I'm sorry I treated you wrong I wanted to believe you
I am sincerely sorry for everything.
I mean that, and I have no intention of saying so again so don't worry, but I wanted to apologize once and for all for what I know I have done and give you what might help, and even what I may not list here as well.
For bugging you when you wanted to be left alone.
For emotionally hurting you & breaking your trust.
For breaking my word to be calm and trust you and not freak out again.
I was self-focused on my own issues I forgot (or didn't know) or listen to what you said was needed. The fact you felt I understood but I got self-focused and didn't give you what you kindly asked for probably hurt a lot. On some things I didn't know what to do and got tons of confusing advice. I've just wanted to be a good person, and I did just the opposite.
I'm sorry I was so sad all the time. I remember one time I talked to you and you were happy to hear from me until I said I was sad and not doing great. I guess I'm finding out both from being around sad people and knowing more people now that it isn't fun to be around someone who you want to care about who is super depressed, especially when you have your own life to work through. I had for years for some weird reason thought that I deserved to die and suffer bc I felt like I wasn't good enough for those closest to me even though I hadn't messed up even as much as I have now and they do care and I just saw their mistakes instead. I guess maybe you felt like I was being needy or something, and/or just being around a depressed person when you want to improve your own life and have your own stuff to handle when they just complain all the time and don't handle their own stuff can be draining and no one wants that for so very long, especially after trying time and again to say (very good and helpful) things (That too sadly I forgot for a while and sometimes needed reminders). But doing that so often for so long can be tiring. I was needy for a while but was getting out of it...I thought I was doing better but I kept making mistakes and was afraid I would be a failure or already was in so many things in life. I was afraid to rely on myself, I was afraid I'd let myself and others down. I have, but I'm still here and haven't totally I guess. I didn't realize not to call on people just when I wanted to talk to someone. I see that I didn't have to hate myself (or other people who I made life hard bc we all make mistakes) then before I even messed up as much as I have now and yes I have regrets so very much but hating oneself doesn't do any good and I have to try to forgive myself. Being sad doesn't help, just trying to find the things to be happy about does, and I'm still learning that but at least I know that now. I am sorry I became a burden instead of just a fun person to know and then say goodbye to but remember as a friend and the good times & fun. It makes me so sad. Ha ironic, right? I'm going to try to remember the good things and that you had said I was a friend b4 I got upset, and that even after I was miraculously forgiven and go on.
For wanting your help not to hate myself for messing up with a friendship when I wanted to do well and failed. That's not up to you. I think that's what most of this was about, my own struggles. I am sorry.
For saying hurtful and not correct things out of frustration that I at first didn't believe until I got frustrated and now know were wrong when I couldn't make things better. That must have really hurt and I wish I could erase it. It hurts me when I remember some of what I haven't blocked out of my mind that I said.
For scaring you even though I never meant to. You're safe. If it helps, it wasn't really about you other than that I'd promised myself to be a decent friend to you and felt terrible that I'd failed. It wasn't anything else.
I really don't have any diagnosed or official problem, I've just tried to figure it out on my own; I'm afraid of a lot of things including making mistakes and making people angry but now recently I'm trying to be okay and letting go of my fears and deal with my own stuff or just let it go. I tried my hardest to make things right after I messed up so I wouldn't hate myself anymore but that made it hard on you. I don't think there's any explanation other than that my focus on this was b/c I didn't want to loose a friendship over doing something wrong, b/c I am always afraid I'll do something too bad and was deeply struggling with self confidence anyway. It was that fear that I'll always mess up so much and make people mad (not your fault) which made me sensitive and over react in the first place to think that you were mad at me. I don't mind loosing friends through normal life like moving and people not wanting to talk to me but being friendly and stuff through that. I've had all that happen before. This is just such a tangled mess and I never wanted it to happen. I'm sorry.
For getting upset at you right away when there wasn't a need. It was so wrong. I didn't see that due to being suspicious of others and lack of trusting people in general..
For not trusting you that you meant what you said and believe you weren't mad at me about calling at the wrong time or something else you didn't say (even though I had things going on where I couldn't trust others). I had trust issues, I though I couldn't trust anyone. If it wasn't for that and not knowing more about you, I never would have been mad at you but believed you and just realized it was a small thing you were saying our friendship had to change, or be distant, which was okay. I wish I could go back to that point. I thought you were mad at me more than you were. I didn't trust that you really were telling the truth b/c of stuff I was struggling with that wasn't your fault. Which led to me misunderstanding and getting angry and wanting to fight back at the world (I had more worse things going on with others) so I...
For changing the Facebook friend settings and then freaking out when I couldn't fix that. It's what's bugged me the most but it's life. I thought it was stupid even before I did, I just thought I was standing up for myself (but there wasn't anything to stand up against, you hadn't done anything worthy of that or hurt me that badly) and proving myself to the world just to prove something to people who had been telling me I had to change who I was and who I knew and everything about me, which also wasn't true. It was stupid and I felt terrible right away. I also felt like a failure since I'd told myself I'd be a loyal good friend to people and always just wanted to talk it out and you get what you needed again and go on. But I messed it up.
For keeping on contacting you after I said I wouldn't. I have heard to give explanations that it helps. It doesn't. I was trained to try and try again but that is stupid. I thought that it was more important to try to make things right, but the first time I did when I said I wouldn't it made me feel sick but I did it anyway, which was dumb... it broke your trust so it wasn't worth it and I am sorry.
At home I always had to make things right. I had to try hard and harder and keep trying for years to prove that I wasn't mean or apologize for my wrongs. My mom was going to leave if I didn't apologize and my dad blamed me and I had to keep being good enough I thought...you remember how I always apologized too much. This was like that on steroids and I didn't realize how that bugged and annoyed and hurt you. Also with a few other friends, if I didn't keep on begging them and telling them I didn't mean it they didn't believe me and they were going to leave me too and hate me and think ill of me, which is worse.
