Advice column meme from Lytton

[venusorbit1]

Ask any character I've written for advice, and he or she will provide it, advice columnist style. Fictional characters' problems are welcome too.

For additional giggles, read how I totally corrupted her meme here.

Comments

[verisimilitude9]

Dear Darien,

What would you do if someone said, in your hearing, to one of the Sugars:

"Your inner thighs smell like blueberries?"

-Collects Bad Pickup Lines in Detroit

[venusorbit1]

Dear Detroit:

That mofo would be picking his teeth out of the carpet. Keep a crowbar in your Ferrari just for that purpose. I find that a high-carbon 24" is the best choice to keep under the seat. They call them "Wrecking bars" at Home Depot, I guess because "crowbar" doesn't convey the "Imma fuck you up" like a wrecking bar does.

-D

Sent from Iphone

[lovelylytton]

Dear Jason,

your sister is really hot. She looks like someone I know, but can never hook up with because she's with a mate. Mind spotting me your sister's number?

Best,

Horny Journalist

[venusorbit1]

Dear Horny:

Sure thing. Her number is (212) 555-FUCKYOU!!! That's my sister! And she's already hooked up; it's bad enough that Darien taunts me with it when we're balling.

~Jason F. Aino
Aino Designs LLC

[satine86]

Dear Jason,

What is your best advice for spending an entire day doing nothing when I should really be working?

(Also can I be your groupie?)

Much love, Satine.

[venusorbit1]

Dear Satine

[ellorgast]

Dear Kevin,

I don't know how to talk to girls. Especially ones who are beautiful and outgoing and full of life. I usually just don't say anything when she's around but I fear this is worsening the situation. How do I say something? What do I say? This is all very difficult.

Signed,

The Silent Type

[venusorbit1]

Dear Silent:

Thank you for your email. Mr. Chaston will respond at the earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Paul McGowan

Paul McGowan
Executive Assistant

[venusorbit1]

Dear Silent

[lovelylytton]

Dear Ace,

as someone who has often been accused of being careless with other people and their feelings, let me ask you: are you, like me, acting out because you are suffering on the inside or are you just a dick?

And because this is an advice column, let me stick in another question: as an admirer of art, I'd like to know how would you deal with someone stealing your artwork and presenting it as their own. Yeah: hinting the hint and nudging the nudge.

Curious,

Never-to-early-for-booze

[venusorbit1]

Dear whoever:

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about and I won't deign to respond, plebeian.

Ace

[lovelylytton]

Memo to Ace, from YOUR EDITOR, aka THE PERSON WHO PAYS YOU, regarding: work ethic.

Ace,

last warning. Answer people's letters or I'll set you on fire (literally) before I fire you (metaphorically).

Sincerely,

your editor.

[venusorbit1]

Since when do I have an editor? I'm an independent artist! I answer to no one!

Also my dad gives me moneys so I dont starve