that_dang_otter makes a very good point about behaving differently in different contexts. The one-size-fits-all just doesn't work when it comes to relationships. I also share your apprehension about where social skills end and people pleasing starts. That's not an easy line to draw.
On the other hand, I've also seen how much less anxiety I have about people liking me, the more social skills I have and use. If I can deal with the mundane stuff -- making small talk, not getting caught in random stranger's moods, driving in a way that is assertive without getting me honked at etc. -- then I can relax and be me and be more detached about the outcome.
So having some theoretical knowledge and confidence that I can use it, helps me. On the whole seeing it as a skill to acquire rather than something that determines whether I'm a good or bad person, makes it less loaded for me. Amusingly that got a lot easier when I moved abroad.
Amusingly that got a lot easier when I moved abroad.
That's interesting. I wonder if moving to a new place is anything like a religious conversion, or coming out. It gives one a chance to experiment with a new identity and different behaviours without being judged in relationship to the past. When I came out and lost my old social network, I stopped using my first name and started using my middle one. The change invigorated me. For a while I became more active and extraverted.
My personal problem in this area is that I was raised to "be nice to everyone" which equated to being everyone's friend. This can be just as self destructive as relying too much on what people think of you. In my case it meant that I kept some people as friends who I shouldn't have. Instead of the relationships being equal give and take, these were people who were whirling holes of negative energy. They sucked all that I had to give and more. Coming to accept that I could end these friendship was a huge thing for me, and one that I still struggle with.
Ultimately though, it has helped me to be who I am. I am comfortable in letting like to call to like and I don't feel I have to fit into anyone else's mold. I know I have improvement to do on inner issues, but now I do it for myself - because I want to, not because I feel I have to. It's very liberating. Good for you for examining your own inner issues this way!
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On the other hand, I've also seen how much less anxiety I have about people liking me, the more social skills I have and use. If I can deal with the mundane stuff -- making small talk, not getting caught in random stranger's moods, driving in a way that is assertive without getting me honked at etc. -- then I can relax and be me and be more detached about the outcome.
So having some theoretical knowledge and confidence that I can use it, helps me. On the whole seeing it as a skill to acquire rather than something that determines whether I'm a good or bad person, makes it less loaded for me. Amusingly that got a lot easier when I moved abroad.
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That's interesting. I wonder if moving to a new place is anything like a religious conversion, or coming out. It gives one a chance to experiment with a new identity and different behaviours without being judged in relationship to the past. When I came out and lost my old social network, I stopped using my first name and started using my middle one. The change invigorated me. For a while I became more active and extraverted.
Reply
My personal problem in this area is that I was raised to "be nice to everyone" which equated to being everyone's friend. This can be just as self destructive as relying too much on what people think of you. In my case it meant that I kept some people as friends who I shouldn't have. Instead of the relationships being equal give and take, these were people who were whirling holes of negative energy. They sucked all that I had to give and more. Coming to accept that I could end these friendship was a huge thing for me, and one that I still struggle with.
Ultimately though, it has helped me to be who I am. I am comfortable in letting like to call to like and I don't feel I have to fit into anyone else's mold. I know I have improvement to do on inner issues, but now I do it for myself - because I want to, not because I feel I have to. It's very liberating. Good for you for examining your own inner issues this way!
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