Hm, what comes to mind in reading that "likeability" stuff is that it is confusing professional / formal interactions for friendship.
If I were to make a guide for how computer consultants should conduct themselves in business, it would look a lot like that.
If I were to make a guide to how someone should behave with a friend, it would look very different.
Likeability is not a minor thing - people are attracted to those who give them what they want. Like, duh. But being a whore about it seems as self-destructive as being surly and unpleasant all the time. That's just not the way people operate in real life.
The factors that attract and repel people are irrational, often even unhealthy. We all like different things, and part of maturity is learning to like things that are good for us. Also, to be what we like, rather than demanding it of other people.
The difference you pointed out between business and social interactions is one of the essential problems I have to face. For someone with a mood disorder, I might be asking too much of myself to have to "put on" different behaviour 40 hours a week. I'm not saying I could never learn how to get along with people well enough to function happily in a steady job, but I would be happiest in circumstances offering me freedom to work alone when I need to. There are numerous examples of creative people who achieve success despite having difficult or reclusive personalities. But part of this process involves scrutinizing the standards by which I measure my own success.
What this makes me think of is how the world changes when I'm nice to people. Not the nice of just being myself and not being mean, but the nice of feeling happy, smiling, and saying hello to folks or striking up random impromptu conversations. People are nice to me back, and the whole world works great.
I don't know how well that would work if I weren't happy first, though. But it's probably something I should experiment with. Even if I'm just so-so on the happiness scale, maybe I should try it out.
The problem, which I didn't state clearly here, is that people with anxiety disorder try too hard to be nice and take it too personally when people don't respond the right way. I never learned what it meant to just be myself, I was too preoccupied with acting happy. There must be a balance somewhere.
I'm not sure how to read this, but when *I* scored the quiz according to what I've seen of people's reactions to you, you did pretty well. So while the test is BS cause it's all about trying to get people to buy his books and videos and tests and lectures and keychains and mugs and monogrammed toilet paper ... perhaps one is also inclined to score oneself too harshly?
Our facilitator's point was that people with anxiety disorders are overly concerned with trying to be likeable, in fact we are usually very likeable and our personalities tend to endear us to those around us. Of course we will judge ourselves too harshly. This test really is useless. My time will be better spent working on assertiveness than likeability.
Competitiveness is the urge to win. I've known competitive people who were not assertive, but devious and malicious. Assertiveness is stating one's case, demanding one's rights and exerting influence honestly. Good alliances depend on it.
You will discover that nothing feels better, and is better for everyone around you, than achieving the highest Likeability Factor possible . . .
Until such time as all truth is welcomed everywhere and passion, even for something not universally liked, is accepted as one of the highest goods, this statement will continue to be pure, unmitigated bullshit.
I think Bourne is right. You cannot control what people think, and trying to do so is co-dependent (not to mention self-defeating). I had an old boyfriend who used to say (on a regular basis), very sweetly, "Katrina, the world doesn't revolve around you." He said it whenever I was assuming somebody else's bad attitude or behavior was my fault. It was a good lesson, very freeing
( ... )
Apparently I am fairly likeable in person, too, although shy in most circumstances. That icon is actually one of my oldest, taken about four years ago. I don't use it very often, only when it is advantageous or amusing to make myself look angry.
Comments 18
If I were to make a guide for how computer consultants should conduct themselves in business, it would look a lot like that.
If I were to make a guide to how someone should behave with a friend, it would look very different.
Likeability is not a minor thing - people are attracted to those who give them what they want. Like, duh. But being a whore about it seems as self-destructive as being surly and unpleasant all the time. That's just not the way people operate in real life.
Reply
The difference you pointed out between business and social interactions is one of the essential problems I have to face. For someone with a mood disorder, I might be asking too much of myself to have to "put on" different behaviour 40 hours a week. I'm not saying I could never learn how to get along with people well enough to function happily in a steady job, but I would be happiest in circumstances offering me freedom to work alone when I need to. There are numerous examples of creative people who achieve success despite having difficult or reclusive personalities. But part of this process involves scrutinizing the standards by which I measure my own success.
Reply
I don't know how well that would work if I weren't happy first, though. But it's probably something I should experiment with. Even if I'm just so-so on the happiness scale, maybe I should try it out.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Until such time as all truth is welcomed everywhere and passion, even for something not universally liked, is accepted as one of the highest goods, this statement will continue to be pure, unmitigated bullshit.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment