Somewhere
Rating: G
Prompt: #007 - Days
Claim: The Time War
Table: Here
Spoilers: None
Characters/Pairing: Fitz/Doctor (10)
Summary: Sequel to Elsewhere. A few days after getting back into the TARDIS Fitz wonders if the Doctor is still the man he knew years ago.
He watched the Doctor walk around the console, flick switches, pull levers, and wondered if by now the Time Lord actually understood what he was doing. The man operating the controls seemed relaxed, content, quietly enthusiastic about their next destination - wherever that would be. From time to time he spoke, throwing random bits of information into the room, telling his companion what was so special about this place or that. Fitz just watched, and marvelled on the difference.
It was hard to believe that this was the same man he had travelled with before, and yet very easy. It was in the way he moved, spoke, in his childlike enthusiasm. But Fitz couldn’t quite get over the completely different face, the different voice. And there was a darkness beneath the Doctor’s carefree behaviour he hadn’t noticed before - not to this extent.
Well, sometimes he had, alright. Sometimes the Doctor’s act had been quite obviously an act, even in the old days. But there had always been something to distract Fitz before he could think about it too much, and the Doctor was, and had been, so very good at changing the topic. Now he had a new face, and watching him for any changes beyond the obvious, while they were drifting calmly through space, Fitz couldn’t help but notice.
He wondered if his friend had been better at hiding his pain back then or if the pain had simply become stronger and was shining through the mask.
Eventually the Doctor stopped. He looked up, wearily, and asked:
“What is it?”
‘I’m just sitting here,’ Fitz wanted to say, avoiding any conversation that ran deeper than ‘What did you have for dinner’. They had done a lot of avoiding in the last few days.
It was nice being in space again. Seeing other worlds, being free to move in every direction, be a hero instead of getting up every morning to go to a job he hated, even if he tried not to face too many situations that required heroism - being with the Doctor that was impossible to avoid. Another thing that hadn’t changed.
In the six days since Fitz had entered the TARDIS again they had visited five different planets and times, never staying still for longer than Fitz needed to grab a few hours of sleep. The Doctor still didn’t seem to need much rest but sometimes Fitz found himself wondering why he was looking so tired.
Since he came back he had realised that it wasn’t really the travelling he had missed, even though it was a definite improvement to his life on Earth. But what he’d really missed was the Doctor’s company.
‘I thought you were dead,’ he wanted to say. ‘Care to explain why you aren’t?’ Now, that wouldn’t come out right. ‘Since you’re alive and well, care to explain why you never came back for me?’ Fitz wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. They had avoided this conversation for days, and if it was up to him he would be perfectly happy to keep avoiding it until he died of old age. Just pretend nothing had ever happened and they had never parted ways, and that it didn’t hurt to look at the Doctor now. Everything was fine because he finally had his friend back, but staring at the unfamiliar face in front of him Fitz wondered if he’d really gained anything at all.
He’d known every line of the Doctor’s face, the way his hair fell, the lines of his hands.
He’d never kissed the old one and so he couldn’t tell if it felt still the same.
That was another thing they had not spoken of, and Fitz suspected that here it was the Doctor who would prefer to pretend it never happened. Since he knew Fitz knew it was him the human had never even tried to touch him, and he wondered what had made the Doctor allow Fitz to kiss him in the first place. He didn’t know where he stood with this man, after all the time they spend apart. Maybe there was just a vacuum where their friendship had been, once, and what they had become wasn’t enough to fill it. The Doctor had so far never let them stand still long enough to find out.
Things were a bit more complicated now - when they spoke the gabs between their words were full of things neither of them wanted to say or hear.
“I don’t know who you are,” said Fitz.
The Doctor did neither move nor speak. His expression didn’t change but somehow Fitz could see the hurt in his eyes, disappointment and acceptance. He must have been used to his friends being unable to deal with the change of face, and so Fitz hurried to add:
“You’re the Doctor, I know that. I knew that even before I saw the TARDIS. It’s not the face, it’s…” He stopped, looking for words. “You are so much older now,” he finally said, feeling slightly helpless and stupid. “We haven’t seen each other for so long, and I don’t know what happened to you in that time. You’ve changed, you just seem…” He stopped again, because he didn’t want to say ‘broken’.
