“That's a good idea, actually,” Kame chirped from where he appeared next to him. Again. How on earth did that guy manage it? “I'll have to remember to tell Nino about it.”
“Tell me about what?” Nino tipped the shot glass in Shige's mouth, grinning as he spluttered. “Torturing people with nasty tasting alcohol?”
“It's a gift,” Kame corrected, watching Shige with a strange gleam in his eyes. “Gifting people with nasty tasting alcohol.”
“What are you guys planning on doing to me?” Shige finally demanded as he finished swallowing what was arguably the worst tasting, shittiest vodka he had ever drank, and he was at some pretty wild college parties-you'd be surprised at the shit that showed up when college students wanted to get drunk and didn't have money for decent booze.
Kame tapped a finger against his lip thoughtfully. “Well, I figured I'd murder you. Or drug you and rape you. And then take pictures and send them to Yamapi. But that'd be a little overkill, wouldn't it?”
“You really should just pick one, Kame-chan,” Matsumoto said. To Shige, he said, “Hello, kidnapped-person. You have an atrocious sense of fashion, did you know?”
*
“I don't see what Yamashita sees in you,” Kame said thoughtfully. “He's actually hot, and you're clearly not, Kidnapped-kid.”
“Oh God,” Shige muttered. “Can you guys at least call me by my name? Shige. It's not too hard.”
“Nah.” Kame grinned. “You're kidnapped, and you're a kid.”
“Tm only a year younger than you.”
Kame smirked. “Exactly my point.”
Shige groaned. “Look, Kame, whoever you are. I don't understand why you kidnapped me, beyond the fact that Yamashita-senpai thinks that I'm hot, but I assure you, he's wrong-”
“Pi's never wrong,” Jin said. “I think you're wrong.”
Shige closed his eyes, wondering if that would make the whole thing go away.
“Oi, wake up.” A prod. “Junno wants to know if you're interesting in playing Harvest Moon with him.”
Shige stared incredulously at Nino. “Harvest Moon.”
Nino rolled his eyes. “Junno's being a sore loser. He says he won't play me anymore, since I keep kicking his ass and screwing up his turns.”
“Harvest Moon,” Shige repeated.
“What, would you rather play King's Cup?”
*
“You know, this would all be over if you would just die.”
Shige stared at Kame. “That's a bit mean,” he managed.
Kame stared back at him. “Of course it's mean. I kidnapped you.”
*
Yamashita-senpai showed up drunk, hanging off of Jin, and mumbling to Kame, “I didn't mean for you to kidnap Shige-kun. He's my kohai. This is presenting a bad example.”
“Just go to sleep, Yamashita,” Kame retorted sharply. “You're drunk, and probably high.”
“Can you un-kidnap Shige-kun? I don't want to be a bad senpai.”
There was a pause while Kame stared at a drunk Yamashita-senpai and Akanishi. Then he said slowly, “Fine.”
“Thanks, Kazuya. You're the be-be-best person in the town.” Yamashita laughed to himself.
“Yamashita-senpai?” Shige tried to say from where he sat with his wrists tied behind his back.
“Shut up,” Kame hissed at him. “Shut up, shut up, shut up. Why do you have to be here? Why can't you just go away?”
“Didn't you kidnap him first, Kame-chan?” Matsumoto drawled. He leaned against the doorway. “Isn't it just a bit counter-productive to kidnap somebody and then ask him to go away?”
Kame stared at the ground.
“If you untie me, I'll go away,” Shige offered, trying to be helpful.
Yamashita laughed. “Untie. Un-kidnap.”
Jin laughed raucously beside him.
Nino stared at them. “I don't know what the fuck is going on, but all I can say is that this was a stupid idea.” He turned to Shige. “Let's go, kidnapped-kid. Let's put you back where we found you.”
*
Shige woke up in a library, drooling on his books.
“Hi, Shige-kun.” The man across from him beamed around the heavy textbooks stacked between them.
Shige stared. It was hard to force his throat to work properly.
“Do you think you could help me on this assignment? I just don't understand it at all. Harvest Moon is much easier than this. Ah, but I suppose this is a bit more violent than Harvest Moon. I mean, it's hard to milk a cow with this book, but I think I could easily bludgeon somebody with this. Ahh, sometimes it's hard to figure out how to do things. Kame's always really vague when he says things like, 'Make it look like an accident.'”
“Junno.”
“Actually it's Taguchi. Iriguchi, deguchi, Taguchi desu!”
End.
Masterlist of fandoms here
Masterlist of Jpop fanfiction here