To Live in Die in LA:Book Two-Part Six
She had been here before.
Faith stood on a long stretch of sand. It extended out in front of her like a never ending path of brown moving straight into the horizon. She was barefoot and she wore a dress, a plain black shapeless dress that fluttered its hem around her knees. She paused for a moment about where she was or how she got here but the impulse passed. As if the wondering of her mind was simply hushed, she could not get her head together. This was not so foreign to her, but she could not say why.
She had been here before.
As she walked she could feel the sand move beneath her feet, the sky exploded into colors that reminded her of lividity and strangulatio. The clouds chased each other overhead like a film running forward at high speed. The dunes that seemed to rise from the barren stretches did not tire her legs, but she felt trepidation rounding them. She walked around a dark swathe of sand to see a woman was standing there in her path.
"You’re late." The slump-shouldered woman said with a harsh tone. Like a harpy, the woman shuffled her upper body and seemed to drag her legs in her wake."Kept me waiting."
Faith felt herself shrink back from the tone instantly, her back clenching and shoulders tight. She wanted to be smaller, invisible. She tried to take a step back but found she couldn’t. The woman reached out, her breath stinking of alcohol and smoke as she grabbed the Slayer's hair. Faith felt herself beat at the hands uselessly as the woman held her aloft and shook her as she screamed "What is wrong with you! Useless waste of flesh!" Faith tore at the hands again and again but the woman would not let go "Grow up and be a whore spreading your legs for anyone and everyone. All women are good for, and then they still won't have you. You do what you are, girl... nothing good." she had spun Faith around to face her. Spittle flew in the slayer’s face as the woman went on "Should have let you die when you were born! Should have drowned you as a sniveling rat of an infant!"
Faith tried to pull back again as she grabbed the hag's wrist with both hands and screamed "LET ME GO MAMA!" She heard flesh tearing as Faith came away with two folds of dead flesh like jerky in her grip, leaving a skeletal hand entangled in her hair.
"YOU WILL NEVER BE AWAY FROM ME!" Her mothre screamed, the flesh falling from her face, leaving only the skeletal remains of charred bones leering at her with that eternal grin. Faith went berserk and beat at the arm relentlessly; she had to get away from her.
She fell to the ground instantly.
The sand cushioned the fall as Faith looked up in panic for her mother to start attacking her again but all she saw was sand. The path was unbarred as she took off running, desperate to get away from here. Anywhere but here. Because she knew.
She had been here before.
Another few steps and a man stood in the center of the path. He was a massive man with a barrel chest and forearms larger than most people’s legs. He had a grizzly face and as he stood with his arms crossed the faded but still visible bulldog mascot of the Marine Corps could be made out. He looked at her with one eye lifted and the contempt a warrior gives of those who are not. With a slight growl he said "Weak. Pathetic. Useless."
She knew what came next; she dropped down to the now black sand as he lashed forward with a strike. She felt her entire body respond as she moved beneath the blow, throwing him over to his back. This was Marley, the Marine who had taken her in the weeks after she had run away. He had saw her sleeping on the streets and brought her back to his place. Where he fed her, talked to her, and eventually taught her to fight.
He spun on his back taking her legs out from under her. She fell to her back as she felt his weight on top of her "Slow." he barked "Scrawny. Hopeless." he growled holding her down on the floor. She struggled with him as his breath was hot against her face. "Sluggish." he said slower as his hand began to wander downwards "Feeble." she could feel his lust press against her leg "Female."
NO!" she struck out, her hand lashing across his face. Never again. She had promised herself, never again would she be meat for anyone. The snap of bone was one that was both recognizable and comforting on some level to her as she pushed his corpse off of her. She felt the sand kick up as she ran again, she felt the wind rush through her hair as she took off down the waterless beach as fast as she could because she knew.
She had been here before.
She ran smack dab into another man. This one was younger than Marley yet older than Faith. He was wearing a suit that looked too big on him and had a casual yet empathetic smile that looked out of place on someone so young. He held her by the shoulders and talked in a soothing voice "You don’t have to run anymore." his voice was American but there was a clipped edge to it. He sounded like he was trying to speak with a British accent or he was trying hard not to.
