Look, I have a few new avatars. Not many, but. Some.

I'm having ... identity issues, I dunno. Not gender, no, that's fine, mainly -- I mean a name, a personality, a life. Sam doesn't fit me well, I guess, but that's not my main concern, there are thousands of names and I can look through them until I find what's right or some bullshit like that. ( Read more... )

-being a girl
-sucking at being a girl
-sucking at being a guy
-sucking at a lot of things
-the haunting knowledge that i'll never make it anywhere in a dance career
-my muscular, stocky body, which will not allow me to make it far in dance
-knowing that i'm not good enough or interested enough in anything else as a second choice after dance]
-the girl ( Read more... )

So, something has to be seriously wrong with me. I mean that int he worst sense.

I mean, I'm not some eleven-year-old who thinks being depressed or scizophrenic is kewl and hip. It's not gonna make me write any better, and it's not gonna make me anything interseting.

It's just I want something to explain the following:

A) why I fuck up at everything ( Read more... )

I started this entry with a purpose and then I forgot what it was.

Let's fabricate one.

I've gotten better, I think, about when people sort of insult it, but I'm still ... super religious, to be honest -- not in the "I read the Bible three times a day" way but the "I don't really care what you say, I believe anyways" way. I feel bad losing respect ( Read more... )

wait a second let me check --

yep, still a fuck-up.

"I mean I don't know what to do. I get yelled at for using a specific program over another, being told I needed a reason for preferring it -- I told them, I said I knew how it worked and I was fine with it and saw no need to switch but no I'm wrong again. I tell them I don't really care and apparently it's an awful attitude. But just months ago I ( Read more... )

It's friday, so I went to my group -- it's supposed to be like 'women's issues,' which is naturally lolsome for me. But I went to group, and I like this because my counselors are nice and accepting and get us teenagers instead of blowing us off because we're hormonal. We did this guided relaxation thing, in the dark with candles and everything, it ( Read more... )

came home today, tried to play mass effect, dog had eaten the control sticks off my 360 and gamecube controllers

yesterday she trashed my card collection

all i can think is what next

i tried to take a walk, you know, to see if the cold or the fresh air or exercise would calm me down, which it almost did, but on the way back towards my house i started ( Read more... )

but I don't know how to um say it you know?

God I don't know what's wrong with me anymore -- at first I was ok for a week and I thought maybe I'm getting better, maybe I'm cheering up, I don't have to deal with myself anymore and now --

i came home today and found these shoes I know cost like 65 dollars torn up in the snow out back -- dog had gotten ( Read more... )

holy crap whyyyyy

But first good:

I went to turnabout in one kickin' suit, suspenders and all. Owned the dance floor... all the songs were things I knew from classes, you know, so I had a routine for everything and they even played one of my recital pieces which was sweet even if I didn't count the beginning and sort of had to bullshit it. My friends ( Read more... )