I've done all I can b/c I wanted peace with all people I know and just trying that made it worse. I wanted to be good, and on the other side to prove myself to others and in the world not necessarily you. I wasn't very considerate and when I tried to be I scared you then too b/c I didn't realize that you really did just need to feel okay by being left alone even if I had made a mistake, that I didn't have to prove that I didn't mean it and wanted to make it okay like I had with other people to convince them; to say so once would have been best and then to let you believe that or not as you chose no matter how much it hurt to not be believed and let it go. I am sorry.
For freaking out when you couldn't indicate you'd talk to me again. It wasn't about normal becoming more distant, that was normal and fine, I thought we'd not talk much after you moved, I really thought I wouldn't see you again, and when I went through stuff I contacted you too much about how I felt and it was fine to tell me you didn't want that, but to mess up so bad that a person doesn't want to talk to me in any way who had been a friend made me feel like a failure and that I had to fix something. I'm sorry I did that.
For not keeping this private and respecting you. I had always tried so hard to keep anything you told me private; I respected your privacy and you as a person and friend. I was hurting so bad, I wanted help from people and I just broke & kinda lost it when I couldn't just call you up and make it okay. I am sorry though. I had told myself it wouldn't matter, that you'd understand that I was going through stuff of not trusting people so I over-reacted, and fix it back. Then when that didn't happen I freaked out. I am so sorry. I trusted you more than a lot of people I know and I didn't understand why you told me to 'move on.' We were just friends and I've never lost a friend before. We weren't bad friends and where it was unhealthy it would have been better to fix it rather than break it, for that is what hurt me so much that I had messed up and couldn't do anything right or have a chance to. It was always my biggest fear with home, with my friends. It was the last thing I ever wanted to happen with someone.
For contacting others, like those you know. It was suggested to me to try it. Some of it helped me understand your perspective, but it would have been so much better for me and you and just more respectful not to.
For trying to stand up for myself when there wasn't anything to fight against. I was trying to prove myself to the bigger world and dealing with my own stuff and show I wasn't a pushover and change like people had told me to. It wasn't right. I don't have to change who I used to be in the good ways in which I was okay and kind, and You hadn't done anything wrong to me. I do wish we had a conversation and I see what you were thinking and you see why I messed up and let it be a mistake only and then go on in the way you had originally wanted, but I had already hurt you too much and you were tired of all of this with me. I don't hold it against you seeing how I treated you. I lost your respect by trying too hard to fix my mistake and fighting my own battles and not doing what you kindly told me you needed when there was nothing to fight. I was going thru a lot but that wasn't a reason to suspect you and treat you wrong. Then later, I was deeply hurt b/c I trusted you. I had already 'moved on' from you as anything other than a friend (I had a boyfriend and had dated several guys, I had for years prayed for your friendships and relationships, I thought of you more like a brother or just a friend) and it made no sense to me to cut me off even as a distant acquaintance like all my other friends when you'd just tried to be there for someone, we weren't close, and when all I wanted was to apologize and fix it and give you space. Sometimes I want to cut people off b/c I think they will treat me like others have or I think they are doing something they aren't; I got mad at you when I thought you were mad at me and you hadn't even done anything. It makes me so sad. I think you wanted me to leave you be b/c you had only been there as a friend to try to help and wanted to go on from that, and then it got worse from your point of view it felt that I was a creepy girl obsessed over you going to ruin your life by being in it all the time and not being able to stop contacting you as a guy or for emotional support or something when all I wanted after you called was to do good so badly and was fighting my own issues that I messed up. It hurt so badly b/c the last thing I felt I needed was to totally forever in all ways loose a friend I'd trusted when I mess up. But I'd bugged and hurt you too. I can't blame you. I also didn't believe what some people said that we were bad friends for each other, because when we communicated we always figured out what was best and could change things and say 'no this is founded on the wrong thing, it needs a total change' (and friends have issues; I've had friendships go thru more stuff than ours did before I messed this up so bad and other friendships that needed totally changing or distance). And then later I said mean things for some dumb reason I can't even understand. I know I was told to try that and see if it woke you up and/or helped you in life but you didn't need help or waking up but rather understanding and it wasn't right. The words I do remember saying (I've tried to block them out) hurt me when I think of them. I can't blame you. I don't hold anything against you.
For saying all the things I did about you to you. That had to hurt terribly. I don't know why I did that. The only thing you ever did was try to be there for me when I was struggling as a friend and let me know when and how you couldn't be. It is true that it is always nicer to be accepted rather than fixed, but you didn't really try to change me that much and tried to get me to not be afraid to be me. You didn't draw me close and then push me away; we weren't close like that; you were always an honest person and just wanted to help a friend. I was just always afraid of everyone and lots of things, truly. And I still struggle with that fear but I am getting better. When I couldn't fix my mistake out of clicking facebook bc of with what I thought you were doing but weren't and trying to prove myself to people then I got mad at you when all you ever wanted to do was to help me and then go on with your normal life and not be pestered. Actually I think I was just trying to prove myself and take the advice of people that said I had to change my life and push people away that made it hard, and change myself, but you weren't doing that and I didn't see that. That hurts me terribly that I'd do that to you. I wish I could make it better but that sounds weird to you too. I know it sounds weird and creepy maybe that I care anymore, but to me all my friends matter and I just wish I'd never failed as a friend. I'd struggle with this with anyone, especially anyone I'd trusted with my story and tried so hard to be kind to and care for as a friend. I didn't think I'd see you again (although I got confused when you saw others); Of course people come and go and that is fine and normal, but I've never had anyone refuse to ever again know me or act like I exist in any way b/c I messed up..that's what hurt the worst...but it's okay. Even though I don't totally understand it, you were trying to protect yourself. Its okay. To me a friend is anyone who I've known and care about; they don't have to do anything for me or even be in my life but knowing they were once a friend I call them that. You don't have to help me feel better anymore, I am just being honest.