This was Archer, her watcher sent by the council to find the potential in South Boston and teach her about her new life. Faith was his first potential and he had such high hopes for them. He was everything she would have wanted in a Watcher…except for that lousy accent.
It sounded adorable nonetheless and she felt the momentary rush of panic begin to subside. His eyes were like pools of understanding: calming, healing, wise. "You are special Faith, you are one of the chosen few in the world." he said as her breathing calmed. "What you did you did for survival. Out of fear. You never have to be afraid again. You are not weak Faith, you are not alone." his smile warmed her for a moment "You will never have to be alone."
And then a fist pierced his chest.
"For Kakistos we live." a voice said behind the dying Watcher. As the startled body of Archer fell to the sand staining it with fresh blood "For Kakistos you die." said the ancient vampire standing in front of her with cloven hooves dug into the sand.
She reacted without thought; her hand striking into his eye, the wet pop was disturbing as she felt warm liquid splatter on her hand. He fell to a crouch cursing as she pushed past him and began running again. She wiped the gore off her hand but found the blood would not come off. She wasn’t surprised, after all. There was always going to be a stain. Blood never came away so easily.
She had been here before.
She felt the sand really pick up as she took off like a bullet. She knew he was behind her as her chest clenched in pain from the exertion. She ran and ran and ran; knowing that distance here was of no consequence. As she sprinted she could feel the vampire’s breath on her neck as she saw a group of people standing on the side of the path. Throwing an elbow behind her she was rewarded with a momentary cry of pain and the feeling of him faded as she came up on the gathering of people.
They were five people her age standing there; three girls and two boys. The girls were as different as could be. One was tall and blond and had a superior look about her while the other was smaller, red headed and looked like she was uncomfortable in her own skin. The last was pretty with big hair, she twirled it as she looked around seeming bored with life. The boys though were as most boys. One was taller and had a smirk that hid his insecurity.. The other was smaller and for some reason reminded Faith of a predator with his eyes. "Problems?" the blond asked, talking for all of them.
"Run!" Faith gasped, stopping for a moment "It’s coming. It’s coming…"
"It’s coming for you." The blond said with her hands on her hips "Not for us."
The tall boy shrugged "Yeah sorry, we’re all full up on ancient vampires bent on vengeance."
The red headed girl nodded "Yeah what’s up with that? Why do vampires have to be so vengeancy?"
The pretty girl chimed in "I know. That is so…ugh. I mean why even bother?"
The smaller boy looked at her with a dead pan look and said "Something in their blood?"
They all laughed as a figure came looming behind Faith. She looked at them again "You have to help me! He’s coming!!"
The blond took a step forward and almost spit in her face "I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to." and she pushed Faith farther down the path "I’m Buffy."
Faith stumbled for a few steps and then began running again. She knew it was coming, she could feel it behind her. Suddenly there was a knife in her hand and she knew it was going to be him or her. One of them was going to die in the next few seconds. She ran and ran and ran, worry turning to fear turning to terror. She knew what came next. She always knew what comes next.
She had been here before.
The hand on her shoulder caused her to call out and she spun, lunging with the knife as hard as she could. "DIE!" she screamed "STOP CHASING ME!!" her voice was ragged with fear.
A man stood there, knife plunged into his chest. The deputy mayor, again. Dark red began to spill out staining his suit as she let go of the knife and gasped. He looked down at the knife and then back to her "Way to go…" he gasped out "…killer."
And he died. Again.
She turned around to run and he was standing there, smiling.
"Hi Faith." Mayor Wilkins said smiling.
"He" she said looking back at the body "He just...I mean…I thought he was-"
He shushed her quietly as they began to walk "So you killed someone.." he said reasonably "I mean who hasn’t?" he laughed "And besides he was evil anyways, and in the end that’s what counts."
She was unconvinced as they kept walking; she noticed his shoes didn’t leave any footsteps as they talked "But I killed a man."
