Stranger in the Passenger Seat (For Bluespire)
Stranger in the Passenger Seat
a story in three parts.
Author: Riastarstruck
Rating: R
Summary: This is the tale of how they met, fell in love and got their lives back to where they were meant to be on a road trip to LA
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the order of words
Warning: a bit angsty at times…. Shut up, I know it’s Christmas but it’s me we’re talking about. Also, this has nothing to do with Christmas...
Author's Notes: So this is for the wonderful bluespire, who wanted a story about the moment of attraction, the tensions both sexual and emotional before BANG! It happens. I think I got it…. Maybe not so much in this part but in the others it’s there! I hope you like it, it was like pulling teeth to get it out.
So Merry Christmas, I hope you like it.
Stranger in the Passenger Seat
by riastarstruck
For bluespire
The beginning
The beginning is always the hardest part. It’s a split second in time out of a hundred thousand just like it. How do you look back and think on how it all started when it’s impossible to remember all the seconds that passed before.
Your life can change in the space between one heartbeat and the next, an errant thought which on any other day would have passed by unnoticed, but for some reason, some inexplicable, undefinable reason on that day it stuck. That’s all it takes to change your world.
Some stories have false starts, the moment after or the moment before it all began. They neaten it, cut off the rough edges and package it all up with a big bow, they make it accessible. Because how do you describe the days and weeks of indecision beforehand, the tensions and thoughts that mounts inside. Sometimes it’s just so much easier to start from the explosion; that moment where the change is almost palpable, the second where your heart shifts beats, where your mind clicks into place, where the road between choices is clear before you.
The beginning is the hardest part, but our pasts make us, they shift our futures and define our characters. No story is easy like they say it is in movies and books, there are hundreds of beginnings, thousands of roads in between, and how can a story ever truly end?
Chapter One
The first thing Bam knew about Ville was that he wanted to die.
The first thing he saw of the other man was a silhouette against the late afternoon sky as he drove down a rundown road outside of town.
Driving in ever expanding circles out of sometimes oppressive town was Bam’s way of blowing off steam and finding some kind of escape from the hollow monotony his life had become. Though most of the time he managed to ignore the shadow of dissatisfaction which ghosted his every step, sometimes it became too much. He went to work and went home, had drinks with Jen and the few friends he had remaining in West Chester and sometimes it was easy to forget he had given up everything he had ever wanted out of loyalty and fear.
He slowed the shitty blue car he’d borrowed from his mum, pulling over to the side of the road and watched the other man through the windshield.
There was nothing particularly remarkable about him or what he was doing, just a tired thin man, sitting in the late afternoon sun, but there was something about the slump of his shoulders and the distant look in his eyes which suggested there was so much more going on than a drifter pausing to admire the scenery. It was like there was an aura of sadness tangible through the distance between them, some indefinable thing that whispered to Bam that this was something more then it appeared that this shadow of loneliness he felt reaching out to touch his own was dangerous and corrosive and unbearably real.
The man sat on the flaking handrail of the disused railway bridge; a battered guitar case lay on the ground beside a graffiti covered rucksack, powdered with dust and worn through over use, there was something beautiful about them sitting so unremarkably beside the road, as though they held a hundred stories of a life far more adventurous and interesting then his own.
His clothes were well worn and pressed close to his thin frame when the wind blew up from the water below; making the frayed edges of the old Black Sabbath t-shirt flutter in the breeze appearing liquid against his torso. His dark locks blew up around his head in a chaos of dark curls, whipping around his face and lifting up to the sky.
Bam got out of the car and leant against the warmed hood, watching as the strangers scuffed sneakers kicked out before him, a shoelace dangling down towards the rushing water below. He couldn’t say how long he stood there, basking in the warmth of the late afternoon light and the silent feeling of comradely with this total stranger. He let the quite stretch around him as he watched the foreign man contemplate the roadwork of marks on his shoes.
When the man closed his eyes, tilting his head back to the warmth of the sun and let his hands rise from the handrail either side of him Bam watched as his shoulders relaxed as he leant forward, his face losing the tension Bam had noticed seemed to seize his face in a silent agony.
“Are you going to jump?” Bam’s voice surprised himself, tumbling out of his mouth and leaping over the space between them, the sound loud over the rush of water below.
The man didn’t startle, instead just tilted his head to face Bam, eyeing him curiously for a moment before seeming to dismiss his presence, returning his empty gaze to the water below.
Bam would have left it at that, left the stranger to whatever was awaiting him, but as he contemplated getting back in the car and heading into town, where he would have to deal with Jen and his mum and explain to his boss why he hadn’t shown for work that morning, a deep voice broke through his thoughts.
“It’s a pretty enough place to die.” His voice was like the crunch of shoes over gravel, dry and rasping as though it had been a while since he’d last spoken.
Bam contemplated his surroundings and supposed that was true, the wild overgrown area outside town seemed serene with the rushing water and the warm afternoon air. He moved forward to lean against the handrail beside the stranger.
“I’d prefer old age myself.” The man lifted his head and Bam saw a smirk flitter across his face.
“Liar.” The word hung between them, “You look far too proud to suffer the indignity of old age.” Bam felt a smile pulling at the corner of his lips as he shrugged.
They sunk into quite, the man’s hands returned to the railing and Bam found himself watching the gentle sway of his sneakers.
“I’m Bam.” Bam didn’t look up, but he could see in his periphery as the man frowned and looked towards him. “My name,” he clarified, “is Bam.” The man nodded focusing on the progress his nail was making with flicking off the peeling paint of the metal handrail.
“Mine’s Ville.” There was a foreign lilt to the name, a flourish where an American never would place one. Bam mouthing the single word to himself as they sunk back into silence as the shadows began to lengthen and the chill of the wind blowing up from the water below began to cling to Bam’s clothes, trapping the cool close to his skin.
With a spur of movement Bam pushed himself off the handrail and headed towards the car.
“I’m going to a bar, you wanna come?” somehow he knew there were only two outcomes to this, if he accepted there would be a new chapter to each of their lives, however brief it may be. There was something which buzzed between them and even if they only shared one drink that buzz had the potential to change everything. The other option, Bam knew somehow instinctively, would mean he would never see Ville again, and the chances where nobody else would either. It disturbed him how easily he accepted this fact. His friend Novak, who had lost himself to drugs barely a year ago told Bam once that if somebody ever truly wanted to die, nothing in this world could stop them.
He leaned against the open door of the car watching Ville eye him over his shoulder, stray curls whipping across his face and obscured his eyes in waves. Ville glanced back out over the rushing water a look of peace on his face which hardened to something hollow and cold as he swung his legs back over the rail. Picking his bags up in an elegant swoop he headed towards the car, throwing them into the back seat with little finesse before lowering himself into the passenger seat with a quirked brow and a ghost of a smile across his lips.
Bam stood looking over the roof of the car for a moment, biting his lip as he wondered at the strange flair of something in his chest; it was a nice change to the emptiness which had been growing inside him for months.
~*~*~*~VvV~*~*~*~
The first thing Ville knew about Bam was that there was more going on in his head then he let others know.
The bar was sultry and overcrowded, full of dark corners and sticky tables. Bars were the same no matter where in the world you are. There was some comfort to that, he was halfway across the world and it felt like he could be home, if it wasn’t for the raucous voices all around him shouting in English he could almost close his eyes and dream it.