All I remember is you as a friend, and how much I must have hurt you. I'd do anything to undo it all and have never reacted that way out of being mad at life (not you) not just for me but to save you that time in life, and go on as normal friends do like I always figured we would, not talking a lot but still knowing we are on the same side in life. Even if you can't think that well of me b/c of how I treated you when all you did was simply ask for space from a friend, know from me that I'm not needing anything from you aka needy anymore or creepy nor am I an enemy nor would I ever be your enemy.
I just didn't really understand how much someone could need to be left alone to be okay. I had always had to do the opposite with people. That if you didn't talk to them or convince them that you cared that they'd hate you kind of (instead of the opposite) or that you were doing in the sight of God something wrong to not be faithful to a friend. I did know people need space sometimes, but it had always been give someone space and then try again when they aren't angry anymore to make things right... I didn't know that when some people are done, they are just done and they feel respected even if you have messed up if you just leave them alone. I didn't know that. I thought to be forgiven in God's sight instead of guilty I had to apologize until my apology was good enough. I have often apologized to people and they don't believe me, so I had to do it over and over. But I do admit this didn't feel right, but the only thing I knew to do was keep apologizing, so it was a stupid cycle where I was fighting my own messes but thought it was other people who could get me out of it and no wonder you are tired of it. This could have happened with anyone if they got to where they didn't want to handle it anymore or talk it out or reassure me, it just happened to be with you. But it isn't b/c I'm crazy, it's b/c I doubt people, especially those I've told anything to and used to need lots of reassurance (I don't really anymore from most people). I know this is really open and probably more than you want to know but maybe it will help somehow.
(And I didn't know much about what you needed and how to help or do what was good for you in lots of ways b/c I'd actually tried up to that point and even now, ironically, not to learn or find out what to do, in order to respect your wishes of being respected and left alone. I knew a little but not much, and if I'd known even what I do know now I'd never even been mad at you in the first place at all. I'd never misunderstood you b/c I'd believed you and trusted you. I'd never over reacted like I did or at least not shown it, and I wouldn't have had to b/c I'd understood why you felt that way and that it was just fine and not been mad at all, ever. And taken care of myself w/o calling on you so much unless you wanted to help when you did. If only I'd known sooner.) Sadly I also got self-centered on how bad I felt and wanting to fix it in some small way to just feel better. That's kinda sick I guess to want others to reconcile to help a person feel better but I didn't realize it for a very long time. I thought it was the right thing to apologize until things were better and that that would fix things and help everyone feel better, but it didn't. It just looked and felt weird for everyone.
The thing that hurts me the worst is the mean things I said to you. I think words mean a lot to you. You always knew how to use them and encouraged me with them or set boundaries kindly with them. But you wanted me to be strong on my own, for myself. You were so kind. And what did I do but say mean and hurtful things to you and tell you to change, when nothing else would work. I was told this would help you but that was wrong. You never pulled me close and pushed away. I am so sorry. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for this. I thought I had to be mean like Starbuck on Galactica, but that wasn't me and wasn't who I wanted to be. I just wish you could see that I was feeling I had to change and understand and feel better and not hurt and trust me again and forgive me. But you always gave me so many chances like when I had freaked out before and I'm not even that important to you and I hurt you so badly there is no undoing it and we were just friends that is all. It is fine to loose friends, I just wish it was on better standing between us. And you never used your stuff as an excuse, you didn't even talk about it, you just tried to learn and be kind and keep going. You only told me through a friend to help me, and I didn't look up more about it to try to respect you. If I had known even what I do now I never would have been mad at you or anything. And you trusted me to be kind and not use it against you and here I did this. :*( And I didn't give you space when really you did need that from me and I didn't understand and I am so very sorry. You didn't mess up ...until you wouldn't talk to me, but that's ok, I forgive you. Don't ever give up on yourself and I am so sorry. . I wish I never had said these things or done these things. You were one of my best friends, but distance and saying goodbye was fine, I just wish we had parted on good terms and in trust like were were going to. I messed up, and it was bc of trust issues mainly with others. I had had so many people say things and then break their word; the only guy I had kissed had said I wasn't a drive by and then three days later he wanted nothing to do with me. People who said I was family and I had trusted had kicked me out and ended that friendship b/c I was sad and that hurt them somehow. I was ending a relationship that now has become very important for I had no where else to turn, but I was changing it to be more distant since it wasn't the best for me I thought and trying to be strong, and he was always sad and I always had to beg him not to go away or get mad at me if I said the wrong thing, and I told you I was going thru stuff and breaking up w my bf but not bc I wanted you instead but bc you were a friend. I called you bc I was sad and just wanted to talk about what you were up to just to get my mind off of things and cheer up. I am sorry. Its ok you said my stuff had nothing to do with you. That really hurt, but its okay. I just thought you had given up on me doing good for myself. I asked about your relationships to know if I should give you space and bc I always hoped the best for you and prayed for you. I just was really I feel like this year has been a mess and I always thought fixing stuff with you would help me to reset and go on, but that put too much on you and made our friendship something it wasn't and no friendship ever is. I am so sorry though that I ever treated you that way. I know that no apology can make up for it or gain back my good name but I really don't think those things about you. I remember you as a good friend who tried to help me and take care of himself too. No one wants to be a support for a sad person all the time, it drains them, and especially a guy or someone who has their own life to go on with and deal with. I wish we could have figured this out and that I'd never said those things or believed the wrong way. I am so sorry for the things I said about you, they didn't come just from my head but from stuff others had said and stuff I had read and from talking with people too much and coming to wrong conclusions. I am so sorry.
