revelation: no one will belive my problem is dangerous until it actually is dangerous. no one can see this pain i'm feeling unless i make them see it. no one will care until they feel they are needed. I want to starve. I want people to notice me losing weight. it isnt about being attractive anymore it is about being noticed and feeling like people ( Read more... )

SO i had a doctors appointment today which was kind of wierd cause there was nothing i really needed to go in for... she just asked me about my school work and how i was doing. The strange thing is is that i honestly wanted her to know about all the shit going on. i didnt want to tell her. i didnt want to have to say that i am bulimic and suicidal ( Read more... )

back from idaho. fasted for the first 3 days and was doing great. then i had a craving for a mc flurry and it all went down the drain. I'll try again tomorrow. Bought some energy pills and stocked up on sugar free red bull (10 cals a can!) while in the US which is sweet. Also, i've been reading marya hornbacker's 'Wasted' and its amazing. there are ( Read more... )

had a massive mental breakdown today. An essay i'd been working on dissapeared on my computer and i just snapped. Cried for about 2 hours strait and by cry i mean: wailed. I dont think my dad knew what to do with me. I dont even know what i was crying about. Obviously i was mad about the essay but i just remember that i started picturing all the ( Read more... )

There is nothing i can say that will translate how i am feeling right now. I tried holding my breath. I didnt mean to but i was trying to unplug my nose from crying so much, and it just felt so right. When i started to get dizzy it felt like everything was ok again. Now i feel as though i am totally removed from everyting going on around me. I cant ( Read more... )

Ate nothing today. wasnt hard at all. i have dance

best song ever: B4-4 'get down on me'. A) it reminds me of when i was 'young and free' to quote the song (i'm listening to it riiiight now) cause i was at my happy stage when this song came out B)i just love the harmony in it i dont even care if the guy ws probably casterated. his problem not mine. and C) it just makes me think of mike... thats ( Read more... )

i was happy in choir for once. Woke up to find a big bowl of candy for me from my dad for valentines day. What did i do? ate like 3 pieces and took 3/4 and put it all in a bag. took it to school and GAVE IT ALL AWAY. ate nothing else. came home. had about 10 more candies adn that was it. Went to my freinds house. she was eating out of a carton of ( Read more... )

I fucked myself over with this mike thing. since he called i cant stop thinking abotu him and anticipating going out with him again. i just want him to have changed and i want him to come back to me confessing that he tried to forget about me and how much he loved me but he just couldnt but i dont think that is going to happen. He hasnt called me ( Read more... )

ok so i cant read other peoples posts on lj. i have decided this. becuase either they are talking about how they binged and that just shows me that there is no hope and i am doomed to follow this cycle forever, or it is about people who are happy that everything they are doing is working and they talk about loosing weight. the latter just makes me ( Read more... )