His companion kept up a steady stream of conversation, a buzz of meaningless words which offered no comfort and held no meaning besides filling the void between them. Ville found himself joining in, laughing at stupid jokes and stories Bam told, a tinge of sadness in his voice as he spoke about friends who had moved on some time ago, left the small home town they had all grown up in together and moved away to the bright lights of larger cities, pursuing jobs they cared about and women they desired. Ville felt a twist in his stomach when Bam spoke about these strangers chasing their dreams; he wondered what they had found on the other end of the country, if all their expectations had come crashing down around them leaving them reeling and disillusioned.
When Bam spoke fondly about one man, Novak, his eyes grew distant and empty, a shadow falling across his face and a bitter twist of his lip, a look that Ville had seen on too many faces since he’d gotten here.
As he felt himself lulled by easy company, away from the harsh angles of loneliness and the endless suffocation of the things he had tried to leave behind and the thoughts which pulled at the fringes of his mind; he felt something he had always been aware of, like comforting presence of an old friend. He to call it the song of the night. It was the hum beneath the clutter of sounds, a pulsating energy Ville though he could sometimes see. He imagined it in brilliant sparks of blue and green electricity and the haze of red smoke twirling and dancing between the strangers in the bar. A flare of attraction and a spark of anger, he could hear the music which whispered to him always, the rift of a phantom guitar as the girl at the bar twirled in her boyfriends’ arms, her eyes lingering on the bartender as they share a secret smile. There was a pulse of heavy drums as figures moved through the darkness, primal beats, raw and uncensored suggesting something primeval and earthy in this dance of desire that took place before him and then there, whispering from the dark shadows of the room were the words he always heard, tales of love and death, obsession and need, love stories that transcended the bounds of earthly desires. If he closed his eyes he could picture them, swirling from smoke to form in front of his eyes the lyrics that he held so close to his heart.
He swallowed a mouthful of cheap beer too quickly and gritted his teeth through the burn of the bubbles. It was only then that Ville realised Bam had stopped speaking, his hand fisted around his glass as he glared across the room.
A thin dark haired girl sat in the lap of a hulking tattooed man, his thick arm snaked around her waist as she threw her head back and laughed. She leant down and kissed him, even from across the room Ville could see the excessive amount of tongue used as he tried to ignore the very obvious hand which was sneaking up her skirt.
“Friend of yours?” Ville asked, just because he didn’t like the quite wounded expression on his new friends face. Bam seemed to shake himself out of his stare, shrugging as he eyed the ring of condensation on the table, running his finger through the perfect circle.
“Could say that.” He muttered darkly, but Ville noted, not sadly. “She’s my girlfriend.” Ville nodded and took another swig from his glass, glancing again at the manicured girl currently having her tonsils examined.
There was something else going on inside Bam, nobody, no matter how open their relationship might be, could calmly sit across the bar and watch their girlfriend fucking around on them. Ville thought it might have something to do with the shadow of understanding he’d seen in Bam’s stupidly blue eyes on the bridge that afternoon. The curl of tense muscle that didn’t relax even when it seemed Bam was completely at ease.
It was an air of tension and built up violence which seemed to radiate off the other man; his stories suggested a past full of extreme pranks and a fearlessness which only children and madmen possessed, but the man sitting in front of him, with his tired eyes that watched his girlfriend and another man with little more than resignation, the man that had muttered about missing a shift at work and having to make up the hours on the drive over here, this tired, exhausted looking man who eyed the drunk idiots in the bar with a mixture of resentment, envy and loneliness seemed one of the last people who would willingly throw themselves at full speed towards a curb in a shopping cart.
Bam forced a smile which was almost painful to look at when he averted his gaze from across the room. He resumed conversation but it felt somehow lacking, the carefree persona Ville had witnessed moments before had an edge of ice to it, as though a shield had gone up somehow and Bam had simply taken a step back from reality, numbed himself to the hurt of dissatisfaction.
By nine o’clock Ville new more about the town and the complete discography of his brothers band then he did about Bam. The ringing of his phone interrupted Bam mid-sentence and he trailed off as he eyed the name flashing across the screen, Ville wondered at the frown, one quick glance across the room showed it wasn’t his girlfriend, but the clenching of Bam's jaw suggested it was somebody he wasn’t overly excited to hear from. With a sigh and a nod to himself he answered the call, shrugging apologetically to Ville.
It was strange to see the play of emotions which flickered across Bam’s face so clearly, Ville preferred to lock his own feelings away behind walls, only allowing them to bleed through in the lyrics he hid in a battered notebook at the bottom of his rucksack, he had always been uncomfortable displaying more then he wanted others to know, he didn’t want them to know when he was sad or lonely, he didn’t want them to pry into the deep recesses of his mind where even he couldn’t put words to the thoughts which plagued him; they were the hum which never ceased, an energy he expelled in the only way he could -though it had been a month and several hundred miles between him and the last time he had been able to delve that deeply and express all those feelings which ached inside him.
It wasn’t something he missed, the need went beyond simply missing it, it was a burn inside him and a hollowness which he couldn’t place, but every time he tried to write, to pluck a melody from the strings he knew so well, he found it impossible. The tears would spring to the back of his throat, his head would throb with fury and regret and his hands would shake so hard he couldn’t hold his pen any more. He knew it was his own fault, but he couldn’t bring himself to head back to that, it was nightmares in the waking world, a sickness he wouldn’t let eat him up, he ran because it was the only thing he had been able to do at the time.
Bam’s hands gripped the table in a white knuckled grip and he leant forward trying to block out the sounds of the bar. ”Is she alright? What do you mean you don’t know? What about… yeah, yeah of course I’ll be right there. Is it… no I know, how’s Jess? Yeah, okay, I’m leaving now.” He hung up without a goodbye then stared at the table for a moment, eyes wide and expression like a small child’s.
When it didn’t seem like Bam was going to move Ville hesitantly broke his reverie.
“Bad news?” Bam's wide eyes found Ville’s face and blinked slowly a couple of times before Bam seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts.
“Yeah, my brother and his girlfriend -fiancée,” he corrected like he’d had to pull himself up on the mistake quite a bit, “got into a car crash, she’s pregnant. Apparently there might be something wrong with it.” Ville felt his face go slack at the news before he lifted himself out of the chair.
“Come on, you gotta go.” Bam nodded and slowly stood up, glancing around the table in what looked like desperation for some kind of distraction.
Ville led the other man out of the crowded bar and over to his car. They stood awkwardly beside it for a moment as Bam studied the paintwork on the roof and Ville eyed his bags through the window.
“I’m not so good at hospitals.” Bam finally admitted, fiddling with his keys which jingled pleasantly in the night. “The last time I was in one, my best friend died. I don’t…” he swallowed, “I don’t really wanna watch my niece die there too.” Bam looked absolutely wrecked as he searched Ville’s face for something. Ville reached forward instinctively folding the other man into his arms in an awkward one handed hug but Bam seemed to melt into it, holding Ville against him in a bruising hold which only lasted for a second before Bam pulled away with a look of determination on his face, opening the car door with a creak of old hinges. “Do you…” he looked embarrassed and Ville resisted a smile at how cute he looked when he was shy. “do you think you could come with?” Ville's eyes widened but he found himself nodding just so he could see the relieved look which flashed thought Bam's eyes and the brilliant smile which spread across his face.
“Sure Bam.”
Bam darted through the late evening traffic, his fingers drummed on the steering wheel whenever he was forced to slow down or stop, he kept shooting Ville glances as though to reassure himself he was still there.
When they eventually made it to the hospital Ville was more wary then relieved, he didn’t like these kinds of situations even with his own friends and family, and Bam was a complete stranger to him, he’s known him a total of seven hours and most of that had been spent discussing the history of the town and his brothers band.
