Comments | upendedurn: Raked Across the Coals

upendedurn

Raked Across the Coals

Mar 12, 2009 23:30

What a bad mood came over me today! The Hawai'i drama took some time to sink in, but when it did it hurt like hell. A mess of emotion: deep sadness to break connection, anger at him for not wanting to be happy, anger at him for lashing out at me, anger at myself for taking his bullshit for so long and letting him play victim, loneliness and shame. ( Read more... )

husbands

Comments 10

nerak_g March 13 2009, 14:49:51 UTC

Good boundaries.
=)

Even if they hurt sometimes.
XhugsX

mskittieface March 13 2009, 17:20:27 UTC

I am a little surprised you have no wives. :)

upendedurn March 14 2009, 11:52:03 UTC

I'm open to the possibility.

dahled March 14 2009, 05:23:05 UTC

as an actual husband it feels... well, wrong
i've been feeling a little guilty (being married) with all the prop (h)8.
all a lot of folks want is a 'husband' - you're shootin for a dozen
any of which _you_ could actually marry at a moments notice.

the other thing is 'husband' connotes exclusivity - without that it looses much if not all of the rest of it's meaning. to use the poly folks' lingo it doesn't seem like you have a primary partner much less an exclusive one...

the words only really work for communication if we all agree one what they mean

upendedurn March 14 2009, 12:17:44 UTC

That's an interesting take. I haven't heard any negative feedback from any of my queer friends or family on my semantic twist (on the contrary, everyone close to me is tickled and happy I'm happy), but that is an aspect I hadn't considered. Maybe I would feel bad if I were actually going out and legally marrying and divorcing all the men I liked.

I absolutely do have primary partners. I don't see why having more than one lessens their importance to me, or mine to them. These aren't sex-based partnerships, they're relationships based on mutual respect, trust, attraction, and intimacy. "Husband" might connote exclusivity in your relationship, but what about open marriages, straying spouses, polygamy, etc.? Are you seriously trying to limit the definition of marriage to what's comfortable for you ( ... )

dahled March 14 2009, 19:46:13 UTC

nope... not trying to limit anything to what's comfortable to me. i'm just giving you the other side of things in a way that most folks won't ( ... )

upendedurn March 14 2009, 20:54:15 UTC

I don't know who these anonymous "most folks" are, but I do know that the people who are close to me haven't expressed any problem with my use of the term. Seriously, if I lived my life constantly worried about the possibility that someone would misunderstand my language, I'd never take risks in my poetry: I have to tweak words in order to make them my own. I've always hoped that people who are upset or offended by my words (or lifestyle) respect me enough to be direct with me. Sometimes people aren't, but there isn't much I can do at that point except move on. I can't waste my time on guesswork about what others may or may not feel.

I'm certainly not comparing myself to the groups I named above (I think you know that), but I am saying that these folks all use the term "marriage" although all of them contradict your definition of what marriage should be in one way or another. We all call all these things "marriage" although they may not suit our personal tastes for various reasons. Isn't that one of the ridiculous aspects of this ( ... )

(The comment has been removed)

Re: Ethical Slut kat0ninetales March 15 2009, 02:48:49 UTC

I swear by it as well. It challenges what one thinks of as "normal" in a relationship. I really think you'd like it, Laura.

Re: Ethical Slut upendedurn March 15 2009, 06:23:59 UTC

I've read a little of it. I'd like to read more. I feel like I'm in a good place with my heart & sex right now, though!

Re: Ethical Slut upendedurn March 15 2009, 06:21:43 UTC

Ekabhumi, I totally respect that definition. I also respect D's. Not that this is necessarily a precondition to respecting either or both your definitions: I grew up in a home with two folks who deeply love each other. They married, legally, late in the game for their time period, and married against racial barriers that were still an omnipresent and controversial issue. They've been together for thirty years now, and as far as I know, they've both always been faithful. I respect the potential of traditional marriage.

I use the term in my own way, as it fits my own situation. Were I to propose to you, Ekabhumi, or to Dahled, we'd clearly need to refine and agree on our definitions. My husbands are good with my half-laughing, half-serious definition, and that's fine by me.

xoxoxoxoxo