He shrugged "And?" he asked looking at her "I mean there are six billion of them wandering around. What’s one more dead in the long run?" she opened her mouth to argue but he put a finger on her lips to silence her "Look Faith, I can’t have you going all soft every time you off someone." he said in that father like voice "People are soft and they get in the way." he paused "Kind of like Peeps." she looked confused "Little marshmallow chicks they sell at Easter?" she nodded her head in shock "Well see people are like that. They are soft, squishy and I have to admit delicious." he said patting his stomach "I mean what’s Easter without Peeps?" they continued walking but she was numb "So what’s life without killing a few people?" He handed her a knife "Take this and go have some fun." he said "After all, you only live once." and his eyes turned reptilian "And then you die and burn with the rest of us for
all time!"
She pulled away and began to run again. He stood there and laughed as she felt the sand moving beneath her feet as she kicked it away. She kept looking over her shoulder for him to follow when she heard a sound in front of her. She turned and Buffy was standing there smiling. She was holding the knife the Mayor had just handed her, waving it in her hand. Faith looked up and tried to stop as Buffy plunged it into her gut, a grim smile on her face "Hey remember this?" she said turning the knife "I stuck it in your gut. Just slid it in you like you were butter."
Faith felt the blood begin to spill as she rammed her head forward into Buffy’s.
The blond Slayer shattered into shards of glass, each one showing a small part of Buffy like a mirror broken. Faith began to drag herself forward, copious amounts of blood dropping with each step. The pain radiated so deep that it was cold around the edges, and she knew it was a killing blow. Except the way things had been going, she wasn't so sure she would ever have the rest of death and dying. The tranquility and bright light? Was that for real or just a snowjob so people kept hoping til the bitter end? As she pulled herself forward she saw a man standing on the side of the road. He was handsome and well built, his face glowing with the mid west charm that screamed all American. He smiled at her and she felt herself smiling back.
"Riley?" she called out in surprise.
"Fucking whore!" he said spitting in her face. She flinched as if hit as she stumbled away from him "It made me sick knowing I fucked you. I should have known it wasn’t her!" he screamed as she limped away "I should have known…it felt wrong! You are wrong!"
His voice faded in the distance as she fell to the ground, gasping like a fish out of water. Looking up she saw another handsome man. Though unlike Riley Finn, Lindsey was sophisticated and had a veneer of charm. His eyes were far more knowing than Riley's. He had that swarmy smile of a city boy. "You ok?" he asked kneeling down. His hand was out and she didn’t want to take it…but she was so weak…so hurt…
"I’m Lindsey." he said as she felt his hand go around hers "I’m here to help you." he said helping her up "I just need a favor…"
He pressed a crossbow in her hand and pushed her forward. She somehow managed to keep her feet under her as she tripped her way up the beach. As she walked in a daze she saw a man tied to a chair. He was beaten badly, one eye swollen shut as he looked over to her "We’ve done blunt." he said through his split lip "That still leaves sharp, cold, hot and loud."
The words chilled her to the bone as she turned and began to run. The crossbow was still there and as she rounded the next corner she saw a man standing there in a trenchcoat. His beauty took her breath away and as she began to slow she saw that somewhere, behind those ancient eyes.
He understood.
Suddenly Lindsey was next to her grabbing her hand "Come on, come on already." he called out moving Faith’s arm to aim at the vampire "What the hell do you think you are?" he said his finger looping around hers "You’re a killer not a human." he whispered in her ear "So kill already!"
She felt his finger tighten as the bolt went flying at Angel. Crying out she pushed the lawyer off of her and ran towards the dark figure. She got two steps as she saw the bolt pierce his heart instantly. He looked up as if to say something and then he dissolved.
No, no, no...Angel. She sobbed harshly, hands ineffectually closing on air.
She dropped to her knees as the wind blew what remained of him into her face. She sat there sobbing, her tears and blood staining the ground. She saw a shadow over her but she didn’t have the energy to even look up. She heard the mayor’s voice again.
"So what’d you think? You’d get your soul back and everything’d be Jim Dandy?" she felt him kneel down to her level "Soul’s slippery than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine?" he laughed but it was without feeling, without any real emotion "No matter what you do, Buffy will always see you as a killer, not as a person." she shook her head as he went on "You keep looking for love and acceptance from these people, these…friends…of yours, but you? You’re never going to find it." his voice was in her ear…and she knew what was coming next.