As they made it into the emergency waiting room Bam made a beeline towards a small clump of people Ville felt himself lingering a few seats away, uncomfortable with the situation. The worry and fear was plain on the faces of those waiting and Ville didn’t like how easily they all showed it. A middle aged woman stood up and embraced Bam when he got close, clinging to him as Bam patted her back.
Ville watched as they interacted with each other, the two families brought together by their children, they seemed to blend together as though it had always been this way. Even now wracked with worry they spoke softly between themselves, offering support as they received it, Ville knew as he watched them from a few seats away that he wasn’t a part of this world, Bam's world, there was no place here for him.
The huddled families reminded him of his own life in Helsinki, he felt a pang of homesickness rock through him and he averted his gaze so he didn’t have to be reminded of his family and friends who he hadn’t seen or heard from in over a month.
It took Ville a moment to realise that Bam wasn’t taking part in this ritual of mourning, in fact he wasn’t in the waiting room at all. His gaze darted around the large room, scanning the rows of uncomfortable plastic chairs searching for the familiar figure. When he didn’t spot him his gaze was drawn back to the family, one of the men, large with a friendly face and a salt and pepper beard met his gaze and nodded towards a corridor leading off the waiting room. Ville stood up, nodding his thanks and made his way down the wide corridor.
He found him after Ville had spent five minutes wandering the long corridor, the smell of disinfectant and illness getting stronger the further into the belly of the hospital he ventured. Bam was a dark figure hunched over on the floor, his back against the cream coloured walls. His arms around his bent knees he looked like a small child.
Bam spared him a glance when he stopped to stand near him, Bam appeared so small when Ville looked down at him, towering above the sitting form. Ville leant against the wall and allowed gravity to push him down until he rested uncomfortably on the linoleum besides Bam.
Their breaths seemed amplified in the empty corridor, each exhale seeming to Ville light a train whooshing past, and the inhales seemed drawn out and strained. Finally Bam broke the quite, Ville found himself leaning in to hear him, despite the quite of the corridor.
“What do you think it’s like to die?” Ville let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thump, he’d spent his whole life writing songs about it, reading about it from the greatest poets and philosophers of all time, but how could you answer that, when lives Bam was close to could very easily disappear at any moment and he already knew the heartbreak of losing a close and treasured friend.
“I think it’s one of those things we aren’t meant to know, like where the rainbow ends or why it’s called heartbreak when it makes your whole body hurt.” Bam let out a sigh and his shoulders sagged a little.
“Why did you wanna jump today.” Hardly something Ville really wanted to get into, he wasn’t even sure he would have, it was just an idea he was toying with. But some part of him knew it was more than and idle thought he’d decided to explore, it went far deeper than that.
“It wasn’t to find out what was next, I don’t care, it was…” he trailed off trying to find words that fit. “Sometimes I can’t stand this anymore. It’s all so bullshit, it all hurts too bad, I just want… I don’t know. I just want all the bullshit to stop.” It was almost funny when he thinks about it, they’d thought when they got the offer to come over here that everything would work out, a smooth ride. Whether it was naivety or simply bad luck he’d never know, but he couldn’t handle any of that anymore, he couldn’t stand losing the one thing he’s always had.
His thought trailed off as Bam shifted slightly beside him, tilting his head to rest on Ville’s shoulder. Ville allowed the contact, revelling in the freely given human connection, he tried to offer comfort however he could, willing it towards the younger man as though by wanting it enough he could make it all better for him.
Ville tried to match his breaths to the ones of the stranger leaning on him, his breathing was slow and deep, a forced calm. Eventually Ville broke the quite, voicing the question that had tickled in the back of his mind since he’d met the other man hours earlier.
“Why did you try to stop me?” Bam's body gave a slight jerk as though he’d woken from a trance but didn’t react otherwise.
“I didn’t, you can’t stop someone who really wants to die, you can just delay it.” Ville nodded, trying not to jostle the man on his shoulder.
“Most people wouldn’t stop.”
“Most people are idiots.” Bam shifted away and Ville felt the loss of his warmth keenly. “Wrist cutting works.” He sounded hollow and Ville spared a thought to his dead friend and wondered, but no, because Bam had said something about an overdose earlier, mumbled into his drink when Ville casually asked about him.
“I like drama far too much for that.” Bam smiled at him, and it was like his whole face relaxed. All the tension drained away only to return again seconds later when Bam's phone buzzed with a received message.
With a move which suggested the active past Bam had spoken about earlier, Bam leapt to his feet. Reaching down to help Ville up before making his way down the corridor, saying over his shoulder as he went “The doctors out, Kelly and the baby are fine, Jess is with them.” Bam smiled over his shoulder at Ville and he returned it, but slowed to a calm walk as Bam set off running down the corridor.
He’d get his bags from the car, he knew Bam had been in too much of a rush to lock it when they came in. if he crashed at the hostel he’s spotted near the hospital for the night he could be on the road early tomorrow morning.
He felt a pang of regret when he passed by the waiting room unnoticed and slipped out into the cool night air. Some part of him was still back in the waiting room with Bam, ready to offer him comfort if he needed it but the logical part of his mind knew there was no place for him there. Bam was just a nice guy doing a nice thing, the last thing he needed right now was some drifter shadowing his every move.
~*~*~*~VvV~*~*~*~
Bam let the wheels of the board guide him, the purr of the plastic against the driveway was soothing, a lullaby he would never forget. He closed his eyes and let the board rock him, dipping instinctively at the curb and rising effortlessly onto the rise of the road, he turned, a sway of his body and the board moved like an extension of himself.
After the night in the hospital it seemed like everything had been put on mute somehow, going on slow motion and packed tight with cotton wool. Ape and Phil wandered around the house in tense silence, broken by meaningless chatter and more cups of tea then they would normally drink. Bam had to go out, the oppressive silence was unbearable.
The worst part was he didn’t entirely understand it either, Jess was fine, Kelly was fine, the baby was fine, everyone was fine, a few more bruises then before but otherwise they were fine, so why did it feel like there was some hulking great shadow looming in every corner?
Bam shuddered and felt the board wobble under him when he remembered back to Jess sitting beside Kelly’s bed, his hands still had blood on them and his t-shirt was ruined, a blur of brown which looked like rust. Kelly had started bleeding after the accident they told them, eyes wide with horror. It was a miracle the baby had survived, mothers aren’t meant to bleed when they’re so far along, they’re not meant to bleed at all.
His older brother, sitting terrified in the hospital chair, clutching the hand of his fiancé would stay with Bam for a while.
The board rolled on and Bam landed a kick flip just because he could, as the board made it back to the ground and he resumed the gentle roll effortlessly he felt a flare of resentment spark up inside him. He used to get paid to spend time on his board. He tried to shake the thought from his mind but the letter which lay in his pocket seemed like a lead weight, forcing his foot down to push off faster, letting the world blur around him for a second as the purr of the wheels became louder.
He didn’t like that there was resentment there, he gave it up and he would do it again if he needed to, it wasn’t right that he resent his family which he adores, he wasn’t the only one who gave things up to look after Phil when he needed it. Ape gave up her job at the salon so she could stay home and nurse him and Jess gave up his band for a year so he could take on another job and help pay the hospital bills.
