Advice column meme from Lytton
Ask any character I've written for advice, and he or she will provide it, advice columnist style. Fictional characters' problems are welcome too.
For additional giggles, read how I totally corrupted her meme here.
For additional giggles, read how I totally corrupted her meme here.
Comments 59
there is this girl I like, but there is a lot standing between us (eternal damnation, treason, this unfortunate incident of kicking her out of my bed after she broke her vow of chastity for me). I hope to win her over in the next two or three centuries though. Any pointers?
Hopeful,
Trying-to-go-three-days without-Drinking
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-D
Sent from Iphone
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she is the most beautiful woman in the world and I worship the ground she walks on. Also, I would kill everyone who dared to touch her, so don't get any ideas
I'll-cut-you-while-you're-sleeping formerly known as Trying-to-go-three-days without-Drinking
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Not good enough. post pics. preferably nude ones
-D
Sent from Iphone
OK OK seriously, I gots this man. If the girl you are talking about is who I think it is, you might have to do something crazy stupid, like cut off a finger, to prove your undying devotion. Raye can be a crazy bitch, so just do everything that she says and you should be cherry.
Of course, a surprise trip to the Maldives on your private plane wouldn't hurt. Hit up Harry Winston beforehand and she'll be slobbing your knob in no time.
You're welcome.
-D
Raye/Rei can't read this right
Sent from Iphone
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my friends mock me and don't really take me seriously, even though I'm supposed to be the leader of our group.
What can I do to win their respect?
Terrified,
LavenderLover2114
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Or fuck one of their gfs before they even met and drop it into casual conversation when they mock you. Like as follows:
Jason shoots a 3 over my head: "Ha, take that, bitch."
Me: "I HAD SEX WITH RAYE!!!" :D
Jason: D:
Works every time.
-D
Sent from Iphone
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thank you for the advice! Luckily, the woman in charge of the gate of time and space has a crush on me and I think I can get her to let me travel back in time.
Now, the questions are:
1) Which woman to chose? The girlfriend of my best friend (whom everybody takes seriously and who only mocks me very kindly), the girlfriend-to-be of the meanest mocker of them all, the shy woman who is with the smartest teaser or the wife of my strongest friend who has a slight problem forgiving breaches of trust (as in: ever)?
2) How to deal with my own wife once she found out I slept with one of her friends in the best?
Sincerely,
Logistically-confused-in-the-future
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Tough one. I'm going to say...all four!! Go big or go home, amirite? :D
Secondly, if your wife is anything like mine, she'll be OK as long as everything happened in the past, before you two met. Hell, she might even think it's horribly kinky and then you can have awesome role-playing bedroom time with wigs and stilettos and whips and....
Maybe you're not ready for that.
-D
Sent from Iphone
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my friends tell me I'm a hopeless alcoholic, when really, I just like to the take the edge off at times. Help me get them off my back.
Best,
Whiskey-is-teh-answer
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Shit brah i knows what you feelin'. what kind of friends are these? if they your ride-or-die bros, then give them 1/10th of your full attention because they may know your shit better than u. that should get them off yo back for a few weeks. c if they have any vices themselves, like, i dont know- COCAINE, KEVIN! or PRON, NOAH!! everyones got their shit, no one's a saint, so take it w/ grain of salt.
on the other hand, if they just some schwag haters, then fuck tha POlice, u know what i mean lol
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they are my ride-or-die bros, as you put it, and the annoying thing about them is that they are fucking perfect. They chill by reading Nietzsche, walking their dogs, and cooking with their better halves. I do not have a better half.
Which brings me to another question: is it okay to fuck some pretty girl for shits and giggles while I wait for my one true love to realise I'm not a piece of scum?
Best,
Whiskey-is-still-teh-answer
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2nd question: if she's not seein anyone else, which im hoping she's not, especially one of your friends, then a playa's gotta play
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The girl I like can't stand me and won't give me the time of day. I've tried to be charming, but she won't have any of it. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Lost in the Highlands.
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Hey man i might be up there this year!!! mind if i crash w/ u for a few days? I got some mean buds, bro, and dont mind sharing
for your prob: smoke some buds then give her the shocker LOL jk
confidence my young urchin!! fake it till u make it. take a few shotz of that highlander scotch and act like u's got the biggest dick on earth. well, 2nd biggest. im still alive :D
420 smoke weed everyday
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you are so dreamy and I don't understand why your girlfriend minded so much about the lovely pearl necklace. I'd love to get a pearl necklace, but my boyfriend hasn't given me a present in ages. Might have to do with the fact that he built us a house a few years ago, but really, I'd love some bling! They make Hello Kitty! diamond necklaces, did you know that?
Anyway. My question is: how can I get my boyfriend to give me a nice present?
Hopeful,
I-like-them-tall-and-handsome
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Thank you for your email. Mr. Chaston will respond at the earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Paul McGowan
Paul McGowan
Executive Assistant
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On behalf of my gender, I apologize for not being able to read minds. If you would like a gift from your boyfriend, the best and most efficient way is to just ask for it. It may not be the most romantic, but believe me, we don't pick up on hints and innuendo.
Another solution is to ask him to give you your own AmEx black card and then just buy whatever you like with it.
If you are uncomfortable with the direct approach, have a trusted mutual friend--especially one that is female--as the intermediary to clue him in.
Now if you'll excuse me, my sister just texted me to buy my girlfriend some new sculptures and a handbag since I forgot to feed the cat yesterday.
Kevin Chaston
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