I wish we could have worked this out early on, just talked about it, and gone on yes without having to talk. But because I couldn't make it right or talk to you I started to believe bad things about you and other people's opinions about you pulling me close and pushing me away - which you never really had done, you just tried to be there as a great friend and were always honest about us not being close and even with that it was fine. I have no idea why I reacted this way. Even if we never can fix this, I just really wish I hadn't ever hurt you or said those things about you or told you to change; you were fine. And I only said I love you b/c I had said a lot of tough things that I was told needed to be said to you and I didn't want to hurt you as a friend and brother and meant it as a friend and sister only but instead it looked creepy, like I was obsessing over you when it wasn't that at first anyway until you wouldn't talk to me for so long, then I couldn't figure out where to put you in life and forgot who you really were and what you needed as my friend and a person..but it wasn't that, it was obsessing over trying to fix something b/c I always thought I had to do that. Not to fail. Not to hate myself. And I did.
Well b/c I tried too hard (I honestly wish I never had reacted this way or over reacted at all or even tried to hard with anyone) you think I'm weird and creepy. It breaks my heart not b/c of you but b/c I never wanted to hurt anyone ever especially not like this, or you and was told I couldn't hurt you and that I had to fight for myself, and it all came out directed towards you when it never was your fault. Lots of friendships go through stuff and refining and it was all okay. Maybe you didn't really need my friendship, you were just trying to be kind to me and help me out, I don't know. And some friendships are there, serve a purpose for a time, and then they go on, but it's always healthier to go on in a happy way and possible too I think. I've had more drama (not b/c I'm weird but just life) with people I couldn't do anything about or other friends in life, and you weren't dramatic, just honest and caring, and I was trying to sort through stuff in my own life that I'd never even realized was there and that was hurting so badly so I didn't handle things very well sometimes, though I prayed for your friendships, relationships to work out for you, and your life and for good things for you. Not in a creepy way. I didn't want to cling to you or anything, that's weird. I'd just never had a friend tell me they didn't want to know me at all ever again in anyway shape or form anymore. It really got to me. But it's okay. Its confusing but I can't hold it against you. I guess you were just trying to do the best thing.
When you didn't seem to care or respond or for some reason I've been told thought it was better we not know each other when we could have just said what was needed and followed it...I dearly wanted to just so I could be a good person and not a failure and be a good friend and show I could b/c I could...when all I wanted to do was talk once like normal people and friends after a misunderstanding and get it over with and resolved and go on with life and be happy...when I tried my hardest and it wasn't good enough ever to even be an acquaintance and just be accepted as me and show I wasn't a mean or hurtful person...I got mad and did the opposite, which hurt me too, a great deal. You just were hurt and didn't want to be hurt again, or bothered. Or you thought you were helping me to go on with life (which really wasn't true or needed for me, to do that in a helpful way would be to say to someone let's not talk for a while and go on with your life but we are friends and you're doing good for yourself keep up the good work...we will talk again someday (maybe 10 to 50 years down the road when we both have our own life as distant past friends only, and not about emotional stuff or close stuff, but it's not necessary to cut me off, that is what made me mad and hurt (and then made it look like I had to be b/c I freaked out) I just wanted to be me and nice and not bother you and live my life but have peace with you b/c you'd been there for me and even wo that you were a friend and I wanted to treat you right as a friend.. I never wanted anything this way to happen w anyone.. even the guy who kissed me first and is attractive and nice is still my facebook friend and has closer people now and I leave him alone)... I was already going on and had close friends including guys, I was just trying to fix my mistake and let you still be ok knowing me)...I just suspected you of stuff b/c of what people said about you and my suspicions of other people and distrust in life in general...not your fault...but I understand you didn't know what to do and just wanted to be left alone to live your life and be happy again and not have someone you didn't want to be dependent or close appear to you to be too much dependent on you (even though that isn't what I was asking for) or just not be able to leave you alone and lost your trust and started to dislike or started think I'm not an ok person to be your friend for all I did especially since I didnt act like one for some stupid reason... I know I can't make up for it I guess I know that now and it's not for me anymore and maybe this won't mean anything to you, but I wish I could fix the hurt. All I remember is you trying to be fair and kind to me all the time and then when I messed up messaging to go away in a way I didn't understand since I wasn't wanting anything but to not loose a friend over something i didn't even really mean and to just go on....not wanting anything but to apologize and make it right.. which hurt... and then me getting confused and upset and trying to make it right and then believing things that were false whether from my own head or others' when I couldn't...it was all wrong..I hate rehashing it, but I do...I have to apologize so I can let it go. I am so very sorry.
For making a big thing out of a small request and my mistakes (due to my misunderstandings and issues)
For trying to explain / provide reasons too much. Yes I just did that but I've tried to figure it out and explain it too much. There is a french saying 'With understanding is forgiveness'; that is why, but it sounds like excuses and doesn't help. It gets annoying very quickly! I get that. I am just apologizing, no excuses, I messed up.
I try to trust and believe in God to help, but then I went and did my own thing b/c I didn't believe God loved me and thought he was hurting me again and that he helps those who help themselves... I was very confused and I just wish there could be a miracle healed understanding between both of us of peace and no grudges and even kindness and full comprehension and not holding it there and believing the best of each other. And duh no that doesn't mean we have to talk or be in each other's lives. You were a friend; please try to remember the good things, and how I did say bye in a kind and good way and didn't expect to see you again. ( I was confused when you came back to see others and said you weren't coming to see us any time soon, but it would have been ok to say you just didn't want to see me, but obviously it doesn't look that way since I got upset) but I wasn't so upset at you wanting space as the reason I thought it was, that I thought I had done something small and you weren't letting me fix it... you actually were giving me a chance and I blew it b/c I over reacted and thought it was something else
I mean that, and I have no intention of saying so again so don't worry, but I wanted to apologize once and for all for what I know I have done and give you what might help, and even what I may not list here as well.