So why did it feel like Bam had given up his entire world when he gave up his contract with Element so he could get two shitty jobs and help out with the bills. Skating professionally had always been his dream, its why he’d dropped out of school, it’s the one thing he had always been good at. The letter seemed to burn in his pocket as he turned the board back at the end of the street and started home. Jess had his band back, a fiancé and a baby on the way, Ape had her job and her husband better, what did Bam have? A shitty job at the local hardware and a girlfriend who cheated on him. He sighed when he saw Ape standing in the driveway, arms crossed as she watched him approach.
“I thought you had work today.” She still had a tea towel in her hands which Bam found odd, he stared at it for a moment as the board slowed to a stop underneath him.
“I’m not going in.” he slid a hand into his pocket and felt the sharp edges of the letter he’d received days ago.
“Bam you don’t want to lose this job, you can just skip from job to job; eventually they stop hiring.”
Bam stepped off the board, bending to pick it up so he had something to do beside look at him mum.
“I was thinking of going to LA.” Her eyebrows rose before a pinched look took over her features.
“Bam this isn’t the best time to go on a holiday. I’m sure Jenn will understand.” Bam frowned and scuffed his shoe against the pavement.
“This isn’t for Jenn. There’s a skate comp. Element has invited me to compete, try and win back my sponsorship.” He couldn’t look at her, he couldn’t bear to see her reaction to the news.
“Oh.” At the sound Bam's head jerked up to look at her, Ape’s face was closed off, her lips pursed worriedly and her hands fidgeted with the tea towel. “Bam…”
“You don’t think I can do it.” The realisation hurt more than Bam could really say, his mum had always been there, had always supported him in the choices he’d made.
“It’s not that Bam, I just think you shouldn’t set your heart on this. They have hundreds of kids try out, all of them young and talented.” Bam was shaking his head either at what she was saying or in denial over it actually happening.
“I’ve done it before, the only reason I lost it was so I could help with dad.” She was nodding, her face sad as she watched him, though he noticed she had also tensed, as though waiting for the explosion, and before Novak died Bam knew he would have already been mid tantrum by this stage, but a lot of things had changed since Novak od’d.
“You were a lot younger then Bam, they need young people, you said it yourself, it’s a short lived career that’s why they start them so young.” Bam felt a spark of anger as she threw his words from so long ago back at him.
“Not that short. I’m good mum, I can get it back.”
“And what about after that? When you blow your knees or your back and cant skate anymore? Are you just going to give it all up again and go back to working at the hardware?” she sighed, stepping forward though Bam stepped back, he couldn’t stand to be touched by her at the moment. “Why set yourself up for that kind of fall?”
Bam shook his head, clenching his teeth around the harsh words that wanted to spill out, his hands fisted at his side to stop himself doing something stupid like breaking something. Silently he headed into the house, up the stairs and into his bedroom. He stood there for a moment, staring around the room not seeing anything before he shifted into action, grabbing clothes and money, forms from his desk he could need shoving it all haphazardly into a bag and grabbing a spare board from the floor near the door. If Ville could live out of a backpack for however long he’d been wandering, then Bam could do it for the few days he’d need to.
“Bam what are you doing? Think about this.” Ape was standing at the foot of the stairs, her hand clamped around the base of the banister as she watched his decent, bag swung over his shoulder and skateboards tucked under his arm. He ignored her, pausing at the hall table to grab the keys to the car before moving out the front door. “Bam stop this! You’re not sixteen anymore! Grow up!” As he threw his bags into the boot of the car he glanced over at her, her face was flushed with anger, her hair blowing out around her as she stood on the front steps. All Bam could feel was an overwhelming sense of sadness, like a part of him had been ripped out with the revelation that she wouldn’t support him in the one thing that truly mattered to him.
He slouched into the driver’s seat, started the engine and eyed her one last time through the windshield. Then with a grit of his teeth he clenched his fingers around the steering wheel and back out of the driveway. He refused to look through rear view mirror to see her and his home disappearing, when he rounded the corner he let his fingers loosen around the wheel, letting out a sigh he sunk back into the seat.
Bam had always had a problem with acting on impulse.
~*~*~*~VvV~*~*~*~
Somehow the crunch of gravel as a car pulled up beside the road was comforting, Ville knew instantly that it was Bam, though it could have been anyone stopping in a shitty blue car. Maybe it was wishful thinking or maybe they were tied together somehow. Whatever it was, when Bam stepped out of the car and made the small walk towards the centre of the bridge where Ville stood he had to squash a thrill of happiness which sparked through him.
"Got a thing for bridges?" there was something different about him today, darker but at the same time like a weight had been lifted from him. Ville eyed him for a moment, trying to place the change. He knew it was stupid, for all Ville knew Bam could have multiple personalities tucked away in that head of his.
"Maybe I just like standing still at a point of superiority.” He saw Bam smirk at his words. “You got a thing for stopping to talk to random Finish men? Or just driving aimlessly?" it was hardly witty, but Ville had barely slept the night before, he hadn’t eaten more than a piece of toast and his guitar felt so heavy in his arms like it was filled with lead weights not a guitar.
"Not aimless this time." Ville could hear a steely note through his words and he wondered what had put them there, maybe his girlfriend had done something.
"So where are you headed then?" he turned from watching the cars below and cocked his hip, letting it rest on the safety guard as he crossed his arms and looked at the other man.
"LA." The word hit him like a slap, and in that second he remembered it all, the heat like nothing he’d ever felt before, the light, golden from pollution like something out of a fairy tale, and his friends, the image of them lingered in his mind; how he had seen them the last time, waving at him from their table in the bar, smiles consoling and welcoming, home.
"That's a fairly long trip, what'll be waiting for you at the other end?"
"A skate comp." Ville’s eyebrows rose of their own accord.
“A comp worth driving across the country for?” Bam remained silent, his gaze flicking out towards the horizon, over the sea of cars moving down below. “Guess so.” He murmured to himself.
With a sigh that sounded old and worn out Bam closed his eyes and rolled his head back as though absorbing the suns warmth. “Do you ever feel like all the anger is more real when you trap it inside, like there’s something screaming in your chest just waiting for you to rip yourself apart and let it out?” Bam's voice is the slick slide of a blade between ribs, the stillness between one story finishing and other beginning. Ville knew that feeling all too well, knew how it build up inside you till you eventually snapped and let it go, not caring if it destroys your life and everything in it on the way out.
“Yeah,” Ville’s own voice was hoarse and dark, Bam opened his eyes to look at him and Ville saw kinship.
“I just want one thing, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Though Ville didn’t understand what Bam meant he knew that feeling too, he wondered it Bam had thrown it away like Ville had.
“Got room in the car for one more?” Bam didn’t look surprised at Ville’s question, but Ville was. He’d spent the last month running as far from LA as he could get, why then, was he so willing to jump into this car with a total stranger to go right back?
“Yeah.” Ville nodded and reached for his bags as Bam turned back to the car, as Ville’s footsteps crunched over gravel he thought about running, going in the opposite direction Bam was heading and keep on running like he had planned, until he couldn’t run anymore and he found a nice place to disappear.
He passed Bam his bags which he placed in the boot of the car, and then he let himself sink into the passenger seat, it smelt like pine air freshener and sun warmed space. As Bam slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine he tried not to think about where he was going and what he would have to face once he got there. Instead he sunk back into the comfortable seat and watched the traffic through the front window and thought how strange it was, two strangers sitting in a blue car heading out into the world.
Bam shot him a smile which Ville returned, he watched as Bam slid a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and allowed himself to listen to the rumble of the engine and beat of his own heart, the lyrics crept in from the edges and for the first time in what felt like forever he didn’t fight them off.