For a long moment the Doctor didn’t react at all. Then his shoulders seemed to slump. His steps were slow when he walked over to the couch and sat beside his friend. The silence was filled with possibilities until finally he spoke.
“How long has it been for you?” he wanted to know. Fitz felt his gaze on every new wrinkle on his face, on every visible sign of age. He shrugged.
‘Eleven years, two months and twenty-eight days.’
“About ten years, give or take,” he said. He was over forty now, not quite forty-five yet, he supposed, but it was impossible to tell exactly, given the years he had spend with the Doctor, travelling through time. His age had stopped mattering after a few days, when he’d realised that he had no way of telling how much time, exactly, had passed for him, and that he couldn’t remember the exact date he had left Earth anyway. His age didn’t matter to him now, when he sat beside the Doctor on this old, shabby couch and just wanted to stay with him until he got too old to stay alive.
Under the other's gaze he felt exposed and inferior, and he wondered which changes the Doctor saw in him, apart from the increased age. Not much probably. The time he’d spend on Earth hadn’t exactly been a character building experience.
Not for the first time he wondered if the other Time Lord even still wanted him around.
Fitz didn’t waste time to marvel on the fact that he didn’t know how old he was but could, if he wanted to, tell the exact number of days that had passed since he’d said goodbye to the Doctor on a street in London, wet with rain.
“How many times did you… did you change like that, since you left?” ‘And didn’t come back.’
“Twice.” It didn’t seem like much and the Doctor certainly made it sound like a banality, but Fitz could only think that the Doctor had died twice in his absence. And in how many years? He didn’t dare to ask.
“So I missed an entire life.”
“It wasn’t a very long one.” Judging from the way the Doctor spoke his words were probably meant to console him.
“Was it a good one, at least?”
The Doctor hesitated for a long time before he said:
“It was… terrible and perfect. It was necessary. It was just the usual, really. Travelling through time and space, saving worlds. Meeting people and losing them…” His voice trailed off.
“You mean, leaving them and never coming back.” Fitz hadn’t meant to say that. To his surprise the Doctor merely shook his head.
“It’s usually them who leave me. It’s only fair, I suppose.”
“You never came back,” Fitz’s voice repeated without his agreement.
“No,” the Doctor said, looking at him through those bottomless, dark eyes. “I didn’t.”
“Why not?” It should have sounded bitter but there was only concern, and vague hurt. The Doctor’s pain showed too clearly, even when he was smiling, as if something had broken him. Fitz found himself unable to feel anger, and suddenly his hand was on the Doctor’s cheek and his voice was soft. “What happened to you?”
The Doctor looked at him, and didn’t answer. After a moment Fitz withdrew his hand. Trying to breathe in the airless space he found himself in. Maybe they were nowhere.
“You’re different,” he said. “Not just your face. You’re definitely the man I knew and yet you seem like a stranger. What made you this way?”
The Doctor leaned back. And laughed - a quiet and hopeless sound.
“I lost a war, Fitz,” he confessed. “Over and over again.”
The human let the words sink in.
“You lost then? The Time War?”
“Defeated the Daleks, for the moment at least. There were no winners.”
“So the Time Lords…”
“I’m the last one now.” The Doctor was aiming for casualty, not quite succeeding.
Fitz tried to imagine being the last human in existence - the idea escaped his grasp. Like so many times before he felt the overwhelming need to take his friend in his arms. Unlike so many times before he did so, and didn’t let go before the Doctor relaxed a little bit and returned the hug. For a second Fitz felt himself clung to, then the Doctor tried to withdraw. Fitz, however, kept him firmly in his arms and whispered:
“Why didn’t you come back for me?”
He was aware that the Time Lord had never given him any promises.
When the Doctor sighed Fitz let him go. He got his answer in the form of a mumbled “Everyone leaves in the end” he wasn’t sure had been meant for him.
“I won’t,” he assured none the less. “I fail at normal life. You’ve totally spoiled that for me. Which means I’ll have to stay with you forever.”
The Doctor gaze was sad, as if he’d heard those words once too often.
“Then you’ll die.”