For bugging you when you wanted to be left alone.
For emotionally hurting you & breaking your trust.
For breaking my word to be calm and trust you and not freak out again.
I was self-focused on my own issues I forgot (or didn't know) or listen to what you said was needed. The fact you felt I understood but I got self-focused and didn't give you what you kindly asked for probably hurt a lot. On some things I didn't know what to do and got tons of confusing advice. I've just wanted to be a good person, and I did just the opposite.
I'm sorry I was so sad all the time. I remember one time I talked to you and you were happy to hear from me until I said I was sad and not doing great. I guess I'm finding out both from being around sad people and knowing more people now that it isn't fun to be around someone who you want to care about who is super depressed, especially when you have your own life to work through. I had for years for some weird reason thought that I deserved to die and suffer bc I felt like I wasn't good enough for those closest to me even though I hadn't messed up even as much as I have now and they do care and I just saw their mistakes instead. I guess maybe you felt like I was being needy or something, and/or just being around a depressed person when you want to improve your own life and have your own stuff to handle when they just complain all the time and don't handle their own stuff can be draining and no one wants that for so very long, especially after trying time and again to say (very good and helpful) things (That too sadly I forgot for a while and sometimes needed reminders). But doing that so often for so long can be tiring. I was needy for a while but was getting out of it...I thought I was doing better but I kept making mistakes and was afraid I would be a failure or already was in so many things in life. I was afraid to rely on myself, I was afraid I'd let myself and others down. I have, but I'm still here and haven't totally I guess. I didn't realize not to call on people just when I wanted to talk to someone. I see that I didn't have to hate myself (or other people who I made life hard bc we all make mistakes) then before I even messed up as much as I have now and yes I have regrets so very much but hating oneself doesn't do any good and I have to try to forgive myself. Being sad doesn't help, just trying to find the things to be happy about does, and I'm still learning that but at least I know that now. I am sorry I became a burden instead of just a fun person to know and then say goodbye to but remember as a friend and the good times & fun. It makes me so sad. Ha ironic, right? I'm going to try to remember the good things and that you had said I was a friend b4 I got upset, and that even after I was miraculously forgiven and go on.
For wanting your help not to hate myself for messing up with a friendship when I wanted to do well and failed. That's not up to you. I think that's what most of this was about, my own struggles. I am sorry.
For saying hurtful and not correct things out of frustration that I at first didn't believe until I got frustrated and now know were wrong when I couldn't make things better. That must have really hurt and I wish I could erase it. It hurts me when I remember some of what I haven't blocked out of my mind that I said.
For scaring you even though I never meant to. You're safe. If it helps, it wasn't really about you other than that I'd promised myself to be a decent friend to you and felt terrible that I'd failed. It wasn't anything else.
I really don't have any diagnosed or official problem, I've just tried to figure it out on my own; I'm afraid of a lot of things including making mistakes and making people angry but now recently I'm trying to be okay and letting go of my fears and deal with my own stuff or just let it go. I tried my hardest to make things right after I messed up so I wouldn't hate myself anymore but that made it hard on you. I don't think there's any explanation other than that my focus on this was b/c I didn't want to loose a friendship over doing something wrong, b/c I am always afraid I'll do something too bad and was deeply struggling with self confidence anyway. It was that fear that I'll always mess up so much and make people mad (not your fault) which made me sensitive and over react in the first place to think that you were mad at me. I don't mind loosing friends through normal life like moving and people not wanting to talk to me but being friendly and stuff through that. I've had all that happen before. This is just such a tangled mess and I never wanted it to happen. I'm sorry.
For getting upset at you right away when there wasn't a need. It was so wrong. I didn't see that due to being suspicious of others and lack of trusting people in general..
For not trusting you that you meant what you said and believe you weren't mad at me about calling at the wrong time or something else you didn't say (even though I had things going on where I couldn't trust others). I had trust issues, I though I couldn't trust anyone. If it wasn't for that and not knowing more about you, I never would have been mad at you but believed you and just realized it was a small thing you were saying our friendship had to change, or be distant, which was okay. I wish I could go back to that point. I thought you were mad at me more than you were. I didn't trust that you really were telling the truth b/c of stuff I was struggling with that wasn't your fault. Which led to me misunderstanding and getting angry and wanting to fight back at the world (I had more worse things going on with others) so I...
For changing the Facebook friend settings and then freaking out when I couldn't fix that. It's what's bugged me the most but it's life. I thought it was stupid even before I did, I just thought I was standing up for myself (but there wasn't anything to stand up against, you hadn't done anything worthy of that or hurt me that badly) and proving myself to the world just to prove something to people who had been telling me I had to change who I was and who I knew and everything about me, which also wasn't true. It was stupid and I felt terrible right away. I also felt like a failure since I'd told myself I'd be a loyal good friend to people and always just wanted to talk it out and you get what you needed again and go on. But I messed it up.
For keeping on contacting you after I said I wouldn't. I have heard to give explanations that it helps. It doesn't. I was trained to try and try again but that is stupid. I thought that it was more important to try to make things right, but the first time I did when I said I wouldn't it made me feel sick but I did it anyway, which was dumb... it broke your trust so it wasn't worth it and I am sorry.
At home I always had to make things right. I had to try hard and harder and keep trying for years to prove that I wasn't mean or apologize for my wrongs. My mom was going to leave if I didn't apologize and my dad blamed me and I had to keep being good enough I thought...you remember how I always apologized too much. This was like that on steroids and I didn't realize how that bugged and annoyed and hurt you. Also with a few other friends, if I didn't keep on begging them and telling them I didn't mean it they didn't believe me and they were going to leave me too and hate me and think ill of me, which is worse.