Part Two
A/N please leave a comment!
a story in three parts.
Author: Riastarstruck
Rating: R
Summary: This is the tale of how they met, fell in love and got their lives back to where they were meant to be on a road trip to LA
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the order of words
Warning: a bit angsty at times…. Shut up, I know it’s Christmas but it’s me we’re talking about. Also, this has nothing to do with Christmas...
Author's Notes: So this is for the wonderful bluespire, who wanted a story about the moment of attraction, the tensions both sexual and emotional before BANG! It happens. I think I got it…. Maybe not so much in this part but in the others it’s there! I hope you like it, it was like pulling teeth to get it out.
So Merry Christmas, I hope you like it.
Stranger in the Passenger Seat
by riastarstruck
For bluespire
The beginning
The beginning is always the hardest part. It’s a split second in time out of a hundred thousand just like it. How do you look back and think on how it all started when it’s impossible to remember all the seconds that passed before.
Your life can change in the space between one heartbeat and the next, an errant thought which on any other day would have passed by unnoticed, but for some reason, some inexplicable, undefinable reason on that day it stuck. That’s all it takes to change your world.
Some stories have false starts, the moment after or the moment before it all began. They neaten it, cut off the rough edges and package it all up with a big bow, they make it accessible. Because how do you describe the days and weeks of indecision beforehand, the tensions and thoughts that mounts inside. Sometimes it’s just so much easier to start from the explosion; that moment where the change is almost palpable, the second where your heart shifts beats, where your mind clicks into place, where the road between choices is clear before you.
The beginning is the hardest part, but our pasts make us, they shift our futures and define our characters. No story is easy like they say it is in movies and books, there are hundreds of beginnings, thousands of roads in between, and how can a story ever truly end?
Chapter One
The first thing Bam knew about Ville was that he wanted to die.
The first thing he saw of the other man was a silhouette against the late afternoon sky as he drove down a rundown road outside of town.
Driving in ever expanding circles out of sometimes oppressive town was Bam’s way of blowing off steam and finding some kind of escape from the hollow monotony his life had become. Though most of the time he managed to ignore the shadow of dissatisfaction which ghosted his every step, sometimes it became too much. He went to work and went home, had drinks with Jen and the few friends he had remaining in West Chester and sometimes it was easy to forget he had given up everything he had ever wanted out of loyalty and fear.
He slowed the shitty blue car he’d borrowed from his mum, pulling over to the side of the road and watched the other man through the windshield.
There was nothing particularly remarkable about him or what he was doing, just a tired thin man, sitting in the late afternoon sun, but there was something about the slump of his shoulders and the distant look in his eyes which suggested there was so much more going on than a drifter pausing to admire the scenery. It was like there was an aura of sadness tangible through the distance between them, some indefinable thing that whispered to Bam that this was something more then it appeared that this shadow of loneliness he felt reaching out to touch his own was dangerous and corrosive and unbearably real.
The man sat on the flaking handrail of the disused railway bridge; a battered guitar case lay on the ground beside a graffiti covered rucksack, powdered with dust and worn through over use, there was something beautiful about them sitting so unremarkably beside the road, as though they held a hundred stories of a life far more adventurous and interesting then his own.
His clothes were well worn and pressed close to his thin frame when the wind blew up from the water below; making the frayed edges of the old Black Sabbath t-shirt flutter in the breeze appearing liquid against his torso. His dark locks blew up around his head in a chaos of dark curls, whipping around his face and lifting up to the sky.
Bam got out of the car and leant against the warmed hood, watching as the strangers scuffed sneakers kicked out before him, a shoelace dangling down towards the rushing water below. He couldn’t say how long he stood there, basking in the warmth of the late afternoon light and the silent feeling of comradely with this total stranger. He let the quite stretch around him as he watched the foreign man contemplate the roadwork of marks on his shoes.
When the man closed his eyes, tilting his head back to the warmth of the sun and let his hands rise from the handrail either side of him Bam watched as his shoulders relaxed as he leant forward, his face losing the tension Bam had noticed seemed to seize his face in a silent agony.
“Are you going to jump?” Bam’s voice surprised himself, tumbling out of his mouth and leaping over the space between them, the sound loud over the rush of water below.
The man didn’t startle, instead just tilted his head to face Bam, eyeing him curiously for a moment before seeming to dismiss his presence, returning his empty gaze to the water below.
Bam would have left it at that, left the stranger to whatever was awaiting him, but as he contemplated getting back in the car and heading into town, where he would have to deal with Jen and his mum and explain to his boss why he hadn’t shown for work that morning, a deep voice broke through his thoughts.
“It’s a pretty enough place to die.” His voice was like the crunch of shoes over gravel, dry and rasping as though it had been a while since he’d last spoken.
Bam contemplated his surroundings and supposed that was true, the wild overgrown area outside town seemed serene with the rushing water and the warm afternoon air. He moved forward to lean against the handrail beside the stranger.
“I’d prefer old age myself.” The man lifted his head and Bam saw a smirk flitter across his face.
“Liar.” The word hung between them, “You look far too proud to suffer the indignity of old age.” Bam felt a smile pulling at the corner of his lips as he shrugged.
They sunk into quite, the man’s hands returned to the railing and Bam found himself watching the gentle sway of his sneakers.
“I’m Bam.” Bam didn’t look up, but he could see in his periphery as the man frowned and looked towards him. “My name,” he clarified, “is Bam.” The man nodded focusing on the progress his nail was making with flicking off the peeling paint of the metal handrail.
“Mine’s Ville.” There was a foreign lilt to the name, a flourish where an American never would place one. Bam mouthing the single word to himself as they sunk back into silence as the shadows began to lengthen and the chill of the wind blowing up from the water below began to cling to Bam’s clothes, trapping the cool close to his skin.
With a spur of movement Bam pushed himself off the handrail and headed towards the car.
“I’m going to a bar, you wanna come?” somehow he knew there were only two outcomes to this, if he accepted there would be a new chapter to each of their lives, however brief it may be. There was something which buzzed between them and even if they only shared one drink that buzz had the potential to change everything. The other option, Bam knew somehow instinctively, would mean he would never see Ville again, and the chances where nobody else would either. It disturbed him how easily he accepted this fact. His friend Novak, who had lost himself to drugs barely a year ago told Bam once that if somebody ever truly wanted to die, nothing in this world could stop them.
He leaned against the open door of the car watching Ville eye him over his shoulder, stray curls whipping across his face and obscured his eyes in waves. Ville glanced back out over the rushing water a look of peace on his face which hardened to something hollow and cold as he swung his legs back over the rail. Picking his bags up in an elegant swoop he headed towards the car, throwing them into the back seat with little finesse before lowering himself into the passenger seat with a quirked brow and a ghost of a smile across his lips.
Bam stood looking over the roof of the car for a moment, biting his lip as he wondered at the strange flair of something in his chest; it was a nice change to the emptiness which had been growing inside him for months.
~*~*~*~VvV~*~*~*~
The first thing Ville knew about Bam was that there was more going on in his head then he let others know.
The bar was sultry and overcrowded, full of dark corners and sticky tables. Bars were the same no matter where in the world you are. There was some comfort to that, he was halfway across the world and it felt like he could be home, if it wasn’t for the raucous voices all around him shouting in English he could almost close his eyes and dream it.
