Lack of worth
I'm becoming more and more depressed of late. I'm mostly able to cope with working during the day even though my mind's not on it and am still exercising in the evenings, but at night I get a huge wave of negative, agitated energy come over me and I'm not able to relax enough to go to bed. I often end up hitting, kicking, punching and biting myself or hitting my head against hard things. I do this or some other odd form of manic activity until I tire myself out enough to sleep, usually around 3 or 4am and then get up at 7:15 sluggishly and the cycle begins again. I'm totally losing the plot and it's pretty darned scary. I'm not sure if I appear withdrawn, but I feel it. I'm not enjoying much and I fail at most attempts of social interaction. The only adult I see regularly, who I'm feeling ok with is Jonathan from trampolining.
I think a lot of this stems from not mixing with groups of people where I feel valued anymore. If mix almost exclusively with people who don't value me for too long, I start believing myself to be worthless. This is the case with the jewish social crowds and also at work. Perhaps I am worthless. This was exacerbated last week by a so called friend of mine. I was quite into this guy J, as I believed him to be different from most other jewish males I've met and thought we were on a similar wavelength. I went to a friend's gig with some other people and J turned up. I didn't actually feel like going out, but since it was one of the rare occassions where somebody had asked me to go, I felt like I ought to. The band my friend was in ended up playing later than anticipated, so J was unable to get home (the tube had stopped running). I said that he could crash at my house. He did and we ended up getting unexpectedly physically close (no, don't worry, we didn't get quite that close). He then lay pensive and sheepishly said that he wanted to be "just friends" and that he wanted to try dating another girl (who I subsequently met). I shouldn't have let myself be lead on and I should have realised that he could never be interested in me, but stupidly I allowed myself and felt used. The following Wednesday after I drove him back from trampolining, we went to the pub. I was already pretty depressed and he knew this. He decided to tell me that the answer to my problems was to become more feminine, wear make-up, pluck my eyelashes and see a beautician and only then would jewish men be at all interested in me. The sad thing is that he's absolutely right. I'm so fucking ugly and jewish men are phenomenally shallow. He made me feel as if I were being stubborn and sub-normal by not doing that, he kept saying that there was no harm in trying, but I tried to make him understand that I don't think make-up looks nice, if I got made up I wouldn't feel pretty, I'd feel fake. I want to be liked for who I am, not for what I'm pretending to be. Why isn't that enough? He didn't understand, he thinks I'm in the wrong and that I'm pathetic. I was feeling so awful when I left that pub that I impulsively nearly drove us both into a road island on purpose; I slammed on the breaks just in time (I hadn't had any alcohol, I was just not stable). After getting home I spoke to a some friends, 2 of which had recently asked me out on dates and another was an ex-boyfriend, who said that they liked me the way I am and that in fact they liked me because I was not a princess/tart. So what is it with jewish men and their shallow need for arm candy rather than companions? I need to stop mixing in jewish circles, so that I can start remembering to value myself. I don't want to be judged by those criterion. Talking to those friends afterwards reminded me that I need to mix with people who judge me on traits I aspire to and value.
Oddly on Thursday somebody Jewish did tell me that they had fancied me since school, but I'm not sure whether or not to trust them. They've moved out of London now and I think they want me to go and visit them, but I'm not sure whether I should or not. I'm bad at judging and I don't want to get used and humiliated again.
On Friday J sent me a message saying "How are you feeling. I'm sorry about what I said, you need to be the person you feel comfortable with." To which I replied "Never be sorry for saying what you think. I value your honesty even if I don't share your values." He then said "I really value your values I suppose most people are shallow." I sent a huge reply saying "I don't really believe you do value my values; I don't think you get them, but that's ok. I know I'm a bit off the wall in how I perceive things, but there are others around who think in a similar way. You're probably right that most jewish men view me in that way, but that doesn't mean it's good or that I should change. I just need to mix more with people who care about things I value, otherwise I forget that it's their downfall and not mine. Took chatting to a couple of friends after our Wednesday chat to remind me. I'm entitled to be myself without being made to feel inadequate. Hope you're enjoying the Friday night dinner. (Making the most of free texts!)"