“Then I die.” Fitz shrugged, trying to mask the fact that he really didn’t want to die. “Everyone dies in the end, sooner or later. Generally sooner, compared to you.” Maybe that was part of the problem.
“You don’t want to die, Fitz,” the Doctor said with a mild smile. Another part of the problem was that he knew his old friend far too well.
“Well, no. But I don’t want to go back either. I take the risk. And you owe this to me,” he added more serious. “Give me a chance no to leave you, Doctor. You’ll never know if it works if you always give up first. Do you really think staying on Earth is better than risking to die while saving the universe?”
“Yes.” The Doctor’s answer was heart-felt.
“Well, then I tell you something, you genius: It isn’t. Once someone has spend a single day in the TARDIS they can never go back.”
“I know,” the Doctor agreed, looking away. “That’s why I try not to pick up anyone else.”
“But it doesn’t work, does it?” Fitz realised. “You need someone around you.” At best someone innocent and kind hearted and full of wonder - Fitz knew he wasn’t the best pick then, but he could try. One of the first things he had learned while being with the Doctor was that the Time Lord needed someone to protect and to care for - the only way he was able to protect and care for himself. “One more reason for letting me stay as long as possible. Why spoil someone new when you can keep someone who’s already spoiled?” he added with a weak grin which was totally wasted to the fact that the Doctor still didn’t look at him.
The Time Lord thought about his words, or maybe about the weather on Mars in the twenty-fifth century - it was impossible to tell. In the end he left the couch without giving an answer and returned to the console, to play with the levers. This talk was over.
After a few seconds the movement of the column in the centre stopped, indicating they had reached their destination. Fitz hadn’t even knows they had one.
“Where are we?” he wanted to know, trying to shake off all traces of the feelings the conversation he hadn’t wanted had left in him - mostly the feeling of being incredibly stupid and slightly girly.
The Doctor grinned at him, already happy again. There was no sign of pain or sadness in his eyes, if Fitz didn’t look too deeply. He was the Doctor, alright.
“I have no idea,” he confessed with a brilliant smile and walked over the door to find out. “Somewhere.”
Fitz snorted and went after him. Under the circumstances it was the best answer he could hope for.
July 7, 2008
Prompt: #007 - Days
Claim: The Time War
Table: Here
Spoilers: None
Characters/Pairing: Fitz/Doctor (10)
Summary: Sequel to Elsewhere. A few days after getting back into the TARDIS Fitz wonders if the Doctor is still the man he knew years ago.
He watched the Doctor walk around the console, flick switches, pull levers, and wondered if by now the Time Lord actually understood what he was doing. The man operating the controls seemed relaxed, content, quietly enthusiastic about their next destination - wherever that would be. From time to time he spoke, throwing random bits of information into the room, telling his companion what was so special about this place or that. Fitz just watched, and marvelled on the difference.
It was hard to believe that this was the same man he had travelled with before, and yet very easy. It was in the way he moved, spoke, in his childlike enthusiasm. But Fitz couldn’t quite get over the completely different face, the different voice. And there was a darkness beneath the Doctor’s carefree behaviour he hadn’t noticed before - not to this extent.
Well, sometimes he had, alright. Sometimes the Doctor’s act had been quite obviously an act, even in the old days. But there had always been something to distract Fitz before he could think about it too much, and the Doctor was, and had been, so very good at changing the topic. Now he had a new face, and watching him for any changes beyond the obvious, while they were drifting calmly through space, Fitz couldn’t help but notice.
He wondered if his friend had been better at hiding his pain back then or if the pain had simply become stronger and was shining through the mask.
Eventually the Doctor stopped. He looked up, wearily, and asked:
“What is it?”
‘I’m just sitting here,’ Fitz wanted to say, avoiding any conversation that ran deeper than ‘What did you have for dinner’. They had done a lot of avoiding in the last few days.
It was nice being in space again. Seeing other worlds, being free to move in every direction, be a hero instead of getting up every morning to go to a job he hated, even if he tried not to face too many situations that required heroism - being with the Doctor that was impossible to avoid. Another thing that hadn’t changed.
In the six days since Fitz had entered the TARDIS again they had visited five different planets and times, never staying still for longer than Fitz needed to grab a few hours of sleep. The Doctor still didn’t seem to need much rest but sometimes Fitz found himself wondering why he was looking so tired.