His companion kept up a steady stream of conversation, a buzz of meaningless words which offered no comfort and held no meaning besides filling the void between them. Ville found himself joining in, laughing at stupid jokes and stories Bam told, a tinge of sadness in his voice as he spoke about friends who had moved on some time ago, left the small home town they had all grown up in together and moved away to the bright lights of larger cities, pursuing jobs they cared about and women they desired. Ville felt a twist in his stomach when Bam spoke about these strangers chasing their dreams; he wondered what they had found on the other end of the country, if all their expectations had come crashing down around them leaving them reeling and disillusioned.
When Bam spoke fondly about one man, Novak, his eyes grew distant and empty, a shadow falling across his face and a bitter twist of his lip, a look that Ville had seen on too many faces since he’d gotten here.
As he felt himself lulled by easy company, away from the harsh angles of loneliness and the endless suffocation of the things he had tried to leave behind and the thoughts which pulled at the fringes of his mind; he felt something he had always been aware of, like comforting presence of an old friend. He to call it the song of the night. It was the hum beneath the clutter of sounds, a pulsating energy Ville though he could sometimes see. He imagined it in brilliant sparks of blue and green electricity and the haze of red smoke twirling and dancing between the strangers in the bar. A flare of attraction and a spark of anger, he could hear the music which whispered to him always, the rift of a phantom guitar as the girl at the bar twirled in her boyfriends’ arms, her eyes lingering on the bartender as they share a secret smile. There was a pulse of heavy drums as figures moved through the darkness, primal beats, raw and uncensored suggesting something primeval and earthy in this dance of desire that took place before him and then there, whispering from the dark shadows of the room were the words he always heard, tales of love and death, obsession and need, love stories that transcended the bounds of earthly desires. If he closed his eyes he could picture them, swirling from smoke to form in front of his eyes the lyrics that he held so close to his heart.
He swallowed a mouthful of cheap beer too quickly and gritted his teeth through the burn of the bubbles. It was only then that Ville realised Bam had stopped speaking, his hand fisted around his glass as he glared across the room.
A thin dark haired girl sat in the lap of a hulking tattooed man, his thick arm snaked around her waist as she threw her head back and laughed. She leant down and kissed him, even from across the room Ville could see the excessive amount of tongue used as he tried to ignore the very obvious hand which was sneaking up her skirt.
“Friend of yours?” Ville asked, just because he didn’t like the quite wounded expression on his new friends face. Bam seemed to shake himself out of his stare, shrugging as he eyed the ring of condensation on the table, running his finger through the perfect circle.
“Could say that.” He muttered darkly, but Ville noted, not sadly. “She’s my girlfriend.” Ville nodded and took another swig from his glass, glancing again at the manicured girl currently having her tonsils examined.
There was something else going on inside Bam, nobody, no matter how open their relationship might be, could calmly sit across the bar and watch their girlfriend fucking around on them. Ville thought it might have something to do with the shadow of understanding he’d seen in Bam’s stupidly blue eyes on the bridge that afternoon. The curl of tense muscle that didn’t relax even when it seemed Bam was completely at ease.
It was an air of tension and built up violence which seemed to radiate off the other man; his stories suggested a past full of extreme pranks and a fearlessness which only children and madmen possessed, but the man sitting in front of him, with his tired eyes that watched his girlfriend and another man with little more than resignation, the man that had muttered about missing a shift at work and having to make up the hours on the drive over here, this tired, exhausted looking man who eyed the drunk idiots in the bar with a mixture of resentment, envy and loneliness seemed one of the last people who would willingly throw themselves at full speed towards a curb in a shopping cart.
Bam forced a smile which was almost painful to look at when he averted his gaze from across the room. He resumed conversation but it felt somehow lacking, the carefree persona Ville had witnessed moments before had an edge of ice to it, as though a shield had gone up somehow and Bam had simply taken a step back from reality, numbed himself to the hurt of dissatisfaction.
By nine o’clock Ville new more about the town and the complete discography of his brothers band then he did about Bam. The ringing of his phone interrupted Bam mid-sentence and he trailed off as he eyed the name flashing across the screen, Ville wondered at the frown, one quick glance across the room showed it wasn’t his girlfriend, but the clenching of Bam's jaw suggested it was somebody he wasn’t overly excited to hear from. With a sigh and a nod to himself he answered the call, shrugging apologetically to Ville.
It was strange to see the play of emotions which flickered across Bam’s face so clearly, Ville preferred to lock his own feelings away behind walls, only allowing them to bleed through in the lyrics he hid in a battered notebook at the bottom of his rucksack, he had always been uncomfortable displaying more then he wanted others to know, he didn’t want them to know when he was sad or lonely, he didn’t want them to pry into the deep recesses of his mind where even he couldn’t put words to the thoughts which plagued him; they were the hum which never ceased, an energy he expelled in the only way he could -though it had been a month and several hundred miles between him and the last time he had been able to delve that deeply and express all those feelings which ached inside him.
It wasn’t something he missed, the need went beyond simply missing it, it was a burn inside him and a hollowness which he couldn’t place, but every time he tried to write, to pluck a melody from the strings he knew so well, he found it impossible. The tears would spring to the back of his throat, his head would throb with fury and regret and his hands would shake so hard he couldn’t hold his pen any more. He knew it was his own fault, but he couldn’t bring himself to head back to that, it was nightmares in the waking world, a sickness he wouldn’t let eat him up, he ran because it was the only thing he had been able to do at the time.
Bam’s hands gripped the table in a white knuckled grip and he leant forward trying to block out the sounds of the bar. ”Is she alright? What do you mean you don’t know? What about… yeah, yeah of course I’ll be right there. Is it… no I know, how’s Jess? Yeah, okay, I’m leaving now.” He hung up without a goodbye then stared at the table for a moment, eyes wide and expression like a small child’s.
When it didn’t seem like Bam was going to move Ville hesitantly broke his reverie.
“Bad news?” Bam's wide eyes found Ville’s face and blinked slowly a couple of times before Bam seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts.
“Yeah, my brother and his girlfriend -fiancée,” he corrected like he’d had to pull himself up on the mistake quite a bit, “got into a car crash, she’s pregnant. Apparently there might be something wrong with it.” Ville felt his face go slack at the news before he lifted himself out of the chair.
“Come on, you gotta go.” Bam nodded and slowly stood up, glancing around the table in what looked like desperation for some kind of distraction.
Ville led the other man out of the crowded bar and over to his car. They stood awkwardly beside it for a moment as Bam studied the paintwork on the roof and Ville eyed his bags through the window.
“I’m not so good at hospitals.” Bam finally admitted, fiddling with his keys which jingled pleasantly in the night. “The last time I was in one, my best friend died. I don’t…” he swallowed, “I don’t really wanna watch my niece die there too.” Bam looked absolutely wrecked as he searched Ville’s face for something. Ville reached forward instinctively folding the other man into his arms in an awkward one handed hug but Bam seemed to melt into it, holding Ville against him in a bruising hold which only lasted for a second before Bam pulled away with a look of determination on his face, opening the car door with a creak of old hinges. “Do you…” he looked embarrassed and Ville resisted a smile at how cute he looked when he was shy. “do you think you could come with?” Ville's eyes widened but he found himself nodding just so he could see the relieved look which flashed thought Bam's eyes and the brilliant smile which spread across his face.
“Sure Bam.”
Bam darted through the late evening traffic, his fingers drummed on the steering wheel whenever he was forced to slow down or stop, he kept shooting Ville glances as though to reassure himself he was still there.
When they eventually made it to the hospital Ville was more wary then relieved, he didn’t like these kinds of situations even with his own friends and family, and Bam was a complete stranger to him, he’s known him a total of seven hours and most of that had been spent discussing the history of the town and his brothers band.