She had been here before.
But instead she heard a wet thunk and a gurgling sound as the shadow vanished. Standing there over the Mayor’s dead body was Dean Winchester. He looked…well perfect. His hair blew in the breeze as he stood there with his hands in his leather jacket. He looked down at her and said "The truth is nobody will ever love you. Not the way I love you."
She felt her throat close up. She wanted to run before Dean could hurt her or turn on her like everyone else in this place. She could not bear it from him. If he kicked her and told her to die - she might, just from the words..
He got down next to her, crouching to bring their faces level. "You have to get up." he said, his voice with that same urgency that Dean seemed to have for everything "Faith, you have to get up."
She shook her head, she was tired, so tired.
He shook her "Get up, Faith. I mean it." his voice was harder now, almost a growl "Get your ass up RIGHT NOW!" she looked up at him and his eyes were the most brilliant green she had ever seen…because they were tinged with tears "You have to get up…" he sounded so sad.
He placed his hand on her chest and she felt the warmth "You have to get up."
She looked him in the eyes. He tried to smile and said under his breath "For me?"
And she realized…somewhere in her brain that made sense. For Dean? She could do more. Would do more.
She got up and began to walk again, this was different, this was new. She was not just waiting to see what came next. Now? She wanted out of this wasteland. She had things to do. She had Dean waiting on her, needing her. This place was going to let her go if she had to rake down the sky with her fingernails. She left Dean kneeling back there as she rounded the last turn. She was not surprised to see Buffy standing there. She was dressed in typical Buffy fashion, red leather pants, black shirt, smug look. But she was sitting in front of a fire at the edge of the beach. Behind her there was nothing…nothing but blackness. She looked up as Faith stepped forward "You are here."
There was something in the voice that was different, something in the timbre or the tone…the dark Slayer nodded "I’m here."
She made a gesture for her to sit "We must talk, you and I."
Faith sat down slowly "You’re not Buffy."
Faith saw Buffy’s eyes look back at her "I am." and then the eyes changed. Her hair grew dark and Faith saw her own face looking back "I am you." and then to Kendra "I am her." and her face changed a million times and in a million voices said "I am them." Faith closed her eyes as her head swam and when she opened them again she was sitting across from a dark skinned savage with dried mud on her face and a spear in her hand. There was an air of savagery from her but Faith had no fear, none at all. For the first time she got here, she felt nothing but belonging and peace.
"You’re the Slayer," Faith said.
"The question is" she said turning in Buffy’s voice "are you?"
Faith paused, not understanding the question.
The primal Slayer went on "You have been here before Faith Lehane. You have come to this place where life and death meet." she gestured to the right where the dunes were alive with vegetation and flowers "Life" and she gestured towards the rolling black ocean with no end "And death." She gestured behind Faith "You have been here before."
Faith turned to look behind her and saw herself lying in a hospital bed. She stifled a gasp as she saw the tubes and monitors connected to her form…she looked so…frail. "You have been here before, and you have chosen to leave." Faith looked back at her "And now you are here again." The primal pointed the spear towards her "The question is do you wish to be the Slayer?"
Faith paused, no one had ever asked her before. In her entire life it had always just been. Never a choice, never a decision. It was simply, life.
"Not be the Slayer?" Faith asked.
"You are here." she said again in Buffy’s voice "You have a choice."
Faith looked to the dunes and saw a bunch of people standing there. Xander, Giles, Clem, Dawn, the potentials. All of them just standing there, smiling at her. But she didn’t notice any of them, all she saw was Dean. He stood there, that same sad look on his face, waiting. Waiting for her.
She looked to the other side and the ocean called to her. It was relaxing, calming…forever. She could feel the end of her worries and cares in that water. No evil, no tasks, no fate. A chance to sleep, perhaps to dream. She was so tired…so damn tired of this.
"You have a choice." the primal asked again.
"Stop doing that." Faith said suddenly "If you’re going to sound like her be her." She thought the primal would be angry or lash out. Instead it was Buffy sitting across from her.