Since he came back he had realised that it wasn’t really the travelling he had missed, even though it was a definite improvement to his life on Earth. But what he’d really missed was the Doctor’s company.
‘I thought you were dead,’ he wanted to say. ‘Care to explain why you aren’t?’ Now, that wouldn’t come out right. ‘Since you’re alive and well, care to explain why you never came back for me?’ Fitz wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. They had avoided this conversation for days, and if it was up to him he would be perfectly happy to keep avoiding it until he died of old age. Just pretend nothing had ever happened and they had never parted ways, and that it didn’t hurt to look at the Doctor now. Everything was fine because he finally had his friend back, but staring at the unfamiliar face in front of him Fitz wondered if he’d really gained anything at all.
He’d known every line of the Doctor’s face, the way his hair fell, the lines of his hands.
He’d never kissed the old one and so he couldn’t tell if it felt still the same.
That was another thing they had not spoken of, and Fitz suspected that here it was the Doctor who would prefer to pretend it never happened. Since he knew Fitz knew it was him the human had never even tried to touch him, and he wondered what had made the Doctor allow Fitz to kiss him in the first place. He didn’t know where he stood with this man, after all the time they spend apart. Maybe there was just a vacuum where their friendship had been, once, and what they had become wasn’t enough to fill it. The Doctor had so far never let them stand still long enough to find out.
Things were a bit more complicated now - when they spoke the gabs between their words were full of things neither of them wanted to say or hear.
“I don’t know who you are,” said Fitz.
The Doctor did neither move nor speak. His expression didn’t change but somehow Fitz could see the hurt in his eyes, disappointment and acceptance. He must have been used to his friends being unable to deal with the change of face, and so Fitz hurried to add:
“You’re the Doctor, I know that. I knew that even before I saw the TARDIS. It’s not the face, it’s…” He stopped, looking for words. “You are so much older now,” he finally said, feeling slightly helpless and stupid. “We haven’t seen each other for so long, and I don’t know what happened to you in that time. You’ve changed, you just seem…” He stopped again, because he didn’t want to say ‘broken’.
For a long moment the Doctor didn’t react at all. Then his shoulders seemed to slump. His steps were slow when he walked over to the couch and sat beside his friend. The silence was filled with possibilities until finally he spoke.
“How long has it been for you?” he wanted to know. Fitz felt his gaze on every new wrinkle on his face, on every visible sign of age. He shrugged.
‘Eleven years, two months and twenty-eight days.’
“About ten years, give or take,” he said. He was over forty now, not quite forty-five yet, he supposed, but it was impossible to tell exactly, given the years he had spend with the Doctor, travelling through time. His age had stopped mattering after a few days, when he’d realised that he had no way of telling how much time, exactly, had passed for him, and that he couldn’t remember the exact date he had left Earth anyway. His age didn’t matter to him now, when he sat beside the Doctor on this old, shabby couch and just wanted to stay with him until he got too old to stay alive.
Under the other's gaze he felt exposed and inferior, and he wondered which changes the Doctor saw in him, apart from the increased age. Not much probably. The time he’d spend on Earth hadn’t exactly been a character building experience.
Not for the first time he wondered if the other Time Lord even still wanted him around.
Fitz didn’t waste time to marvel on the fact that he didn’t know how old he was but could, if he wanted to, tell the exact number of days that had passed since he’d said goodbye to the Doctor on a street in London, wet with rain.
“How many times did you… did you change like that, since you left?” ‘And didn’t come back.’
“Twice.” It didn’t seem like much and the Doctor certainly made it sound like a banality, but Fitz could only think that the Doctor had died twice in his absence. And in how many years? He didn’t dare to ask.
“So I missed an entire life.”
“It wasn’t a very long one.” Judging from the way the Doctor spoke his words were probably meant to console him.
“Was it a good one, at least?”
The Doctor hesitated for a long time before he said:
“It was… terrible and perfect. It was necessary. It was just the usual, really. Travelling through time and space, saving worlds. Meeting people and losing them…” His voice trailed off.
“You mean, leaving them and never coming back.” Fitz hadn’t meant to say that. To his surprise the Doctor merely shook his head.