As they made it into the emergency waiting room Bam made a beeline towards a small clump of people Ville felt himself lingering a few seats away, uncomfortable with the situation. The worry and fear was plain on the faces of those waiting and Ville didn’t like how easily they all showed it. A middle aged woman stood up and embraced Bam when he got close, clinging to him as Bam patted her back.
Ville watched as they interacted with each other, the two families brought together by their children, they seemed to blend together as though it had always been this way. Even now wracked with worry they spoke softly between themselves, offering support as they received it, Ville knew as he watched them from a few seats away that he wasn’t a part of this world, Bam's world, there was no place here for him.
The huddled families reminded him of his own life in Helsinki, he felt a pang of homesickness rock through him and he averted his gaze so he didn’t have to be reminded of his family and friends who he hadn’t seen or heard from in over a month.
It took Ville a moment to realise that Bam wasn’t taking part in this ritual of mourning, in fact he wasn’t in the waiting room at all. His gaze darted around the large room, scanning the rows of uncomfortable plastic chairs searching for the familiar figure. When he didn’t spot him his gaze was drawn back to the family, one of the men, large with a friendly face and a salt and pepper beard met his gaze and nodded towards a corridor leading off the waiting room. Ville stood up, nodding his thanks and made his way down the wide corridor.
He found him after Ville had spent five minutes wandering the long corridor, the smell of disinfectant and illness getting stronger the further into the belly of the hospital he ventured. Bam was a dark figure hunched over on the floor, his back against the cream coloured walls. His arms around his bent knees he looked like a small child.
Bam spared him a glance when he stopped to stand near him, Bam appeared so small when Ville looked down at him, towering above the sitting form. Ville leant against the wall and allowed gravity to push him down until he rested uncomfortably on the linoleum besides Bam.
Their breaths seemed amplified in the empty corridor, each exhale seeming to Ville light a train whooshing past, and the inhales seemed drawn out and strained. Finally Bam broke the quite, Ville found himself leaning in to hear him, despite the quite of the corridor.
“What do you think it’s like to die?” Ville let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thump, he’d spent his whole life writing songs about it, reading about it from the greatest poets and philosophers of all time, but how could you answer that, when lives Bam was close to could very easily disappear at any moment and he already knew the heartbreak of losing a close and treasured friend.
“I think it’s one of those things we aren’t meant to know, like where the rainbow ends or why it’s called heartbreak when it makes your whole body hurt.” Bam let out a sigh and his shoulders sagged a little.
“Why did you wanna jump today.” Hardly something Ville really wanted to get into, he wasn’t even sure he would have, it was just an idea he was toying with. But some part of him knew it was more than and idle thought he’d decided to explore, it went far deeper than that.
“It wasn’t to find out what was next, I don’t care, it was…” he trailed off trying to find words that fit. “Sometimes I can’t stand this anymore. It’s all so bullshit, it all hurts too bad, I just want… I don’t know. I just want all the bullshit to stop.” It was almost funny when he thinks about it, they’d thought when they got the offer to come over here that everything would work out, a smooth ride. Whether it was naivety or simply bad luck he’d never know, but he couldn’t handle any of that anymore, he couldn’t stand losing the one thing he’s always had.
His thought trailed off as Bam shifted slightly beside him, tilting his head to rest on Ville’s shoulder. Ville allowed the contact, revelling in the freely given human connection, he tried to offer comfort however he could, willing it towards the younger man as though by wanting it enough he could make it all better for him.
Ville tried to match his breaths to the ones of the stranger leaning on him, his breathing was slow and deep, a forced calm. Eventually Ville broke the quite, voicing the question that had tickled in the back of his mind since he’d met the other man hours earlier.
“Why did you try to stop me?” Bam's body gave a slight jerk as though he’d woken from a trance but didn’t react otherwise.
“I didn’t, you can’t stop someone who really wants to die, you can just delay it.” Ville nodded, trying not to jostle the man on his shoulder.
“Most people wouldn’t stop.”
“Most people are idiots.” Bam shifted away and Ville felt the loss of his warmth keenly. “Wrist cutting works.” He sounded hollow and Ville spared a thought to his dead friend and wondered, but no, because Bam had said something about an overdose earlier, mumbled into his drink when Ville casually asked about him.
“I like drama far too much for that.” Bam smiled at him, and it was like his whole face relaxed. All the tension drained away only to return again seconds later when Bam's phone buzzed with a received message.
With a move which suggested the active past Bam had spoken about earlier, Bam leapt to his feet. Reaching down to help Ville up before making his way down the corridor, saying over his shoulder as he went “The doctors out, Kelly and the baby are fine, Jess is with them.” Bam smiled over his shoulder at Ville and he returned it, but slowed to a calm walk as Bam set off running down the corridor.
He’d get his bags from the car, he knew Bam had been in too much of a rush to lock it when they came in. if he crashed at the hostel he’s spotted near the hospital for the night he could be on the road early tomorrow morning.
He felt a pang of regret when he passed by the waiting room unnoticed and slipped out into the cool night air. Some part of him was still back in the waiting room with Bam, ready to offer him comfort if he needed it but the logical part of his mind knew there was no place for him there. Bam was just a nice guy doing a nice thing, the last thing he needed right now was some drifter shadowing his every move.
~*~*~*~VvV~*~*~*~
Bam let the wheels of the board guide him, the purr of the plastic against the driveway was soothing, a lullaby he would never forget. He closed his eyes and let the board rock him, dipping instinctively at the curb and rising effortlessly onto the rise of the road, he turned, a sway of his body and the board moved like an extension of himself.
After the night in the hospital it seemed like everything had been put on mute somehow, going on slow motion and packed tight with cotton wool. Ape and Phil wandered around the house in tense silence, broken by meaningless chatter and more cups of tea then they would normally drink. Bam had to go out, the oppressive silence was unbearable.
The worst part was he didn’t entirely understand it either, Jess was fine, Kelly was fine, the baby was fine, everyone was fine, a few more bruises then before but otherwise they were fine, so why did it feel like there was some hulking great shadow looming in every corner?
Bam shuddered and felt the board wobble under him when he remembered back to Jess sitting beside Kelly’s bed, his hands still had blood on them and his t-shirt was ruined, a blur of brown which looked like rust. Kelly had started bleeding after the accident they told them, eyes wide with horror. It was a miracle the baby had survived, mothers aren’t meant to bleed when they’re so far along, they’re not meant to bleed at all.
His older brother, sitting terrified in the hospital chair, clutching the hand of his fiancé would stay with Bam for a while.
The board rolled on and Bam landed a kick flip just because he could, as the board made it back to the ground and he resumed the gentle roll effortlessly he felt a flare of resentment spark up inside him. He used to get paid to spend time on his board. He tried to shake the thought from his mind but the letter which lay in his pocket seemed like a lead weight, forcing his foot down to push off faster, letting the world blur around him for a second as the purr of the wheels became louder.
He didn’t like that there was resentment there, he gave it up and he would do it again if he needed to, it wasn’t right that he resent his family which he adores, he wasn’t the only one who gave things up to look after Phil when he needed it. Ape gave up her job at the salon so she could stay home and nurse him and Jess gave up his band for a year so he could take on another job and help pay the hospital bills.