"Better?" she asked.
"Good enough." Faith muttered "That talking with your lips not moving is creepy."
"I know right?" Buffy said "Total night of the living ventriloquist."
Faith’s head shot up "Buffy?"
Buffy looked back at her "Um…yeah?"
Faith sighed in relief "You’re here! You’re actually here!" she said getting up and hugging her tightly.
"Um…personal space." Buffy said patting her on the back.
"I thought you were dead!" Faith said sitting next to her.
Buffy looked past Faith towards the water, her voice was legions deep and soft. "I think I am."
Faith turned and saw Buffy standing with the waves crashing around her knees. She stood there, watching the silently milling people on the shore of Life. Faith looked back at Buffy who smiled. The golden girl smiled compassionately, saying "Kind of creepy huh?" Faith saw her sigh and look down "Maybe third time’s a charm."
Faith felt the panic begin to rise in her chest again "You can’t die. You can’t."
She looked up with a sympathetic smile "I’ve died twice already." and in a smaller voice "I’ve been here before too."
Faith felt her whole world begin to tumble "But the girls, and the Council…Buffy you can’t die."
"I already have Faith." she grabbed the other Slayers hand "This is like some kind of Obi wan message from beyond and oh my god I am so killing Xander I know that." she said in frustration. Faith felt herself smile as tears began to burn her eyes "You have to stop them." she said "You do." she said even more earnest. "I know it is completely unfair for me to tell you to go on when I…" and she looked at the ocean again "…I can’t. But you have to Faith. You really do."
"I don’t want to." she said hating the weakness in her voice "I’m not supposed to be the Slayer. You are. I’m the evil one; I am always going to be just the bad one."
Now Buffy was crying "No, you’re not." she sighed "Look I’ve been a bitch to you a long time." and she paused "And wow you know I am dead if I can say that out loud." she looked at Faith "I just…I just so wanted to be like you. All cool and tough and…well not me." she said "But with Dawn and my mom and everything…I never could." she touched Faith’s cheek "We should have been friends, we should have been great friends."
Faith nodded as she felt herself cracking up "I would have liked that." she admitted.
Buffy’s face softened "So would have I." she stood up suddenly "Look I have to go." she said as Faith rose too "But let me give you something before I go. Something I should have given you a long time ago."
Faith opened her mouth to stop her but Buffy was suddenly holding the axe. She handed it to her "Here." she said thrusting it into Faith’s hand "It belongs with the Slayer."
Faith’s hand gripped it automatically and she felt its power flow through her. She could feel what was left of Buffy’s life flow into her. She blinked as she didn’t feel so tired any more. Buffy was closer to her now than she had ever been before. Taking Buffy's body had been a childish attack, and nothing so intimate as this. She had the life essence of her friend-not-friend winding through her veins sure and strong.
Buffy was fading like a ghost. She looked at the dunes, directly at Dean. She asked Faith "You love that boy?"
Faith turned to see Dean standing there, still waiting. Faith couldn’t talk, only nod.
Buffy’s hands went through Faith like mist "Then live." she said "Live for him." and Faith felt Buffy drifting away "And tell Angel…" and the voice paused "…tell him there will be cookies waiting for him on the other side." Faith made a face for a second and heard Buffy laugh "He’ll know what it means."
And she was gone.
Faith could feel it. What was left of Buffy’s life was now in her, coating every cell of her being. She looked down and saw the primal looking up at her. Now in her own voice Faith heard her ask "What is your choice?"
Faith gripped the axe tighter and smiled "I am the Slayer." she said "And it’s time for me to leave this place." she looked around "And never come back."
The primal nodded and opened its mouth "Stay with me Faith."
She blinked a few times…that was Dean’s voice. Again the ancient Slayer spoke by moving its mouth "Come on Faith! Wake UP!!!"
And her heart started beating again. Her body shivered back to life and she gripped two things- the handle of the axe- and Dean Winchester.
Previously on To Live in Die in L.A.
Prelude// Part One// Part Two/ Part Three/ Part Four/ Part Five/ Part Six/ Part Seven/ Part Eight/ Part Nine/ Part Ten