I have not heard from J since sending that text. I hope it wasn't too harsh. I also wish I believed what I said in it, about it being their downfall for being shallow and not mine. In my head I know that's the case, as I've been in social crowds where I've felt valued, but right now I can't help feeling a bit ugly, inadequate, humiliated and depressed (not quite enough to get a fucking makeover though).
I think a lot of this stems from not mixing with groups of people where I feel valued anymore. If mix almost exclusively with people who don't value me for too long, I start believing myself to be worthless. This is the case with the jewish social crowds and also at work. Perhaps I am worthless. This was exacerbated last week by a so called friend of mine. I was quite into this guy J, as I believed him to be different from most other jewish males I've met and thought we were on a similar wavelength. I went to a friend's gig with some other people and J turned up. I didn't actually feel like going out, but since it was one of the rare occassions where somebody had asked me to go, I felt like I ought to. The band my friend was in ended up playing later than anticipated, so J was unable to get home (the tube had stopped running). I said that he could crash at my house. He did and we ended up getting unexpectedly physically close (no, don't worry, we didn't get quite that close). He then lay pensive and sheepishly said that he wanted to be "just friends" and that he wanted to try dating another girl (who I subsequently met). I shouldn't have let myself be lead on and I should have realised that he could never be interested in me, but stupidly I allowed myself and felt used. The following Wednesday after I drove him back from trampolining, we went to the pub. I was already pretty depressed and he knew this. He decided to tell me that the answer to my problems was to become more feminine, wear make-up, pluck my eyelashes and see a beautician and only then would jewish men be at all interested in me. The sad thing is that he's absolutely right. I'm so fucking ugly and jewish men are phenomenally shallow. He made me feel as if I were being stubborn and sub-normal by not doing that, he kept saying that there was no harm in trying, but I tried to make him understand that I don't think make-up looks nice, if I got made up I wouldn't feel pretty, I'd feel fake. I want to be liked for who I am, not for what I'm pretending to be. Why isn't that enough? He didn't understand, he thinks I'm in the wrong and that I'm pathetic. I was feeling so awful when I left that pub that I impulsively nearly drove us both into a road island on purpose; I slammed on the breaks just in time (I hadn't had any alcohol, I was just not stable). After getting home I spoke to a some friends, 2 of which had recently asked me out on dates and another was an ex-boyfriend, who said that they liked me the way I am and that in fact they liked me because I was not a princess/tart. So what is it with jewish men and their shallow need for arm candy rather than companions? I need to stop mixing in jewish circles, so that I can start remembering to value myself. I don't want to be judged by those criterion. Talking to those friends afterwards reminded me that I need to mix with people who judge me on traits I aspire to and value.
Oddly on Thursday somebody Jewish did tell me that they had fancied me since school, but I'm not sure whether or not to trust them. They've moved out of London now and I think they want me to go and visit them, but I'm not sure whether I should or not. I'm bad at judging and I don't want to get used and humiliated again.
On Friday J sent me a message saying "How are you feeling. I'm sorry about what I said, you need to be the person you feel comfortable with." To which I replied "Never be sorry for saying what you think. I value your honesty even if I don't share your values." He then said "I really value your values I suppose most people are shallow." I sent a huge reply saying "I don't really believe you do value my values; I don't think you get them, but that's ok. I know I'm a bit off the wall in how I perceive things, but there are others around who think in a similar way. You're probably right that most jewish men view me in that way, but that doesn't mean it's good or that I should change. I just need to mix more with people who care about things I value, otherwise I forget that it's their downfall and not mine. Took chatting to a couple of friends after our Wednesday chat to remind me. I'm entitled to be myself without being made to feel inadequate. Hope you're enjoying the Friday night dinner. (Making the most of free texts!)"
I have not heard from J since sending that text. I hope it wasn't too harsh. I also wish I believed what I said in it, about it being their downfall for being shallow and not mine. In my head I know that's the case, as I've been in social crowds where I've felt valued, but right now I can't help feeling a bit ugly, inadequate, humiliated and depressed (not quite enough to get a fucking makeover though).