Lack of worth

[utternutter]

I'm becoming more and more depressed of late.  I'm mostly able to cope with working during the day even though my mind's not on it and am still exercising in the evenings, but at night I get a huge wave of negative, agitated energy come over me and I'm not able to relax enough to go to bed.  I often end up hitting, kicking, punching and biting

Comments

[altglas]

have you seen your GP or someone about the lack of sleep? while sleeping won't cure everything, I find that I get bad phases so much more often when I'm overtired - I want to basically kill everyone who even looks at me, or think I'm the worst person ever and it's not good for me to feel this aggressive towards others or myself

[utternutter]

I'm really not that bothered about the lack of sleep. I don't have trouble staying asleep, I just can't relax enough to go to bed if I'm depressed and agitated. At the moment the school I work at has broken up, so at least for this week I can counter balance it by lying in.

If people are looking at me and judging me in the way J does, then I think I'm entitled to feel aggressive towards myself and them. It wasn't tiredness talking, it was a reaction I would always make. I just need to make sure I feel it, but don't act on it.

[toad2000]

Re the tiredness: It always amazes me how down I can get when I haven't been sleeping. Most of my more self-destructive episodes have either happened late at night or following a period of poor sleep

[utternutter]

I've been sleepless because of being unhappy, not the unhappy due to lack of sleep. It's most definitely that way round.

It would be nice to see you, but I am in Wales this weekend. Enjoy your park gathering.

[flippity]

Angry bit: I read this and am now pretty much as angry as it is possible to be. You are beautiful, inside and out. You're kind, honest and more principled and idealistic than anyone else I know. I don't think I'll ever forget picking up litter with you in Platt fields! If any man ever says that kind of thing to you (or to any woman really) they're not worth another moment of your time. Fuck him.

More measured bit: Do you still have any mutual friends with the guy from school? Could you maybe speak to them to try and find out how genuine he's likely to be, assuming it wouldn't be a horrible breach of confidence? Even if that's not possible, my advice would be not to let one idiot stop you from trusting everyone. They're not all like that.

[utternutter]

Thanks Becky, but I think I'm becoming more jaded with age. I think a lot of people think like J does. He does have a good point (even if it's one I think should not be the case).

I do know people the guy from school knows, but they either don't know him all that well, or I don't know them well enough to ask. I suppose what I should do is try to stay with somebody else in the same city and visit him whilst I'm up there. I don't think I'll be able to do that for a while now though. To be honest I'm not sure how interested he is.

[harmonybunny114]

I'm furious as well. That was an absolutely shitty thing to say. Honesty is one thing, and letting you know that he thinks Jewish men are shallow is ok, but going on to tell you that you should be changing is absolutely not on in my books. I'm glad he wrote to you later amending this, but the fact that he made you feel guilty and stubborn for sticking to your ideals is disgusting. I really am so angry. I know that some people do think this way, but it's so depressing to come face to face with it.

You are absolutely right that if the circles you are in are depressing you, you should change circles. Jewish or not! Obviously you have a large incentive to meet Jewish men, but that cannot become the dominating factor in your life, and you have to socialise with people who value you.

I don't think your text was harsh at all, I think it was magnanimous!

Grr grr grr. I feel so angry!

[utternutter]

Thanks. You're right, it is a pretty depressing reality.

[pookatimes]

I'm not angry as such, just astonished that anyone - you included - could think of you(rself), physically, as anything but pretty. Because you are. You've got a very attractive face and a lovely physique. And that's before anything else - hell, even the way you walk is attractive.

If all Jewish men are like that, then fuck 'em. But not all Jewish men are like that, either. That's a generalisation. J isn't helping ether you or his religious/cultural group by what he said. What an idiot.

[utternutter]

No, not all jewish men are like that, but my experience is that it's a very large majority. Thanks for your kind words too, but I'm really not feeling very attractive at all.

[pookatimes]

Mmm, but doesn't your experience of Jewish men depend to a substantial extent on meeting them through "Jewish dating" websites?

To give an analogy. Suppose your parents insist that you marry a White British man, and so you join a website that advertises itself as being a place where White British men can date White British women. What sort of men would want to join that website? ... I imagine BNP supporters would eagerly join, whereas men with liberal opinions would prefer to join other websites instead. The men you meet through that website would not be a representative sample of all White British men, but a minority with a particular outlook on life.

Presumably the men on Jewish dating websites are not a representative sample of all Jewish men either?

Chris L

[utternutter]

I'm not convinced by that argument. Firstly, a dating website doesn't say much about views or ideology, whereas a political party does, secondly I know jewish men from a wide range of places, as I've spent my life going to synagogues (of various denominations), jewish youth groups and also jewish schools and of course I've met some few in other places too including PGP and MUGSS (though not many)!

[rainbowfire86]

It's all about MUGSS my dear!....
You are not at all worthless. There are far too many people in this world who are self-absorbed, shallow and egocentric, and mixing with too many of them will bring you down. At the end of the day you know in your heart who you are, and you know that tarting yourself up isn't going to make you more worthy in any way. Sadly there are some people who think like this, but those who are worth YOUR friendship and more are the ones who will see you and love you for who you are. You know it!!

[utternutter]

Sometimes one starts to believe that the whole world can't be wrong, so it must be me! I don't think I do know who I am, I only really know who I'm not.