I've done all I can b/c I wanted peace with all people I know and just trying that made it worse. I wanted to be good, and on the other side to prove myself to others and in the world not necessarily you. I wasn't very considerate and when I tried to be I scared you then too b/c I didn't realize that you really did just need to feel okay by being left alone even if I had made a mistake, that I didn't have to prove that I didn't mean it and wanted to make it okay like I had with other people to convince them; to say so once would have been best and then to let you believe that or not as you chose no matter how much it hurt to not be believed and let it go. I am sorry.
For freaking out when you couldn't indicate you'd talk to me again. It wasn't about normal becoming more distant, that was normal and fine, I thought we'd not talk much after you moved, I really thought I wouldn't see you again, and when I went through stuff I contacted you too much about how I felt and it was fine to tell me you didn't want that, but to mess up so bad that a person doesn't want to talk to me in any way who had been a friend made me feel like a failure and that I had to fix something. I'm sorry I did that.
For not keeping this private and respecting you. I had always tried so hard to keep anything you told me private; I respected your privacy and you as a person and friend. I was hurting so bad, I wanted help from people and I just broke & kinda lost it when I couldn't just call you up and make it okay. I am sorry though. I had told myself it wouldn't matter, that you'd understand that I was going through stuff of not trusting people so I over-reacted, and fix it back. Then when that didn't happen I freaked out. I am so sorry. I trusted you more than a lot of people I know and I didn't understand why you told me to 'move on.' We were just friends and I've never lost a friend before. We weren't bad friends and where it was unhealthy it would have been better to fix it rather than break it, for that is what hurt me so much that I had messed up and couldn't do anything right or have a chance to. It was always my biggest fear with home, with my friends. It was the last thing I ever wanted to happen with someone.
For contacting others, like those you know. It was suggested to me to try it. Some of it helped me understand your perspective, but it would have been so much better for me and you and just more respectful not to.
For trying to stand up for myself when there wasn't anything to fight against. I was trying to prove myself to the bigger world and dealing with my own stuff and show I wasn't a pushover and change like people had told me to. It wasn't right. I don't have to change who I used to be in the good ways in which I was okay and kind, and You hadn't done anything wrong to me. I do wish we had a conversation and I see what you were thinking and you see why I messed up and let it be a mistake only and then go on in the way you had originally wanted, but I had already hurt you too much and you were tired of all of this with me. I don't hold it against you seeing how I treated you. I lost your respect by trying too hard to fix my mistake and fighting my own battles and not doing what you kindly told me you needed when there was nothing to fight. I was going thru a lot but that wasn't a reason to suspect you and treat you wrong. Then later, I was deeply hurt b/c I trusted you. I had already 'moved on' from you as anything other than a friend (I had a boyfriend and had dated several guys, I had for years prayed for your friendships and relationships, I thought of you more like a brother or just a friend) and it made no sense to me to cut me off even as a distant acquaintance like all my other friends when you'd just tried to be there for someone, we weren't close, and when all I wanted was to apologize and fix it and give you space. Sometimes I want to cut people off b/c I think they will treat me like others have or I think they are doing something they aren't; I got mad at you when I thought you were mad at me and you hadn't even done anything. It makes me so sad. I think you wanted me to leave you be b/c you had only been there as a friend to try to help and wanted to go on from that, and then it got worse from your point of view it felt that I was a creepy girl obsessed over you going to ruin your life by being in it all the time and not being able to stop contacting you as a guy or for emotional support or something when all I wanted after you called was to do good so badly and was fighting my own issues that I messed up. It hurt so badly b/c the last thing I felt I needed was to totally forever in all ways loose a friend I'd trusted when I mess up. But I'd bugged and hurt you too. I can't blame you. I also didn't believe what some people said that we were bad friends for each other, because when we communicated we always figured out what was best and could change things and say 'no this is founded on the wrong thing, it needs a total change' (and friends have issues; I've had friendships go thru more stuff than ours did before I messed this up so bad and other friendships that needed totally changing or distance). And then later I said mean things for some dumb reason I can't even understand. I know I was told to try that and see if it woke you up and/or helped you in life but you didn't need help or waking up but rather understanding and it wasn't right. The words I do remember saying (I've tried to block them out) hurt me when I think of them. I can't blame you. I don't hold anything against you.
For saying all the things I did about you to you. That had to hurt terribly. I don't know why I did that. The only thing you ever did was try to be there for me when I was struggling as a friend and let me know when and how you couldn't be. It is true that it is always nicer to be accepted rather than fixed, but you didn't really try to change me that much and tried to get me to not be afraid to be me. You didn't draw me close and then push me away; we weren't close like that; you were always an honest person and just wanted to help a friend. I was just always afraid of everyone and lots of things, truly. And I still struggle with that fear but I am getting better. When I couldn't fix my mistake out of clicking facebook bc of with what I thought you were doing but weren't and trying to prove myself to people then I got mad at you when all you ever wanted to do was to help me and then go on with your normal life and not be pestered. Actually I think I was just trying to prove myself and take the advice of people that said I had to change my life and push people away that made it hard, and change myself, but you weren't doing that and I didn't see that. That hurts me terribly that I'd do that to you. I wish I could make it better but that sounds weird to you too. I know it sounds weird and creepy maybe that I care anymore, but to me all my friends matter and I just wish I'd never failed as a friend. I'd struggle with this with anyone, especially anyone I'd trusted with my story and tried so hard to be kind to and care for as a friend. I didn't think I'd see you again (although I got confused when you saw others); Of course people come and go and that is fine and normal, but I've never had anyone refuse to ever again know me or act like I exist in any way b/c I messed up..that's what hurt the worst...but it's okay. Even though I don't totally understand it, you were trying to protect yourself. Its okay. To me a friend is anyone who I've known and care about; they don't have to do anything for me or even be in my life but knowing they were once a friend I call them that. You don't have to help me feel better anymore, I am just being honest.