“It’s usually them who leave me. It’s only fair, I suppose.”
“You never came back,” Fitz’s voice repeated without his agreement.
“No,” the Doctor said, looking at him through those bottomless, dark eyes. “I didn’t.”
“Why not?” It should have sounded bitter but there was only concern, and vague hurt. The Doctor’s pain showed too clearly, even when he was smiling, as if something had broken him. Fitz found himself unable to feel anger, and suddenly his hand was on the Doctor’s cheek and his voice was soft. “What happened to you?”
The Doctor looked at him, and didn’t answer. After a moment Fitz withdrew his hand. Trying to breathe in the airless space he found himself in. Maybe they were nowhere.
“You’re different,” he said. “Not just your face. You’re definitely the man I knew and yet you seem like a stranger. What made you this way?”
The Doctor leaned back. And laughed - a quiet and hopeless sound.
“I lost a war, Fitz,” he confessed. “Over and over again.”
The human let the words sink in.
“You lost then? The Time War?”
“Defeated the Daleks, for the moment at least. There were no winners.”
“So the Time Lords…”
“I’m the last one now.” The Doctor was aiming for casualty, not quite succeeding.
Fitz tried to imagine being the last human in existence - the idea escaped his grasp. Like so many times before he felt the overwhelming need to take his friend in his arms. Unlike so many times before he did so, and didn’t let go before the Doctor relaxed a little bit and returned the hug. For a second Fitz felt himself clung to, then the Doctor tried to withdraw. Fitz, however, kept him firmly in his arms and whispered:
“Why didn’t you come back for me?”
He was aware that the Time Lord had never given him any promises.
When the Doctor sighed Fitz let him go. He got his answer in the form of a mumbled “Everyone leaves in the end” he wasn’t sure had been meant for him.
“I won’t,” he assured none the less. “I fail at normal life. You’ve totally spoiled that for me. Which means I’ll have to stay with you forever.”
The Doctor gaze was sad, as if he’d heard those words once too often.
“Then you’ll die.”
“Then I die.” Fitz shrugged, trying to mask the fact that he really didn’t want to die. “Everyone dies in the end, sooner or later. Generally sooner, compared to you.” Maybe that was part of the problem.
“You don’t want to die, Fitz,” the Doctor said with a mild smile. Another part of the problem was that he knew his old friend far too well.
“Well, no. But I don’t want to go back either. I take the risk. And you owe this to me,” he added more serious. “Give me a chance no to leave you, Doctor. You’ll never know if it works if you always give up first. Do you really think staying on Earth is better than risking to die while saving the universe?”
“Yes.” The Doctor’s answer was heart-felt.
“Well, then I tell you something, you genius: It isn’t. Once someone has spend a single day in the TARDIS they can never go back.”
“I know,” the Doctor agreed, looking away. “That’s why I try not to pick up anyone else.”
“But it doesn’t work, does it?” Fitz realised. “You need someone around you.” At best someone innocent and kind hearted and full of wonder - Fitz knew he wasn’t the best pick then, but he could try. One of the first things he had learned while being with the Doctor was that the Time Lord needed someone to protect and to care for - the only way he was able to protect and care for himself. “One more reason for letting me stay as long as possible. Why spoil someone new when you can keep someone who’s already spoiled?” he added with a weak grin which was totally wasted to the fact that the Doctor still didn’t look at him.
The Time Lord thought about his words, or maybe about the weather on Mars in the twenty-fifth century - it was impossible to tell. In the end he left the couch without giving an answer and returned to the console, to play with the levers. This talk was over.
After a few seconds the movement of the column in the centre stopped, indicating they had reached their destination. Fitz hadn’t even knows they had one.
“Where are we?” he wanted to know, trying to shake off all traces of the feelings the conversation he hadn’t wanted had left in him - mostly the feeling of being incredibly stupid and slightly girly.
The Doctor grinned at him, already happy again. There was no sign of pain or sadness in his eyes, if Fitz didn’t look too deeply. He was the Doctor, alright.
“I have no idea,” he confessed with a brilliant smile and walked over the door to find out. “Somewhere.”
Fitz snorted and went after him. Under the circumstances it was the best answer he could hope for.
July 7, 2008