So why did it feel like Bam had given up his entire world when he gave up his contract with Element so he could get two shitty jobs and help out with the bills. Skating professionally had always been his dream, its why he’d dropped out of school, it’s the one thing he had always been good at. The letter seemed to burn in his pocket as he turned the board back at the end of the street and started home. Jess had his band back, a fiancé and a baby on the way, Ape had her job and her husband better, what did Bam have? A shitty job at the local hardware and a girlfriend who cheated on him. He sighed when he saw Ape standing in the driveway, arms crossed as she watched him approach.
“I thought you had work today.” She still had a tea towel in her hands which Bam found odd, he stared at it for a moment as the board slowed to a stop underneath him.
“I’m not going in.” he slid a hand into his pocket and felt the sharp edges of the letter he’d received days ago.
“Bam you don’t want to lose this job, you can just skip from job to job; eventually they stop hiring.”
Bam stepped off the board, bending to pick it up so he had something to do beside look at him mum.
“I was thinking of going to LA.” Her eyebrows rose before a pinched look took over her features.
“Bam this isn’t the best time to go on a holiday. I’m sure Jenn will understand.” Bam frowned and scuffed his shoe against the pavement.
“This isn’t for Jenn. There’s a skate comp. Element has invited me to compete, try and win back my sponsorship.” He couldn’t look at her, he couldn’t bear to see her reaction to the news.
“Oh.” At the sound Bam's head jerked up to look at her, Ape’s face was closed off, her lips pursed worriedly and her hands fidgeted with the tea towel. “Bam…”
“You don’t think I can do it.” The realisation hurt more than Bam could really say, his mum had always been there, had always supported him in the choices he’d made.
“It’s not that Bam, I just think you shouldn’t set your heart on this. They have hundreds of kids try out, all of them young and talented.” Bam was shaking his head either at what she was saying or in denial over it actually happening.
“I’ve done it before, the only reason I lost it was so I could help with dad.” She was nodding, her face sad as she watched him, though he noticed she had also tensed, as though waiting for the explosion, and before Novak died Bam knew he would have already been mid tantrum by this stage, but a lot of things had changed since Novak od’d.
“You were a lot younger then Bam, they need young people, you said it yourself, it’s a short lived career that’s why they start them so young.” Bam felt a spark of anger as she threw his words from so long ago back at him.
“Not that short. I’m good mum, I can get it back.”
“And what about after that? When you blow your knees or your back and cant skate anymore? Are you just going to give it all up again and go back to working at the hardware?” she sighed, stepping forward though Bam stepped back, he couldn’t stand to be touched by her at the moment. “Why set yourself up for that kind of fall?”
Bam shook his head, clenching his teeth around the harsh words that wanted to spill out, his hands fisted at his side to stop himself doing something stupid like breaking something. Silently he headed into the house, up the stairs and into his bedroom. He stood there for a moment, staring around the room not seeing anything before he shifted into action, grabbing clothes and money, forms from his desk he could need shoving it all haphazardly into a bag and grabbing a spare board from the floor near the door. If Ville could live out of a backpack for however long he’d been wandering, then Bam could do it for the few days he’d need to.
“Bam what are you doing? Think about this.” Ape was standing at the foot of the stairs, her hand clamped around the base of the banister as she watched his decent, bag swung over his shoulder and skateboards tucked under his arm. He ignored her, pausing at the hall table to grab the keys to the car before moving out the front door. “Bam stop this! You’re not sixteen anymore! Grow up!” As he threw his bags into the boot of the car he glanced over at her, her face was flushed with anger, her hair blowing out around her as she stood on the front steps. All Bam could feel was an overwhelming sense of sadness, like a part of him had been ripped out with the revelation that she wouldn’t support him in the one thing that truly mattered to him.
He slouched into the driver’s seat, started the engine and eyed her one last time through the windshield. Then with a grit of his teeth he clenched his fingers around the steering wheel and back out of the driveway. He refused to look through rear view mirror to see her and his home disappearing, when he rounded the corner he let his fingers loosen around the wheel, letting out a sigh he sunk back into the seat.
Bam had always had a problem with acting on impulse.
~*~*~*~VvV~*~*~*~
Somehow the crunch of gravel as a car pulled up beside the road was comforting, Ville knew instantly that it was Bam, though it could have been anyone stopping in a shitty blue car. Maybe it was wishful thinking or maybe they were tied together somehow. Whatever it was, when Bam stepped out of the car and made the small walk towards the centre of the bridge where Ville stood he had to squash a thrill of happiness which sparked through him.
"Got a thing for bridges?" there was something different about him today, darker but at the same time like a weight had been lifted from him. Ville eyed him for a moment, trying to place the change. He knew it was stupid, for all Ville knew Bam could have multiple personalities tucked away in that head of his.
"Maybe I just like standing still at a point of superiority.” He saw Bam smirk at his words. “You got a thing for stopping to talk to random Finish men? Or just driving aimlessly?" it was hardly witty, but Ville had barely slept the night before, he hadn’t eaten more than a piece of toast and his guitar felt so heavy in his arms like it was filled with lead weights not a guitar.
"Not aimless this time." Ville could hear a steely note through his words and he wondered what had put them there, maybe his girlfriend had done something.
"So where are you headed then?" he turned from watching the cars below and cocked his hip, letting it rest on the safety guard as he crossed his arms and looked at the other man.
"LA." The word hit him like a slap, and in that second he remembered it all, the heat like nothing he’d ever felt before, the light, golden from pollution like something out of a fairy tale, and his friends, the image of them lingered in his mind; how he had seen them the last time, waving at him from their table in the bar, smiles consoling and welcoming, home.
"That's a fairly long trip, what'll be waiting for you at the other end?"
"A skate comp." Ville’s eyebrows rose of their own accord.
“A comp worth driving across the country for?” Bam remained silent, his gaze flicking out towards the horizon, over the sea of cars moving down below. “Guess so.” He murmured to himself.
With a sigh that sounded old and worn out Bam closed his eyes and rolled his head back as though absorbing the suns warmth. “Do you ever feel like all the anger is more real when you trap it inside, like there’s something screaming in your chest just waiting for you to rip yourself apart and let it out?” Bam's voice is the slick slide of a blade between ribs, the stillness between one story finishing and other beginning. Ville knew that feeling all too well, knew how it build up inside you till you eventually snapped and let it go, not caring if it destroys your life and everything in it on the way out.
“Yeah,” Ville’s own voice was hoarse and dark, Bam opened his eyes to look at him and Ville saw kinship.
“I just want one thing, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Though Ville didn’t understand what Bam meant he knew that feeling too, he wondered it Bam had thrown it away like Ville had.
“Got room in the car for one more?” Bam didn’t look surprised at Ville’s question, but Ville was. He’d spent the last month running as far from LA as he could get, why then, was he so willing to jump into this car with a total stranger to go right back?
“Yeah.” Ville nodded and reached for his bags as Bam turned back to the car, as Ville’s footsteps crunched over gravel he thought about running, going in the opposite direction Bam was heading and keep on running like he had planned, until he couldn’t run anymore and he found a nice place to disappear.
He passed Bam his bags which he placed in the boot of the car, and then he let himself sink into the passenger seat, it smelt like pine air freshener and sun warmed space. As Bam slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine he tried not to think about where he was going and what he would have to face once he got there. Instead he sunk back into the comfortable seat and watched the traffic through the front window and thought how strange it was, two strangers sitting in a blue car heading out into the world.
Bam shot him a smile which Ville returned, he watched as Bam slid a pair of sunglasses over his eyes and allowed himself to listen to the rumble of the engine and beat of his own heart, the lyrics crept in from the edges and for the first time in what felt like forever he didn’t fight them off.
Part Two
A/N please leave a comment!