All I remember is you as a friend, and how much I must have hurt you. I'd do anything to undo it all and have never reacted that way out of being mad at life (not you) not just for me but to save you that time in life, and go on as normal friends do like I always figured we would, not talking a lot but still knowing we are on the same side in life. Even if you can't think that well of me b/c of how I treated you when all you did was simply ask for space from a friend, know from me that I'm not needing anything from you aka needy anymore or creepy nor am I an enemy nor would I ever be your enemy.
I just didn't really understand how much someone could need to be left alone to be okay. I had always had to do the opposite with people. That if you didn't talk to them or convince them that you cared that they'd hate you kind of (instead of the opposite) or that you were doing in the sight of God something wrong to not be faithful to a friend. I did know people need space sometimes, but it had always been give someone space and then try again when they aren't angry anymore to make things right... I didn't know that when some people are done, they are just done and they feel respected even if you have messed up if you just leave them alone. I didn't know that. I thought to be forgiven in God's sight instead of guilty I had to apologize until my apology was good enough. I have often apologized to people and they don't believe me, so I had to do it over and over. But I do admit this didn't feel right, but the only thing I knew to do was keep apologizing, so it was a stupid cycle where I was fighting my own messes but thought it was other people who could get me out of it and no wonder you are tired of it. This could have happened with anyone if they got to where they didn't want to handle it anymore or talk it out or reassure me, it just happened to be with you. But it isn't b/c I'm crazy, it's b/c I doubt people, especially those I've told anything to and used to need lots of reassurance (I don't really anymore from most people). I know this is really open and probably more than you want to know but maybe it will help somehow.
(And I didn't know much about what you needed and how to help or do what was good for you in lots of ways b/c I'd actually tried up to that point and even now, ironically, not to learn or find out what to do, in order to respect your wishes of being respected and left alone. I knew a little but not much, and if I'd known even what I do know now I'd never even been mad at you in the first place at all. I'd never misunderstood you b/c I'd believed you and trusted you. I'd never over reacted like I did or at least not shown it, and I wouldn't have had to b/c I'd understood why you felt that way and that it was just fine and not been mad at all, ever. And taken care of myself w/o calling on you so much unless you wanted to help when you did. If only I'd known sooner.) Sadly I also got self-centered on how bad I felt and wanting to fix it in some small way to just feel better. That's kinda sick I guess to want others to reconcile to help a person feel better but I didn't realize it for a very long time. I thought it was the right thing to apologize until things were better and that that would fix things and help everyone feel better, but it didn't. It just looked and felt weird for everyone.
The thing that hurts me the worst is the mean things I said to you. I think words mean a lot to you. You always knew how to use them and encouraged me with them or set boundaries kindly with them. But you wanted me to be strong on my own, for myself. You were so kind. And what did I do but say mean and hurtful things to you and tell you to change, when nothing else would work. I was told this would help you but that was wrong. You never pulled me close and pushed away. I am so sorry. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for this. I thought I had to be mean like Starbuck on Galactica, but that wasn't me and wasn't who I wanted to be. I just wish you could see that I was feeling I had to change and understand and feel better and not hurt and trust me again and forgive me. But you always gave me so many chances like when I had freaked out before and I'm not even that important to you and I hurt you so badly there is no undoing it and we were just friends that is all. It is fine to loose friends, I just wish it was on better standing between us. And you never used your stuff as an excuse, you didn't even talk about it, you just tried to learn and be kind and keep going. You only told me through a friend to help me, and I didn't look up more about it to try to respect you. If I had known even what I do now I never would have been mad at you or anything. And you trusted me to be kind and not use it against you and here I did this. :*( And I didn't give you space when really you did need that from me and I didn't understand and I am so very sorry. You didn't mess up ...until you wouldn't talk to me, but that's ok, I forgive you. Don't ever give up on yourself and I am so sorry. . I wish I never had said these things or done these things. You were one of my best friends, but distance and saying goodbye was fine, I just wish we had parted on good terms and in trust like were were going to. I messed up, and it was bc of trust issues mainly with others. I had had so many people say things and then break their word; the only guy I had kissed had said I wasn't a drive by and then three days later he wanted nothing to do with me. People who said I was family and I had trusted had kicked me out and ended that friendship b/c I was sad and that hurt them somehow. I was ending a relationship that now has become very important for I had no where else to turn, but I was changing it to be more distant since it wasn't the best for me I thought and trying to be strong, and he was always sad and I always had to beg him not to go away or get mad at me if I said the wrong thing, and I told you I was going thru stuff and breaking up w my bf but not bc I wanted you instead but bc you were a friend. I called you bc I was sad and just wanted to talk about what you were up to just to get my mind off of things and cheer up. I am sorry. Its ok you said my stuff had nothing to do with you. That really hurt, but its okay. I just thought you had given up on me doing good for myself. I asked about your relationships to know if I should give you space and bc I always hoped the best for you and prayed for you. I just was really I feel like this year has been a mess and I always thought fixing stuff with you would help me to reset and go on, but that put too much on you and made our friendship something it wasn't and no friendship ever is. I am so sorry though that I ever treated you that way. I know that no apology can make up for it or gain back my good name but I really don't think those things about you. I remember you as a good friend who tried to help me and take care of himself too. No one wants to be a support for a sad person all the time, it drains them, and especially a guy or someone who has their own life to go on with and deal with. I wish we could have figured this out and that I'd never said those things or believed the wrong way. I am so sorry for the things I said about you, they didn't come just from my head but from stuff others had said and stuff I had read and from talking with people too much and coming to wrong conclusions. I am so sorry.
I wish we could have worked this out early on, just talked about it, and gone on yes without having to talk. But because I couldn't make it right or talk to you I started to believe bad things about you and other people's opinions about you pulling me close and pushing me away - which you never really had done, you just tried to be there as a great friend and were always honest about us not being close and even with that it was fine. I have no idea why I reacted this way. Even if we never can fix this, I just really wish I hadn't ever hurt you or said those things about you or told you to change; you were fine. And I only said I love you b/c I had said a lot of tough things that I was told needed to be said to you and I didn't want to hurt you as a friend and brother and meant it as a friend and sister only but instead it looked creepy, like I was obsessing over you when it wasn't that at first anyway until you wouldn't talk to me for so long, then I couldn't figure out where to put you in life and forgot who you really were and what you needed as my friend and a person..but it wasn't that, it was obsessing over trying to fix something b/c I always thought I had to do that. Not to fail. Not to hate myself. And I did.
Well b/c I tried too hard (I honestly wish I never had reacted this way or over reacted at all or even tried to hard with anyone) you think I'm weird and creepy. It breaks my heart not b/c of you but b/c I never wanted to hurt anyone ever especially not like this, or you and was told I couldn't hurt you and that I had to fight for myself, and it all came out directed towards you when it never was your fault. Lots of friendships go through stuff and refining and it was all okay. Maybe you didn't really need my friendship, you were just trying to be kind to me and help me out, I don't know. And some friendships are there, serve a purpose for a time, and then they go on, but it's always healthier to go on in a happy way and possible too I think. I've had more drama (not b/c I'm weird but just life) with people I couldn't do anything about or other friends in life, and you weren't dramatic, just honest and caring, and I was trying to sort through stuff in my own life that I'd never even realized was there and that was hurting so badly so I didn't handle things very well sometimes, though I prayed for your friendships, relationships to work out for you, and your life and for good things for you. Not in a creepy way. I didn't want to cling to you or anything, that's weird. I'd just never had a friend tell me they didn't want to know me at all ever again in anyway shape or form anymore. It really got to me. But it's okay. Its confusing but I can't hold it against you. I guess you were just trying to do the best thing.
When you didn't seem to care or respond or for some reason I've been told thought it was better we not know each other when we could have just said what was needed and followed it...I dearly wanted to just so I could be a good person and not a failure and be a good friend and show I could b/c I could...when all I wanted to do was talk once like normal people and friends after a misunderstanding and get it over with and resolved and go on with life and be happy...when I tried my hardest and it wasn't good enough ever to even be an acquaintance and just be accepted as me and show I wasn't a mean or hurtful person...I got mad and did the opposite, which hurt me too, a great deal. You just were hurt and didn't want to be hurt again, or bothered. Or you thought you were helping me to go on with life (which really wasn't true or needed for me, to do that in a helpful way would be to say to someone let's not talk for a while and go on with your life but we are friends and you're doing good for yourself keep up the good work...we will talk again someday (maybe 10 to 50 years down the road when we both have our own life as distant past friends only, and not about emotional stuff or close stuff, but it's not necessary to cut me off, that is what made me mad and hurt (and then made it look like I had to be b/c I freaked out) I just wanted to be me and nice and not bother you and live my life but have peace with you b/c you'd been there for me and even wo that you were a friend and I wanted to treat you right as a friend.. I never wanted anything this way to happen w anyone.. even the guy who kissed me first and is attractive and nice is still my facebook friend and has closer people now and I leave him alone)... I was already going on and had close friends including guys, I was just trying to fix my mistake and let you still be ok knowing me)...I just suspected you of stuff b/c of what people said about you and my suspicions of other people and distrust in life in general...not your fault...but I understand you didn't know what to do and just wanted to be left alone to live your life and be happy again and not have someone you didn't want to be dependent or close appear to you to be too much dependent on you (even though that isn't what I was asking for) or just not be able to leave you alone and lost your trust and started to dislike or started think I'm not an ok person to be your friend for all I did especially since I didnt act like one for some stupid reason... I know I can't make up for it I guess I know that now and it's not for me anymore and maybe this won't mean anything to you, but I wish I could fix the hurt. All I remember is you trying to be fair and kind to me all the time and then when I messed up messaging to go away in a way I didn't understand since I wasn't wanting anything but to not loose a friend over something i didn't even really mean and to just go on....not wanting anything but to apologize and make it right.. which hurt... and then me getting confused and upset and trying to make it right and then believing things that were false whether from my own head or others' when I couldn't...it was all wrong..I hate rehashing it, but I do...I have to apologize so I can let it go. I am so very sorry.
For making a big thing out of a small request and my mistakes (due to my misunderstandings and issues)
For trying to explain / provide reasons too much. Yes I just did that but I've tried to figure it out and explain it too much. There is a french saying 'With understanding is forgiveness'; that is why, but it sounds like excuses and doesn't help. It gets annoying very quickly! I get that. I am just apologizing, no excuses, I messed up.
I try to trust and believe in God to help, but then I went and did my own thing b/c I didn't believe God loved me and thought he was hurting me again and that he helps those who help themselves... I was very confused and I just wish there could be a miracle healed understanding between both of us of peace and no grudges and even kindness and full comprehension and not holding it there and believing the best of each other. And duh no that doesn't mean we have to talk or be in each other's lives. You were a friend; please try to remember the good things, and how I did say bye in a kind and good way and didn't expect to see you again. ( I was confused when you came back to see others and said you weren't coming to see us any time soon, but it would have been ok to say you just didn't want to see me, but obviously it doesn't look that way since I got upset) but I wasn't so upset at you wanting space as the reason I thought it was, that I thought I had done something small and you weren't letting me fix it... you actually were giving me a chance and I blew it b/c I over reacted and thought it was something else